That '70s Show S5E15 Script

When the Levee Breaks (2003)

And then I realized, that's why they call it a clock radio.

'Cause it's got both.

Hey, Donna. Feast your eyes.

All new stuff for me and Joanne's weekend away at tennis camp.

Billie Jean King's sister is leading the campfire songs.

We're gonna make quite the racket.

Good one, Bob.

Bob's going out of town for the weekend?

All right! Party at Donna's!

Okay. We're gonna need beer, balloons, and girls with low self-esteem.

Guys, hang on. Donna and I already made plans this weekend.

Well, then just leave us a key, man. And don't worry, if anything bad happens, I know how to make it look like a robbery-homicide.

Look, Eric and I want one weekend alone where we don't have to be so secretive about being engaged.

I could even wear my ring if it weren't being resized for me.

Can they make a ring big enough to fit your Paul Bunyan hands?

Jackie? Well, I'm sorry, Donna.

But if you're not gonna have a party, you're gonna get insulted.

It's just the way it is.

The way I see it, unless Donna's blocking the door with her giant hands, we're coming over for a party.

Oh-oh. We should get one of those girls that jump out of cakes.

Yeah. They're great.

You know, you two could do a little less standing around and a little more jumping out of cakes.


Hey, Dad, I was thinking of spending tonight and tomorrow over at Fez's.

At whose's?

The foreign boy with the tight pants, wears a little too much cologne.

I don't like him.

I caught him stealing bacon out of our fridge.

Why are you doing your homework in the morning?

I was out last night with Donna.

Well, of course you were. That's why you came in a half-hour past the curfew.

Oh, well, Donna had a flat.

Aw! That's awful bad luck.

Seeing how Donna doesn't have a car.

I see you getting bigger, but you still act like a 12-year-old.

Now, when are you gonna grow up and start thinking about your future?

Red, don't get upset so early.

You won't enjoy your sausage and Tang.

Sausage and Tang? Is...

Is that a little racy for breakfast?

I don't get it.

Well, I'm gonna leave before someone explains it.

Good morning.

Steven, you got a big tear in that jacket.

Yeah. It's hard hopping over a fence carrying two 12-packs.

I mean, library books.

Well, I'm gonna ignore that, 'cause you don't even have parents to buy you a new coat.

He doesn't have parents, Eric.

He told me that sometimes when he's all alone, he cries.

Oh, that settles it. I'm taking you shopping for a new coat.

Here, here. Take some Tang and go.

Man, if I had a dollar for every time I heard a chick say that...


What? Never turn down Tang. Growing boys need Tang.

What is funny here?

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Oh, the plumber took apart the toilet upstairs, so you'll have to use this one.

I know it's scary down here at night, but... She'll be fine. Let's go.

Just when you come around that corner in the dark, that coat rack can look like a bear.


we're alone.

For the whole weekend.

All right! Party time! I brought the Slip 'n Slide.

Let's move the couch. Okay. I'll get the hose.

No, we don't need the hose, man. We'll just use beer.

Kelso, are you nuts? You're right.

We don't wanna waste the beer. Go get the hose, man.

No! Guys, we said, "No party."

Oh, come on, Forman. Look, man, you gotta help me out here.

Jackie and I are going through a really rough time, and maybe, just maybe, we can start to heal if you can find it in your heart to let me trash your girlfriend's house!

Don't care. But it's party time, man.

I invited a girl in a halter-top who was on her fifth beer.

Fifth beer! Halter-top! Forget it, Kelso.

But do you know what a Slip 'n Slide can do to a halter-top?

It turns it into a belt.

Hello? Hello, is Mr. Forman there?

No, I'm sorry. You just missed him. Can I take a message?

Yes. This is Fenton from All That Glitters.

Mr. Forman bought a ring here, and I'm calling to tell him it's ready.

And, ah, oh, it looks fabulous.

He bought me a ring?

I hope it wasn't a surprise. Perhaps you shouldn't know that I called.

Could you let Mr. Forman know that I called? I mean...

You shouldn't know that he bought you... Oh!

Now I've made a messy. Okay.

Okay, dinner is all ready.

I just had to add the secret ingredient: love.

By the way, "love" is salt.

All right. Chicken Pinciotti for two.

Is this red stuff gravy or blood?

There's no gravy.

Oh. Well, I guess it's just kind of moist then.

Actually, it's kind of pink. Is this ham?

No, it's Chicken Pinciotti.

Mine looks fine.

Well, if you don't wanna eat yours, we have some Fruity Pebbles.

No... No. Grown-ups don't eat Fruity Pebbles. They eat chicken.

What grown-ups?

Where are these grown-ups?

Donna, us.

The whole point of this weekend is to prove that we're grown-up and that Red doesn't know what he's talking about when he says I'm immature.

It is? I don't know. I thought the point of this weekend was to have, you know, a fun, light weekend.

Yeah. No, it will be fun and light. It's just that in the next 36 hours, I would like to prove to myself that my father's been wrong about me my entire life, but in a fun, light way.

Well, whatever. You don't have to eat the chicken.

No! What? No. Are you kidding? I was kidding.

I'm doing our grown-up, domestic squabbling thing, you know?

It's like, I make fun of your cooking, you tell me to put on pants when we have company.

Are you gonna stop wearing your pants? 'Cause I might have a problem with that.

See? Good, we're bickering, like husband and wife.

What, you call this dinner?

Hey, take my wife, please.

That's delicious.

Steven, just come in. Your jacket looks fine.

Mrs. Forman, I don't think this jacket's really my style.

Oh, nonsense.

Ever since I've know you, you've been nothing but flash and pizzazz.

Oh, and look, it says "stuntman" on the arm.

People are gonna think you're from Hollywood.

Excuse me. Yes? Oh. Mmm-hmm.

I was wondering if I might look at that ring you called Mr. Forman about that he doesn't know I know about yet.

Oh. I don't think I'm supposed to show you, but...

But I do a lot of things behind this counter I'm not supposed to do.

So, hmm.

This is an engagement ring.

An engagement ring? Uh-oh.

Why would Red give me a diamond ring?

Maybe it's a menopause diamond.

You know, for a happy menopause.

Oh, oh, it's engraved. "To Donna..."

You're a lucky woman, Donna.

I mean, Mr. Forman seems a tad young for you, but men and women are doing all sorts of things we never used to do, hmm?

Oh, my goodness! This is from Eric to...

Eric and Donna are engaged?

Well, if they are, I'm learning it here for the first time.

So, Mr. Stuntman...

Are you from Hollywood?

I gotta tell you, this being grown-up thing really seems to work for us.

It's like we're already good at being married.

All we did was eat.

Hey, a little secret they don't tell you?

That's all marriage is.

Forman, listen.

I just got back from the mall with your mom.

Nice coat, Hyde.

Burt Reynolds have a garage sale?

Yeah, Hyde, Donna and I are trying to be alone.

We got no use for a shiny, red stuntman.

Look, would you shut up and listen to me?

No! Okay? This house is closed to parties, okay?

So just go away. Oh, and tell the cast of Smokey and the Bandit that I said, "10-4."

Fine. I'm gone, man.

Don't you mean, "I'm eastbound and down, good buddy"?

What does a married couple do after a delicious dinner of Chicken Pinciotti?

Well, we could make out on the couch, but we're married, so maybe we should just fight and go to bed.

Whoa. What's wrong?


Okay, I think the Chicken Pinciotti wants to fly the coop.


I'm gonna be upstairs for a little bit.

Do you have any magazines that I could... Whoa! Okay.

I'll just read the shampoo.

Well, wait. You can't... You can't use the bathroom upstairs.

You have to use the one off the den.

Right in there?

While you're right in here?

I can't do that. You might sense something.

I might sense something? How much of a ruckus are you gonna make?

What... I just... I can't go here, okay?

And I can't go home because Red thinks I'm over at Fez's. What...

I'm a man without a country.

Eric, you wanted to be grown-up. And...

Well, this is something that grown-ups do in the same house.

No, I... You know what I was thinking?

I could build us another house, a separate house.

Eric, you're talking about an outhouse.

Well, it's about time those made a comeback!

Eric and Donna can't be engaged. They're too young.

How does something like this happen?

Well, Eric asked her to marry him, and instead of saying, "Ew," like a normal person, Donna said yes.

Well, I don't like secret-keeping in my house.

What else is going on that I don't know about?

Ooh. There is something else.

In the back left corner of Forman's closet, he has stashed some highly offensive photographic material.

Well, this has gotta stop.

Eric should have told me about his engagement, because in this house we do not keep secrets.

What are you talking about?

Cheesecake. Different types of cheesecake.

Oh. Sorry I missed it.

Don't judge me.

Kelso, I need to use your bathroom.

Nope. There's nobody here.

Of course, I can't see people who don't have parties for their friends.

So maybe there is somebody here, and I just can't see them.

I can't see you, Eric!

Kelso, I really need to use the bathroom.

Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you kicked us out of Donna's house, you party pooper.

Yeah. No party, no pooper!

Nice. Yeah, it really was. No party, no pooper!

So then I said, "No party, no pooper!" Because he wouldn't have a party.

See, I think it's stupid that Eric and Donna need to practice being married.

I mean, it's simple.

The woman just needs to be a cook in the kitchen, a maid in the living room, and an acrobat in the bedroom.

And I can hire a cook and a maid.

I am liking you more and more.

You know, I was thinking about The Incredible Hulk.

I like that show.

Especially the part where he gets all, like, mad and turns green and then his shirt rips off.

But then I was thinking, like, what if he was purple?

And a lady?

Come on. Like an angry, naked purple chick.

Yeah, that's better, right?

What's going on down here?

Why doesn't anybody ever go home?

And then I realized, that's why they call it a clock radio.

'Cause it's got both!

What are you doing here? I thought Eric was with you.

Eric is always with me in spirit.

Don't pussyfoot around.

I make three phone calls, you're back on that raft you floated in on.

Eric is at Donna's. Fez!

I fear the open sea.

Kitty, you know what I just found out about Eric?

You found out?

He lied to us. He's spending the night at Donna's.


What did you think it was?

He has dirty magazines in his closet.

Our son is a pervert. I'm just gonna go pray for him.

Hurry up! Hurry up! Hurry up! Hurry up!

Well, speak of the idiot.

I gotta use the bathroom.

What's the matter with the foreign kid's bathroom?

That is where you were, isn't it?

Yeah, of course. Why would I lie to you about something like that?

I need bacon.

Okay, the reason I'd lie about something like that is...

What happened? You piss Donna off, and she locked you out?

Donna? No. Oh.

Well, you pissed me off, so I'm locking you out.

Did you find... Don't stop loving me!

Well, look who's here.

Oh, say, Eric, the morning paper didn't come.

So I thought that you could tell me a story while I eat.

I know how good you are at making up stories.

Why don't you tell me things?

You can tell me things, even bad things.

A mother's love is like a flower that never wilts.

Unless it's lied to.

If you're done reciting poetry, I'd like to yell at the kid.

Hey, Forman, this is about to get ugly.

So if you have to go potty, now's a good time.

I'm sorry.

Okay, I shouldn't have told you I was at Fez's.

Do you ever think about what you're doing with your life?

Hey, Dad, it's my life, okay? I'm grown-up now.


Well, you sure say that a lot, so it must be true. Let me try it.

Hey, everybody, I'm Mister Rogers.

But wait, I'm not wearing a sweater.

And I'm about to kick your ass.

Maybe it doesn't work.

Maybe you're just an immature pissant who still lies to his parents.

You know what, Dad?

Oh, my God. You're right.

I have been lying, and acting immature, and keeping secrets.

And I swear to God, I'm just as sick of it as you are.

So, here's the truth. Donna and I are engaged.

I get his room.

You're engaged? Yeah.

I already gave her the ring. Kitty, are you hearing this?

Yes, I am.

And for the first time, too.

Well, it's true.

So, if I'm gonna be ready to be married, which I am, then I guess I should be ready to tell you the truth.

So, there it is.

Wow. That felt great.

I'm gonna go see my fiancee. Wow, that felt great, too.

What a great day!

Okay. Okay, this is good.

We're all being open here.

Does anybody have anything else they wanna get off their chest?

Mrs. Forman, I hate my jacket.

Oh, well, now we're just trying to hurt each other.

Okay, now. Come on, Steven.

Give it another chance. Oh, it's snazzy!

Hey, there. Hi, there. Check out my outerwear.

I'll just give this to Goodwill.

And read the arm. "Stuntman."

People are gonna think I'm from Hollywood.