That '70s Show S5E16 Script

Whole Lotta Love (2003)

Forman, why'd you have to tell Red you got engaged?

Look at him yelling and waving.

Oh! A little spit just landed on Bob.

Bob's so scared, he's not even wiping it off.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. This time Red is really gonna kill me.

My only hope is that he actually sticks his foot so far up my ass, he can't pull it out, and I get to take him straight to hell with me.

Yeah, why did you tell him? We had it all planned.

We were gonna give them wine, get them all loose and juiced.

But you spilled the beans.

Good, because wine and beans is not a good combo.

Hey. Toot-toot, if you know what I mean.

Sorry I'm late!

I was cutting through backyards on the way over here, and the Hendersons got a new jungle gym!

Whoa, they're still yelling?

Yeah. I'm trying to read Red's lips, but I can't make it out.

He keeps calling me a "stupid duck."

Ah!

Hey, I'll go spy on them.

I just gotta run home real quick and change into my ninja outfit.

I don't think this situation calls for camouflage, Kelso.

Well, that doesn't mean it's not fun to wear, Eric!

But they're just too young to get married.

How are they gonna live on their own?

Eric jumps a foot every time the furnace kicks on.

Exactly. He's not mature enough to get married.

I'm still cutting the crusts off his sandwiches.

Well, it's really more for me. He's my baby.

Don't mind me. Feel free to keep talking. I'm just getting a soda. I'm not spying.

Hey, I don't like this engagement either, but it's not like they can break it off.

Why the hell not?

Well, it wouldn't be very romantic, for one.

Oh, forget about it. I'll take care of this myself!

No, no. Red, if you go out there and yell, you're just gonna drive him away.

I'm sorry, Kitty, but yelling is the only part of being a father that I enjoy.

Red, Red, I am putting my foot down. I forbid it.

All right, fine.

Wow! Red, I forbid you to... Shut up, Bob.

Burn!

Get out! Yeah.

Well? What were they saying?

I don't know.

Well, I was so busy acting like I wasn't listening, I forgot to listen.

Man.

I bet you he's trying to think of a punishment.

He already took away the Vista Cruiser, and fined me.

What's next? Is he gonna cut off my pinkie?

What's the point of getting married, Red's gonna cut that off?

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Nina, you have such beautiful fingers, so long and elegant, like spider legs.

We can't do this here.

We can go to the backseat of the student-driver car.

But I have to warn you, I have a hard time keeping my hands at 10:00 and 2:00.

Fez, this tension between us is causing problems.

And here at the DMV, I've learned it's easier to solve problems when they're posed in a multiple-choice format.

So, "A", we can further explore our relationship, and hope that relieves the tension, or, "B", I can fire you.

Is this some kind of trick?

It's not a trick. Hmm, so it is a trick.

I choose "B."

No, you choose "A"!

Okay, I'll take "A."

But I think you should throw a little "T" in there, too.

Dinner's ready, Eric. You know what?

Dad's in there, so I'll just, you know, forage for berries.

Look, I am not happy about this situation either, but I am in there making the best of it, not out here diddling a basketball.

Mom, if I was out here diddling a basketball, this would be a very different conversation.

Get in there.

Well, look who I found.

Our son, who we love very much.

Hey, Dad. Pass the peas, Steven.

Red, your son spoke to you. I heard him.

But you asked me not to yell at him, and I agreed, so I'm just taking your idea and refining it.

Oh, so you're giving me the silent treatment?

So, Steven, how was school today?

Well, in health class today, we learned that an early engagement's often a sign of heavy drug use.

Hyde!

Red, you're being a big baby.

No, Mom, it's okay. Actually, it's a pleasant surprise, but let's see how serious he is about it.

Hey, Dad, you know who's got the right idea?

Russia.

I haven't felt this kind of tension in years. Reminds me of home.

Except, everyone's wearing a shirt.

j& Happy birthday! j&

Oh! Is this for me?

Yeah.

Jackie, it's your birthday? Oh, I figured you knew.

A good boyfriend would have, but whatever.

Hey, why didn't you tell me, man? I would have gotten you something.

Well, I didn't wanna make a big deal about it, 'cause I'm trying not to care so much about gifts and material things, and...

Oh, it's not working, because this is beautiful!

Oh! I'm gonna go try it on! Thank you! Mmm-hmm.

Kelso, what are you doing, man? You trying to make me look bad?

No, I'm not doing anything.

Well, whatever you are doing, you shouldn't go up against me, 'cause you're not gonna win.

Well, I'm not doing anything, and I am going to win.

No, you're gonna lose.

Well, how can I lose if I'm not doing anything?

How can you win if you're not doing anything?

Well, if I win, I'll admit that I'm doing something.

Nina, I think people at work are starting to notice there's something between us.

Well, it didn't help when you stood up at the staff meeting and said, "I wanna do it with Nina."

Well, they asked if there was any unfinished business.

I think I've figured out a way to get rid of all this tension.

You need to spend the night with me. I'm all yours, boss lady.

But you have to tell me where to stop now, because I have been burned in the past.

I don't want you to stop anywhere.

Oh.

Oh!

j& I'm going to do it! I'm going to do it! j&

Fez!

Sorry. I wrote this song about three years ago, and I finally get to use it.

You know, that sweater wasn't on sale or anything.

Paid full price.

Pretty sweet, huh?

Yes, but it gets less sweet the more you talk about it.

Sorry. I'm done.

$27!

Hey. How was work with Red?

It was terrible. I thought Red not talking to me would be cool, but today, instead of telling me to sweep the back room, he just threw a broom at me.

Well, what about if I talked to him?

I mean, we've always gotten along. Maybe I can get through to him.

Donna, I'm not gonna make you fight my battles for me.

I mean, I'm not gonna ask the woman that I love to do what I should do.

But Red will be home at around 5:30, so try to catch him before dinner, okay?

Attention, everyone.

My friend Fez has some wonderful news.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

I did it!

All right, Fez!

Now, now, wait, wait! I wanna hear this. "I did it" who?

Oh, wait, Fez, I can't believe you finally lost your virginity!

Wait, wait. This isn't like the time you bought a hamster, named it "Virginity", and then lost it, is it?

No. This is the real thing.

You know, I had a hamster once.

I tied him up to a helium balloon with a note.

Made it all the way to Minnesota.

Alive?

No, I'm gonna send a dead hamster up in a balloon.

So? Come on. Tell us all about it. Yeah.

Okay. Well, it was incredible.

Nina and I started out kissing in the living room, then we moved into the bedroom, where we undressed.

And, well, then... Then we did it.

What... Details, Fez. We need details!

Well, our faces didn't line up right, so I kept bumping my chin on her nose.

And then there were some sounds.

What kind of sounds?

Well, I will say this, it was not applause.

There was no romantic music, like in the movies, so I had to hum.

And then Nina told me to stop humming.

And then I started again without realizing it.

And then she got mad. And then I think she got sad.

Oh, well, don't worry, Fez.

She probably just felt bad she was doing it with a foreigner.

And then afterwards, I went into the bathroom, and...

And cried a little.

And then I snuck out the back door.

Poor Fez.

Well, you know, at least it couldn't have been any worse.

I left my underwear in her bathroom.

Mr. Forman, you remember what it felt like when you fell in love with Mrs. Forman, don't you?

Nope. One day I just woke up, and my life was over.

Next question.

Well, I think...

I think what Mr. Forman is trying to say is that we worry you're too young to get married.

Do you even know how to bake a casserole? I don't think you do.

Look, I believe there's one person out there for everyone.

And you guys are that person for each other, and Eric is that person for me.

And if you could just open your hearts, you'd see that we should be together forever, because we're in love, and we make each other really happy.

Donna, that is so romantic.

I still think you're too young.

But if it has to be someone, I'm glad it's you.

I always wanted a daughter.

You already have a daughter.

A better daughter.

You know what, Donna? You're right. You and Eric are perfect for each other.

Really? Yes!

You're as big a dumb ass as he is!

Welcome to the family.

I'm so nervous about working with Nina today.

It's like, now that we did it, I never wanna see her face again.

Yeah, you did it, all right.

Hey, hey! Look who's wearing a $27 sweater!

Jackie, you can't keep that sweater.

Why not? Because it's from Kelso.

Yeah, but it's so pink and fuzzy, that it just makes up for it.

Kelso, she's someone else's girlfriend. What are you doing?

I'm not doing anything.

And it's working.

Just take it off.

Leave it on.

Take it off. Let's see some skin.

Yeah. Take it off.

Why is everyone against me?

Because you're telling a girl to keep her top on.

That's true. Take it off.

Hi. Hello.

Go ahead. After you.

Here, let me... No, I know how it goes.

Okay, just... I'm just trying to help.

Now it's stuck!

You just have to give it a yank.

This is just like last night!

Okay. Where's Red? I just found out he called my daughter a dumb ass.

What?

Well, I really thought I was getting through to him, but then he snuck a "dumb ass" in.

That is a hurtful word.

You gotta do something about your husband, Kitty.

You guys would be lucky to get Donna.

If anything, she's gonna pretty your family up.

Excuse me?

I'm just saying, we're a voluptuous bunch.

Mom, you need to talk to Dad.

I don't know why you're surprised he's upset.

Why did you have to get engaged?

And why did you have to tell your father? He's not stable, Eric.

Okay, fine. I'll talk to him myself.

Eric, be careful. I looked deep into Red's eyes, and I saw...

Well, I just saw me upside down and tiny, but he looked mad.

You know what? I don't care. I'm going down to Price Mart.

And if I don't come back, then, Donna, please move on with your life.

Wedding or no wedding, we're still getting one of those triple-decker cakes.

Oh, working with someone you have had sex with, is the worst thing ever.

I don't know how Donny and Marie do it.

You know, sex ruins everything.

No, I disagree, Fez.

I mean, sure, the first time can be awkward.

Well, I mean, it wasn't for me and Jackie.

You know, maybe I should tell the story.

Yeah. It's a great story, Hyde.

You know what, Kelso? It's getting real old.

And the story I remember after your first time, was you didn't call her for a week.

I was gonna skip that part.

Wait, that's right. You didn't call me.

Oh, that's because he was thinking about breaking up with you.

What?

No, I told you. I didn't call you 'cause we were having our phones cleaned!

And then to get back on your good side, he bought you a stupid stuffed unicorn.

Fluffycakes?

Fluffycakes is tainted?

See, he wanted something from you, so he bought you a present.

Sound familiar?

Michael, why did you buy me this sweater?

All right. It's time to come clean.

I stole the sweater.

Fine. You know what? Forget it.

I don't want it, so just take it.

Now we're talking. Give us a little dance.

Told you it wouldn't work.

I wasn't doing anything!

Hey, let's not fight.

We all saw a little Jackie side-boob. I think we all won.

Hi, Fez. Okay, look... Nina, I know what you're going to say.

The other night was awful, and you just wanna be friends.

No. I was going to say, the other night was awful, and we should practice and get better at it.

Oh, well, I have to say, I don't hate the sound of that.

So, should I make an appointment, or...

Just get in the house. Okay. One second. j& I'm going to do it again! I'm going to do it again! j&

Okay, Dad. You can ignore me, and you can call my girlfriend names, but here's the thing.

Donna and I are getting married, okay? Whether you like it or not.

But you're too young, and you're throwing your life away.

You said I was throwing my life away when I quit T-ball.

And I was right about that, too.

You're not marrying her, and that's final.

Well, Dad, you can't stop me, okay?

I'm gonna be graduating soon, I'll be on my own. I have a job.

I mean, I make enough money to pay for the wedding myself.

Well, that's great. But you don't have a job. You're fired.

What?

You're fired.

Let's see you pay for a wedding now.

Punch out, and empty your locker.

Fine!

But I'm keeping the smock! Give me the smock!

Jackie. Mmm-hmm?

Happy birthday.

Steven, you shouldn't have!

Oh!

It's a Led Zeppelin T-shirt.

And it's used!

Yeah, that's my favorite one.

You're with me now, so I wanted you to have it.

Aw, Steven, I love it!

Do I have to wear it? No.

Steven, I love it! Oh!

Well, that was a nice 20 minutes of silence.

Who wants a little kick in their coffee? I know I do.

You're the dumb ass!