That '70s Show S5E18 Script

Hey Hey What Can I Do (2003)

So, Hyde, big job fair tomorrow.

Oh, and you're in luck, 'cause I read that corporate America is experiencing a severe shortage of paranoid conspiracy nuts.

I'm not a conspiracy nut, okay?

My history, shop and gym teachers secretly started that rumor to discredit me.

I do need a job though, since The Fotohut shut down.

And I'm never gonna get my pictures back, which is a real shame, 'cause they'll never let me under the bleachers anymore.

You need a job, too, Eric, since you just got fired from your last job by your own daddy.

Well, at least my daddy's not in jail for bribery.

Okay. So get this, the radio station I work at wants me to work their job-fair booth as "Hot Donna."

All right? As if I'm some object for guys to leer at. God.

Whoa! Oh, my God!

Spank me!

I guess being beautiful has its benefits.

Hey, shut up. I'm embarrassed.

I'm talking about me, Donna.

And the best thing about being beautiful is I can get work as a model.

So I don't have to go to the job fair like the rest of you uggos.

Well, I cannot wait.

Nina will be at the DMV booth, which means that Fez will be making out during a school day.

How many of you suckers have made out during a school day?

How many of you suckers have made out during a school day in the nude?

Then I will be nude.

Oh, my God! What? What?

I got startled, 'cause I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

I'm so handsome, I thought Shaun Cassidy was sitting in the backseat.

Yes. You are a beautiful male specimen.

Except you have a gray hair.


No, I don't.

Dude, I hit a cop car.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

All right, Eric, listen up.

You know how your mother and I feel about you and Donna getting engaged, but since you won't listen to reason, I've come to a decision.

If you don't cancel this engagement, I'm not paying for your college.


Because he loves you.

No, he doesn't.

Yes, he does. He's full of love, but it's buried, just like treasure.

Dad, how could you do this? Oh, it's easy.

Instead of giving $4,000 to a college, I leave my cheque book in the drawer, count my money, and laugh like a little girl.


He laughs because he loves you!

Where did you learn your parenting skills?


Kitty, I am right about this.

Red, you can't just force people to do what you want.

Oh, see, that's one of those things that people say that's just not true.

Like, "There's no place like home."

Hell, I can think of a hundred places better than this.

I cannot believe you hit a police car.

No, no, don't worry. It's a hot lady cop.

Just watch the master.

License and registration. Yeah. Just give me a sec here.

My wallet gets stuck, 'cause I've been working out.

My leg muscles are huge.

Oh, boy. By the way, I can bench about 220, so that'd be about two of you, little lady.

What's your name?

Oh, my name is Fez, but I have a girlfriend, so you need to cool it, little girl.

Yeah. I'll try.

Okay, Mr. Kelso.

I'm gonna issue you a citation.

Oh, boy, a citation for being too foxy in a school zone?

No. A citation for $64.

Bench press that.

So, if we don't break off the engagement, Red's not gonna pay for my college.

You know, maybe this is it, Eric. Maybe Red won.

No. No, okay?

He's not gonna win.

You know what?

I'll just look for something full-time at the job fair.

I'll pay for college myself. People do that, right?

Yeah, people with skills.

But, I mean, you're cute. That's a skill. Stop.

How can Red do this to me?

I swear to God, that man is always mad.

I think the gene for joy might be stored in hair.

Well, there are a lot of angry bald men.

Yul Brynner in The King and I.

Yes, Mr. Freeze from Batman.

Remember that time Robin foiled his deep freeze...


What did we talk about?

Every time I reference Batman, I owe you a geek dollar.

Yes, thank you.

Guys, something horrible happened.

Let me tell it.

Kelso tried to charm a lady cop, and it didn't work.

But she was all over me, boy.

I'm like freaking catnip.

Guys, today made me realize looks fade!

I'm not gonna be able to be a model forever!

I'm gonna have to get a practical, realistic job, like regular, ugly people.

Okay, so which sounds better, wide receiver or spy?

Well, Kelso, I don't see why you couldn't just do both.

You're right. It's the perfect cover.

Okay. Okay, everybody!

This is your last school field trip, so smile!

Okay, now wave hello to your futures. "Hello, futures!"

Okay, now, wave goodbye to your mothers who loved you and gave you the best years of their lives.

Now what are they gonna do? What? Tell me what I am supposed to do!

You're supposed to take your little yellow pill.

That's what you're supposed to do.

Man, look at this place. There's tons of butt-ugly people.

And one day I'm gonna be one of them.

Man, I can't do this.

Being around this many corporate stooges.

I can't breathe!

Steven, stop it! This is serious.

If you keep pulling at cotton like that, it won't rebound.

Well, I'm off to find Nina for a little field-trip make out.

How many of you suckers have made out during a field trip?

What the hell? Was I the only one watching sausage get made?

Well, lookee here.

You know, if America's employers are looking for a pretty-boy moron, an engaged hophead, and a mush-mouthed foreigner, they're gonna be jumping for joy.

Wait a minute. Am I the pretty-boy moron?

Yes. Cool, 'cause that's the best one.

Hey. Hey.

So, you ready for the big job search? Yup.

I got my resume, my very best blazer, and a really charming story about how my biggest fault is that I just work too darn hard, so...

How about you?

I don't know. This is so humiliating.

I mean, I have a brain, you know. 2,000 records sorted by artist and genre.

I didn't do that with my boobs.

That'd be a neat trick though.

I've always been fascinated by the veterinary sciences.

Do you have any jobs available?

Yes. We need someone to usher our four-legged friends into the next life.

All right. That sounds fantastic. And how do I do that?

You shovel the carcass into the furnace.

I've always been fascinated by transportation.

Do you have any jobs available? Yes, road-kill remover.

Except, sometimes the critter's not quite dead.

In that case, you gotta shoot it. You're the "triggerman."

I've always been fascinated by meat.

Do you have any jobs available? Yes. Triggerman.

Please tell me you're kidding.

The cows don't kill themselves, son.

Although, I did see one walk right off a cliff once.

Stock boy. Need a stock boy.

Not you.

So, if I work here, will I have to slaughter anything?

No, we're a bank.

We're looking for tellers.

And just to be perfectly clear, I won't have to murder any animals?

Whatever you do on your own time is fine with us.

Hello, First Midwestern!

Hi, I'm Jackie, and this is Steven.

Steven is a no-nonsense Sagittarius who's not afraid of hard work or true love.

I'm Dave, a shy Pisces who's looking for love, and a salesman to sell on commission.

The more you sell, the more you can earn. That's perfect for him!

Steven, if you can get me to date you, you can sell anything.

Thanks, but, no thanks.


Are you nuts? That guy almost offered me a job!

So, what's wrong? Did you hear him?

"The more you sell, the more you earn?"

The more you sleep, the more you earn. That's my job.

Damn, woman!

So, Nina, after walking around the job fair, and hearing the word "job" a lot,

it gave me needs.

No. We're at a job fair. Please don't say that word.

Well, I can't go far from my booth, it's my job.

Stop it!


One of your officers recently issued me a ticket.

My name is Michael Kelso. Michael Kelso.

Wait a minute. Officer Debbie?

Oh, my God! What happened to you?

You're like your own ugly sister!

What do you want, Mr. Kelso? What do I want?

I wanna know how one minute you're all wah-wah, and the next you're all...

Good cripes! Hey, now...

Well, I'm just saying, in your uniform you are like a totally hot police chick, but out of your uniform, you're a total pie face.

Well, good God!

Wait a minute.

It's like you got all your charisma from your uniform.

What is happening to you? What? Are you having a stroke? What?

No, that's just how I look when I have an idea.

To Eddie.

Love, Hot Donna.

Hot Donna has now signed 87 guys!

And two girls.

It's like, who knew, in our little town?

Well, I can see you got over your little bout of shyness.

What the hell? They think I'm hot. And you know what?

Hot Donna rules!

So, great news. I got a job at First Midwestern Bank.

Oh, my God! Eric.

I know. And they have branches all over Wisconsin, so wherever you go to school, I'll have a job.

I'll save some money. I can start school, like, a year after you.

And I don't even have to slaughter animals.

Was that ever an option?

Apparently it's the invisible industry of Point Place, yeah.

I'm actually surprised the streets aren't running red with blood.

Well, Steven, it is obvious you don't want a job.

No. I'm just holding out for one that has a cash register with a lock that's very, very easy to jimmy.

Oh, God! Excuse me. Oh, that's okay. I probably deserved it.



Hey, man. Long time no see.

When my dad left, my mom signed me up for the Big Brother program, and I got Roy. And we had some good times before you left town.

Yeah, I moved in with a wonderful woman. Oh. What happened?

She found out I was living there.

Roy has some problems with people.

They don't like me. Yeah. You don't like me, right?

Not really.

But to be fair, I have very high standards.

Yeah? She's really nice, Steven.

Hey, so what are you doing here?

I work here. Hotel kitchen manager.

I was gonna put out word that we are looking for a cook, but then I figured, why bother?

They'll just leave me like everybody else.

So, Roy, you seem a little depressed there.

Yeah, I'm teetering on the brink. Hmm.

Maybe I can do something to cheer you up. Really?

Oh, that'd be great.

So, I'm on the Golden Gate Bridge, and everyone's telling me to jump.

I was just out for a jog.

Okay, Roy, here's what I'm gonna do for you.

I'm gonna take that job as cook, and keep you company, on two conditions.

I'm not gonna work very hard, and you're gonna have to pay me a lot.

But, man, it'll be a bargain, considering the money you save on hookers and shrinks.

Great. And if it's work-related, I can call you at home.

Now I have a reason to get a phone.

Steven, you're a chef!

If you can learn to make those fancy deviled-egg thingies, I will lose my freaking mind!

So, how's the day going?

Well, let's see. I interviewed 15 potential employees:

10 dumb asses, four cretins and a mama's boy.

I vote for the mama's boy. I think they're sweet.

Hey, Dad! Guess what.

I got a job at First Midwestern, so Donna and I can stay engaged.

I'll work, she'll study, and in a few years, I can pay for my own tuition. Yay! I win!

Great news!

I'm gonna be a cop!

No. No, listen. It's perfect for me.

The uniform will keep me looking hot, even when I'm old.

And plus, I love helping people.

No, you love humping people.

Eric, a lot of times humping is helping.

So, you're really gonna be a cop?

Well, he did shoot me, so we know he's good with guns.

And you just know they're gonna partner him up with a dog.

Actually, you know what? It's kind of perfect.

He'll get to run through people's backyards with a stick.

He does that anyway.

The important thing is, is that I'll be performing a very valuable community service.

And plus, I'll be sexy forever.

I mean, just think about it.

Nobody move! This is a robbery.

Not in my town, dirt bag.

Oh, Officer, not only did you perform a valuable community service, you'll be sexy forever!

All in a day's work, ma'am.

Now, let's get you into something a little more comfortable.

But I'm already in a bikini. I know.

Kelso, you do realize you'll have to help ugly people, too.

Nah. I'll just leave that for the fat cops.

Hey. I just got off the phone with the bank.

And I didn't get the job, because someone gave me a bad reference.

And then I thought to myself, "Hmm. I've only had one boss." You!

I can't believe you blackballed your own son!

As usual, I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

Oh, so you're not even man enough to admit it? You know what I think?

I think you're a bitter, old man who's so miserable in his life, that you have to make everyone else just as miserable as you are!

You're pathetic! Honey.

Your father didn't call the bank manager, I did.

Mom, please stay out of this.

What was that?

I gave you the bad reference. Oh.


I'm just kidding.

Eric, if you take a bank job and put off school, you'll never go to college, and the bank manager agreed with me.

Plus, I told him you were bad at math.

So, there's no job money to pay for college, no money from you guys to go to college.

Wow. I guess we're really hoping for that football scholarship, huh?

I have a compromise.

Your father and I will pay for college if you and Donna will agree to just put off your engagement for one year.

I'm not compromising anything!

He said some hurtful things.

No. I'm sick of being controlled by both of you guys.

You guys can keep your money, okay? 'Cause guess what, I don't want it!

Ma'am! Sir!

We got a call about a domestic disturbance.

Get out of here.

Okay, but if I gotta come back out here, somebody's going downtown.

Well, quit it. I'm just practicing.

And this is the pantry.

If you ever get really depressed, it's a good place to go and cry.

Also, it's where we keep the mustard.

All right, cool. Well, I guess I'll see you on Monday.


Okay, man. Okay, Roy.

Get off me!

Oh, I almost forgot to show you the walk-in freezer.

A little privacy, please!