That '70s Show S5E2 Script

I Can't Quit You Babe (2002)

Of all the dumb ass stunts you kids ever pulled, this little California adventure takes the dumb ass cake!

We are very disappointed in you, Eric, even though going to California to rescue Donna is one of the most romantic things I've ever heard of.

That's true. If he had gone by horse, they would have made it a movie.

Look, Mr. Forman, before you get all scary and pink, I just wanna say that running away to California was completely selfish and immature.

And, as for me, as long as I live under your roof and eat your food, I should be doing things your way.

What a load of crap!

You two are not above the law.

Now, Eric, hand over the keys to the Vista Cruiser.

What? Dad, no.

The cruiser's my Batmobile.

Without it, I'm just a guy in a silly outfit.

Now, Eric.

A little time apart will do you kids some good.

So, Donna, I transferred you to the Catholic high school, Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow.

What?

That's right. You're starting this week, so you better get out your Bible and brush up on your Ten Commandments and that thing about the dwarfs.

j& Oh, say can you see j& Oh, say can you see What the hell? Fez! j& Oh, say can you see... j&

Wait a second.

You two look sweaty and guilty.

Have you been eating my candy?

What candy?

I didn't say candy.

And I certainly don't have any candy hidden in the garage.

I will be in the garage.

Steven, that was way too close.

You need to learn to keep your hands off me.

Me? You're the one who can't keep her tongue to herself.

Please. I let you fool around with me out of pity.

You know what your problem is? You're really cute, so no one ever told you to shut your piehole.

You think I'm cute?

Shut your piehole!

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Oh, Catholic school?

That's rough.

Yeah, my dad took away my slingshot, so I'm feeling it pretty bad, too.

What were you guys doing?

Huh? Oh, we're just watching, um...

This old lady's eating a fish.

Look, Jackie, we've been avoiding each other.

I think it's time we hash this thing out.

It's okay, I'm good.

I can see you're devastated over losing me.

You know what, Michael? I'm fine, really.

You sound brave, but inside you're a scrambled mess.

Just remember this, I'll always be there for you, in case you have any physical needs, all right?

Damn, Hyde. What was that for?

I just missed you, man.

Wait. Donna, you're actually gonna go to Catholic school?

Not just Catholic school, Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow.

That means "sad forever."

Eric, we're never even gonna see each other.

Yeah, I know. And I can't even drive you to school.

And we can forget about any lunchtime hokey-pokey.

That's what it's all about.

Man, it sucks not having a car.

Well, I'm gonna go drive mine.

Catch you guys later.

Wait, wait, Steven. Where are you going?

What do you care?

I don't.

You know, I just remembered that I have to go to the mall because they're having this big Monday Madness sale.

Jackie, it's Tuesday.

See? Total madness!

Poor kid, trying to replace me with shopping.

Eric, what are we gonna do?

I mean, if I go to this school, our senior year is ruined.

I mean, we're not even gonna graduate together.

You know what? Bob is not sending you to that Catholic school.

Now, we're gonna sit down, we're gonna figure out what we're gonna do.

Guys? Let's get serious.

It's simple.

I'm gonna march over there and talk to Bob.

I love a good march.

My birthday is in March.

And then it's on to April.

April showers.

Oh! The Seduction of Eric Forman, starring the insatiable April Showers.

Are you really gonna go talk to my dad for me?

Eric, you're so sweet and brave.

Pound for pound, you're like the bravest guy in the whole world.

I love you so much!

Well, my candy is safe.

But something was up with Jackie.

She looked scared, like a deer in the headlights with his pants down.

Man, I feel sorry for Jackie.

I mean, to have to look at this all day and not be able to touch it?

I can't even do that!

I love you.

I love you more.

Sexy.

Hey! You two quit it! Okay? This circle is sacred.

You don't do anything in here that you wouldn't do in a church!

No, no, wait. In a cemetery.

No, wait. In the teachers' lounge.

Man, I've done it everywhere.

Okay. This is my Michael-box.

I saved everything that loser ever gave me.

Hmm. One-year anniversary.

What a moron!

Well, you know, I guess Kelso's really history for you.

I never thought that'd happen till you met someone else.

You met someone else.

What? Someone else? That's crazy.

You're crazy.

Shut your piehole!

Hey, check it out.

I was at the bakery, and this crumb cake came fresh out of the oven.

And when I think crumb cake, I think Bob.

Uh-huh. What do you want?

I wanna talk to you about Donna and that Catholic school.

Crumb cake isn't gonna get me to change my mind.

Are you sure?

Those are real crumbs.

She's going to that school, and that's final.

Okay. Fine.

But know this, I am prepared to fight this with every fiber of my being.

On the other hand...

You... You can't put a price on good education.

I can't believe they're making you wear those knee-high socks every day.

What the hell?

Oh, my God.

I'm blind!

Jackie! Get off me!

Great outfit!

Okay, so, um, what exactly did you see?

Hands, tongues, yours, his. It was horrible!

You were like Siamese twins joined at the beard.

Hey, it was her fault, man. She threw herself at me.

No, no. You were on top of me.

You pulled me.

I've done a lot of partying, so, you know, my balance is off.

This is impossible. You two hate each other.

Kelso is gonna freak out!

Kelso!

Settle down, Esmeralda.

Kelso doesn't need to know about this.

Yeah, look, it's just a meaningless fling, okay?

We can stop whenever we want.

Well, then maybe you should.

Why do you even care?

Because you're breaking up the band, Yoko!

Well, naughty ladies wear plaid.

Fez, please.

That's right. Beg for it, sexy schoolgirl.

Fez, we just caught these two frenching, like a couple of French people at a frenching festival.

What? That's impossible. You two hate each other.

I said... I just said that.

Okay, you are gonna tell us how this happened right now.

Ooh, I like it when you order me around in that uniform.

Okay, fine. Look, I'll just tell you what happened.

It was a few weeks after Donna and Michael left, and Steven invited me over to listen to a new record.

Check it out.

Isn't it the coolest?

Don't you just wanna shake it?

Wait. Time out on the field.

I don't shake it, and I don't listen to Abba.

Whatever, it's my story. Anyway...

I could totally tell he was trying to make a move.

Then he held me real close and said...

May I kiss you, milady?

Hyde, I had no idea you could be so formal.

Come on. She's so full of crap.

Then why don't you tell us what really happened, milady?

Fine. Fine, okay?

So, I'm hanging out in the basement like I usually do, when Jackie showed up. It was obvious she wanted me.

I want you. It's obvious.

God, that's crazy.

No, no, you so came on to me first.

You know, you said that you didn't have a new boyfriend.

He is not my boyfriend.

I'm not her boyfriend.

They just don't get it. No. Why would they?

Let's go, baby.

I'm leaving, too.

This basement's tainted for me now.

Well, I still wanna know how the hell all this happened.

Another old lady. She can't even reach the wheel!

I can't watch The Price is Right again, I just can't.

God, this summer totally sucks.

There's nothing to do.

I bid $1, Bob.

Hey. I'm gonna take Donna to school. Oh! That's right.

Dad took away my car when I did that really super-romantic thing.

Well, I guess we were only reunited just to be ripped apart again.

Like Romeo and Juliet.

You know, why don't you take the car this one time?

It'll be our little secret.

Okay.

Shh!

Where do you think you're going?

Mom said I could.

You just bought yourself another week, kiddo.

Look, Dad, I need my car.

Don't you remember when you were in high school?

I bet you had some good times, driving around senior year with your friends.

My senior year, I was driving a gunboat around Okinawa.

And if you count the Japanese snipers as my friends, then, yes, I had some good times.

You have to understand, Eric, it's not that your father's trying to be a bad guy, it's just that he's been irreparably damaged by war.

I'm just sick of you doing whatever the hell you want.

Your father and I feel that you're not taking yourself seriously.

Hmm.

You are such a talented young man.

Eric!

Oh, uh...

Yeah, forget about the car. I gotta go.

Oh, look how cute in her little uniform!

I'm gonna have to lock him in his room and poke his eyes out.

Here's what I don't get about Fantasy Island.

You know when you get off the plane, and you see Mr. Roarke, and that little kid in the white suit?

Well, if it's me, I'm like, "This is creepy," right?

So, I just grab a free daiquiri, and I'm out of there.

Whoa! Whoa!

Grow up, it's just a uniform.

Sorry. You're right. I'm sorry.

Man, that was totally worth waiting for.

I agree. Now we can go.

How was your first day?

Grim. This nun totally spanked me with a ruler.

Yet another reason I wish I was a ruler.

Wait a minute! Weird!

Okay. Now you guys are sitting together?

Oh, my God. You guys aren't just fooling around.

You care about her.

I do not. She sickens me.

No, no, no. I'm the one who's sickened, okay?

I'm not supposed to be seen with scruffy guys like you.

I date guys I can take out in public.

Yet you continue with this abomination!

You know, you guys have to tell Kelso.

Or we'll tell Kelso. Shall we?

Wait. No, no, no. Okay, guys. Look.

What if we just break it off right now?

Look, there's nothing to even break off, so it's fine by me.

Yes. This is what I wanna hear.

It'll be like it never happened.

Donna, come. Let us leave this unholy thing behind.

Steven, do I really sicken you?

No.

I sicken me, because you're supposed to sicken me, but you don't.

Well, I feel the same way.

I mean, I like how scruffy you are.

Of course you do.

Man, you know what? Screw it.

Let's just do what we want, okay?

Okay. What about Michael?

Details, baby. Details.

So, how's that uniform working out for you?

Stop.

Do you feel like a good girl that just can't help being bad?

Be bad, Donna. I won't tell.

Eric, it's not funny.

I actually have to go to this school every day now.

Without... Without you.

Okay, so, you know what? We'll see each other nights and weekends, and I'll come visit you at school.

You know, I still have a bike.

Eric, it's, like, 10 miles away.

Ten... So what? These legs were made for pedaling.

Come on.

You've seen my thighs. Yeah.

You're a good boyfriend.

"You're a good boyfriend" who?

I'm not calling you Principal Forman.

Don't make me get the ruler, young lady.

Red can take Eric's car, but he can have my car candy when he pries it from my cold, dead fingers.

You were right. 10 miles is nothing.

Will you pick me up from school every day?

Sure.

Which arm hurts when you're about to have a heart attack?

Help.