That '70s Show S5E20 Script

No Quarter (2003)

Donna, you're so sweet for letting Jackie live here with you while her mom is...

You know.

Whoring around Mexico?

Donna, that is not fair.

I think she left Mexico.

Well, you know, Jackie and I might have fun.

It's sort of like a slumber party. Mmm-hmm.

Yes, late-night girl-talk, hot oil massages, and the furtive whispers of, "We shouldn't!"

And then, "Shh! It's okay!"

Is that all you're bringing?

Oh, just a couple more small things.

Out of the way, Jackie.

Coming through!

Got a buttload!

Heavy. Can't feel my fingers!



Jackie's panties! Hey, Hyde.

If these babies could talk, I bet they could tell some pretty good stories about me!

Yeah, I bet they'd have a French accent, too.

My girlfriend's panties, Kelso?

Is that really a road you wanna go down with me?

What's that, panties?

Oh, no, I can't tell Hyde that one! Naughty panties!

What's that, fist? It would be my pleasure.

Here you go. One general-issue military cot, slightly used from my days in the National Guard.

Well, it's good to know that the National Guard was getting a good night's sleep while I was in the South Pacific dodging bullets and using coral as toilet paper!

So, I don't think there's gonna be room for everything.

Oh, Donna, sure there will. I only brought the stuff I absolutely needed.

All right. Where goes the horse?

Guys, if I enroll in the police academy in the fall, I can be busting heads in a year!

Freeze, dirtbag!

Wow, you did make me freeze.

But I was a dirtbag long before you came along.

Hey. Says here, you're supposed to start getting into shape now.

No, no, that's not for me. That's for the regular guys.

I haven't done a lap in gym class since I had my eighth-grade growth spurt, and Miss Brady made me her special assistant.

Guys, look at this. I just got another collection letter from the jewelry store about Donna's engagement ring.

Man, I gotta get some money, or I'm screwed.

Well, there's a job at the hotel.

My boss would have hired you. Then he talked to Red.

Well, I gotta do something. This is a very threatening letter.

"Call us immediately"?

It's in all capital letters.

Look at you. Another dirtbag dodging his responsibilities.

Not on my beat. Game over, dirtbag!

Man, I wish I had some handcuffs.

Here, use mine!

I'm learning to do magic.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!


I thought you were gonna put everything away.

I did. The hardest thing was finding room for my shoes.

But then I realized I could just fit them inside your shoes.


Look, let's just get some sleep.

Good night. Good night.

Jackie! Turn that off!

See, Donna, I need music to fall asleep.

See, I wear earplugs so I can just barely hear it, but it needs to be loud enough, because I like the vibration on the bed.

So, how am I supposed to get to sleep?

Think of something boring, you know, like school, or Eric.


I sold some of my albums to get some money for Donna's engagement ring.

Made three bucks.

Which means I am... Let me see, carry the one...

Oh! Still completely screwed.

They wouldn't take Anne Murray's Greatest Hits?

Is this whole crazy world turning upside down?

Hey, be nice to Anne, okay? She's a beloved Canadian songstress.

And I'm glad they didn't take her, because, well, the worse I feel, the more I need her.

Why do you have money?

What'd you do, mug a Girl Scout?

No, I've been selling my albums.

Oh, I hope you didn't sell that Froggy Went A-Courtin' record.

You know, when we were toilet-training Eric, I'd say, "Does someone need to go a-courtin'?"

And he would just run straight off and make a jobby.

You know, it occurs to me that since I paid the allowance that bought those records in the first place, that money's mine.

Well, it occurs to me that possession is 9/10ths of the law.

Keep up with the smart mouth, and my foot will be 9/10ths of the way up your ass.

You know, Forman, you should write a book.

Things My Father Threatened To Put In My Ass.

"Chapter One, His Foot."

I'd buy that.


Donna, don't you knock?

Not when it's my room!

Well, we're in here, so...

Yeah, well, I'm in here, so...

Hey, if you wanna watch, I can get into that.

Have a seat on the horse.

Hey, how was your weekend, Roy?

Oh, pretty good.

Think I might have met a woman.

Aw, that's great, man.

She's staying at the hotel.

When I took butter to her table, she looked right at me and said, "Took you long enough."


All right! Here I am!

Oh, Steven, meet our new kitchen assistant.

You hired Kelso?

Do you know how many fires this guy's started?

Three electrical, two chemical, and one that even surprised me.

Well, I wanted to help him out, and he said he needed a job.

Yeah, if I'm gonna be a cop, I gotta quit modeling, I mean...

I can't have the perps looking at pictures of me half-naked.

Oh, and everywhere I work, I like to feel at home, so I brought a little something of Jackie's.

Okay, I think that's a health-code violation, but I'm gonna look the other way, which is hard to do, 'cause, look, panties!

Yeah, I burned you with the panties again!

Two days, two locations. That burn is on tour.


I guess Roy didn't make things clear, but, all new hires are on probation.

So, at the end of the week, I get to say whether you stay or go.

Yeah, nice try.

No, I'm serious, man, it's all up to me.

So you might wanna try and get on my good side.

Oh, excuse me.

Yes, may I help you?

Oh. Hello, Fez.


You two know each other?

I don't wanna talk about it. Well, there's nothing to say.

You can say that again. Don't tell me what to do.

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Maybe I would!

Then there's nothing to say!


I have a question about this letter.

See, I don't think I'm gonna be able to make a ring payment anytime soon, so I was wondering if maybe we could work out some kind of a deal.

Fine. Here's a deal. You're gonna have to come up with the money by Friday, or bring the ring back to the store.

What? Bring the ring back? No, I can't do that.

You can, and you will. No later than 5:00.

I have a party at 8:00. I need the time to dress.

Eric, you're going to want to do what he says.

I've been at the other end of Fenton's stick, and believe me, that's not a place you want to be.

j& And even though I ain't got money j& I'm so... j&

Who am I kidding?

After I can't pay for Donna's ring, no one's gonna be in love with me, honey.

Must you mock me, Anne Murray?

Kelso, because of your panty shenanigans, I'm banning you from the circle.

I hereby ban you!

I also hereby eat your burrito.

Hey, Hyde? You're not the boss of me!

Oh, right. Well, you can't tell me what to do!


Well... Well, at least I'm still my own man.

No, I'm not!

What do you suppose Jackie and Donna are doing in the room right now?

Combing each other's hair?

Applying moisturizer to their all-overness?

Oh, to be a fly on that boob.

All I know is, I gotta go tell the woman I love that the ring I gave her for all eternity, was actually for only six-and-a-half weeks.

Life's a little more complicated than one of your simple little ditties, isn't it, Anne Murray?

Anne Murray.

What do you know about hard times?


You wanna borrow our shower?

Jackie used up all our hot water bathing her dolls.

Normally, I'd rather hose off in the driveway than ask you for a favor, but I'm afraid Bob will wanna act out some car-wash fantasy.

You got me there!

Come on, Jo-Jo, we can save water if we soap up together.

And when they're done, I'm retiling the whole damn bathroom.

Okay, so you're absolutely positive that my hairnet has to be pink?

It's gotta match your apron.

You're pretty.

Jackie, if you're gonna stay here, we need to set up a few ground rules.

Okay? You can't just...

What happened to my Led Zeppelin poster?

Oh, I put up the Captain & Tennille instead.

No, no, no, no.

No way is my Led Zeppelin becoming The Captain & Tennille.

Led Zeppelin wishes they could be The Captain & Tennille.

What did you say?

Hey, Donna. I need to talk to you for a second.

I have been thinking all day about your eyes.


Yeah, your eyes. They're so beautiful and shiny.

And, hey, you know what else is shiny?

This diamond ring on your finger, which has to go back to the store, because it isn't paid for.

Because you can put a price tag on a ring, but, you know, who can put a price tag on your eyes?

Only God, that's who.

You're taking back my ring?

Yeah. I'm sorry.


Man, I wish there were another way, but my dad won't let me have a job, and...

I mean, I can't make the payments.

God, I'm really sorry.

Oh, it's okay, Eric.

I mean, it doesn't change the way we feel about each other.

As long as we have that, I don't need a silly ring.

Donna, you didn't give me the ring.

Yeah, I... I thought you'd think I did.

All right.


Donna, I promise, I'm gonna make this up to you.


Donna, you gave me a quarter.

Mmm, fine.

Hello, Mr. Forman. And you.

Shut your filthy mouth!

Look, here it is. Here's the ring back.

Oh, honey, that's paid for.


Someone came in and paid through the end of next month.

I'm not supposed to say who, but she sure was a pretty little number.

I guess.

You know what? It was Donna.

I can't believe she'd go behind my back like this!

I cannot believe that this man would go behind my back and take what was given to me by God himself.

All right, what happened between you two, anyway?

I'm too much of a man to say.

But it involved a half-off sale, a crowded parking lot, and a pair of pants that make my ass look like an oil painting.

If you mean, old and cracked, then I agree.

I'll see you in hell!

Well, I'll be wearing your pants!

Okay, I'm feeling a little in the way here, so... I'm... I'm...

Oh, Roy. Hey, how's it going with that hotel chick that was all over you, asking for butter?

Well, I had this idea to surprise her with flowers, but when I did, she started screaming and hitting me.

And I guess the lesson is, don't hide in someone's shower.

I don't know what's wrong with chicks, man.

If I came home, and some strange girl was in my shower, that would be the greatest day of my life!


So, what are you doing?

Oh, Hyde's making me do his laundry.

Then after this, I gotta clean out the toilets, and hand-test all the mousetraps.

This probation period is killing me.

Did Hyde tell you there was a probation period?

Oh, man! That guy really knows how to enjoy life!

Wait. You mean, Hyde's just messing with me?

I don't have to worry about getting fired?

Well, if I didn't get fired for hiding in some woman's shower, I think your job's secure.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Kelso, be careful, huh? Some of those T-shirts are delicate.

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry, man. I'll be extra careful.

I wouldn't want to do anything to screw up my probation period!

Hey! I wanna play!

Come on, buddy. Somebody spray me.

Hey, Hyde, maybe you could use these to dry off with.

Probation period!

Jackie read my diary, Mrs. Forman.

And she even wrote little comments inside.

Yeah, like, "Oh, this could never happen."

And... And, "Donna, that guy was whistling at me, not you."

I can't take it anymore! I'm kicking her out.

But, Donna, the poor girl has nowhere to stay.

She can't stay here!

She can't stay anywhere near here.

Bob was in our shower again.

This morning, I pulled something out of our drain that I could not believe came off a human body.

Oh, Donna, there you are.

Okay, look, we have to talk about your makeup collection.

Chapstick is not lipstick.

Jackie, sit down.

Look, we need to talk about you and me living together, okay?

Donna! Because it's just...

I just came from the jewelry store.

You can't pay for your own engagement ring!

This ring is from me to you, not from me to you, paid for by you.

That's like cutting off my bal...

...lerina shoes.

Eric, I didn't pay for the ring.

Well, Fenton at the jewelry store said there was a pretty little number who...

Oh, my God. Mom?

You're the pretty little number.

Well, I... I do like hearing that once in a while.

But it wasn't me.

Well, I don't know, Dad, some men might consider you...

You just can't stop talking, can you?

Eric, I paid for the ring.

What? What?

Look, Donna, I read in your diary that you think I'm kind of hard to live with,

and, well, I realized you were right.

And I wanted to show you that I know, and I'm sorry.

And, well, thank you.

Well, gosh, Jackie, how very sweet, and uncharacteristic of you.

Well, I know how much you loved that ring, and I wanted to do something nice.

Wow, thanks.

You know, Jackie, some people, if they wanna be nice, they just actually start being nicer on a day-to-day basis.

Yeah, I figured it'd be easier to write a check.

Jackie! Jackie!

I heard something underneath my bed.



Fez, the cat's outside.

Woof, woof?

Please, let me stay. Please, let me stay.

I promise I won't make a sound.

Well, I do make some sounds, but they're happy sounds!