That '70s Show S5E21 Script

Trampled Under Foot (2003)

I'm telling you, the government has a car that runs on water, man.

They just don't want us to know, because then we'd buy all the water.

Then there'd be nothing left to drink but beer.

And the government knows that beer will set us free.

Hyde, you told us about that car a million times.

Can we please talk about how hungry and horny I am?

I wish I had a lady made of pizza, or a pizza made of boobs!

Yeah, hungry, check. Horny, check.

It's getting a little old, Fez.

God, I feel like I'm Luke Skywalker, you know?

Remember when he was living on Tatooine before R2 and 3PO showed up?

Just working on Uncle Owen's water farm all day.

Not even allowed to go into Toshie Station to pick up some power converters.


Eric, enough with the Star Wars crap!

Whenever you talk about that stuff, I frown, and when I frown, my skin wrinkles, and if I get wrinkles, my free ride is over.

And I like my free ride!

Yeah, we get it. You're good looking.

Look, doesn't anybody have anything new to say?

So, there's this car that runs on water, man.

It runs on water, man!

Okay, Nina, I brought you the special.

One small soda, one medium popcorn and one large Fez, dark and sweet.

Fez, you know I've had a lot of fun hanging out with you.

Hey, 37 times of fun, to be exact.

It would have been 38, but you know... And then, again, I apologize.

Now, enjoy your meal. If you need me, I'll be smelling your neck.

Fez, I'm starting to feel like I need some space, but I want you to know, it's not you, it's me.

Okay. Well, I guess tonight I'll be doing number 12,377 of the other thing.

That's sort of gross.

Hey, it may be gross, but that's the way I learned how to count.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Six Million Dollar Man.

That's, like, a $20 jumpsuit and a $4 haircut.

Mmm. Where did all the money go?

I think we've seen this episode. Yeah.

And we were sitting in these exact same seats when we saw it.

Actually, you were sitting over there.

I remember, 'cause I could see up your skirt.

You guys, we do the exact same thing every day.

TV, snack, nap. It's...

You know what? This isn't a basement, this is a nursing home.

Oh, I know something new we could do.

Jackie, Donna, get naked.

The rest of you guys back off and give us some room.

Hello, friends of Fez.

Hi. Where's Nina?

Oh, she don't wanna hang out with me tonight.

She said she needed some space.



That's the same sound you guys made when I told you I was gonna grow my bangs out.

Fez, when a girl says she needs space, it means that she's dumping you.

Oh, no, you don't understand.

She said it was her and not me.


That ain't good.

Oh, what's the big deal?

Oh, man, I can't tell him.

This is a job for someone who's cold, heartless and just inhuman.

Jackie, go for it.

Fez, when a girl says, "It's not you, it's me", what she really means is, it's you.

So, I have really been dumped.


Here's another tip. When a girl says she just wants to be friends, it means she wants you to do stuff for her, but she's not gonna put out.

So, you know, heads up on that one.

Yep. Women will screw you over every chance they get.

That and breastfeeding. It just comes natural to 'em.

So, Haji's girlfriend finally came to her senses.

What happened? She didn't wanna be a fifth wife?

Haji. All right.

Well, it's her loss. The girls in my Friday night cribbage game will be thrilled to have Fez back at the table.

You know what? At least Fez has a social life. Look at us.

We're hanging out with my parents.

Yeah, about that. Feel free to get the hell out.

Well, I mean, we can do better than this.

You guys, we're gonna graduate in two months, and there is a whole town out there just waiting for us.

We just have to, you know, grab the bull by the horns.

Okay, but I tell you this from experience.

If we're gonna mess with the bull, we'd better have an escape plan.

Well, what are the popular kids doing tonight?

Well, I'll bet they're not hanging around with their parents giving them snarky looks.

Well, I remember when the Brady kids got bored, and then that fat kid, Oliver, showed up.

It just all turned around. They got in a pie fight and everything.

You know what? Kelso might actually be on to something.

Maybe we should look for someone new to hang out with.

All right! We're getting a fat kid!

You know, instead of adding someone, maybe you should think about weeding out a few.

Like you, and you, and you.

I'm your son.

I can't play favorites.

You know, if you're looking for a new friend, how about Lance Crawford?

He's such a nice boy.

Mom, Lance Crawford and I hate each other.

You're just obsessed with getting his mother's peach cobbler recipe.

Well, what kind of a woman keeps a recipe a secret?

If that recipe were the polio vaccine, we'd all be in wheelchairs!

I don't like Lance Crawford.

He's always staring at me in this really creepy way.

And this one time, I saw him fiddling around in my locker.

When I opened it, there was a rose inside, and my gym socks were missing.

Donna, a little advice. You're not gonna want those socks back.

I can't think of anyone new I wanna hang out with.

All the girls I know are either too snobby or too slutty.

Yeah, I'm not good with the snobs, but slutty's my bread and butter.

You know what we need are people with stuff to offer, like Mark Herman.

He's got that dirt bike. I always liked him.

Sold it last week.

That punk. He's out.

Hey, Carrie Gerber has a trampoline.

Carrie Gerber also has a big hairy mole.

I don't wanna be bouncing around and get tangled up in that.

Eric? Eric.

Honey, there's someone here to see you.

Mom, if this another one of Dad's Marine Corps recruiters, I'm gonna run away, I swear.

Lance Crawford? Mom.

Hello, Eric. Your father and I were just discussing how unrealistically space travel is portrayed in Star Wars.

It was a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.

Look, you either buy it, or you don't!

What a lively conversation.

I'll get some sodas.

No, please, allow me.

Why don't you stay here and chat with Mr. Unrealistic Space Travel.

Yes, I'd love to explain the practical impossibility of the so-called lightsaber.

You son of a...

Red alert, you guys. Red alert!

Lance Crawford is in the building!

I'm getting the hell outta here!

Wait, wait.

What if he sees us sneaking out?

Oh, Donna, leave one of your socks behind.

What? It'll distract him.

Nina, I thought we were so happy together. What happened?

Fez, right now I'm at a point in my...

Oh, cut the crap, heartbreaker.

I want the truth!

Okay, the truth is you're too needy.

Too needy?

I'm sorry, but a man in his sexual prime has needs.

And you are lucky to have such a stallion at your disposal.

No, your needs are fine, it's your neediness that's the problem.

Then why didn't you say that?

I didn't want you to make a scene.

You didn't want me to make a scene?

You didn't want me to make a scene?


You dump Fez! I dump fries! There's your scene!

Here's a dollar. Sorry about the scene.

Oh, poor Fez. Too depressed to leave his room.

That's it. You guys, we gotta cheer him up.

Eric, knock first.

If Fez is alone, I'm guessing he's not wearing pants.

Oh, awesome! Wait. Let's catch him.


Check out all this great stuff.

Oh my God. Is that a race-car bed?

Oh, I call shotgun!


Oh! Fezzie, come on out.

I can't. I'm not wearing pants.

Told you!

Nina told me why she dumped me. She said I was too needy.

Am I too needy? Tell me! I need to know!

Fez, I'm sorry, man.

You're the definition of needy.

Remember, one time, you called me at 3:00 in the morning just to make sure we were still friends?

Look, if you wanna get Nina back, you gotta act like you don't care.

But I don't know how to do that.

Well, we can help you.

Oh! We'll rebuild you like the Six Million Dollar Man!

Fez One to Control. We have lift-off.

All systems are go.

Proceeding to eat candy.

Uh-oh. Emergency! Emergency! We are breaking up.

I repeat, Nina and I are breaking up.

Fez, a teenager, a boy with needs.

Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology.

We can make him more appealing to Nina, by making him less needy.

We can make him cooler, suaver, aloofer.

"Aloofer"? Is that even a word?

We can make it one. We have the technology.

Initiate female reaction sequence.

Release the girls.

Hey, Fez, looking good.

Love the outfit. Totally bionic.

You mean nothing to me.

Oh, no.

He's no longer needy.

And because of that, I want him even more.

Doctor. Doctor. Doctor.

Terrific job.

Doctor. Doctor. Doctor.

Whoa. Doctor. Whoa.

Oh, I see. In order to get Nina, I have to act like I don't need her.

Well, fine. I don't need Nina.

I don't need women.

I don't need anything!


Eric sure is taking an awfully long time with those sodas.

I'm sure it's no reflection on you, Lance.

He probably just wants to make sure a good friend like you gets the freshest soda available.

I know Eric doesn't like me, Mrs. Forman.

I only came over for the chance to see my beautiful Donna.

And after I make my fortune in robots, I'm gonna come back to this Podunk town, buy whatever flour mill Eric is working at, fire him, and make Donna my wife.

You're a creepy kid. You know that?

Mrs. Forman, I think we both know the real reason you invited me over here.

You're after Mother's coveted peach cobbler recipe, no?

Your mom makes peach cobbler? I had no idea.

Please, let's speak frankly.

I have something you want, and you have something I want.

We're not in a position to just give you Donna.

We could give you Eric.

Mother tasted your stuffing at the Thanksgiving Turkey Trot, and ever since then she's wanted the recipe.

I've been instructed to arrange a swap.

Don't you have any weird friends to play with?

Friends are for the weak.

Okay, you guys. Meet Julie.

She's got two horses, a brand-new Firebird, and her dad works for Six Flags!

Hello, Julie!

Hey, Hyde. Love your hair.

You can touch it if you want.

Oh, get lost, skankoid. We're all full.

Damn, Jackie! She's got a Firebird and two horses!

We could've raced 'em!

All right, that's it. I'm gonna go ask Jake Bradley.

I know, I know. We've all been thinking it, but no one's had the guts to ask him, 'cause he's the quarterback, and we're just a bunch of jellyheads.

But you know what I say? I say we shoot for the stars.

And that star is Jake Bradley! Jake Bradley!

All right, Fez. There's Nina. Now remember, you're a new man.

You don't need her, or anything else.

Got it. I am cooler, suaver, aloofer.

There you go.

Oh, hi, Fez.

Oh, you wish, baby.

Why don't you take your "Hi, Fez" act, and try it on someone else?

'Cause I don't need it.

Nice work, Fez.

Shut up. I don't need your accolades.

How can you give away your stuffing recipe, Kitty?

It's the one thing that we have that's better than everyone else's.

Our house? Crappier.

Our son? Crappier.

Our stuffing? Better!

Okay, Lance. Here you go.

Excellent. Mother will be most pleased.

Oh, you be sure to say hi. Such a nice lady.

Please, Mrs. Forman, there's no need to keep up the charade.

Fine. She's cold. Get out.

I just want you to know that I don't need these fries.

I choose to eat them because I desire their salty taste.

Please, just take the fries.

You need me to take them, don't you?

Needy bastard.

Hi, Fez. Can I talk to you?

Oh, you need permission, do you?

I think I was a little too hasty breaking up with you.


Yes. I like the new Fez.

What about the old Fez?

Not so much.

You know what, Nina?

There's only one Fez, and that is a Fez with needs.

And if you don't like that, then we shouldn't be together.

But, Fez, I... Shh!

Sorry, baby. It's over.

Oh, and, Nina, it's not me, it's you.

Ladies of The Hub, why do we try to act like we have no needs?

I have needs.

For instance, I need a date for Saturday night. Any takers?

You, blondie. You there, with the glasses.

What about the redhead trying to cover her face?

12,378, here I come.

Hey. So, I went to see Jake Bradley.

You mean Jake Bradley?

Yes. To see if he wanted to hang out.

And you know what Mr. Cool Guy was doing?

Just hanging out in his basement with his friends, and they were watching The Six Million Dollar Man.

It was eerie.

Was there a skinny guy dating this really hot chick who's way out of his league?

You know, there was.

Wait. Does this mean we're not getting a fat kid to play with?

No, man. We don't need anyone else.

You know what? We've only got two months until graduation, and we can't waste a second of that.

Forman's right. Let's seize the day, man.

Hey, weren't we supposed to seize something, man?

You know what the Six Million Dollar Man should have?

A bionic nose.

You could smell everything!

Guys, all I know, is that we should really appreciate this, 'cause I don't think we're gonna be able to do this in college.

This peach cobbler is amazing!

Now, who would leave a whole pan of peach cobbler just sitting on a counter?

See? We don't need anyone else.

We have lots of interesting things to say. Right?

Hey, there's this car that runs on water.

It runs on water, man!

Careful. I know it looks like a race car, but it's really a bed.

Please don't make a mess.

The maid doesn't come until Thursday.

Watch it! That is a present from my cousin in Hong Kong.

Who has been dropping Milk Duds on my carpet?

Who has been dropping Milk Duds on my carpet?

Screw this. I'm going to Eric's.