That '70s Show S5E22 Script

You Shook Me (2003)

Ah, the annual nurses' convention.

You know, according to my bathroom reading, all nurses are actually horny for high school boys.

Why do you think those hospital gowns have no backs?

So the nurses can check out your ass.

Look at this sexy stampede! It's like Wild Kingdom.

I will stalk their sexy herd like a lion.

I cannot run as fast, but let's see a lion put on this much cologne.

All of my colleagues gathered together to talk about health and medicine...

And to drink until their livers turn into cocktail onions.

Red, it is not that bad.

What about last year, when you and your buddies took the bellboy's pants?

Well, they were all wet.

Because you threw him in the pool!

Oh, hey, Roy.

Hi, guys. Oh, stay away from this batch of egg rolls.

They were on the floor.

Oh, you dropped them?

No, I was lying down.

You know, if I were God, this is what heaven would be like, pretty girls in white, and free egg rolls.

Fez, I thought you said heaven would be French maids with licorice hair and gumdrop nipples.

Oh, no, that's my 30th birthday.

Hi, there. So do you work here?

Yeah. I'm stuck here all night.

That's good, 'cause I'll probably be doing some things I'll regret later, if you're interested.

Thanks for the offer, but, uh, I have a girlfriend.

What a coincidence. I have a room.

You know, I don't have a girlfriend, but I have, uh, written several love letters to Barbara Walters, so, uh...

Roy, you're going after the wrong ones, man.

You gotta think like a lion and pick off the weakest member of the herd.

Look, like that one, with the braces and the desperate eyes.

Oh, she's not making it past sundown.

Aw, look at him, all tuckered out from a day of chasing nurses.

Yeah. It's like a gigantic, horny baby.

I bet he's having sweet dreams.

Welcome to the clinic for sexy foreigners.

Tell me where it hurts, baby.

Oh, I have a bad case of horniness for nurses.

What you need is a sexy sponge bath.

I like the way you operate.

How's that?

It's not bad.

But I sure am.

Yes, you are, naughty nurse.

Maybe you need a little spanking.

Maybe I do.

Now, why don't you turn your head and cough?

Oh, what's the problem, buddy?

What's the problem, buddy?

j& Hangin' out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

So, anyways, Eric, me and Joanne feel real bad since Red fired you.

So we decided to get you a job on account of we're pretty sure you're not gonna be successful on your own.

Isn't that great?

See, now you can save up for school, and we can get married.

Wow. I had heard crazy rumors that sometimes parents help children, but I just always thought it was some kind of beautiful fairy tale.

A position opened up at my company, and it's yours if you want it.

Oh, my God. I'll take it. This is great!

Yep. She's as generous in real life as she is in the sack.

Ugh!

Wow, that's wildly inappropriate.

So, Joanne, about my new job...

I don't even know where you work.

The dog food factory.

The...

The dog food factory.

I didn't see that comin'.

Hey. Hey.

How was your day?

Ugh, it was brutal.

How can nurses wolf down mini pizzas right after watching a film strip on butt rashes?

Yeah. No, I know.

Michael and I were hanging at the hub, and he told me it's been tough.

No, no, no. You don't need to be hanging out with Kelso alone.

Why not? Because I don't trust him.

Yeah, but don't you trust me?

No!

Haven't you been paying attention?

I don't trust anything.

I don't trust the government. I don't trust the newspapers.

I'm not even sure that what time we think it is right now is really what time it is.

But most of all, I don't trust you and Kelso alone together.

All right. You know what? I guess I deserve that.

So I promise I won't be alone with Michael anymore.

However, I do think you're making a big deal out of nothing.

That's what you said after you yelled, "Get off my boyfriend," when you saw Kelso kissing Annette.

Okay, what do I have to do to get you to stop bringing that up?

I'm not doing that.

Then I'm gonna keep bringing it up.

All right. Let's play some ball.

Why would you slap me on the butt?

Is there something about me that would make you think that I, a boy, would like you, another boy, to put his hand on my butt?

Uh... No?

Then keep your hands to yourself, butt-slapper.

Okay. Let's just play some ball. Yeah.

All right. Uh, me and Fez are shirts, you and Donna be skins?

Once again, Kelso, you're not gonna fool me into being skins.

Loosen up, Big D.

Fine. We'll be skins.

Oh, look at Mr. Handsome taking his shirt off.

As if that was something that I would dream about.

Okay, what is your problem, man?

It's just...

Okay.

Um...

Has anyone ever had a dream where you were with a girl?

Oh, hell, yeah, Miss October.

Hey!

And... And you know what I said to her? I said, "Get the hell out of my dream, Miss October. I'm Donna's man."

Now, has any of you ever had a dream where you were with the opposite of a girl?

Like, two girls? Sure.

See, I had a dream.

And it was erotic.

And it was about Kelso.

What? Wow!

Wow!

That is awesome!

Fez, you gotta tell us about this dream.

No, you don't gotta!

Look at him!

He's undressing me with his eyes right now!

You undressed yourself, you son of a bitch!

Fez, tell us what happened.

And... And don't be afraid to use colorful words like "sweaty," or "fondle," or "forbidden." Go ahead.

Well, Kelso was a nurse.

And there was sponging.

Oh!

But, hey, maybe... Maybe the dream continued, and we went to find some girls.

Well, did it continue? No.

What could this mean?

Well, isn't it obvious?

It means that I'm gay!

Why is the dog on the counter?

He likes to be tall.

Where are you off to, honey?

Oh, I'm off to a little thing I like to call, "my new job".

That's right. Despite both your best efforts to keep me and Donna from getting married, I can now afford to, because I got a new job at the dog food factory.

Dog food?

Well, you finally made it, son!

Hey, I'll have you know I am the Coupon Liaison.

Do you even know what you're getting yourself into?

When I pass that factory on my way home from fishing, I hold a dead fish up to my face so I don't have to smell it.

Seriously, honey, dog food?

That is the worst part of the cow.

You won't last the day.

I will last the day. And you know what?

Donna and I are getting married.

And, I'm sorry, but just because of your attitude, no one here will be getting the employee family discount on Pupper Supper.

Thank you very much.

Jackie! I need to talk to you.

No. No, no, you have to go.

I cannot hang out with you anymore, I promised.

Jackie, I need to talk to you.

Something happened that could tear apart the group.

I don't care, okay? You have to go right now.

Jackie, Fez had a sex dream about me.

You poor baby!

What if he's in love with me?

I don't know that I can return those feelings.

Well, of course you can't.

I mean, sure, he's super cool,

and he's good looking, and we have a ton in common.

But I can't... I know. I know, baby. I know.

I just wonder what I did to make this happen.

I mean, should I have tried to be less desirable?

Michael, the beautiful cannot be held responsible for the havoc our looks create.

That's true. Aw. Come here.

No one understands me like you do, Jackie.

I told Jackie I don't want her hanging out with Kelso.

I walk in, they're playing couch twister.

I don't know if something just happened, or if something was about to happen, but you know what?

I don't care anymore.

Have you talked to her?

No. Come on, man. I'm done talkin'.

I'm just glad I saw them.

Now I can be the bigger person and bail before she does.

Yeah. That's what I should've done with Lauren.

And Susan. And Janice.

Ah, who am I kidding? I'm just making these names up.

Hey, Roy. I just need to grab my check.

Hey, Kelso, what the hell were you doing with my girlfriend on Donna's couch?

Oh, that wasn't me.

I saw you!

Oh. Uh...

Uh, well...

Okay, look, it wasn't what you think.

Um...

It was totally different.

See, Fez had this sex dream about me,

and I was, like, a nurse in it, and I was totally freakin' out.

And Jackie was just comforting me...

I mean, 'cause, you know...

Fez had a sex dream about me.

So your story is that you were with Jackie because Fez had a boy-on-boy dream about you?

It's crazy, huh?

Kelso, that is the worst lie you've told since you claimed to be the prince of South Carolina.

No, I'm not lying about Fez's dream!

I was sponging him!

It's the truth!

Hey, I believe people have dreams about you, man.

I mean, put a blond wig on you, you're Goldie Hawn.

I know that.

Oh! Mr. Red, I need some advice.

I had an erotic dream about Kelso.

Well, Joanne, thank you for the factory tour.

So, um, where is the Coupon Liaison office?

You're standing in it.

Well, it's big.

And look, you have a window.

Maybe someday you can climb up there and look out.

Joanne, what exactly is the Coupon Liaison?

Oh. Oh, look, girls, here's the boys.

Hands off, though. They're minors.

Mrs. Kitty, we need your medical expertise.

Honey, if you've got VD, I'm not looking at it.

No!

Fez had a dream, and I was doing stuff to him in it.

And I don't want to do it again.

I'm scared to let him go to sleep!

See, Kelso was a nurse and I had no shirt, and he had a sponge...

A soft one.

Okay, boys, dreams are just compilations of what you experience during the day.

What did you do yesterday?

Um, Kelso and I looked at nurses.

Um...

Oh, and I ate 39 spicy egg rolls that were on the floor.

Well, spicy foods, there you go.

You know, one time, I ate stuffed peppers before I went to bed, and I dreamt that I ended a war by giving the Prime Minister a belly dance.

So my dream didn't mean anything.

Oh, thank God.

I mean, I love you, Fez, just not in that way.

And my appreciation for your beauty is purely aesthetic.

You know what, Fez?

Maybe right now is not a great time for you to be complimenting my ass.

Well, if it isn't the conquering hero, home from a big day of dog food.

Hey, I had a great day, okay?

And by the way, I'm nowhere near the actual food.

I'm off with, like, the executives.

Really?

Well, Schotzie sure does love the smell of executives.

Okay, look.

Okay, maybe Eric is working with dog food.

But he's not complaining and he's not quitting, and we're gonna get married no matter what you think, or how he smells.

Aw. Thanks, honey.

Don't touch me. Okay.

Look at you.

You got that great dog food job now.

Plenty of dog food money coming in...

I mean...

You two are happy, right?

Very happy. Yes.

Of course you are.

And that's why I've changed my mind.

This promising new career in dog food has convinced me

that you two are mature enough to get married.

What... Are you serious?

Hey, let's get you happy kids hitched as soon as possible, like next week!

Next week?

Wow, that's... That's really soon.

Yeah, well, sooner than we thought. We were thinking, like...

Someday.

Yeah. Yeah, someday. That's good. Yeah.

Well, what's the matter?

I mean, uh, getting engaged is a silly, fun thing to do, but now that we're talking about an actual wedding, you're turning into a couple of dumb-ass kids who aren't ready?

'Cause, I mean, if you're not ready, I mean, heck, I got myself all excited for nothing.

No, no. We're ready. We are more than ready.

We're ready?

Well, I am if you are.

Well, yeah.

I mean, sure. I'm completely ready.

Well, that's great.

You know, it's all settled. I'll just...

I'll go call the cake shop right now.

So it's, uh... A wedding.

Next week. Right.

Oh, I have some homework that I... Yeah, I gotta clean my room.

Hey, Roy, where's Steven? You know, I haven't seen him all day.

You got a lot of nerve showing your face around here.

Hyde saw you and Kelso snuggled up on the couch.

Tramp.

Wait, what?

Yeah, I said "tramp."

Oh, my God, I have to find Steven.

Don't tell him I called you a tramp.

I bet Jackie's been fooling around with Kelso this whole time.

I feel like an idiot.

Oh, my poor little broody-brood.

You know, when I first met you, you were such a cute little guy.

And now you're... You're a great, big guy with great, big hair and...

And great, big problems, my little broody-brood.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

There.

You may leave me now.

Hey, there.

Still have that girlfriend?

You know what? I don't know.

Hmm. Let's go talk about it.

Oh, hey, Mrs. Forman, have you seen Steven?

Oh, honey, I've had a couple sips of wine, and I don't remember.

Oh, but you know what you need?

You need more umbrellas in your hair.

Oh, bartender, we're gonna need more umbrellas.

Welcome to the clinic for sexy Kelsos.

What can I do for you?

Well, I'm here for my super sexy sponge bath.

But I have money, so if you do other stuff, too...

Oh, I'll do anything you want.

You're one good-looking stud!

Right back at you, handsome!