That '70s Show S5E23 Script

Nobody's Fault But Mine (2003)

Well, how are you this morning?

Well, my baby boy's still engaged.

My hot flashes are back, so I feel like I'm standing in a pool of burning lava.

They don't make a pill for menopause, so I took a Flintstone vitamin.

And when you take a pill shaped like Barney Rubble, it's pretty obvious the freaking thing ain't gonna work!

Great. Anyway, about the engagement I've got Eric and Donna on the ropes.

I dared them to get married next week.

They were shaking like France.

Well, I know you like scaring children, but what's the point?

Well, the point is if we let them do what they want they'll realize they don't wanna do it.

I mean, hell, nobody wants to be married.

Except me to you. I'd do that all over again.

Oh, is Steven here?

He saw me on the couch with Michael, but there was nothing going on.

God, what do I do if he doesn't believe me, Mr. Forman?

When in the hell did this start? I don't know.

The kids all used to run from me. That's the way I liked it.

Well, next fall, you'll get your wish.

Eric will be in college, and then the whole house will be empty.

That's right.

We're only one goodbye away from heaven.

Mommy, Daddy, I'm home!

We gotta start locking that door.

No way!

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Donna. Hey. Hi.

Okay. If you had bad news that could hurt someone that you cared about, what would you do?

Kelso, just leave the poor girl an anonymous note and tell her she needs a shot of penicillin.

Donna. Okay.

Someone I know cheated on someone else I know.

Did Eric cheat on me?

I will snap that little monkey like a twig!

What? No! Donna.

God, Eric didn't cheat on you.

Hyde cheated on Jackie. What? Oh, my God!


And he doesn't know it, but I saw him kissing this lady in the hotel.

Oh, my God. That is horrible.

I wanna do the right thing, right?

So I'm thinking that I'll just tell Jackie.

And then she'll feel really bad and I'll console her and presto!

We'll be making out topless.

No, Kelso.

The thing to do is to tell Hyde that you know and then give him a chance to tell Jackie.

I knew you'd say that. You know, just once I want the right thing and the topless thing to be the same thing.

Well, if it isn't the lovebirds.

So, lovebirds, how are the big wedding plans coming along?

Well, I've decided to be the groom

and, uh, Donna's gonna go with bride.

Well, your mom and I have made some plans, too.

We figure since we're already giving you a graduation party, why not make it a wedding party, too?

Wait, graduation?

That's in a week, which is like...

Seven days. I know how long a week is.

I know you know.

Well, what's the matter?

You two lovebirds still wanna get married, don't you?

I mean, heck, it'd be a real shame if you chickened out.

Then you'd be a couple of love chickens.

No. No, we wanna get married.

Right, Donna?

Of course.

I do.

Well, then it's settled. We're having a wedding.

Oh, Donna, you can wear my wedding dress.

It's off-white, so nobody will whisper.

Okay. What is going on with them anyway?

Eric, if you need any help dealing with Mom and Dad, I'm here for you.

Yeah. No, thanks.

Last time I trusted you, I wound up in the dryer with a pillowcase full of bees, so...

I know, and I am so sorry.

I have been cruel to you, Eric.

You too, Donna, but it wasn't as obvious because I mostly said stuff behind your back.

Right back at you.

I'm not just home for a visit.

I am here to correct the mistakes that I have made in the past.

Okay, but I'm sure whatever bastard children you've had have been adopted by now.

Thank you. Good luck to you.

Hey, Fez. I'm here to get my license.

Oh, hello, Mitch.

I'm here to tell you that you will get nothing!

Okay, I know we had our problems in wood shop, but for the hundredth time, I'm sorry I sat on your spice rack.

You're sorry? You should see my kitchen.

There's spices everywhere. It's anarchy.

Dude, you're getting hysterical like a woman.

Well, if you mean that I am artistic and sensitive and cry every time that I watch Love Story, then, yes, I am like a woman.

Now begone!

You know, I could make it worth your while if you would just give me the license.

I'm the editor of the school paper. Can you imagine this headline?

"Foreign Kid Actually Cool."

'Course, I'd have to retract it the next day, because... Well, come on.

Here's a headline for you, "Short Kid Takes Long Walk."

Well, hello, Hyde.

I saw something very interesting in the hotel this morning.

Oh, the guy in the dress?

That's Frank. Comes in twice a month.

Gets really pissed if you don't call him Lady Laguna.


I saw you kissing a girl that wasn't Jackie.

Oh, that.

Ah, so you admit it.

Sure. Don't try to deny it.

I won't.

You're not gonna wiggle your way outta this one!

I'm not trying to.

Look, I cheated on Jackie 'cause she cheated on me with you.

Which reminds me, I ought to kick your ass.

Well, Hyde, we weren't doing anything. I already told you.

Jackie was comforting me, 'cause I was upset, 'cause Fez had a sex dream about me.

Would you shut up about that lame-ass story?

Well, it's the truth, and I'll prove it. Let's go ask Fez.

Fine. You drive. My van's in the shop.

Fine. I need gas though.

Fine. Can I borrow money for fries?

No. Fine. Shotgun.

There's only two of us, you moron.


You know what I think, Donna?

I think this whole "get married in a week" stuff is just Red trying to get us to call the whole thing off.

Yeah. But you know what?

That ain't happening, missy. You know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna teach Red a lesson and get married out of spite.

Yeah, screw you, Red!


It's every little girl's dream to get married out of spite.

You know what?

I think maybe you're not ready to get married.

And if you're not, you better tell me right now.

Donna, I'm not ready. Oh, thank God. Me neither.


I thought you were ready. I thought you were.

I'm not. Me neither.

Oh, my God, you are so hot. You are!

Wow, nothing hits the spot after an hour and a half of passion like chili cheese fries.

Oh, hello, Mitch.

Had a nice walk over here?

Get used to it because you'll never get a license.

Do you understand me?

No, but nobody understands you.

You talk like Mushmouth from Fat Albert.

You just dug your own grave, fella.

What? "I flug my own rave, bella"?

Was that what you said, Mushmouth?

All right, Fez. I need you to tell Hyde about the dream you had about me.


I didn't have any dream.

We have a visitor.

Fez, this is really important, okay?

So start talking, or so help me, I'll give you the worst purple nurple you've ever had.

Okay. In my dream, Kelso was dressed as a nurse,

and he was giving me a sponge bath.


I was nude.

See? I was really freaked out and Jackie and me were just talking, that's all.

So I just cheated on Jackie for nothing?

It's what I've been telling you, man.

Oh, Steven, look, okay?

Whatever you think happened between me and Michael, did not happen, okay?

So, everything's fine.

Actually, we need to talk.

You know, I really hate to run, but I gotta go tell the whole school about you and Nurse Ding-a-ling's sponge bath.

So, I gotta go. You wouldn't.

Move your lips, Mushmouth!

So, I was in the den, and Michael came over all upset.

Jackie. And, Steven, I asked him to leave.

And that's when you saw us. Jackie.

But I swear, nothing happened. Jackie!

Stop talking.

Look, I know all this now, okay?

But before I knew, I was at the hotel last night.

And I was really mad.

There was this nurse.

And... And what?

And I'm really sorry, okay?

I promise it'll never happen again.

You know, that's exactly what Michael used to say.

Come on, Jackie.

No. You know what, Steven? I'm sorry.

It's over.


I finally get country music.

Donna, look, it's my old wedding dress.

Oh, and you can wear it

as a bib.

Hey, and for the reception, I got the guys back together from my high school band, the Pinciotti Polka Explosion.

Won't be long now until you two lovebirds are married forever.

No escape.

Until one of you is dead.

So, you guys, I've been trying to think of ways to help you.

Okay. Where's Laurie?

Yeah, what happened to you?

You guys, living in Chicago opened my eyes.

I had no job, no friends.

I did sleep with one of the White Sox, but then it turned out to be just this frat guy wearing a White Sox hat.

Basically, I hit rock bottom.

Really. God, I was so sure you'd be a senator.

Eric, love is hard to find.

And I've realized I've been taking the people who love me for granted.

Especially you.

Oh, that's not true.

I don't love you.

Yes, you do.

And if you two love each other, but Red is making you miserable then there's only one answer.

Get out. Leave town.

Because love is precious.

Well, it sounds good but I can't help but remember the feeling of being stung by bees as I tumbled around and around.

Wait. Is that a tear?

Oh, my God, Eric. I think she's being sincere.

Oh, my God, it's real.

I have a sister.

Hey, look who I found.

At first I just thought he was a leprechaun.

Fez, I came over here because I wanna end this feud, okay?

Right here, right now.

And if you're not on board, I could spread your crazy naked, homoerotic dream all over school, but...

Macho as I am who would believe you?

Okay, Fez.

Uh, can I just say as the nurse that was sponging you in your dream that I'm with Mitch here on the whole

"not spreading it around the school" thing.

See, your lady friend here understands.



I guess.

Truce. Good. Here. Peace offering. Moron!

Oh, this is tomorrow's school paper.

Oh, my God, on the front page there's a picture of me kissing Kelso by the lake.

Fez, why are you kissing Kelso by the lake?

We caught a fish!

I was excited!

I kissed the fish too, but, of course, they don't show you that.

Jackie. Jackie. It's Hyde.

No. Yes.

No. Yes.


Can I say something?

I think this whole thing was a misunderstanding.

Hyde didn't know what was going on.

I know, okay? But after Michael I promised myself that I would never be with another boy who cheated on me.

But Hyde's so good for you. Since you started dating him you've completely stopped quoting Nancy Drew.

And the worst part is I still love him.

I know.

You know, normally, I wouldn't cry on your sweater because, you know, it ruins the fabric.

But, God, this one's just so cheap, it won't matter.

What? Nothing.

Just, you know, Jackie's single now.

Yeah, so?

So, when you were going out with her, I backed off.

You backed off?

You constantly hit on her.

You bought her presents all the time. You shot me with a BB gun.

Yeah, that's me backing off.

Look, Hyde, I know you thought I only wanted her because you had her.

See, the thing is now you don't have her and I still want her.

So, as your friend, I'm just letting you know that I'm going after her.

And also, I'll be making out with her in front of you.

Just to rub it in.

So be ready for that.


Yep, that's what I'm counting on.

While I'm out there getting Jackie back, you're gonna sit around here saying, "Whatever."

Are you listening to country music, man?


Look, Mom, Dad, Donna and I have something we wanna say.

Um, it turns out we're not ready to get married.


And I was really rooting for you two crazy kids.

Look, we know you've been pressuring us into marriage, so we'd admit you were right and live on your terms.

But that's just not gonna happen.

So, we've decided to move away as soon as we graduate.

Move away?

No, no, no, you can't move away yet.

No, we were gonna use this summer to become best friends.

Look, we'll be going to college in the fall anyway.

Instead of fighting with you guys for the next three months, we're just gonna get our own place in Madison.

Yeah, good luck trying to control us in Madison.

Hey, Donna, remember we agreed not to do that. Remember? Okay.

Anyway, we're gonna have our own apartment.

And, honestly, I just think we'll all be a lot happier.

Madison has two movie theaters.

Okay, Donna, come on.

Oh, great plan, Red.

Now my baby's leaving.

I'm still here, Mommy.

Yeah, well, that's nice.


The thing is I'm really sorry.

Yeah, you said that already.

Come on, Jackie. I made a mistake, okay?

It was a stupid one-time thing.

You know what, Steven? I have heard it all before.

From you, from Michael.

God, just do me a favor and leave me alone.



I love you.

Yeah, well, I don't love you.

Here's your car license, motorcycle license, boat license, license to operate a forklift, a cut-the-line pass and a free DMV pen.

If you turn it over, the little car parallel parks.

Oh. And here's the negatives of you and Kelso grabbing each other's asses.

Hey, we were happy because we caught a fish.

If they do it in football, why can't we do it in fishing?

"Blue bit bushball in bishing"? What?

Where you from, man?