That '70s Show S5E3 Script

What Is and What Should Never Be (2002)

Whatever. Whatever.

Yeah, like I care. All right. I'll talk to you later, Jackie.

Ew! Do you mind not getting all gooey and romantic when I'm about to eat my breakfast?

What crawled up your butt?

You and Jackie.

When you started making out in there.

Hey! No more butt-talk at breakfast.

Look, if you're not gonna break up with Jackie, then you have to tell Kelso, okay?

It's, like, the ethical thing to do.

Thank you, Johnny Cub Scout.

What are you gonna do, take away my friendship merit badge?

No, because Cub Scouts are awarded achievement beads.

Badges.

So, anybody hungry? Yeah.

Starved! Yeah, that sounds good.

Ladies first.

Or ladies only.

Oh, well, um... Well, it's not all for me.

I'm eating for two now. What?

I'm pregnant.

Oh, God. No!

I mean, great!

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing

j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Kitty, are you sure you're pregnant?

Maybe you're just putting on your winter weight.

Red, a woman knows.

Not to mention I'm late, and not for work.

For my menstrual cycle. Hooray!

That is great news, Mrs. Forman.

Now, stay away from those smokes.

If you smoke when you're pregnant, they come out all spindly.

Shut up.

Mom, congratulations. This is awesome.

Please, love me the most.

Well, you're sure being quiet over there, Red.

I'm soaking in the moment.

Okay, I know this is unexpected, but I just think it's gonna bring us so much happiness, don't you?

Sure.

You know how much I love babies.

Oh, what a day. I am so happy!

I'm just gonna go throw up.

I just don't understand how this could have happened.

Hmm. Maybe it's about time we had the talk.

You see, when a boy loves a girl...

Doesn't have to love her. That's true.

Anywho, the boy's sexual organ... Hey!

Shut it, dumbass.

That kid's gonna love it here.

I can't believe they're having a baby.

I can't believe they're still having sex.

I mean, my Dad's back goes out if you look at him wrong.

That's why she was probably on top. Thanks.

Thanks, Hyde. You just killed a part of me.

Yeah, that's why you gotta put on your raincoat every damn time.

Well, except for the first time. Free pass!

Oh, Kelso, that's just a myth.

You're only safe if you do it underwater. Right, Hyde?

That's right, buddy.

Oops. Oh, a little help, Donna. Sure.

Catch this, tool!

What was that for? You keep dropping the ball.

Well, so I'm a butterfingers. Isn't that punishment enough?

Now look. The ball's all the way over there in the backyard.

Little help, Donna.

God! Fine, I'll get it! God!

Hey, Steven. I had fun last night.

You had fun doing what? Huh? Hey, Michael.

Um, I went to the movies. Right, Donna?

Oh, um, I don't know. I was with Eric all night.

But I'm really interested in this movie.

Why don't you tell us all about it?

Donna?

Fine.

You know, it's that new movie, starring that big, red whore.

Oh, you mean, the one where the big, red whore is sick of people keeping secrets.

No. No, no. The one where the big, red whore keeps sticking her big, red nose in places where it doesn't belong.

Hey, watch what you say about the big, red whore.

Thank you, Eric. What did Sissy Spacek ever do to any of you?

Way to go, guys. You know how he feels about Sissy!

Fez, wait!

Donna, what is with you?

Look, I'm sick of covering for your creepy, unnatural relationship.

And I shouldn't have to.

I mean, Hyde, you and Kelso have been friends forever, and you owe it to him to tell him.

Yeah, this is way worse than when you stole his headgear and used it to clean out your sink.

It was tough love, man.

You know what? Forget it.

You obviously don't care about Kelso or any of the rest of us.

Yeah, 'cause when this blows up, guess what? We're all screwed.

Steven, do you really think we're a creepy, unnatural couple?

Come on. That's a crazy question.

I mean, if this relationship wasn't just a little bit creepy and unnatural, I wouldn't be in it.

Oh, Eric, look.

Your little, pink baby sweater.

Oh, oh, and the matching pink bonnet.

Um...

Had they explained to you yet that I was a boy?

Oh, I am just so excited about this baby. Well, yeah. You should be.

And Dad should be, too. What's with him anyway?

Oh, no. That's just his way. He'll be fine.

When I first told him about you, he said, "Oh, crap!" and stormed out.

But then he came back happy as a clam.

And then, of course, when you got older, he got mad again on account of you not being so very good at sports.

Don't worry about your father. He'll come around. He always does.

My banky-boo!

Hey, Forman.

So, I've decided I'm gonna tell Kelso about me and Jackie.

Well, well. I'm glad you finally decided to listen to your conscience.

It's not my conscience, man, 'cause I don't have a conscience.

You know that. It's just 'cause, you know, I figured me and Jackie might be together a little while, so...

But, man, she's the devil.

What can I do? She's hot.

No, you only think she's hot because she's made of hellfire.

All right. What if you were stranded on a desert island with her?

Murder-suicide.

Okay.

Picture Jackie in a little bikini made out of coconuts.

Where is our signal fire?

And don't give me any, "Oh, boo-hoo, my hands are bleeding."

Suck it up.

Aw, damn, I got a splinter.

You couldn't grab the tweezers as the ship was going down?

Moron.

Well, that was unpleasant.

Okay, try it again, but this time do what I do.

Good God, she is hot.

Hey, guys. What you talking about?

Indy 500.

Nice. All right.

Hey, can one of you guys give me a ride to the DMV tomorrow?

I lost my license in California.

Sure, Hyde'll take you. What?

Yeah, it'll give you two a chance to catch up.

He can tell you how he spent his summer break.

Yeah. All right.

So what happened to your license, man? Oh, a shark ate it.

Really?

How?

Fine, I lost it. You happy now?

Oh, here you are.

How are you feeling? Better? I bet you're feeling better.

I'm fine.

Is that liquor on your breath?

What is the matter with you, Red?

Well, you know...

I mean...

It's just...

I'm not selling the Corvette!

What? Kids are expensive.

That's gonna be the first thing to go.

I waited 25 years to have that car because we had kids.

And believe me, I love them.

But this is supposed to be our time.

Kitty, people our age don't have kids, they have grandkids.

Well, we're having a kid, so deal with it.

Well, I'm having a Corvette, so deal with that!

Ooh, a staring contest. I got winner.

Okay, Mr. Red, it looks like it's just you and me.

Still the king.

...and here I am ecstatic, and Red comes home babbling about his precious Corvette.

Well, I'll tell you something.

I may be the one who's pregnant, but I did not get that way by myself.

He's the one who wouldn't go to sleep.

You know, Mrs. Forman, there are other ways of dealing with that.

I mean, have you tried telling him you just like him as a friend?

You're carrying Red's baby. He should be kissing your ass. God!

Why are men such jerks? Huh? Tell me.

I just came in here for the ice cream, so I'm just gonna make mine and go.

Men plant their seed and think their work is done, but women have a being growing inside of us the size of a wine jug.

It's gotta come out somehow.

Oh, oh, oh. It's like that nature show, you know, where the snake eats an antelope in one bite, and you're thinking, "Impossible."

And then it unhinges its jaw, and in it goes.

Well, giving birth is just like that, only the other direction.

And I need your father there, holding my hand and telling me it's okay, because I can't swallow an antelope alone.

No, you can't, and no woman should have to.

That bastard.

Ah, we've been here for, like, an hour, we've only moved, like, two feet.

You think the lines at the DMV are long?

You should see the free clinic.

Now, there's a wait.

Man, you've been to the free clinic?

No.

Oh, but I did see your mom there. Burn!

That's gonna leave a mark. Just like your mom did!

Come on. Move it! Damn!

Gentlemen, I'm sorry you had to see my dark side.

Please excuse me. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. Ta-ta.

Look, man, I gotta talk to you about some things that happened while you were gone this summer.

Hyde, if this is about free ice cream, naked volleyball, or a dog wearing a hat and sunglasses, I'd rather not even know.

No, it's about Jackie.

What about Jackie?

She was with someone, I knew it. Damn it!

Well, you know, you guys are broken up, so who cares, right?

We're not... I don't care. It's just...

I mean, she was a big part of my life, and I just hate the thought of her being off with some random guy.

Well, what if I told you it was with a friend? Would that make it better?

No. That would make it worse, stupid.

Oh, you're messing with me.

Okay, 'cause I... A friend would never do that.

Oh, man, Hyde, you got me again. Just like I got your mom!

What is with the hitting?

Guys?

I love this place. I want to work here.

You just said you hated it.

Yeah, but I went up to the counter, and the guy treated me like crap, but he was treating everybody like crap. Poor, rich, black, white, we're all crap.

And look at him. Think he was popular in high school?

No way. But now he's the belle of the ball.

Well, my friends, it's my turn to get a taste of those balls.

Hey. I was just inside with Mom, and she's really upset, so...

I just wanna know, what's your problem?

You made me bald.

What? Five generations, not one baldhead in my family.

Then you came along, and... Well, look at it!

Children make me bald.

You know what? Wear a hat.

'Cause Mom is really scared, and she could really use a little damn support right now.

And I don't usually tell you what to do, 'cause you usually do the right thing, but this time you didn't.

You know how you're always telling me to be a man? Well, be a man!

I made you bald. You made me skinny!

Oh, hey. How'd it go at the DMV? Did you tell Kelso?

Nah, I blew it off.

What? Why?

I don't know. It's just really hot in there.

Really? 'Cause I think you chickened out.

No, I didn't chicken out, man.

I just didn't wanna drop the news in front of all those people, you know?

I mean, haven't I done enough to the guy?

So, you felt bad?

Oh, my God, you felt bad!

No, I don't feel bad. I don't feel anything.

I don't know. I think someone's been to Oz and gotten himself a heart.

Shut up, Forman. Yeah, Eric.

Maybe we should lay off. He's had a rough day.

I really wanna lay off, but it's just so hot in here.

Get bent!

He felt bad.

I think we really got through to him. Yeah.

He's not gonna tell Kelso. No.

Oh. So, you're hiding out here.

Got a call from some man about a Corvette.

What, you gonna buy another one, so you can ride 'em around like a couple of water skis?

I'm selling the Corvette. What?

Look, could we finish this later?

I'm kind of in the middle of something.

Is that Eric's old cradle?

Yeah, well, the paint was all chipped off, and I kind of remember that they liked sleeping in this thing,

when they weren't peeing and pooping all over the place.

Oh, Red. That is so sweet.

Yeah, well, it might be fun.

Hell, this time we might even get an athlete.

Oh!

Hey. Hey.

So, did you tell Michael yet?

Oh, yeah, well, I was gonna, but, you know, the timing just didn't seem right.

Oh, I understand.

I mean, it's kind of like... It's kind of like setting your hair.

If you don't wait long enough, then it's totally flat and like Donna's, but if you wait just the right amount of time, then it's perfect, like mine.

Steven, are you even listening to me? God help me, I am.

Steven.

So, that's what an adulteress is.

I always thought that it was a tiny adult.

Hey, uh...

Hey, buddy, what do you say we take this party back in the living room, huh?

Um, yeah, that's a good idea.

No, but I want a peanut butter and banana...

Why is Hyde kissing Jackie?

What the hell?

He's dead.

They have a lot of questions in the DMV application.

Let's see. "Sex"?

Please.

Lots.

"Address"?

If I must, but I prefer pants.

"State"?

Nervous but excited.

"Mother's maiden name"?

Streisand, but she won't acknowledge me.