That '70s Show S5E4 Script

Heartbreaker (2002)

HEH HEH HEH!

WHY IS HYDE KISSING JACKIE?

WHAT THE HELL?

HE'S DEAD!

Donna: KELSO!

OPEN, DAMN IT!

NO, THEY'RE GETTING AWAY!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS THING?

WELL, THIS IS AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGMENT, BUT...

THANK YOU.

NOW, HYDE'S REALLY DEAD.

OW!

THAT'S INVISIBLE!

j& HANGIN' OUT j& j& DOWN THE STREET j& j& THE SAME OLD THING j& j& WE DID LAST WEEK j& j& NOT A THING TO DO j& j& BUT TALK TO YOU j& j& WE'RE ALL ALL RIGHT j& j& WE'RE ALL ALL RIGHT j&

HELLO, WISCONSIN!

DONNA, WE HAVE TO STABILIZE HIM.

WE'RE GONNA NEED PUDDING AND LOTS OF IT.

WHO CHOOSES A CHICK OVER A FRIEND?

WHAT? KELSO, COME ON.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU MADE ME WALK HOME IN A BLIZZARD BECAUSE YOU WANTED 10 EXTRA MINUTES TO MAKE OUT WITH PAM MACY?

NO, BUT I DIDN'T STEAL PAM MACY FROM YOU, AND YOU COULD'VE PLAYED IN THE SNOW UNTIL WE WERE DONE.

KELSO, TRY TO LOOK AT THE FACTS.

JACKIE WANTED TO GET MARRIED, SO YOU BAILED, SO SHE FOUND SOMEONE ELSE, SO NOW SHE DOESN'T WANT TO MARRY YOU.

THIS SOLVES YOUR PROBLEM.

ALBEIT WITH AN UNPLEASANT TWIST ENDING.

NO, I DON'T CARE. I'M KICKING HYDE'S ASS.

WHOA, KELSO, KELSO, COME ON.

YOU COULDN'T OPEN MY KITCHEN DOOR.

I MEAN...

SERIOUSLY. THINK ABOUT HOW THIS PLAN USUALLY TURNS OUT.

AAH!

UNH!

THAT'S MY EYE!

HEH HEH HEH! NICE.

UH-OH.

OW! MY EYE!

BASTARD!

NO, STOP!

IT'S MY BUTT PRINT.

LOOK AT IT! NO TWO ARE THE SAME... OW!

MY EYE!

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I MEAN, HE BROKE THE CODE. HE'S WRONG.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE RIGHT.

HE'S LIKE MY OLDEST FRIEND, AND HE STABBED ME IN THE BACK.

SO, KELSO, HOW MANY THINGS AROUND HERE HAVE YOU PUT YOUR BUTT ON?

LET'S START WITH WHAT I HAVEN'T PUT MY BUTT ON.

OH, JUST A MOMENT.

RED, IT'S SOMEBODY ABOUT BUYING THE CORVETTE.

UGH!

WELL, MARLIN, WE'VE JUST SEEN THE MALE OF THE HERD GRUNT HIS DISPLEASURE.

BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

THE GRUNTING INDICATES AGGRESSION, JIM.

AHH!

IDIOTS.

I AM ABOUT TO SELL SOMETHING SPECIAL TO ME BECAUSE WE'RE HAVING ANOTHER BABY, AND TO DO THAT, I HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT THIS CHILD WON'T TURN OUT A SMART ASS.

HELLO.

YES.

DON'T CALL HERE AGAIN.

WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?

OH, THE GUY SOUNDED LIKE HE WAS EATING.

I DON'T WANT SOME FAT BASTARD EATING IN MY CAR.

ANYWAY, I'M GOING TO THE DOCTOR'S THIS AFTERNOON BECAUSE I'M PREGNANT!

OH, OH, AND YOU'RE PICKING YOUR GRANDPARENTS UP FROM THE AIRPORT.

I'M GOING TO TELL THEM THAT I'M PREGNANT!

THEY GET IN FROM PHOENIX AT 5:00.

YOU KNOW, I WAS HOPING WHEN THEY MOVED TO ARIZONA THEY'D GET LOSE IN THE DESERT.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH MRS. FORMAN'S PARENTS?

NOTHING. THEY'RE JUST... THEY'RE... VERY COMPLICATED PEOPLE WHO CAN'T BE SUMMED UP IN A COUPLE OF WORDS.

GRANDMA YELLS. GRANDPA DRINKS.

THAT PRETTY MUCH SUMMED IT UP.

NOW, THAT IS NOT TRUE. MY FATHER IS A WONDERFUL MAN WHO JUST GETS A LITTLE SLEEPY.

AND MY MOTHER, WELL...

FINE, IS A LITTLE REMOTE.

WHICH, I HAVE LEARNED THROUGH MANY HELPFUL BOOKS, MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HER TO SAY, "I LOVE YOU."

EVEN IF IT'S THE ONLY THING IN THE WORLD A SAD LITTLE GIRL NEEDS TO HEAR.

AND WHICH IS WHY I SAY IT TO YOU EVERY DAY.

ERIC, I LOVE YOU.

HEH HEH HEH!

AND YOU, TOO, STEVEN.

I LOVE YOU!

OH, YEAH, NO, THAT'S OK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO...

NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT... OK, I LOVE YOU, TOO!

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU KNEW THAT JACKIE AND HYDE WERE TOGETHER AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME.

WE... BARELY KNEW.

YEAH, WE KNEW, BUT WE WERE IN DENIAL BECAUSE IT'S SO UNNATURAL.

LIKE RADIOACTIVE SPIDERS.

WELL, THAT'S TRUE.

IT'S JUST, HOW COULD HYDE DO THIS TO ME?

UH-OH, SOUNDS LIKE HE KNOWS.

FINALLY!

WHAT, YOUR MOM KNEW?!

AND FEZ?!

FEZ NEVER KNOWS ANYTHING!

I KNOW. I'M REALLY COMING INTO MY OWN.

WHATEVER.

YOU KNOW, NONE OF THIS IS AS BAD AS HYDE NOT TELLING ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?

I'M GONNA MAKE HIM TELL ME.

HOW ARE YOU GONNA DO THAT?

BY OUTWITTING HIM CONVERSATIONALLY.

WHAT A FINE GAME OF CAT AND MOUSE IT WILL BE.

I'M GONNA GO FIND AN EYE PATCH.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA SAY?

OH, IT'LL COME TO ME IN THE MOMENT.

DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD PLAN IT OUT A LITTLE?

DOES AN ASTRONAUT PLAN OUT HIS MISSIONS?

WHAT HAPPENS IN CAT AND MOUSE IF THE CAT IS RETARDED?

OH, YOU JUST WAIT AND SEE.

WHAT'S UP?

THAT'S AN INTERESTING QUESTION, HYDE.

WHAT IS UP?

WELL, I GUESS YOU KNOW ABOUT ME AND JACKIE.

AHA!

SO THE BATTLE OF WITS HAS BEGUN!

WHAT BATTLE OF WITS? I ADMIT IT.

I'M MESSING AROUND WITH JACKIE.

I HATE YOU!

OW! MY EYE!

THANKS AGAIN FOR THE DREAM CATCHERS.

A BLIND INDIAN WITH 3 FINGERS MADE THOSE.

IT WAS QUITE A THING TO WATCH.

WOW. I WONDER IF HIM BEING BLIND HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE LOSING THE FINGERS.

ACTUALLY, I THINK THEY WERE TAKEN AS PART OF A PRIMITIVE MANHOOD RITUAL.

SO, ERIC, I KIND OF LIKE YOUR GRANDPARENTS.

WHAT WERE YOU SO WORRIED ABOUT?

WAIT FOR IT.

BURT, SWEETIE, I THINK THAT CAR'S TRYING TO PASS.

WHY DON'T YOU MOVE OVER?

OH, HE'S FINE.

HONEY, I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD MOVE OVER.

SWEETIE, HE CAN GO AROUND.

MOVE!

I'M MOVING.

AND WHEN HE SAW YOU GUYS KISSING, HE JUST FELL APART. I MEAN, IT WAS AWFUL.

AND THEN HE RAN INTO THE SCREEN DOOR.

OHH. HE'S JUST SO BAD AT DOORS.

LOOK...

IF YOU DON'T WORK THINGS OUT WITH KELSO, EVERYBODY'S GONNA CHOOSE SIDES, AND NOBODY'S GONNA BE FRIENDS ANYMORE.

WELL, THAT'S NOT MY FAULT.

LOOK, HE DESERTED ME. HE BROKE MY HEART.

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.

YOU'RE DATING HIS BEST FRIEND!

YOU'VE GOTTA TALK TO HIM.

YOU OWE HIM AN EXPLANATION.

UGH! THAT'S JUST SO NOT THE WAY I WANTED TO SPEND THE DAY.

WELL, I DIDN'T WANT TO SPEND THE DAY WIPING TEARS AND PUDDING OFF OF KELSO'S CHEEK.

BURT, HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER AND SIT WITH US?

I'M FINE HERE.

WE'D REALLY LIKE IT IF YOU WOULD SIT AND JOIN THE PARTY.

I'M PART OF THE PARTY RIGHT HERE.

SIT!

SO, BURT, YOU'RE LOOKING FIT.

DRY HEAT AND CENTRAL AIR, THAT'S THE KEY.

UH-HUH.

I'VE EVEN GOT AN AIR-CONDITIONED GARAGE.

WE COULD GO FROM THE HOUSE TO THE CAR WITHOUT EVER FEELING THE HEAT.

WOW.

THEY LITERALLY NEVER HAVE TO BREATHE FRESH AIR, WOW.

WHO NEEDS IT?

YEP.

WELL, THOSE ARE SOME REAL NICE SANDALS, BURT.

HARDLY EVER SEE THOSE ON MEN.

ALSO MADE BY THE HANDICAPPED INDIAN.

WHAT SPIRIT.

OH, UM, EVERYBODY'S HERE.

HELLO, MOM, DADDY.

KITTY, TELL EVERYONE YOUR WONDERFUL NEWS. QUICK.

UM, I'D REALLY RATHER NOT RIGHT NOW, RED.

BUT THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.

YEAH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MOM, TELL THEM.

NO, I SAID NOT RIGHT NOW.

KITTY, THEY CAME ALL THIS WAY.

YEAH, COME ON.

FINE. YOU WANT TO HEAR THE BIG NEWS?

THE DOCTOR TOLD ME I STARTED MENOPAUSE.

KITTY, LANGUAGE!

YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT?

NO, NO, JUST BARREN. TALK ABOUT THAT.

MOM, I'M REALLY SORRY.

I KNEW YOU WANTED A BABY, BUT I'M NOT REALLY SURE WHAT TO SAY, MAINLY BECAUSE...

I'M NOT REALLY SURE WHAT MENOPAUSE IS.

ARE YOU GONNA, LIKE, LOSE YOUR HAIR?

SHUT UP.

SHE'S NOT LOSING ANYTHING.

THIS JUST MEANS...

FROM TIME TO TIME...

A WOMAN'S BODY...

AHEM!

KITTY, EXPLAIN IT TO THE BOY.

I'M JUST GETTING SOME JUICE.

HEY, MOM. MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO GRANDMA ABOUT THIS.

WELL, THAT'S AN IDEA.

I MEAN, WE'RE JUST IGNORAMUSES.

OK, OK, SCOOT.

IS IT... IS IT LIKE A LADY PARTS THING?

WE'LL LOOK IT UP IN THE WORLD BOOK.

OH, THOSE COOKIES LOOK GOOD.

WELL, THANKS.

SORRY I MADE A SCENE.

OH, YOU WERE JUST TIRED.

NO, I WASN'T JUST TIRED.

MOM, I'M HAVING A REALLY HARD TIME HERE.

DID IT HIT YOU THIS HARD, TOO?

DID WHAT, DEAR?

MENOPAUSE.

OH!

I NEVER HAD IT.

MOM, EVERYBODY HAS IT.

WELL, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN QUITE HEALTH-CONSCIOUS.

I TOLD YOU TO EAT MORE VEGETABLES.

YOU CANNOT EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT YOU NEVER WENT THROUGH MENOPAUSE.

WELL, I DIDN'T. YES, YOU DID!

WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER, BECAUSE IT'S NOT NICE TO TALK ABOUT.

WELL, NOT EVERYTHING THAT NEEDS TO BE TALKED ABOUT HAS TO BE NICE.

MOM, WHY DON'T YOU EVER REALLY TALK TO ME?

I TOLD YOU I LIKED YOUR COOKIES.

I'M GONNA FIND YOUR FATHER.

BURT!

IS SHE GONE?

YOU KNOW, THAT WOMAN IS CRAZY.

YOUR MOTHER JUST DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE.

IF SHE YELLS AT YOU, SHE REALLY MEANS THAT SHE'S SORRY YOU'RE UPSET.

AND IF SHE BREAKS ALL YOUR GOLF CLUBS, SHE MEANS "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY."

OH, DADDY, I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, PUMPKIN. AND SO DOES YOUR MOTHER.

BURT!

YOU NEVER SAW ME.

TRY TO GET MY EYE NOW!

AAH!

HYDE, GET OFF!

NOT UNTIL YOU CALM DOWN.

AHH! A WET ONE!

FEZ, I'M GONNA GET FREE EVENTUALLY, AND THEN I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS.

KELSO, LOOK, MAN, WE NEED TO SETTLE THIS.

NO, I DON'T WANT TO SETTLE THIS.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

ALL I WANT TO DO IS POUND YOU SO YOU CAN FEEL AS BAD AS I DO.

FINE. FAIR ENOUGH.

GO AHEAD AND HIT ME. A FREE SHOT.

YOU GONNA HIT ME BACK?

NO, MAN. THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT A FREE SHOT.

OH. OK.

GET READY.

HERE IT COMES.

IT'S COMING.

GET READY.

WE'RE READY! DO IT, FOOL!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

FORGET IT.

IT'S NOT GONNA CHANGE ANYTHING.

I JUST...

FORGET IT.

LOOK, KELSO...

I DIDN'T PLAN FOR THIS, BUT...

LOOK, I'M SORRY, OK?

I'M... I'M REALLY SORRY.

Both: AWW!

WOULD YOU GET BENT?

SO, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU GUYS ARE GONNA DO.

YOU TWO ARE GONNA SHAKE HANDS, AND YOU'RE GONNA BE DONE WITH IT.

NUH-UH.

COME ON. GIVE IT A TRY.

SHAKE HANDS.

I DON'T WANNA.

SHAKE!

HEY.

WELL, WELL. LOOK WHO IT IS.

UGH. LOOK, MICHAEL, I'M GLAD I FOUND YOU.

HOW'S YOUR EYE?

WHAT DO YOU CARE?

OK, LOOK, MICHAEL, I KNOW WE SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU SOONER, BUT NOT I'M GONNA SAY I'M SORRY, BECAUSE I WANTED YOU, AND YOU LEFT AND BROKE MY HEART.

AND I LIKE STEVEN NOW, SO YOU NEED TO GET OVER IT SO WE CAN ALL BECOME FRIENDS AGAIN.

APOLOGY ACCEPTED.

HERE, LET ME HELP YOU.

OW!

MY EYE.

YEAH.

HEY.

HOW YOU DOING?

OH, GREAT.

IT'S SO NICE TO NO LONGER BE A WOMAN.

KITTY, THAT'S NOT TRUE.

YOU KNOW I'VE BEEN... I'VE BEEN TRYING TO THINK WHAT I COULD DO TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER, AND I FINALLY CAME UP WITH SOMETHING.

I SENT YOUR PARENTS HOME EARLY.

THAT KIND OF HELPS.

I JUST... I REALLY WANTED TO BE PREGNANT.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE REAL KICKER IS?

THIS MORNING, WHEN WE THOUGHT YOU WERE STILL PREGNANT...

I SOLD MY CORVETTE.

HA HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA HA!

HA HA! OH-HO-HO!

OH-HO-HO!

OHH!

"MEMORIAL DAY, MENINGITIS..."

OK, HERE WE GO. "MENOPAUSE."

GOOD GOD. I DIDN'T THINK THEY'D HAVE PICTURES.

WELL...

AT LEAST THEY USE THE WORD "UTERUS" A LOT.

I COULD'VE GONE A WHOLE LIFETIME WITHOUT KNOWING THEY HAD A MUCOUS MEMBRANE.

YOU KNOW, YOU JUST...

YOU CAN'T UNLEARN SOMETHING LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW?

OH, NO, LOOK AT THE SYMPTOMS.

"TEMPERAMENTAL BEHAVIOR, MOOD SWINGS, FACIAL HAIR."

UH-OH, DAD...

I THINK YOU HAVE MENOPAUSE.

HEY, ERIC, CAN YOU HAND ME A COOKIE?

UM, I CAN'T REACH WHILE I'M DRIVING.

COME ON, PLEASE? JUST ONE COOKIE.

JUST WAIT TILL I STOP.

COOKIE!

YOU KNOW, DONNA, YOU CATCH MORE FLIES WITH SUGAR.

RIGHT, BURT?