That '70s Show S5E5 Script

Ramble On (2002)

You know, Eric, I'm really happy with our relationship right now.

Yeah, me, too. It's like we're way past "the broken up and miserable" stage and we're back in the "having sex again" stage, so...

Yeah. Thumbs up from this end, too. Yeah.

I'm serious. I mean, we've been through a lot and even though some of it wasn't exactly fun...

I mean, it was worth it, because now we know that we can handle anything.

And we don't freak out about the little stuff.

Right.

Like that time we got in that big fight because I ran over your cat.

That wasn't little stuff. I really loved that cat.

Yeah. No. Yeah. No, I know. I mean, the cat was little.

Anyway, when you came to California, I knew you were the one.

So I got you a gift to symbolize how far we've come.

Is it, like, one of those gifts that women get for men, but they actually wear themselves?

Here.

It's a ring.

Yeah.

And I'm a man.

Yeah. It's a man-ring.

A man-ring.

Yeah!

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Morning.

What the hell's that thing on your finger?

This is my new man-ring.

Donna got it for me, so I'll feel right at home when the gypsies come to town.

Well, take it off.

You look like some kind of fruity magician.

Well, I think it's sweet.

I can enjoy these things now because I am not gonna let menopause get me down.

Mmm-mmm. No depression, night sweats, or sudden mood swings for me.

Well, I guess that's starting today, huh?

'Cause last night you hit the trifecta there.

Well, I just refuse to be sad about the fact that I'm never gonna have another baby.

I don't need another baby.

I got a lot to look forward to.

Like picking out my casket.

Oh, Kitty. I...

It's okay.

You've still got Eric.

He's sort of a baby.

I'll make him cry if you want.

Man, that is one big-ass ring!

Hey, maybe people will think you won the Super Bowl.

Nah. Nobody'd believe that.

But he could be the sick little kid the whole team rallies around.

Well, guys, wish me luck.

Today I have a job interview at the Department of Motor Vehicles.

All right. Good luck, man.

Oh, Eric.

What a glorious man-ring.

See, I told you to accessorize and you finally listened, huh?

Man, you like it? Yeah. What's not to like?

It's hypnotic. It looks like he has superpowers.

I'd like to see the lame-o superhero that had to wear that ring.

Okay, super pals, I need a danger alert status report.

My sensors indicate peace and quiet throughout the universe.

I think the oceans are secure, but I cannot check for another 45 minutes because I just ate.

Hi, guys. No.

You've been brainwashed and forced to wear this hideously ugly ring!

Actually, it's a gift. From me.

Form of, the worst gift ever.

Shape of... Hope you kept the receipt.

Oh, no! Alien zombies are attacking the Earth.

Let's swing into action, gang. Hang on a second!

We're still on this ring.

Are you sure it's not an evil alien artifact?

I got it at the mall.

Greetings, super dumb asses.

Oh, no! It's Dr. Bald.

Any minute now, my army of alien zombies will be inva...

Good Lord! That is an ugly ring!

Hey, alien zombies, get a load of that ring!

All right. That's it. This thing's coming off. Oh, whoa! Be careful, man.

You drop something that big and heavy, it'll throw off the Earth's rotation.

We'll all go crashing into the sun.

Way to use science in a burn.

Donna, guess who hates the ring you got him?

Eric hates the ring?

He told me he loved it. Well, see...

Eric told Steven that the ring was so ugly that the Elephant Man wears it to distract people from his face.

That ring is beautiful.

You know, what's ugly is his bony little finger.

Hey, you know what? If he can't appreciate it, let's just take it back and buy me something pretty.

According to your application, your last job was as Dancer Number 3 in the school production of My Fair Lady.

Yes. It was magical.

I Could Have Danced All Night.

Uh-huh. I'm afraid your theater experience doesn't really apply to working here at the DMV.

But, Nina, what is the DMV really, if not one big stage?

The DMV is the Department of Motor Vehicles. It is not a stage.

Ah, but in a way, they're very similar.

No, they're not. Oh, but really they are.

No, they're not. Okay.

They are. No, they're not!

I'm just gonna put down no prior experience.

Fair enough.

Ah, but you haven't asked me about my special skills yet.

Well, I really don't see how a fondness for pie is relevant.

But, Nina, what is the DMV really, if not one big pie shop?

Great. Clicker's on the fritz.

All I want to do is see the end of Guiding Light, and it won't click.

Click, damn it! Click!

Kitty?

I think your lady problem is acting up again.

It just won't click, that's all.

It's supposed to click, Red. It's a clicker. That's what it does.

Okay. Let's get you to bed.

Okay, you guys, very important.

Donna's coming over, and I lost the ring she gave me.

I thought I had it in the basement... Eric, please!

Your mother is having a breakdown.

No. The only thing having a breakdown around here is the clicker!

Why won't it click, Red? Nothing loves me!

Okay, Eric. Jackie just told me that Hyde told her that you hate the ring.

Uh-oh.

I happen to think it's beautiful.

Besides, that is what a man-ring looks like.

Well, you know, Donna, maybe I'm just not a man-ring kind of guy.

I mean, I like man-pants and man-shirts.

Eric, you could've just told me you didn't like it when I gave it to you.

You know what? Just give it back.

I absolutely will just as soon as I find it.

What?

How could you lose it?

I told you it was a symbol of our loving freaking relationship!

And my losing it is a symbol of how much I love and respect you?

I need cold compresses and a Bloody Mary. Quick!

Your mother is talking about adopting a communist orphan.

Now move. I need help, damn it!

I don't understand. How could I lose a 25-pound ring?

I once lost a six-foot-long rubber chilidog.

And I still haven't found it. It's just gone!

You know what, Hyde? This whole thing's your fault.

You're the one who told Jackie I didn't like the ring.

Hyde stabbed you in the back?

No. He wouldn't do anything like that.

Like he didn't steal Jackie from me. Oh, wait a minute!

Look, man, I told her not to tell.

Yeah. And I told you not to tell.

You and Jackie are gossiping now?

You know, the more you two go out, the more like each other you get.

Yeah. Who knows what you and your little girlfriend are gonna be like in a couple months.

Two, four, six, eight.

Who do we appreciate? Go team!

Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Number one! Yeah!

Jackie? I heard the best piece of gossip.

Eric Forman doesn't have any school spirit.

I'm telling everyone! Too late. I already did.

First of all, Jackie is not my girlfriend.

And second of all, I'm not the only one who spills stuff around here.

Yeah. You're right.

Hey, Kelso. Hyde watches Little House on the Prairie.

Little House on the Prairie?

It reminds me of a simpler time.

How could Eric lose that ring?

And more importantly, how could he think it was ugly?

It's got real nugget-gold plating and the abalone is inlaid.

If you were my girlfriend, I would be proud to wear that ring.

Heck, I'd wear it if you just wanted to fool around a little.

Get my drift, Big D?

All I know is, you guys better watch what you say around here.

Some people can't be trusted because they have a great, big mouth, Jackie!

How could you say that?

My mouth is in perfect proportion to the rest of my face.

Plenty of classy men wear rings.

Wayne Newton. The Pope. My Uncle Carmine from Hoboken.

You lose his ring, you wake up in a dumpster.

And that's just a warning!

Now I think that's all the questions I have about your application.

Okay, but one thing my application doesn't say is how much I would apply myself to the job here.

I'm gonna have to ask you to stop making puns now.

I really don't think this is going to work out, so...

Wow! That is a gorgeous man-ring.

You know, wearing a ring this big shows a lot of confidence.

Well, I do feel like a king when I wear it.

And, you know, what is the DMV really, if not one big kingdom?

You know what?

You're stubborn, under qualified, and you barely speak English.

Welcome to the DMV.

Wait a minute. You're mad at me for telling Donna a secret?

Steven, I tell secrets. It's who I am.

Look, all I'm saying is, if you're gonna be my girlfriend, you can't go running around, shooting off your big, fat, cheerleader mouth.

You just called me your girlfriend.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. No, I didn't.

Yes, you did, and shut up. You're ruining it!

Okay, now listen to me.

I'll keep my mouth shut if you admit that I'm your girlfriend.

No, the price is too high.

Okay, fine. You know what? I'm telling everybody everything anyways.

Starting with the fact that you called me your girlfriend.

You're blackmailing me?

You're coming along nicely.

Good news. I got the job.

What the hell is that on your finger?

Oh, it's chocolate and coconut.

I can't believe you took my ring.

Oh...

Yes. I took it.

I took it, and I'm proud.

You don't deserve something this beautiful.

You have a girlfriend. You have a ring. I have nothing!

Well, you have a job.

Well, that's true. Good for me.

You guys, look at this thing. God, what was Donna thinking?

Forman, you gotta expect this. I mean, look at her dad.

The apple doesn't fall far from the Bob.

Now, this ring's a wolf attacking a zebra.

This one's a zebra attacking a wolf.

And in this one, they're finally friends.

Hey, there. Hi, there. Ho, there. Let's go.

I'm not going to the game with you in that jacket, Bob.

I'm not going to the game, Bob.

My God, she never had a chance.

Hyde, my girlfriend has bad taste.

Well, she is dating you.

Ah, a good burn, Fez.

And that ring is only the beginning, man. I can see it now.

Eric, you look so foxy.

Hey, there. Hi, there. Ho, there.

Ta-da!

Look what I found. And I didn't even lose it. Fez took it.

So, basically, you got mad at me for being a victim of robbery.

Okay.

Apologetic look accepted.

Eric, I got mad at you for not being honest, and that hasn't changed.

Really? I thought it might have.

I gave you the ring as a symbol of how far we've come in our relationship.

And if you can't be honest, then you shouldn't be wearing that ring at all.

Okay. You want me to be honest?

Okay. I kind of think that you have bad taste.

What? I do not!

Okay. Well, then, tell me what you think of this room.

This turquoise-and-chrome disaster of a room.

I think it's classy and sophisticated.

You know, maybe you're the one who has bad taste. In fact...

Why don't you tell me about this pea-soup-colored chair?

I think it's comfortable and soothing, just like pea soup.

Well, I think this whole room is a great example of bad taste.

Excuse me? Mrs. Forman.

I have spent years picking every item in this room so that I would be surrounded by the things I love and the people I thought loved me.

Hey, Kitty, how about a nap?

And you. Have you fixed the damn clicker yet?

What good is a clicker if it won't click?

Oh, my goodness. I am flying right off the handle.

Seems to me you're just as pleasant as always.

Ooh, that is sweet. Oh.

I think I'd like to take a nap now.

Did you see that?

I told you the truth, and we got into a fight.

My dad told my mom she's pleasant, a whopper of a lie, and they've been married 150 years.

I don't care. I want you to tell me the truth all the time.

No. No, you don't.

It's like when women ask whether or not their outfit makes them look fat.

How many men tell them they look fat? Zero.

How many women look fat? Not zero.

That is totally different.

No, Donna. No, it isn't.

Look, how could I look you in the eye and tell you that I don't like the ring when I love you so much?

I guess I know what you mean.

It's like when you wrote me that song.

Wait. You love that song.

Of course I do.

You know what? We are really bad with rings.

Yeah. If we ever get married, we should just exchange, like, buckets of chicken.

Or I could write you another song.

Oh. I'm fine with chicken. Okay.

Does this outfit make my butt look fat?

No. You look super.

So Wonder Boy and I are thinking about moving in together.

My parents are gonna freak!

You think your parents are gonna freak?

Yeah, we're twins.

You know, it really hurts my feelings that you call me Dr. Bald.

Just because I'm evil doesn't mean I don't cry.

Super jerks!