That '70s Show S5E6 Script

Over the Hills and Far Away (2002)

Okay. So, is everyone ready for our big trip to the University of Wisconsin?

Yeah, Donna and I have it all mapped out.

She is going to buy a tight sweater with a big red "W" on it, and I am going to watch her wear it.

And then we're gonna buckle down.

Oh, Steven, I put out some clean clothes for you to take on the trip.

Thanks, Mrs. Forman, but I'm not really the college type.

I get my learning on the street. Steven, you're a smart kid.

If you would only just apply yourself, you could go to college, too.

You don't trust me alone in the house, do you?

See how smart you are?

Well, I just can't believe my baby is all grown up and visiting college.

I am so freaking old!

And menopause makes another unwelcome appearance at the dinner table.

No, no, it's not unwelcome, it's liberating.

It's... Now my emotions just spill out.

Yeah, Mom, you're sweating all over your pork chop.

Hey! There's my favorite co-ed.

Hey, you all packed for Visitors Weekend?

I can't go. My dad's making me visit Marquette instead.

He thinks it's a better school 'cause it's private.

Oh, and 'cause it sounds French.

Well, you know what?

We'll just go with you. I mean, if it's a better school, then I belong there, too. Right, Dad?

No.

State schools are cheap. That's where you belong.

Well, what if, like, you took out a second mortgage on the house?

Not for you, dumb ass.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

I have a bad feeling about this weekend, Eric.

Nothing good can come from us visiting different schools.

Well, yeah, but there's an upside.

Two days apart? I mean, when we get together, it's gonna be electric, baby.

Like a thunderstorm.

Eric, I'm serious.

I mean, what if we actually end up going to different colleges?

And we're apart for four years?

Well, then, come semester break, you better board up your windows, 'cause guess what? Here comes Hurricane Eric.

Board up my windows? What are my windows?

And whatever they are, wouldn't you want them open?

Mmm.

Look, Donna, all I'm saying is that I think we can get through anything.

I mean, we go to different schools now, and we're fine, because our love is strong, like a big, burly bear.

So zip up your tent, 'cause guess what?

This bear has claws.

Again, wouldn't you want my tent open? Mmm.

Hold it, you two. Now, before we hit the road, we need to have a talk about that horrible thing that's taken over your mother.

You mean, her "change of life"?

I thought we were calling it "the lady-parts problem."

It goes by many names.

Now, we're dealing with a tricky enemy here.

I haven't been this frosty since Korea.

And just like a commie, it can jump out and attack you at any moment.

Red, honey! Incoming!

Retreat!

Red, you know, I've been a tad bit moody lately.

So if you don't want me to go on this trip, I'll understand.

Well, you know, honey, there's really no need for you to go.

I knew you didn't want me to go!

Well, I am going, whether you like it or not.

Why is it so damn hot in here?

It's like... It's like we're living in hell!

You can say that again.

So, Steven, when I go to Marquette with Donna this weekend, there'll be lots of cute boys around.

Lucky you.

Well, unlucky them, because I won't let them kiss me.

Yeah, that's my promise to you.

Now, I'm not saying you have to promise me anything, but if you want to, now would be a good time.

Okay, well, just know that I won't be kissing anyone.

Good to know.

"Good to know"? What, that's it?

Did I stutter?

Ah, thanks for the help.

You seem to have a natural talent for handling luggage.

Red, honey. You know, I'm sorry about our little spat.

The last thing I wanna do is ruin our trip. Oh, sweetheart, that's okay.

Wow, Mom's certainly cheered up. Don't be fooled.

She's a ticking time bomb.

Hey! Wait up!

What do you want?

The explanation is pinned to my lapel.

"Dear Red, Mr. Kelso and I are unable to take Michael to UW.

"Here's $30 so he can go with you."

Where's the 30 bucks?

Oh, I bought this electronical football game.

I swear to God, Kelso, you make Eric look like Einstein.

Thank you, Daddy.

"Thank you"? Einstein was ugly.

Oh! It's like a sauna in here.

Wish you didn't all have to breathe so much.

All right, guys, you heard the lady.

No more breathing.

No, I didn't tell you not to breathe, I asked you not to breathe as much.

There's a difference!

To crazy people.

Hey, Ali Baba, close sesame.

Oh, Red, you just missed the exit. Oh, damn it!

Eric, you're supposed to be following the map.

What the hell are you doing back there?

Making you a crown, 'cause you're king of the road!

I need to use the bathroom. Hey, can you turn up the radio?

First and goal! How much further?

Touchdown!

Would you all just shut up!

This is stupid.

I mean, why am I looking at a school I don't even wanna go to?

I should've gone to UW with Eric.

And I should've laughed at his thunderstorm jokes.

You know, I bet those sluts at UW will laugh at them.

Sluts!

What, UW has sluts?

Steven loves sluts.

He's not gonna do anything, he's with you now.

Well, I don't know if he is or not.

I mean, look, last week, he called me his girlfriend.

And then this week, I couldn't even trick him into promising me he wouldn't fool around with someone else.

And I was very passive-aggressive.

I believe that.

Donna, I promised to be faithful, and all he said was, "Good to know."

"Good to know," Donna!

Oh, you know what? I am too depressed to go to orientation with you.

Steven crushed my spirit, and now there's only one place I can turn to.

Please, God, don't let it be me.

No. The cheerleading demonstration.

I mean, at first, when they yell, "We've got spirit, how about you?"

Well, of course, I'll have to say, "No!"

But show me a human pyramid and a really sharp pom-pom waterfall, and I'll get it back.

What the hell kind of college is this?

Barefoot hippies playing Frisbee, barefoot hippies singing songs to trees.

Man, this place is awesome!

Look, they even have dirty cartoons on the wall.

Kelso, those are CPR instructions.

Wow, I've done CPR a lot.

Hi, I'm Ted, resident adviser.

Hi. Why don't you folks have a look around, and I'll show the boys where they're gonna be staying?

I don't know about this place. I'll say.

It's the middle of November, I don't see any Thanksgiving decorations.

Visitors Weekend is great.

We always have a big dorm party, tons of beer, tons of chicks.

Hey, I just need one six-pack and two chicks, and I'm good.

Man, this place is great! It's too bad Donna couldn't make it.

Oh, my God, would you look at that?

We just saw college butt!

On a girl!

Hold it. Girls live here, too? Yes, sir. We're co-ed.

All right! Oh, yes!

That's it! You're staying with us at the motel.

Wait! Dad, wait.

Think of what a valuable experience this could be for me.

I mean, this is my first step into the real world.

I'm your little bird, Dad.

Give me wings to fly.

Butch it up and get in the car.

Excuse me. This is your CPR coach.

I'm gonna need to check your lung capacities.

That means their boobs.

There's got to be at least one all-male dormitory on this campus.

Ha! Here it is.

Right in between the chapel and the School of Interior Design.

Boys, I realize that I may have been a little irrational today.

"A little"? Shut up!

So, maybe now is a good time for me to explain a few things to you about menopause.

And, lucky for you, I'm a nurse, so I can use the proper terms, like

"epithelial lining" and "uterine wall."

I'm hooked.

Okay, so. Now.

Say these soaps are my ovaries.

Kill me now.

Can't hear you, man, I'm on a beach in Florida.

Okay, about a month ago they stopped producing...

They stopped...

Stopped producing...

That's it!

What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?

Yes, I was!

And up until now, everyone had the good grace not to mention it.

Okay, boys, time to leave. Yes!

Mrs. Forman, I'm sorry, I washed my face with your ovaries.

Get out.

So that's a great beard.

I've never made out with a guy with a beard.

Well, this could be your lucky day.

You wanna go to my room? Absolutely.

You know what? I can't.

Okay, but if you change your mind, a few of us girls will be in the shower.

I can go!

My name is Fez!

Don't pretend you don't see me!

Man, what the hell did I just do?

I just turned down a sure thing because of Jackie.

And you don't know what she's doing at Marquette.

Or who.

Man, she said she wouldn't do anything.

Yeah, but I bet if she did, you'd cry because you love her.

If you don't shut up, you're gonna be the first person to touch his chin to his ass.

Have you been spying on me?

I see UW has a pretty good CPR programme.

It's gonna be my major.

So, I told my girlfriend we can go to separate schools.

I mean, people do that all the time, right? Yeah.

I mean, my boyfriend goes to school in New York, and we've been together for three years, and we're in love now more than ever. Of course you are.

And I bet when you two get together, it's like a thunderstorm, right?

Hey, pretty lady.

Hey, excuse me. Hello?

Didn't you just say you had a boyfriend? Yeah, but he's not here.

Did you just see that? I told Donna we could go to different schools, and I was extremely wrong, and...

Man, if she doesn't hate Marquette, we're screwed.

Who cares, man? I just turned down a half-drunk college girl.

And I'm pretty sure she knew how to do stuff.

Eric? Is everything okay?

Yeah, everything's fine. I just wanted to see how you liked Marquette.

And, can I just say, if that snooty switchboard operator's attitude is any indication of the Marquette experience, then I can only assume we're crossing Marquette off the list right now.

No, actually, it's great. Okay, they have this English professor, he wears a beret and a corduroy jacket, but he listens to Zeppelin!

Yeah, well, UW has a vending machine, so...

Donna, I love you. I love you, too. Bye.

You gonna cry now, too?

You know who had a real family? The Waltons.

We're just three strangers sitting in a room!

Donna loves it there. I don't know what to do.

There's nothing any of us can do. We're all screwed.

You think I like being stuck here nursing my lunatic wife back from the brink?

Hell, no.

But we can't control what happens to us.

Even if, by some stroke of luck, you actually hang on to Donna, eventually, she's gonna turn into that.

And then, a few years later, you'll die.

Okay. Well, thanks for the bedtime story.

Donna, I hate it here, and I wanna go home.

Wait, what's wrong?

Was there a height requirement for the cheerleading team?

No, it was awful.

And when the cheerleaders were yelling, "Go, team, go," all I was hearing was Steven saying, "Good to know. Good to know!"

Jackie, your problem is, is you're always trying to force people into doing stuff.

Oh! I do not, Donna. Now, you feel sorry for me right now.

You can't make someone like Hyde do anything.

You have to deal with him the way he deals with you.

Look, pretend you don't care what he does, and he'll come around.

Well, I guess it's worth a try.

You know, being with a real man is complicated.

You are so lucky you're with Eric.

What?

What a wonderful weekend! We should go away more often!

They gotta make a pill for this.

Oh, Hyde, I've been meaning to tell you.

Hyde and Jackie, sitting in a tree.

They're in love like two monkeys.

Would you shut up, Fez? That's not even how it goes.

Well, is it making you mad? Yes.

Well, then, that's how it goes.

Hey. Hi.

Look, Jackie, I know you were worried before, so I just wanna let you know nothing happened on my end this weekend.

I'm not telling you that so you'll tell me what you did.

I just wanna let you know what happened with me.

That's my report to you.

All right, good to know.

"Good to know"?

Did I stutter?

Hi. Okay.

I know you love Marquette, and you know what? I made my peace with that.

So, if that means that we're gonna go to separate schools and drift apart, and make out with guys named Ted, then...

That's just the way it's gonna have to be, because you're gonna get menopause, and I'm gonna die, and we can't control anything that happens to us!

I'm not going to Marquette. Well, then never mind.

I mean, Eric, I loved it, and when I was driving home, I was so excited to tell you about it, and then the drive took forever.

And I realized, that's how far away I'd be from you all the time.

And I don't want that.

So, I'll just tell my dad I wanna go to UW with you.

Donna, you have no idea how happy you just made me.

Eric, this is gonna be great!

We're gonna be together all the time.

Oh...

You're not gonna get all clingy, right?

Shut up.

No, come on. I'm gonna be a big college man.

Uh-huh. I'm gonna need my space.

What do you want?

Once again, the explanation is pinned to my lapel.

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Forman, please give Michael $30

"for the game you threw out the window and broke.

"Signed, my parents."

Well, you made her laugh. That's worth 30 bucks.