That '70s Show S5E7 Script

Hot Dog (2002)

j&j&

WHAT ARE THOSE?

OH, DONNA, DID YOU BUY "PLAYBOY" FOR ME?

NO, THEY'RE COLLEGE BROCHURES.

DONNA, THESE PEOPLE ARE FULLY DRESSED.

THAT'S JUST NOT GONNA WORK FOR ME.

MY GUIDANCE COUNSELOR GAVE THEM TO ME, BUT I ALREADY TOLD HIM I'M GOING WHEREVER YOU GO.

HOW DID I EVER GET A GIRL AS GREAT AS YOU?

YOU KNOW YOU COULD DO BETTER THAN ME, RIGHT?

BUT YOU'RE RIGHT NEXT DOOR. IT'S SO EASY.

RIGHT.

OH, YOU TWO MAKE ME SICK.

LOOKS MY MOM, BUT SPEAKS LIKE MY DAD.

I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

THAT WASN'T ME TALKING. THAT WAS THE MENOPAUSE.

NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE.

WE TOTALLY GET WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.

WELL, THANK THE LORD! FERTILE MYRTLE TOTALLY GETS IT!

I MISS THE BASEMENT.

KITTY, I KNOW THESE PAST FEW WEEKS HAVE BEEN HARD ON YOU, HARD ON ALL OF US, REALLY.

BUT ESPECIALLY HARD ON YOU.

I MEAN, SINCE YOU FOUND OUT YOU WERE...

JUST SAY IT, RED. BARREN.

WELL, THERE'S NO NEED FOR BOTH OF US TO SAY IT.

SO I GOT SOMETHING TO CHEER MY GIRL UP.

WELL, GOOD, 'CAUSE I FINISHED OFF THE LAST BOTTLE THIS MORNING.

NO, NO.

I GOT YOU...

A PUPPY.

HE NEEDS SOMEONE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM.

HIS MOTHER GOT RUN OVER BY A CAR.

DID YOU RUN OVER A DOG, RED?

NO!

I JUST HATE TO SEE YOU SAD, AND I THOUGHT...

OH, FORGET IT.

I'LL TAKE HIM BACK AND GO TO THE LIQUOR STORE.

WELL, NOW WAIT, WAIT.

HE'S KINDA CUTE. CAN I HOLD HIM?

OH, HO, HO!

WHAT A LITTLE LOVER BOY!

OOH!

SEE? HE LIKES YOU.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

HE'S GOT MENOPAUSE, TOO.

j& HANGIN' OUT j& j& DOWN THE STREET j& j& THE SAME OLD THING j& j& THAT YOU DID LAST WEEK j& j& NOT A THING TO DO j& j& BUT TALK TO YOU j& j& WE'RE ALL ALL RIGHT j& j& WE'RE ALL ALL RIGHT j&

HELLO, WISCONSIN!

I'LL SEE YOU LATER. I'M GONNA GO GET OUT OF THIS THING.

BOO! SELFISH!

MAN, WHAT IS WITH YOU GUYS AND THIS UNIFORM?

IT MAKES US WANT TO CORRUPT YOU.

MAN, DONNA IS SO AWESOME.

SHE CAN AFFORD TO GO TO ANY SCHOOL SHE WANTS, BUT SHE WANTS TO GO WHERE I GO JUST SO WE CAN BE TOGETHER.

YEAH, SHE IS AWESOME. WHY'S SHE WITH YOU AGAIN?

'CAUSE A GOOD GIRLFRIEND ACCEPTS HER GUY NO MATTER WHAT!

AND JACKIE WAS ALWAYS TRYING TO CHANGE ME.

"GROW UP, MICHAEL. ACT YOUR AGE, MICHAEL.

"STOP SHOOTING GRANDMOTHER WITH THE WATER PISTOL, MICHAEL."

SHE'S 92, MICHAEL.

SHE HAD JAM ON HER FACE!

WELL, ALL I KNOW IS THINGS WITH ME AND DONNA ARE GOING REALLY, REALLY WELL.

THIS IS JUST ABOUT THE POINT WHERE I SCREW THINGS UP.

SO DON'T SCREW IT UP.

FEZ... OH, FEZ.

IF HISTORY HAS TAUGHT US ANYTHING, IT'S THAT SCREWING UP IS MY NATURE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN DO IS BANK A LITTLE GOODWILL, DO SOMETHING NICE.

BUY HER A PRESENT.

YEP, SHE DESERVES IT, TOO.

YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I TRIED TO GRAB HER BOOB ON THE WAY TO CALIFORNIA?

AND IT WOULD HAVE EASIER FOR HER IF SHE WOULDA LET ME.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW ME. I WON'T STOP.

I GOTTA GET DONNA SOMETHING REALLY SPECIAL, SOMETHING THAT REMINDS HER THAT EVEN THOUGH I'M AN IDIOT, I'M AN IDIOT WHO LOVES HER.

I GOT IT! A SCENTED CANDLE!

CHICKS CAN'T KEEP THEIR SHIRT ON AROUND A SCENTED CANDLE.

PLEASE, THE BATTLEFIELD OF LOVE IS LITTERED WITH GUYS WHO GIVE CANDLES.

IT'S EXPENSIVE JEWELRY OR NOTHING.

LOOK, IF YOU CAN'T PUT A PRICE TAG ON LOVE, THEN HOW DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT'S WORTH?

JACKIE, WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THAT?

YOU HAVEN'T LEARNED A THING FROM ME.

STEVEN, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I MEAN, ROMANCE WAS CREATED BY CORPORATIONS TO PREY ON LOSERS WHO THINK BUYING NICE THINGS WILL MAKE SOMEBODY LOVE THEM.

IF YOU EVER READ ANYTHING BESIDES WHAT DONNY OSMOND PUTS ON HIS WAFFLES, YOU MIGHT LEARN SOMETHING.

I PUT WHIPPED CREAM ON MY WAFFLES, TOO.

I EAT LIKE THE STARS!

HEY...

WHEN DID YOU GET THE CUTE LITTLE WIENER DOG?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

NOT IN MY CHAIR!

RED FORMAN!

SCHOTZIE IS A HELPLESS LITTLE ANIMAL WITH FOUR BREAKABLE LEGS.

YOU CAN'T THROW HIM AROUND THE ROOM LIKE YOU WOULD ERIC.

RED, YOU DON'T SEEM LIKE THE TYPE OF GUY WHO'D GET A DOG, BEING THAT YOU'RE UNFRIENDLY.

YEAH, I KNOW.

I JUST WANTED TO DO SOMETHING TO CHEER KITTY UP.

WELL, IF YOU REALLY WANTED TO CHEER HER UP, YOU SHOULD'VE BOUGHT HER A BANJO.

A BANJO, BOB?

YOU CAN'T HOLD A BANJO AND NOT SMILE.

YOU CAN'T HOLD A POTATO CHIP AND NOT SMILE.

YES?

UM, I WANT TO BUY A PRESENT FOR MY GIRLFRIEND, YOU KNOW, THAT LETS HER KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER.

OH, NO PROBLEM. OH, OH, OH.

WOULD THE LADY LIKE A NECKLACE?

HUH?

WELL, IT'S NICE.

IT'S A LITTLE CREEPY.

IT DOESN'T REALLY SAY WHAT I WANT TO SAY, THOUGH.

OKAY, OKAY. OH, OH.

HOW ABOUT A PROMISE RING?

OH, DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON PROMISE RINGS.

LIKE ONCE, I GAVE HER ONE, AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN WANT IT, BUT THEN SHE GAVE ME...

HOW ABOUT THAT? LOOK HOW THAT SHINES.

WHOA, THAT'S NICE, HUH?

WELL, YOUR FINGER HAIR CURLING OVER THE RING IS KIND OF RUINING IT FOR ME.

DOES WEARING THE MERCHANDISE USUALLY WORK FOR YOU?

I DON'T KNOW. I'M NEW HERE.

I USED TO WORK AT THE LINGERIE STORE.

THEY FIRED ME. AH, I SEE.

I THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

HOW ABOUT A DIAMOND RING?

OH, ISN'T THAT GORGEOUS? LOOK AT THAT.

WHOA...

THAT'S AN ENGAGEMENT RING.

I'M IN HIGH SCHOOL, MAN.

THAT SAYS TOO MUCH.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT IT IS YOU WANNA SAY?

THAT I LOVE HER AND WE SHOULD BE TOGETHER FOREVER.

AN ENGAGEMENT RING SAYS THAT VERBATIM.

WELL, TOO BAD, 'CAUSE I AIN'T BUYING ONE.

WELL, I REFUSE TO PUT ON ANY MORE JEWELRY!

WELL, THANK GOD FOR THAT!

WOULD YOU LIKE TO LOOK AROUND A LITTLE MORE?

SURE.

AND SORRY ABOUT WHAT I SAID.

YOU LOOK... YOU LOOK REALLY NICE.

DONNA, YOU, ME, TONIGHT AT THE WATER TOWER.

MAKE YOURSELF FOXY, 'CAUSE YOU'RE GETTING SOMETHING PRETTY SPECIAL.

REALLY? A PRESENT?

I WILL GET FOXY.

OH, AND, DONNA...

DON'T FORGET TO WEAR FLATS, SO THAT ERIC CAN FEEL LIKE THE BOY.

SO, FORMAN, YOU FINALLY BROKE DOWN, HUH?

WHAT'D YOU GET HER?

EARRINGS? A LITTLE BRACELET?

NO, I GOT HER WAY MORE THAN A PIECE OF JEWELRY.

I GOT HER A GIFT THAT REALLY SAYS SOMETHING...

A DIAMOND ENGAGEMENT RING.

AS A JOKE?

NO, YOU GUYS, I'M GONNA ASK DONNA TO MARRY ME.

AS A JOKE?

THE STUPID HELMET?

WHY DO I HAVE TO WEAR THE STUPID HELMET?

BECAUSE YOU'RE STUPID!

YOU CAN'T ASK DONNA TO MARRY YOU, MAN!

WHY NOT? I MEAN, COME ON.

WE ALREADY KNOW THAT WE'RE GONNA BE TOGETHER FOREVER.

NO, YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE GONNA BE TOGETHER FOREVER.

REMEMBER HOW YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT SCREWING THINGS UP?

THIS IS YOUR BAY OF PIGS, MAN.

YEAH, EVEN IN MY COUNTRY, WE'RE NOT STUPID ENOUGH TO GET MARRIED IN HIGH SCHOOL.

AND WE EAT BUGS!

FORMAN, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, OKAY? I LOVE HER.

I WAS DOWN AT THE STORE AND I REALIZED, WHAT AM I WAITING FOR? WE'RE HAPPY.

YOU DON'T ENGAGED WHEN YOU'RE HAPPY! WHAT'S THE POINT?

YOU DO IT WHEN YOUR BACK'S AGAINST THE WALL AND THERE'S NO WAY OUT, LIKE IF THE GIRL'S PREGNANT.

IT IS SETTLED THEN.

ERIC WILL GET DONNA PREGNANT.

I WILL OVERSEE THE PROCEEDINGS FOR VERIFICATION PURPOSES.

AH, BUT HE'S SO STUPID, HOW DO WE KNOW HE CAN DO IT?

JACKIE, HELP ME OUT HERE.

WELL, I THINK IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

WELL, THEN YOU'RE CRAZY, TOO.

LOOK, STEVEN, I AM MY OWN WOMAN, OKAY?

I AM ALLOWED TO HAVE OPINIONS ABOUT JEWELRY!

YOU PRESENT HATER!

LISTEN, YOU GUYS, I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS A LOT, OKAY?

DONNA'S WILLING TO COMMIT FOUR YEARS OF COLLEGE TO ME.

I WANT TO COMMIT, TOO.

FORMAN, I SAY THIS TO YOU AS A FRIEND THAT LIKES TO SEE YOU GET HURT.

IF YOU DON'T TAKE THAT RING BACK RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE GOING TO END UP IN A WORLD OF MISERY AND PAIN.

HEY, I LOVE DONNA, OKAY?

SO DID IT EVER OCCUR TO ANY OF YOU THAT I'M READY FOR A WORLD OF MISERY AND PAIN?

THINK ABOUT THAT!

WHO WANTS THE LAST PIECE OF SALAMI?

I'LL TAKE IT.

WHO WANTS A SALAMI?

I SAID I DO.

THERE YOU GO, SCHOTZIE!

I SAID I WANTED THAT.

BUT HE WAS BEGGING, RED.

WE DON'T TURN DOWN BEGGARS.

DO WE, SCHOTZIE? NO, WE DON'T!

OKAY, YOU GUYS KNOW MORE ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS THAN MY MORON FRIENDS, SO I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT ME AND DONNA.

NO, NO MORE ABOUT YOU AND DONNA.

YOU NEED TO BE THINKING ABOUT YOUR FUTURE...

COLLEGE, GETTING OUT OF MY HOUSE.

BUT DONNA IS MY FUTURE.

HONEY, WE KNOW YOU LOVE DONNA, BUT YOU TWO ARE SO ON AGAIN AND OFF AGAIN, YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA BE OFF AGAIN SOMETIME SOON.

WON'T THEY, SCHOTZIE? YES, THEY WILL!

HOW ABOUT A CAREER? HAVE YOU EVEN GIVEN THOUGHT TO WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO WITH YOUR LIFE?

YES, DONNA AND I...

I THINK HE SHOULD BE A PHARMACIST.

NOW THERE'S AN IDEA.

YOU CAN COUNT.

THERE'S NO HEAVY LIFTING.

YOU OUGHT TO SEE HIM TRY TO WRESTLE WITH THAT BIG MOP DOWN AT THE STORE.

I DON'T SEE WHAT ANY OF THIS HAS TO DO WITH ME AND DONNA.

OH, HONEY, BUT YOU WOULD BE SUCH A GOOD PHARMACIST.

YOUR SLENDER FINGERS ARE PERFECT FOR PICKING UP TINY PILLS.

AREN'T THEY, SCHOTZIE? YES, THEY ARE!

DID YOU SEE THAT? HE JUST NODDED.

j& BLUE MORNING, BLUE DAY... j&

MAN, EVERYONE'S DOWN ON ME AND DONNA GETTING ENGAGED.

YOU GUYS, MY PARENTS...

EVEN THE MAGIC 8-BALL SAID, "OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD."

I JUST...

I REALLY THINK DONNA WOULD LOVE AN ENGAGEMENT RING.

OH, SHE'LL LOVE THE RING.

IT'S THE THOUGHT BEHIND IT THAT WILL SEND HER RUNNING FOR THE HILLS.

OR MAYBE SHE'LL SEE HOW SMART IT IS TO GET MARRIED WHEN YOU'RE STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL AND HAVE NO MONEY OR FUTURE.

I KNOW I RAN WHEN JACKIE WANTED TO MARRY ME, EXCEPT I RAN FOR CALIFORNIA INSTEAD OF THE HILLS.

I MEAN, THE BEACH KICKS THE HILLS' ASS!

THERE'S WAY MORE BIKINIS, AND THEY USUALLY HAVE A SNACK BAR!

WHAT IF YOU GUYS ARE RIGHT?

WHAT IF SHE THINKS I'M MOVING TOO FAST?

MAN, GIVING HER THIS RING IS A HUGE GAMBLE.

AM I MAN ENOUGH TO MAKE THAT BET?

NO, NO! THE ANSWER IS NO!

YOU SEE, FORMAN, YOU TRIED TO DO A NICE, THOUGHTFUL THING, AND YOU SCREWED YOURSELF.

IT'S ALL ABOUT EXPECTATIONS, MAN.

LIKE I'VE TAUGHT JACKIE TO THINK I'M RUDE AND INCONSIDERATE.

I CAN'T DISAPPOINT HER, BECAUSE I'M ALWAYS DISAPPOINTING HER!

THEN IF I DON'T GIVE DONNA THE RING WHAT AM I GONNA DO AT THE WATER TOWER?

OH, GOD!

I DO DESERVE THIS!

DOES ANYONE ELSE THINK THAT SCHOTZIE LOOKS LIKE FEZ?

THAT DOG IS FLYIN'!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO SCHOTZIE.

HE'S SO HUNGRY, HE WENT THROUGH THREE CANS OF FOOD.

DIDN'T YOU, SCHOTZIE?

YES, YOU DID!

HEY, BOB, HAND ME THAT REMOTE THERE, WILL YOU?

NO THANKS, RED.

I'D HAVE TO BUCKLE MY BELT.

WELL, BUCKLE YOUR BELT ANYWAY.

NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THAT.

OH, NOT AGAIN!

THERE WE GO.

WHAT THE HELL!

OH, CRAP!

THAT'S IT! THAT DAMN DOG'S GOTTA GO.

I THINK HE JUST WENT, RED.

ARE YOU LAUGHING, BOB?

YOUR BOTTOM'S ALL WET.

THAT'S JUST PLAIN FUNNY IN MY BOOK.

WELL, HE CAN'T STAY. HE'S MAKING EVERYONE MISERABLE.

I DON'T KNOW.

KITTY'S SEEMED PRETTY DARN HAPPY THE LAST COUPLE DAYS.

YEAH, WELL...

LOOK, RED, YOU DID A NICE THING.

DON'T SPOIL IT BY, YOU KNOW, BEING YOURSELF.

I GUESS IF THE INCONTINENT LITTLE BASTARD MAKES KITTY HAPPY, I'LL PUT UP WITH IT.

WHAT THE HELL? I'VE NEVER BEEN THAT HAPPY ANYWAY.

AT LEAST NOT SINCE I'VE KNOWN YOU.

YEAH. WEIRD COINCIDENCE, HUH?

OKAY, LOOK, YOU!

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT ALL YOUR CONSPIRACY MUMBO JUMBO ABOUT PRESENTS AND DIAMONDS AND BUYING ME STUFF.

AND I REALIZED THAT ALL YOUR PARANOID, DELUSIONAL CRAP ABOUT ROMANCE IS A JUST A COVER-UP FOR YOU BEING CHEAP!

OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, IT'S NOT PARANOID, DELUSIONAL CRAP!

ADVERTISERS SPEND BILLIONS TO MAKE YOU THINK I'M A JERK IF I DON'T BUY YOU JEWELRY.

AND SECOND OF ALL...

YOU'RE RIGHT. I AM CHEAP.

WELL, YOU'D BETTER QUIT IT, BECAUSE I LIKE TO GET STUFF, ESPECIALLY SHINY STUFF.

WOULD YOU SETTLE FOR A CHEESEBURGER WRAPPED IN TINFOIL?

WELL, FOR YOU I WILL, BUT JUST KNOW THAT I'M REALLY LOWERING MY STANDARDS.

THAT MAKES TWO OF US.

SO? HUH?

THIS IS ROMANTIC, HUH?

IT'S A LITTLE MORE ROMANTIC IN THE SUMMER.

OR ANY TIME NOT BELOW FREEZING.

SO WHAT AM I GETTING?

WHAT ARE YOU GETTING?

WHAT ARE YOU GETTING?

THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE GETTING.

A CANDY BAR?

WELL, HALF A CANDY BAR.

I FIGURED WE COULD SHARE IT UNDER THE STARS.

WHAT A DELIGHTFUL MOONLIT SNACK.

OKAY, YOU'RE BEING WEIRD, AND IT'S FREEZING OUT HERE.

OH, COME ON. IT'S NOT THAT COLD.

AW...

ERIC, WHY ARE WE UP HERE?

OKAY, I'M SORRY, DONNA.

I HAD SOMETHING THAT I WAS GONNA GIVE YOU, BUT I REALIZED IT WAS STUPID.

OR EVERYONE SAID IT WAS STUPID, SO I JUST DECIDED AGAINST IT.

WHAT WAS IT?

IT WAS NOTHING.

WELL, IT WAS SOMETHING.

I MEAN, I CAN SEE THAT IT WAS SOMETHING.

JUST TELL ME.

OKAY, FINE.

I WAS GONNA GIVE YOU THIS.

OH, MY GOD. IS THAT A...?

YEAH.

IT'S STUPID, RIGHT?

YEAH.

AND... NO.

I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE WITH IT?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE AND THAT...

YOU MEAN EVERYTHING TO ME.

AND THEN...

I WOULD HAVE GONE DOWN ON ONE KNEE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THIS.

AND THEN I WOULD HAVE TAKEN YOUR HAND, AND TAKEN THE RING...

GO AHEAD.

AND I WOULD HAVE PUT THE RING ON YOUR FINGER, LIKE THIS.

WOW.

SO, UH...

SO, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

WHY DON'T I JUST HOLD ON TO THAT UNTIL, YOU KNOW, THE REAL MOMENT COMES.

WELL, SURE.

OR I COULD HOLD ON TO IT.

YOU COULD?

YEAH.

ERIC, I LOVE YOU, AND I WANT TO BE WITH YOU FOREVER.

YES.

THAT'S WHAT I TOLD EVERYONE, AND THEY MADE ME WEAR THE STUPID HELMET.

SO, UM...

DID WE JUST GET...

I THINK WE DID.

DONNA, I LOVE YOU.

WE ARE SO STUPID!

I KNOW, RIGHT?!

j&j&

OH, HERE COMES YOUR DAD.

PUT THE RING IN YOUR POCKET. WHY? HE'LL BE HAPPY FOR US.

OH, YEAH?

HEY, MR. PINCIOTTI.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I, SAY, MADE A LONG-TERM COMMITMENT TO YOUR DAUGHTER?

OH, I'D KILL YA.

YOU KNOW WHAT, A SECRET ENGAGEMENT IS EVEN MORE ROMANTIC.

AND MORE STUPID!