That '70s Show S5E8 Script

Thank You (2002)

I love this ring.

You know, I wish we could tell people that we're engaged.

You know, without Red killing you.

Red kills happy things, it's what he does.

Let's just enjoy the fact that someday you are going to be Mrs. Forman.

Mrs. Forman? You want me to go by Mrs. Forman?

Well, yeah, I just assumed. I mean, come on.


Which is nice. No, which is really nice.


Eric? Honey, could you get the Thanksgiving turkey out of the freezer?

Oh, wait. It's a 20-pounder. Donna.

Could you get the Thanksgiving turkey out of the freezer?

Sure, Mrs. Forman.

See? There's your Mrs. Forman.

Okay. Yeah, you know, you're right.

That's gonna be a little creepy.

Well, now I kind of like it. Call me Mrs. Forman.


Mrs. Forman's feeling dirty. No, okay, Donna...

Come on. Give Mrs. Forman a big French kiss!

No! Donna, no!

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Okay. Perfect. We're all set for turkey day.

And there'll be plenty of room, especially without Laurie.

Has anyone heard from her? Of course not!

I guess respect and courtesy aren't genetic like my slim hips.

Hey, Schotzie, stay away from my witch sister.

Her and her witch friends have been known to sacrifice small animals.

Oh, and possibly that one asthmatic neighbor boy.

Eric, little Wally moved away.

A six-year-old moved away?

His parents still live in that house.

Mrs. Forman, if it helps, I can invite Jackie to Thanksgiving.

She's bitchy like Laurie.

Ms. Forman, I would love to come to your Thanksgiving dinner, and I'll bring a date and a 12-pack, just like the pilgrims.

Hey, guys, Red is gonna flip when he sees this failing notice.

"To the parent or guardian of Eric Forman."

"Your son is a complete idiot.

"Please kick him out, and raise the foreign boy as your own."

Man, all I did was mess up on two math quizzes, but Ms. McGee has to be all...

"I'm Ms. McGee.

"I wear high heels and fail everybody."

What's that?

That's Ms. McGee.

You hardly changed your voice.

Well, sure, I did.

I'm Ms. McGee. I... That's just your voice.

I'm doing an impression.

Well, you suck at impressions.

Okay, forget it. Are you still doing her?

Oh, hey, Red, do me a favor. Sign this, huh?

My gym teacher's failing me 'cause I won't wear shorts.

Why won't you wear shorts? Would you wear shorts?


Thank you.

So, Eric, how's school treating you?

You managing to keep from embarrassing yourself?

Yeah. Oh, sure. I've been buckling down, just like you said, and thinking a little bit more about my future, which I believe you also recommended.

Well, it's good to know that 17 years of kicking your ass has finally paid off.

Eric, you didn't have him sign your failing notice.

Oh, I don't wanna trouble him with this old thing.

I'll just sign his name myself, because that's how good a son I am. j& Baby, baby, baby, baby, ohh j&

Okay, careful. Careful. Watch the TV. Okay.

Okay, this is good. Perfect. Perfect.

You. Why are you here?

You don't even know what Thanksgiving is.

I'm here because my host parents are feeding bums at church.

Charity begins at home, my ass.

Laurie? Hey, little brother.

You're back.

And you're not even eight months pregnant.

Mommy! Laurie!

Oh, my goodness! I knew you'd come.

Hi, Daddy! All the phones broken in Chicago?

No. Well, see, I had other plans, but my date...

I mean, business associate, had to go be with his wife.

I mean, other business associate.

I'm doing good!

Okay, well, you know what?

I'm gonna set you a place right next to me at the big table.

No, Kitty. I think that seat belongs to Eric.

Me? At the adults' table?

Are you sure I'm ready?

But, Daddy... Maybe, before you leave, you'll be acting a little more like him.


I'm the favorite now. Ooh!

Taste that.

Pimp gave you the holiday off, huh?

Yeah. He replaced me with your mom.

Now it's Thanksgiving.

Hey, Donna.

You know how my dad's so proud of me for doing so well in school, and all?

Even though it's a lie, and you're failing math

'cause you spend all your time with me?

Yeah. Right. That's right.

Well, just now, right now, right in there, right now, Red asked me to sit at the grownups' table.


I hear each person over there gets their own biscuit.

Yeah. Donna, it's glorious.


Donna, I want to tell everyone we're engaged. Tonight.

Tonight? Are you sure?

Yeah, I just...

I just want everyone to know, you know?

So, when the moment's right, we'll just... We'll tell them all.

This is so awesome!

And then, just in case, we'll run like hell.

I probably won't wait for you. Oh, okay.


That's a beautiful table, Kitty.

Well, thank you, Daddy. So glad that you and Mom could be here.

Well, we have to eat somewhere.

And, Mom, I know that we have had our ups and downs, but in honor of this special day, I would like to tell you that I am thankful that you are my mother, and I love you.

Isn't there something you would like to tell me?

Actually, I would like some more tea.

I'll try and slip some booze in there, in the interest of a happy holiday.

So, Thanksgiving.

We celebrate the subjugation of an indigenous people with yams and Underdog floats.

Yeah, I'm mostly celebrating my pretty new dress.

And so much for talking.

May I wet your whistle, Grandpa?

Gonna have to say yes to that.

Well, cannot let this go to waste.

When did they get a houseboy?

Happy Thanksgiving, Ms. Forman.

This is my date, Carol.

Ms. McGee?

Kelso, you're dating my math teacher?

No. No, no, no. We're not dating.

We just have a relationship that I thought we agreed to keep a secret?

Well, welcome.

Michael, she is 10 years older than you.

Oh, no. Nine and five-twelfths.

She taught me that.

Very good, Michael. Thank you.


Kelso, how could you bring her?

Oh, relax, man. She's not gonna quiz you or anything.

But if she does, the square root of zero is zero.

She got me with that last night, earned herself a free massage.

Ms. McGee, being that it's a holiday and all, there are certain math-related, failing-type things I'd rather not talk about.

I hear you. There are certain things I'd like to keep quiet, too.

So, if anyone from the school board should ask, I came alone, and I left before dessert.

Eric, maybe we should wait on the big announcement, now that your math teacher is here.

Oh, no, Donna, we don't have to worry, 'cause she's not my math teacher today.

Today, she's a cradle-robbing slut.

Yay, student-teacher relationships! Yay!

Hey, Laurie. Long time no doing it.

Maybe for you.

So, what time is your date gonna let you out for recess?

Nice try, Laurie. There's no recess today, it's Thanksgiving!

Wow, Laurie.

Yeah, me and her really had something, huh?

Yeah. Ointment took care of that, though, right?


This looks great.

Here you go. One for Burt, and one for Ernie.

I'm calling you Ernie now, because you look like the Muppet.

I didn't ask for a drink.

Well, I didn't ask to be born in a field.

But you fought back against adversity, just like your Indian brothers.

What is he, Cherokee?

Gobble, gobble, gobble.

It's time to carve the turkey.

Red. Actually, Kitty, I think this is Eric's year.

Seems like he's growing up and finally buckling down.

Here you go, Son.



Well, in that case, I would like to make a kind of announcement.

Check it out! I'm bread man. Hey, shut up! Eric's talking.

Go ahead, honey.


Well, I'm really glad that my family is here, and my friends, and, well, even my math teacher, because something happened a few days ago that I'd like to share with everyone.

Eric, we agreed this isn't the time.

No. No, I meant... Not the time for what?

To talk about how he's failing math.

What? Fez, what the hell?

I've been drinking.

Mr. Forman, you did sign the failing notice.

I didn't sign...

You forged my name?

Wow. I really picked the right day to come home, huh?

Okay, um...

Who likes dark meat?

Hey, who doesn't? Am I right, ladies?

Oh, Lord.

So, you lied to me about school.

Now, it wasn't a lie so much as a misdirection, really.

We'll talk about this later.

Well, Laurie, looks like a seat just opened up for you.

Come on over and grab a biscuit.

Forty-two minutes and I'm back on top.

So, that was kind of a mess.

Oh, no, that's what I wanted to happen.

Burt, honey, pass me your plate.


Burt! I'm up.

Bob, you know what Eric's problem is?

All that time he's spending with your daughter.

Hey, Donna ain't the problem.

Eric's the one who corrupted her up so dirty, I had to send her to Catholic school.

How could he be failing math?

Kitty, I'm sure he did the best he could for someone who was held too long as a baby.

I bet that explains why he hit puberty so late, too.

No, that was because of your mother's smoking.

Fez, I know you've only spoken English for a couple weeks now, but could you have learnt the words, "Don't tell my dad"?

"Don't," a contraction meaning "Do not," and "Tell my dad," meaning "Shut up!"

Okay, right there, you just told me not to shut up.

It's a wonder you're not failing English, too.

Crack a book, you lazy son of a bitch.

So, guys, Ms. McGee.

Pretty nice, huh? If they put one of her in every classroom, I'd never skip school again, if you know what I mean.

I mean, I'm doing it with my teacher!

Oh, shh! But it's a secret, so...

I've never been with a teacher, but I was with the post-office lady. That was cool.

I got 100 free stamps and a monster roll of tape.

I like older women, they always got something smart to say.

I think I could probably fit inside of a record player.

That's gotta sound good in there. Inside of a record player?

I miss dating Kelso.

The guys I'm with now, they're so... I don't know. What's the word?


Hey, you and Kelso didn't date.

You're just a tramp he cheated with.

And, you contaminated him so much, I ended up with Steven, who I love being with!

So, thank you.

Wow. I'm the only one here who's never been with Kelso, which makes me wanna say, ew!

And also, thank God.

But you, I mean, you're a teacher.

Can't you get in trouble for dating a student?

Hey, let them come and get me.

He's 18. I make $11,000 a year.

I deserve a little something.

So, that was one rooting-tooting, big old crap of a day, huh?

Yep. Pretty much.

I just really wanted to tell people that we were engaged.

You know what? Maybe it'd be easier if we just showed up next Thanksgiving with a kid.

Hey, thanks for dinner, Kitty.

I'll remember to wear my stretch pants next time.

Oh, let me know if you find that button.

Good night. I apologize if my being here upset you.

No, no, no. I just feel you being seen out with a student is...

It's just awfully bad principle.

Oh, he doesn't care, he's dating a cheerleader.

Burt. Burtie Bear.

Burt! Grandma, let me.

Grandpa! I'm up!

My goodness, you are going to make some lucky man a wonderful wife.

Oh, my God.

That's where Laurie gets her mean streak.

It's not from delightful me, it's from my evil mother!

So, evil skips a generation.

So, that means that my granddaughter is gonna be the devil.

Well, don't worry, because no woman's gonna wanna bear your idiot kids if you can't even pass math.

How could you forge my signature?

Here comes yelling. Yeah, I don't wanna hear this.

I'll help with the dishes. Yeah.

And I'll take these half-empty glasses.

Okay. No, no. You've had enough.

Eric, what the hell is wrong with you?

He doesn't understand consequences, Daddy.

Well, maybe he'll understand this.

From now on, every time you disobey me, or lie to me, or do anything that pisses me off, you're gonna pay me money.

Pay you? Wait, you're fining me?

It's like giving him tickets for being dumb.

Okay, okay, I think we're forgetting about a time-tested punishment here.

There's your foot, here's my ass. Swing away!

Well, it obviously doesn't work. So, for forging my name, you owe me 30 bucks.

Daddy, can I borrow $30?

Sure, kitten. What...

Laurie, your grandparents are sleeping in your room, so you take Eric's room, and the math whiz can ride the couch.

Well, another Thanksgiving come and gone.

Certainly an eventful day, hmm?


What with our ungrateful daughter, that dumb ass son, and a drunk foreign kid, I'd say...

Actually, it was a little better than last year.

I know we're young. But we're totally in love.

And we just want you to know...

We're engaged!

Feels good to tell someone. Yeah.

I think they're happy for us.

Look, Schotzie's celebrating.