That '70s Show S5E9 Script

Black Dog (2002)

Steven, I'm telling you, beards are out.

Look at Malibu Barbie.

She can date anyone she wants.

But she's with Malibu Ken. Why?

Because Malibu Ken doesn't have a beard!

Yes, he does. Malibu Barbie's his beard.

No straight man wears shorts that tight.

I don't care. Just shave it off.

It's like making out with carpet.

Well, here it is, the beginning of the end for you two.

Yeah, I remember the part of our relationship when all Jackie did was boss me around.

Yeah, that part only lasted, what, like, six years?

And he's a better man for it.

So come on, Steven, let's shave that beard.

Jackie, you just gave an order in the form of a cheer.

Oh, where are you going? Wherever the beard takes me.

Jackie, sweetie, we just got a phone call, and you're needed at home.

So why don't you grab your coat?

Mr. Forman'll give you a ride home.

Do you know what's going on? No, I don't know anything.

I know everything!

You know how Jackie's father is a city councilman? Not anymore.

He just got arrested for bribery. He could go to prison.

Well, I'm glad.

That guy makes Republicans look like a bunch of crooks and greedy businessmen.

Yeah, well, thank God for the honest ones like Richard Nixon, huh?

Oh, no.

What did you say?

I said that Nixon was framed and Kennedy was a commie.

That's right.

What's with the gun, Trigger?

Oh, will you relax, Eric? It's not a gun. It's a BB gun.

Yeah. I lost it when I was, like, 10, and I found it this morning buried in my backyard.

Why were you digging in your backyard?

Uh... Dinosaurs.

Watch the news, Donna!

You guys, I can't believe that Mr. Burkhart might actually be going to prison.

Ah, the tragedy. My father was sent to prison, and it led to a life of drugs and prostitution.

What? Yes. Then his pimp killed him.

But then the medical examiner found a tiny hair.

And he solved the crime, and he sent the pimp bastard to the chair.

Fez, that was last night's episode of Quincy.

Oh, I didn't know you watch that show.

Yeah, this is rough stuff Jackie's going through.

She'll come running to me, Old Faithful.

Kelso, Jackie's with me now.

Maybe. But we have history.

So when she needs a shoulder to cry on, she'll rest her head on these broad babies.

Feel them.

Rock hard, amigo.

Man, you don't want Jackie leaning on your shoulders.

They're all bruised. Where?

Man, I should really see those coming by now.

Oh! Watch the gun, Cool Hand Luke.

Will you relax, Eric? God, guns don't just go off by accident.

Really? What about Eric's fourth-grade hamster, Snowball?

Oh, no, Snowball wasn't shot.

He went upstate to live with a nice farm family.

You shot Snowball?

The... The gun went off by accident!

Oh, sweet pea, I'm here for you.

Steven, my dad's going to prison. What am I gonna do?

Bake him a cake with a file in it?

What do you want me to say?

Nothing. Look, I just... Oh, never mind.

Now we're talking. Donna, give her a kiss.

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Jackie blew right by me to get to Hyde!

Yes, I know. Because you told me 20 times!

Oh, there's my boss, Nina.

Queen of the DMV.

She haunts my dreams.

Wait, I thought Mr. Roper from Three's Company haunted your dreams.

Oh, he's there, too. Bug-eyed bastard.

Look at how beautiful she is.

You have to help me win her heart.

Whatever happened to Jackie's heart?

You know, at first I thought they were just killing time. But Nina...

But now I actually think they're getting serious.

But Nina... I mean Jackie and Hyde, man?

Enough! It's over for you, pin-brain!

Now, to summarize, Jackie gone, Nina still in play.

Now help me do this thing.

Fez.

Nina. My queen-a.

I told you I don't like that.

Now you're late for your fingerprint tutorial, so move it.

Ooh, tough cookie.

Yes, Fez likes the hard-headed mamas.

Really? I'm starting to get into the Asian ladies.

I know what you mean. Mystery of the Orient. Very sexy.

Hey. Hey.

Donna, what are you doing wearing the engagement ring?

It's supposed to be a secret.

You didn't tell anyone, did you?

Yeah, Eric, I have no self-control, so I told the pretzel guy at the park.

Okay.

Seriously, I have no self-control, and I told the pretzel guy at the park.

Donna! I'm sorry.

I'm excited. I had to tell someone.

Plus free pretzel.

What's wrong, Steven? Problems with Jackie?

Yeah, I said the wrong thing.

Well, I have menopause. Do you have menopause?

No.

Lucky bastard.

I'm sorry. So...

Tell me what happened.

Well, she wanted me to say something to make her feel better and I couldn't think of anything.

Well, Steven, you don't know how to comfort people, because you've never been comforted.

No, that's not true.

One time, my dad felt so bad about missing my Little League game that he made up for it by disappearing for nine years.

Well, after what you've been through, you don't have to be nice to anybody.

Jackie can just leave you alone.

Now I'm just... I'm gonna go upstairs and cry a little.

Problems with Jackie, huh?

Hyde, I'd like to remind you that Donna and I are basically the perfect couple.

We really are.

So we might just have a little something to teach you about relationships.

We really do.

All you have to do is back off. Go to her.

What?

No, he needs to be with her.

No, he needs to give her space.

When your mom left, I gave you space.

Yeah, but I didn't want space. I wanted you with me.

You didn't tell me that. I couldn't find you!

And they lived happily ever after.

Fingerprinting is one of the most important jobs at the DMV, Fez.

It helps make our customers feel like common criminals.

See? Firm but gentle.

Repeat that. Firm but gentle.

Fir but ge-ge.

Your hands are strong.

But your right hand's much stronger than your left. Why is that?

I am a sword fighter.

You fence? - Touche.

You know, I'm sorry if I'm a little short-tempered with you sometimes.

It's just, well, when I see you, I just...

No. No, I can't.

But I am all atwitter.

I'm sorry. I just can't. And no one can know about this.

But, Mom, Dad's in trouble.

So I really think you need to come back from Acapulco now.

Uh-huh.

Wow, that is a lot of tequila.

Red, Jackie's been moping in our kitchen for an hour.

So call the cops.

I don't want her arrested. I want to help her.

She needs a father figure. Go talk to her.

No. Yes!

No. Red!

Fine. Every damn argument!

You'd think I'd win one, just by chance.

Mr. Forman... Look, Jackie, I know that things seem grim, but your father's rich, right?

Uh-huh.

Well, then I'm sure that whatever trouble he's in, he'll buy his way out and wriggle free.

You're right.

I mean, this is America. The rich are treated differently here.

Yep. And I'm so glad I took some shrapnel to make that happen.

Me, too.

So, Hyde, have you talked to Jackie yet?

'Cause don't... 'Cause you gotta give her room to breathe, man.

Yeah. And if she ever falls out of a plane, just let her fall.

What, he's supposed to just jump out after her?

Well, at least they'll be together.

Man, I don't get Jackie.

I mean, we were together for years, and the second I turn my back, she off and frenches Hyde.

And by "turn your back," you mean ditching her for two months to have sex with random beach trash?

Whatever, man.

You... It's all... It's all about words with you!

Kelso, Jackie's my girlfriend.

We're together, so get over it.

You know what? Fine!

Dude, you shot him!

That is exactly what happened to Snowball!

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

Did I shoot your eye?

Yes! Now I can't see, you moron! You're dead!

I'd start running now. Chasing me is futile!

I'll just hide in your blind spot!

Man, are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.

The BB just winged my shoulder.

But that kid needs to be taught a lesson.

Hyde, it was an accident. No, it wasn't.

He's been bitching about me and Jackie since he found out.

Now he got himself so out of control that he shot me.

I don't like getting shot!

So now I'm gonna punish him the way my parents punish me.

You're gonna leave him at the mall?

No. I'm gonna milk this eye thing until he feels as bad as he should.

They didn't leave me at the mall. They forgot me.

They were drunk.

I am in pain.

Fez, we're really sorry about Nina. You know, rejection hurts.

No, Nina and I were kissing, and she made me stop and now I am in pain.

I have to go do something.

I think maybe we're all getting a little too comfortable with each other.

Well, maybe we wouldn't be so comfortable if we just gave each other some space.

Don't make me hit you.

Well, good luck reaching me through all the space.

Hey, guys. Is Hyde here?

Hyde?

Hey, Hyde. I brought you this.

What is it? I can't see.

Well, it's most of a burger.

I took a bite, 'cause I'm sorry, but I'm also hungry.

Yeah, well, it's almost 2:00. I gotta go flush out my eye.

You guys, how bad is it? Is Hyde gonna be a Cyclops?

Kelso, what were you thinking? I mean, did you shoot him on purpose?

No! The gun went off on accident!

Well, he kind of thinks you did.

How could I? I mean, yeah, I was mad. But I didn't...

I don't know. Maybe I did it accidentally on purpose.

You mean, subconsciously? No, I was definitely awake the whole time.

Steven, I'm glad your eye's not hurt.

Even though you deserve it because you were such a jerk about my dad.

Man, look, Jackie...

I'm never gonna be the guy who says the right thing at the right time. Okay?

I'm just not.

You are so full of it.

All I'm asking for is a gesture, and you can't even do that.

Okay, I got something.

Get your dad a carton of cigarettes so he can trade them for not being someone's wife.

Oh, just forget it. No. No.

Jackie, that's funny. Look, when my dad went to prison, that's what someone told me to make me feel better.

It was my mom! We had a real good laugh!

Mr. and Mrs. Forman, can you settle this for us?

If someone you love is kind of depressed, should you shower them with kindness or give them space?

Well, now, that's a very good question.

And it really takes a lot of living with someone to get it right.

That's true. But you'll find the thing to do is...

Give them space. ...shower them...

What did you say?

I said what you said.

You're lying. Oh, come on, Kitty!

When menopause makes you crazy, I could be with you all day and it wouldn't do any good.

You need space.

Oh. Menopause makes me crazy?

I'm crazy?

I'm crazy?

Well, if you want space, Red Forman, you got it!

This crazy lady's out the crazy door!

We were having a nice lunch.

Okay, Hyde, I feel really bad, and I shouldn't have shot you.

And I think that I might've done it on purpose

'cause I'm not okay with you and Jackie and I don't know if I ever will be.

But I'm almost positive that I'll never, ever shoot you again.

But the only way to be sure is for you to shoot me.

I've always responded really well to corporal punishment.

So, here.

Do it. Shoot me.

This is like Old Yeller.

Come on, man. Just do it. Right here. It's the only way.

Okay.

You lied!

You're dead, man!

So, how's stuff with your dad?

Well, my mom's flying home from the Fiesta de las Margaritas.

So I guess it's pretty serious. Hmm.

Wow, that is serious.

Playboy voted Fiesta de las Margaritas Latin America's number one singles party.

But I'm sure she's just there for the margaritas.

Oh, my God, you guys, my whole world is just falling apart.

Hey.

Steven! You shaved your beard off!

I thought it might cheer you up.

Oh, my God. You shaved it off for me.

You let the razor say the words your mouth couldn't speak.

Aww. Shut up!

So I guess the answer to the problem wasn't more or less space, it was more or less hair.

And that's bizarre.

Okay, I've been thinking about it, about the space thing, and I got it.

You'll talk about stuff, and I'll just leave.

And I'll follow you.

Because I'm strong enough to take you down and make you listen.

And I will let you lie on me and pretend that it bothers me.

Guys, something horrible has happened.

The little man in my pants has turned black.

It's not funny!

Black is the color of death!

Oh, my little man is going to die before he gets to see the world.

I'm so sorry.

How could this happen?

How?

Okay, I washed, but the ink isn't coming off my little man. Help.

You should try bleach.

Ooh. Or Comet. Yeah. Or steel wool.

Hey, and if all else fails the one thing that gets out ink is more ink.

That's right, Hyde. But whatever you do, use the steel wool first.

Really scrub, so the soap gets in there.

Remember, if it doesn't sting, it's not working.