That '70s Show S6E1 Script

The Kids Are Alright (2003)

j&j&j&

SO... COLD.

CAN'T...

USE THE FORCE.

ERIC.

LEIA?

OH, HI.

WERE YOU LIKE THAT ALL NIGHT?

NO, NO. FROM 1:00 TO 4:00, I WAS WHIMPERING BECAUSE YOUR KNEE WAS IN MY BACK.

YEAH, WE GET TO MADISON NEXT WEEK, WE'RE GETTING A BIGGER BED.

ERIC, MY KNEE WAS IN YOUR BACK BECAUSE YOU WERE TRYING TO HUMP ME IN YOUR SLEEP.

NO, I WASN'T ASLEEP.

I GOTTA GO.

MY FOLKS COME HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL TODAY.

DONNA, WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE? DONNA?

UM, JUST A MINUTE, DAD.

THIS IS YOURS.

NO TIME.

I'M COMING IN!

HI, DADDY.

I HEARD VOICES.

OH, THAT WAS ME, YOU KNOW, GREETING THIS BEAUTIFUL MORNING.

UH-HUH.

GET OUT.

MAY I ASK WHY YOU'RE WEARING MY DAUGHTER'S BLOUSE?

I THOUGHT YOU'D BE MAD IF I WAS NUDE.

OH, WHAT THE HELL?

FEZ?

OH, MY GOD! DID YOU SEE ANYTHING?

NOT MUCH. YOU SHOULD REALLY THINK ABOUT A NIGHT-LIGHT.

j& HANGIN' OUT j& j& DOWN THE STREET j& j& THE SAME OLD THING j& j& THAT YOU DID LAST WEEK j& j& NOT A THING TO DO j& j& BUT TALK TO YOU j& j& WE'RE ALL ALL RIGHT j& j& WE'RE ALL ALL RIGHT j&j&

HELLO, WISCONSIN!

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YEAH, IT'S A SWEATBAND. I'M WEARING SWEATBANDS NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WELL, POLICE ACADEMY STARTS IN A WEEK, SO I GOTTA GET IN SHAPE.

SO I'M EATING RAW EGGS, LIKE ROCKY.

KELSO, ROCKY ATE RAW EGGS

'CAUSE HE WAS TRAINING FOR A FIGHT.

IF HE WAS TRAINING TO BE A COP, HE'D JUST FLUNK OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL AND GROW A BAD MUSTACHE.

OH, I'M GROWING THE BAD MUSTACHE.

OHH!

FORMAN, JUST 'CAUSE THERE'S A SALE AT PENNEY'S DOESN'T MEAN YOU GOTTA BUY EVERYTHING.

HEY, FEZ, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BRING YOUR DATE HOME, THEN TAKE HER PANTS OFF.

FELLAS, I'M AFRAID YOUR LITTLE JOKES DON'T BOTHER ME, BECAUSE SOON I WILL BE STARTING MY NEW LIFE IN MADISON, WHERE IF I SO CHOOSE, I CAN WEAR LADIES' CLOTHES ALL I WANT.

REALLY? WHERE IS THIS MADISON?

SO I CAN GO THERE AND KICK THEIR DRESS-WEARING ASSES.

GUYS, COME ON.

I'M ALL MAN. I'M MARRIED TO ERIC'S SLUTTY SISTER.

YEAH, HOW'S THAT GOING?

OH, NOT GREAT, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE WHEN LAURIE GETS BACK FROM OUR HONEYMOON IN CANCUN, THINGS WILL PICK UP.

LAURIE WENT ON YOUR HONEYMOON ALONE?

OH, NO. THAT WOULD BE CRAZY.

SHE TOOK HER FRIEND CARLOS ALONG TO KEEP AN EYE ON HER.

BUT I PAID FOR BOTH OF THEM, SO EVERYONE KNOWS WHO THE MAN IS IN THIS DEAL.

HELLO, BOYS. IT IS ME, THE OBJECTS OF YOUR DESIRE.

HEY, JACKIE.

SO, JACKIE, DID YOU CHOOSE BETWEEN ME AND KELSO YET?

I'M ON MY WAY TO THE POOL RIGHT NOW TO THINK ABOUT IT.

REST ASSURED, WHEN I'M IN MY MOST DELICIOUS SHADE OF COCOA BROWN, YOU WILL HAVE YOUR ANSWERS.

WELL, THIS MIGHT TIP THE SCALES.

I'M NOT WEARING ANYTHING UNDERNEATH MY TRACK SUIT.

THIS IS STUPID. ALL RIGHT, I'M OUT OF HERE.

HEY, JACKIE, YOU WANNA SEE SOMETHING HOT?

WATCH ME DRINK RAW EGGS. OH, MICHAEL...

JACKIE, HOLD ON. I'M DRINKING MY EGGS. NO, MICHAEL...

JACKIE, WHATEVER IT IS, I'M SURE IT CAN WAIT UNTIL AFTER I DRINK MY EGGS!

FINE.

HMM.

NOW, WHAT IS SO IMPORTANT?

YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO EGGS!

OH, MAN, I AM.

YEAH.

YEAH, I GOTTA GO TO THE HOSPITAL.

THAT'S OKAY. I'LL DRIVE.

I GOTTA PICK UP MY FOLKS ANYWAY.

SO, HYDE, YOUR COMPETITION FOR JACKIE IS, UH...

EGGBOY.

OOH, THAT MUST BE SO HUMILIATING.

FEZ, YOUR WIFE'S ON YOUR HONEYMOON WITH ANOTHER GUY.

OH, NO, NO, NO. CARLOS IS JUST LIKE A...

HE'S KIND OF LIKE A CHAPERON. HE, UH...

SON OF A BITCH!

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HOW YOU DOING BACK THERE, KELS?

MY EYES FEEL TIGHT. DO I LOOK OKAY?

OH, MY GOD! HOLY CRAP!

WHAT?! WHAT?!

NOTHING. WE'RE JUST SHOCKED AT HOW...

GREAT YOU LOOK.

OH. SWEATBAND.

I'M WEARING SWEATBANDS NOW. j&j&j&

COME ON, KITTY.

LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS WEIRD PLACE.

I THINK SOME OF THESE NURSES ARE STEALING DRUGS.

RED, I AM A NURSE HERE.

I STAND BY MY STATEMENT.

OKAY, MR. FORMAN, JUST TO BE CLEAR, NO GOING TO WORK, NO CHORES, NO DRIVING FOR 3 MONTHS.

AND LET'S NOT FORGET THE ROOT CAUSE OF THE PROBLEM.

TOO MUCH RAGE, RIGHT?

YEAH, SO HE PROBABLY SHOULDN'T, LIKE, YELL AT ANYONE ANYMORE, RIGHT?

ACTUALLY, THE REASON HE RAN INTO TROUBLE IS HE WAS HOLDING STUFF IN.

HE WAS HOLDING STUFF IN.

OKAY, I WEIGH 42 POUNDS 'CAUSE OF WHAT HE LET OUT.

AND I'M SORRY, YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT, UH...

THERE'S MORE IN THERE?

HA HA. NO, NO, NO.

HE DOES NOT WEIGH 42 POUNDS, AND THESE TWO ARE THE BEST OF BUDDIES.

"HEY, DAD, WANNA GO FISHING?"

"SURE, SON, LET'S HUG." HA HA HA HA HA!

THAT'S WHAT IT'S LIKE AT OUR HOUSE.

HA HA HA HA. HA...

SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT THE DRUGS?

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS FOCUS ON THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY.

OKAY, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE'RE GONNA FIND A BOATLOAD OF DEAD COMMIES.

THEY GAVE ME 4 SHOTS, NONE IN THE ARM.

HEY, PRETTY LADY, LIKE WHAT YOU SEE? j&j&j&

JACKIE, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DECIDE BETWEEN KELSO AND HYDE?

I ALREADY HAVE.

WHAT?

YEAH.

OH.

HERE YOU GO, LITTLE BOY.

SO, WHO'D YOU PICK?

WELL...

WOW, THIS BALL MUST BE HARD TO CATCH, HUH?

I CHOSE STEVEN, AND I'M GONNA TELL HIM TODAY.

I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THE LOOK ON HIS FACE.

OH, MY GOD! WHAT IF HE CRIES?

YEAH, THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

OH, I'LL MAKE HIM CRY. YOU WATCH AND SEE.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU...

YOU GET A GOOD LOOK, YOU LITTLE PERV?

SHE TOUCHED ME AND IT WAS AWESOME! j&j&j&

OKAY, NOW...

GET YOU UPSTAIRS FOR YOUR NAP, AND, ERIC, HE NEEDS QUIET, SO NO SHENANIGANS.

MOM, PLEASE. I HAVEN'T SHENANIGANED IN ABOUT 6 YEARS.

I'VE HOOLIGANED. I'VE NO-GOODNIKED. I'VE NE'ER-DONE-WELL.

JUST YESTERDAY I CAUGHT MYSELF RABBLE-ROUSING...

WILL YOU SHUT UP!

WELCOME HOME, DAD!

YOU!

YOU GOT A LOT OF NERVE, SHOWING YOUR FACE AROUND HERE AFTER WHAT YOU DID TO MY DAUGHTER.

HEY, I DID YOU A FAVOR.

THAT GIRL'S BEEN PASSED AROUND THIS TOWN...

NO!

OKAY, YOU HAVE ALREADY GIVEN HIM ONE HEART ATTACK.

THAT'S ENOUGH. NOW HUSH.

HEY, LOOK, BUDDY. RAISINETTES.

MMM!

OKAY, OKAY, NAP TIME.

OH, AND, ERIC, YOUR FATHER HAS A CHECKUP NEXT WEEK, SO I NEED YOU TO TAKE HIM.

MOM, I HAVE TO REGISTER FOR COLLEGE, REMEMBER?

I'M NOT GONNA BE HERE. I'M MOVING AWAY.

SO YOU'RE STILL GOING?

YES, I'M STILL GOING. IT'S COLLEGE.

FINE.

MOM, I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.

OH, KITTY, LET HIM GO.

ODDS ARE HE'S NOT GONNA AMOUNT TO ANYTHING, AND I DON'T WANT HIM BLAMING ME.

SEE? THAT IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF THING THAT I HAVE TO GET AWAY FROM.

FINE.

GREAT. GREAT.

FINE. OH, MY HEART.

DAD! DAD!

I... JUST THOUGHT I'D BREAK THE TENSION.

THAT'S GONNA COME IN HANDY.

OKAY, NO MORE FAKE HEART ATTACKS.

NEXT TIME YOU CLUTCH YOUR CHEST, YOU'D BETTER SEE A BRIGHT LIGHT AND SOME DEAD RELATIVES.

HEY, LITTLE BROTHER.

HEY, HUBBY.

DON'T "HUBBY" ME. I'M MAD AT YOU.

AW. BUT I BROUGHT YOU A SOUVENIR.

OH, LOOK, FEZ. A GENUINE CANCUN SHOT GLASS, STILL STICKY WITH TEQUILA.

OH, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.

NO BIGGIE.

SOME GUY LEFT IT IN MY ROOM. j&j&j&

OKAY. STEVEN...

I'M HERE TO TELL YOU I'VE MADE MY DECISION.

I CHOOSE YOU.

WOW.

YEAH, I'M A GOOD KISSER.

MM-HMM.

HERE'S YOUR GUM BACK.

OH.

OH, STEVEN, I MISSED YOU SO MUCH.

HEY, YOU READY?

YEAH, LET'S HIT IT.

WHOA!

WHOA!

WHO IS THIS?

THIS IS MY DATE. YOU DIDN'T THINK I WAS GONNA WAIT AROUND FOR YOU ALL SUMMER, DID YOU?

LOOKS LIKE YOU TRADED UP.

OH, YOU BETTER BACK OFF.

BACK OFF OR WHAT?

I'LL CALL YOUR PARENTS.

MY PARENTS DON'T SPEAK MIDGET.

OH!

OKAY, OKAY.

I HATE MYSELF FOR STOPPING A GIRL FIGHT, BUT LET'S JUST... OH, SCREW IT. GO! GO!

ALL RIGHT. STEVEN, YOU MADE YOUR POINT.

NOW, PLEASE STAY HERE WITH ME?

I'M SORRY, BUT I GOT PLANS.

HEY, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO WORK ON YOUR TAN.

SKANK!

AAH!

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OKAY, HERE YOU GO.

EGG WHITES ONLY. NO YOLKS...

THEY'RE BAD FOR YOU.

BUT THE YELLOW PART IS THE BABY BIRD.

THAT'S THE PART I WANNA EAT.

SORRY. TOO MUCH CHOLESTEROL.

WHICH ALSO MEANS NO BACON.

JUST GOOD OLD HEART-HEALTHY HAM.

MMM!

BACON.

THAT IS SO GOOD.

THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN HAM.

AND FOR YOU... MY FAMOUS CHOCOLATE-CHIP CARAMEL WHIPPED CREAM PANCAKES.

MOM, YOU'RE NOT GONNA BRIBE ME INTO STAYING HOME FROM SCHOOL WITH SUPER-SWEET BREAKFAST FOOD.

WHERE ARE MY SPRINKLES?

NO, NO. THE PANCAKES ARE AN APOLOGY.

I OVERREACTED BEFORE. OF COURSE YOU HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL.

SO THAT'S IT? IT'S NO GUILT?

THAT'S RIGHT.

WHAT A NICE WARM FAMILY MOMENT.

LET'S CELEBRATE...

WITH BACON.

MMM!

BACON. j&j&j&

STEVEN, HOW COULD YOU GO OUT WITH ANOTHER GIRL WHEN I CHOSE YOU?

JACKIE, WHEN I SAID CHOOSE BETWEEN ME AND KELSO, I MEANT CHOOSE ME, RIGHT THEN.

MAKING ME SIT AROUND AND WAIT IT OUT IS IMMATURE.

I WANT WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT IT.

WHAT IS SO IMMATURE ABOUT THAT?

FORGET IT, JACKIE.

MAYBE YOU'RE JUST NOT MY TYPE.

WHOA. THAT WAS ROUGH.

EVEN I'VE HAD A BETTER DAY THAN YOU AND MY HEAD SWELLED UP TO 5 TIMES ITS NORMAL SIZE. j&j&j&

OH, MY GOD, DONNA.

MADISON HAS A COURSE CALLED

"THE SOCIAL SIGNIFICANCE OF JEDI CULTURE."

MOM, WHY ARE YOU DOING LAUNDRY?

IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT.

WELL, WITH YOUR DAD NOT WORKING, I HAD TO PICK UP A DOUBLE SHIFT AT THE HOSPITAL.

IT'S THE ONLY TIME I HAVE TO DO IT.

OKAY, DON'T DO THIS.

DO WHAT?

COME DOWN HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT DOING LAUNDRY, LOOKING LIKE HELL.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

NO, I...

I'M JUST SAYING, YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY FOR LEAVING, AND IT'S NOT GONNA WORK. I CAN'T STAY HERE.

OKAY? I HAVE TO GO OFF AND LIVE MY LIFE.

I DESERVE THAT.

MOM, I DESERVE A CHANCE!

OKAY, OKAY. NO NEED TO USE YOUR SQUEAKY VOICE.

I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE TO LEAVE.

I HAVE BIGGER THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT THAN MAKING YOU FEEL GUILTY.

ERIC, IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU NEED TO STAY, I MEAN, WE CAN TALK ABOUT...

NO, NO.

WE'RE LEAVING NEXT WEEK AND THAT'S FINAL.

OKAY.

YEAH, IT'S BACON.

AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU TELL YOUR MOTHER.

SHE DOESN'T SCARE ME.

ERIC, I ALMOST FORGOT... j&j&j&

HOW COULD STEVEN SAY I'M NOT HIS TYPE?

I'M EVERYBODY'S TYPE. THAT'S MY THING.

WELL, AT LEAST YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ME CHASING AFTER YOU ANYMORE.

I MEAN, MOST OF THE STUFF YOU AND HYDE USED TO ARGUE ABOUT I DIDN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND, WHICH MAKES ME THINK THAT YOU'VE BECOME A COMPLICATED WOMAN, AND I DON'T WANT NONE OF THAT.

SO YOU'RE REALLY OKAY WITH US JUST BEING FRIENDS?

YEAH. I RELEASE YOU.

FLY, LITTLE BIRD.

FLY, FLY AWAY!

THAT WAS YOU.

MICHAEL, DO YOU THINK I'M IMMATURE?

NO, YOU'RE ALMOST FULLY GROWN.

WELL...

STEVEN THINKS SO.

APPARENTLY, I'M IMMATURE, AND THAT SKANK IN THE LEATHER JACKET IS WHAT, COOL?

WELL, I CAN BE COOL.

PEOPLE CAN CHANGE.

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN DID IT FOR JOHN TRAVOLTA, AND THAT MOVIE WAS TOTALLY REALISTIC.

WOW!

YOWZA!

YUMMY.

JACKIE?

TELL ME ABOUT IT, STEVE.

j& I GOT CHILLS j& j& THEY'RE MULTIPLYIN' j& j& AND I'M LOSIN' CONTROL j& j& FOR THE POWER YOU'RE SUPPLYIN' j& j& IT'S ELECTRIFYIN' j&

j& YOU'D BETTER SHAPE UP j& j& 'CAUSE I NEED A MAN j& j& AND MY HEART IS SET ON YOU j& j& YOU BETTER SHAPE UP j& j& YOU BETTER UNDERSTAND j& j& TO MY HEART, I MUST BE TRUE j& j& NOTHING LEFT, NOTHING LEFT FOR ME TO DO j& j& YOU'RE THE ONE THAT I WANT j& j& OOH, OOH, OOH, HONEY j& j& THE ONE THAT I WANT j& j& YOU ARE THE ONE I WANT j& j& OOH, OOH, OOH, HONEY j& j& THE ONE THAT I WANT j& j& OOH, OOH, OOH j& j& THE ONE I NEED j& j& OH, YES, INDEED j& j& YES, INDEED j&j&

OH, JACKIE, YOU'RE SO MUCH COOLER THAN THAT SKANK I WAS WITH BEFORE.

PLEASE TAKE ME BACK.

'CAUSE WE BELONG TOGETHER, LIKE BOP-BOBBA-LOO-BA, SHA-WALLA, SHE-BANG, SHE-BANG.

OH, THE WHOLE GANG IS BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.

ARE YOU GONNA SING?

'CAUSE I'VE HEARD YOU SING AND...

YOU'RE NOT GONNA SING, ARE YOU?

NO, BUT I'M GONNA GET STEVEN BACK, WHATEVER IT TAKES.

AND I'M GONNA GET ME A PAIR OF THOSE BLACK SATIN PANTS, 'CAUSE I LOOK GOOD IN THOSE.

MOM?

FABRIC SOFTENER! I'M UP!

MRS. FORMAN, ARE YOU OKAY?

OH, SURE. OH, GOD. I'M LATE FOR WORK.

YOU'RE WORKING TONIGHT?

WELL, HONEY, NIGHTS CAN BE OUR BUSIEST TIME.

LOTS OF PEOPLE STROKE OUT AFTER A BIG SALTY DINNER.

BUT YOU WORKED ALL DAY.

I KNOW. I GOTTA GO.

OKAY, THERE'S FOOD IN THE... OH, WHO AM I KIDDING?

THERE'S NO FOOD.

THEY CAN'T DO THIS TO ME.

THEY CANNOT DO THIS TO ME. I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.

OF ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD THAT HAVE EVER HAD TO GET ANYWHERE, IT IS ME HAVING TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

I HAVE TO GO!

I HAVE TO STAY.

DONNA, I'M SORRY.

SORRY? ERIC, I THINK IT'S AMAZING THAT YOU'D DO THAT FOR YOUR FAMILY.

AND, YOU KNOW, WE'LL SEE EACH OTHER ON WEEKENDS.

OH, SO YOU'RE STILL GOING?

WELL...

YEAH, I MEAN...

YEAH.

YEAH.

NO. OF COURSE.

OH, COME ON.

I THINK I KNOW SOMETHING THAT MIGHT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

HEY, UM...

CAN WE JUST LIKE...

COULD WE JUST SIT FOR A WHILE?

YEAH, SURE.

SIT FOR A WHILE?

IF I HADN'T FOUND THIS BACON, I'D BE REALLY PISSED OFF. j&j&j&

I MEAN, JUST BECAUSE I DON'T WEAR DRESSES AND I KNOW HOW TO FIX A CAR, IT DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T LIKE TO BE TOLD I'M PRETTY.

WOW. IT'S LIKE I'M READING MY OWN JOURNAL.

I THINK YOU'RE PRETTY.

I THINK YOU'RE REALLY PRETTY.

I THINK YOU'RE PRETTY.

STOP.

IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?

SHH! YOU'LL BREAK THE SPELL.