That '70s Show S6E11 Script

I Can See for Miles (2004)

So, guys, guess what?

I found the perfect place for me and Eric to get married.

"Where, Donna? Please tell us."

Okay. Well, that place up by the lake that overlooks the entire valley where people go for romance.

Wait, Mount Hump?

People don't go there for the romance, Donna.

They go there for the humping.

Eric, let's go out there tomorrow and check it out.

I know the Cruiser's in the shop, but we can take my dad's car.

Donna, he's got that "Honk if you're horny" bumper sticker.

Yeah, well, I'd scrape it off, but "I brake for boobies" is underneath it.

Why are you guys all in Steven's room?

Well, Hyde was here, so I came in because I'm not comfortable enough with myself to be alone.

Yeah, but it's all gray like a prison cell.

Gray is why prisoners are unhappy.

Really? I always thought it was the loss of freedom and the uninvited man-love.

Steven, I just think that you would be happier if you saw pretty things.

Like, when I look at myself in the mirror, I'm happy.

When I look at you, I'm happy, too.

But when you talk... Eh...

Hey, Eric, I have to ask you a very important question.

Can I borrow your G.I. Joe for a little experiment?

No. I thought you were going to say yes.

And, by the way, the experiment was a success.

G.I. Joe melts faster than cheese.

Kelso, you can't just take my things without asking permission.

Come on, we're friends.

I figured, what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine.

What's Donna's is mine, too.

Kelso!

Yeah, Barbie didn't make it either.

No one likes to see civilian casualties.

That's weird.

My finger's due back tomorrow, but my hand's due back next week.

You know, Michael, I was a little worried about starting to date you, but lately you've really impressed me.

Well, that's the police motto, "To Serve and Impress."

I thought it was "Serve and Protect."

Yeah, they just changed it.

Maybe you could take me to my doctor's appointment tomorrow.

We'll hear the baby's heartbeat.

Seriously?

You want me to do baby stuff with you? Yeah.

You've been really great these last few weeks.

Yes, I have.

And there's no telling what you'll do next.

One day, you might even read one of these things.

Yeah, let's just pray to God that day never comes.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Stupid Kelso.

Guess what I packed?

I'm gonna have to go with picnic.

You win.

So when do I get my car back?

Well, I don't know.

We're scouting places to have the wedding.

You don't need to scout anywhere but the inside of a church.

What better place to start a happy life than Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow?

Well, Dad, the thing is we're not getting married in a church.

But we are thinking about getting married at Mount Hump, which is sort of the church of humping.

Well, no church, no car, just like it says in the Bible.

Well, the Bible doesn't say anything about taking Kelso's van.

All right, Donna, we can't just take it.

Of course we can.

What's his is yours, remember?

Do it for the liquefied face of G.I. Joe.

I can't think of a more fitting way to honor the real American hero.

You're welcome, big guy.

What's this for? No reason.

I was just thinking about you and how we've been through a lot together.

No, we haven't.

Oh, he gave you shoes.

What do you say, Red?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Or we say, "Thank you very much."

Well.

Don't you think it's a little odd for a man to give another man a pair of shoes?

I saw them. I thought they'd go nice with your tan pants.

Quit thinking about my pants.

My legs and what covers them is my business.

He's very sensitive about his legs.

You know, he shouldn't be. They're shapely like a lady dancer.

Maybe that's why he's so sensitive.

Oh, finally. I've been waiting all afternoon. I'm about to burst.

Hey, man. I'm thinking maybe you should wait out here.

No. No, no, no. Fez, you should see this.

It's a dream come true.

Surprise!

Jackie, what the hell happened to my room?

I redecorated it.

Now, if a stranger comes in here, he'd never know you were poor.

Looks like something for a girl.

I like it. Or Fez!

I can't live like this. I'm getting sick just looking at it.

Yes. Yes, Steven.

That sick feeling is your orphan soul coming alive.

Jackie, just put it all back, okay?

Make it ugly and dirty like I like it.

Well, excuse me, for spending all morning putting up twinkle lights that are breathtaking, pillows as soft as marshmallows, and sexy candles that make you feel like you're running through a field like Laura freaking Ingalls!

Okay, okay.

We came here for a reason.

Now, should I start and you watch or should you start and I watch?

Either way, I'll be done first.

So I told Hyde he could watch while Jackie and I do it,

and then he beat my ass with a twinkle light.

Where's my van?

No, I parked it right here.

Calm down, you probably just lost it again.

Where was the last place you had it? Right here!

Somebody stole my van! That's horrible!

I left a brand-new bag of Tootsie Rolls in there.

Fez! Okay, okay. It was just half a bag.

But if you talk to the insurance company, just tell them it was a whole bag.

I finally got Brooke to trust me, and if I don't take her to this doctor's appointment, I'm dead.

What am I gonna do? Don't beat yourself up.

It's only Tootsie Rolls.

You know, I'm gonna take Red's car.

I know he's got to hide a key in there somewhere.

Are you brain-damaged?

Fez, did you just say, "Are you brain-damaged?" and sound exactly like Red?

Kelso, you know I only do Johnny Carson and Pepe Le Pew.

Get away from my car.

Your car, my car.

Aren't we all just driving the same car?

It's a car called "life."

How about I drive my foot into this thing called "your ass"?

A simple "no" would suffice.

Shoes are an inappropriate gift to give another man.

Well, what about when you joined the service?

Another man issued you your boots.

But then he gave me a gun, so I let it go.

Well, why don't you just accept the shoes because Bob is your friend?

You don't understand how men work.

We don't give each other presents.

We pretty much ignore each other until someone scores a touchdown.

You should listen to me. I know how to be a friend, and you obviously don't, since you don't have any.

I have plenty of friends.

Charlie's a friend. He saved my life during the war.

And when is the last time you talked to Charlie?

We said all we needed to say on the boat back home.

I don't believe this.

This is crazy.

Not bad! j& It feels so good Nice. j& You lying here next to me

So soft.

So smooth. j& You have no idea how it feels

j& My hands just won't keep still j&

Oh, yeah!

Isn't this amazing?

Is it called Mount Hump because people come here to hump?

Or do people come here to hump because it's called Mount Hump?

Like the chicken or the egg.

Well, I have a really good feeling about this place.

Donna, there are panties in the grass.

Well, Fez collects panties.

So we could just set him loose up here before the ceremony.

It's so quiet and peaceful.

Can't hear anything.

Actually, I hear a car.

Oh, man! Some poor sucker just totally got into an accident.

Your chariot has arrived, my lady.

What happened to your van?

Yeah, a little problem with the van.

I can't find it.

Michael, people lose keys to a van, not the whole van.

Now I'm going to miss my doctor's appointment.

Look, Brooke, this is not my fault.

You're right, it's my fault for depending on you.

Okay, okay. I can fix this, okay?

Just hop on the handle bars and I'll pedal you there.

Hello! I'm pregnant.

Okay, fine. You pedal and I'll ride.

Oh, look.

Here you are with all your friends.

Kitty. No, no, no.

You claim to have all these friends.

Here are last year's Christmas cards.

Fifty-six are for me, four for you.

Kitty, the card from the Jose Cuervo collector's club doesn't count.

Fine, I can afford to throw this one away because I have 55 more, but I will keep this because it has a coupon in it.

Anyway, it doesn't matter because I'm keeping the shoes.

A good shoe is a good shoe, no matter where it comes from.

Oh, it's like I'm walking on a pile of baby ducks.

Well, hello there, Senor Fancy Sheets.

I love the way Jackie decorated your room.

It's all glittery like an Italian person lives there.

You let your girlfriend decorate your room?

She also buy you a new dress?

Yeah, I guess I have a lot to answer for.

Then again, I never accepted a pair of shoes from another man.

I knew it was a weird gift.

Kitty said it wasn't.

They're nice. Steven, tell him they're nice.

No, I can't do it.

Although, you know what? Maybe she's right.

Maybe you should keep the shoes and get Bob a present in return.

Like a necklace.

Or some sexy lingerie.

Man, poor Kelso's van.

I mean, when it finally landed, it didn't so much crash as completely separate into its basic elements and just return to nature.

It was so sad.

There were Tootsie Rolls everywhere.

Guys, took a nap in my room.

My goose-down duvet is like a cocoon.

I lay down a caterpillar and woke up a butterfly.

Maybe you with your room and Red with his shoes should get a room and decorate it with Red's shoes. Burn!

Man, you just don't understand what it's like to have a bed that hugs you like you're a little baby.

It's like crawling into a mommy kangaroo.

I miss my kangaroo.

Remember when I said that he should decorate his room with Red's shoes?

Burn!

Hyde's in trouble.

She took it all down.

Did you just scream like a girl?

No.

What happened to my lavender-scented candle?

Did you just say "What happened to my lavender-scented candle?"

No.

Oh, okay. So I made appointments with all the doctors in your address book because I didn't know which one was the "'woo-woo" doctor.

You know what? Stay out of my stuff.

I'll take care of things myself

'cause you obviously aren't responsible enough to handle it.

Oh, Kelso, you're here. Um...

Hey, can I borrow your van for a little experiment?

No.

Oh, I thought you were gonna say yes.

Oh, my God.

Is that my steering wheel? It's the biggest piece I could find.

Listen, Kelso, I am so sorry. I...

I took the van to Mount Hump, and I forgot to set the parking brake and I'm just really sorry.

The horn doesn't honk any more.

Look, you know, at first it seemed okay because you melted my G.I. Joe, but I mean it's not as bad as destroying a van.

So I don't... I don't know why I just said that.

I don't know what to say. Well, I do.

You know, I called Michael irresponsible, but he's not.

You are. You're an irresponsible, twitchy little man.

Okay, please. Just don't bump me with that thing.

Okay, wait. If he's irresponsible, that means I'm the good one.

I'm the good one now!

Yeah, he's obviously the dumb one of your group.

Yeah, he really is.

Red Forman, don't you dare throw those shoes away.

I just can't keep them, Kitty.

Every time I wear them, I'll feel Bob touching my feet.

Are you throwing away my shoes?

No, no. No, no. He's not throwing away your shoes.

He is getting rid of that pesky new shoe smell by rubbing old food on them.

I'm throwing them away, Bob.

Look, I appreciate the thought.

No, well, that's not true.

I mean, shoes are a weird gift to give another man.

I mean, what's next? A weekend in Cancun?

Okay, fine. I bought the shoes for myself, but they pinch my toes, so I decided to pawn them off on you as a gift.

You were just trying to screw me over?

Well, I can respect that.

Thanks for the shoes, Bob.

See, I have a friend.

No, no. This is not the way friends act.

He was gonna throw away your present, Bob.

Come on, Kitty. I gave him shoes.

That's weird.

I'm surprised you didn't punch me in the face right then.

I almost did.

Jackie, what the hell? Why did you take everything down?

You said, "Take everything down."

Well, you didn't have to. You said, "You have to."

I didn't mean it. You said, "I mean it."

Look, just put it all back. Not until you admit you loved it.

Jackie, who cares who's right or wrong here?

Isn't the important thing that you make me happy?

Who are you talking to? Do you even know me?

Fine, I loved it.

And?

The twinkle lights were breathtaking.

And?

The scented candles made me feel like Laura Ingalls.

All right, that's it.

We need to find another place to get married.

I just wrote out, "You are cordially invited to Mount Hump."

And I died a little inside.

Well, then, I guess we should also rule out the scenic banks of Nipple Creek.

Where is Michael?

You know, whenever he tells me he has a surprise for me, it makes me a little nervous.

Oh, it's probably just because the last time he said that to you, you got pregnant.

So what do you think?

I think Barbie's probably worried sick that her convertible's missing.

I thought you were getting another van.

Oh, so did I, but then I saw this baby down at the police auction and I knew it was destined to be mine.

Well, hey, man. Can I give you some money?

No, it was pretty cheap. Some guy got stabbed in it.

So nobody else bid on it. It's pretty sweet, huh?

It's freaking awesome!

Is it the car or are you more handsome?

It's the car.

And I'm more handsome.

Michael, don't you think it's a little impractical?

Impractical? More like, imperfecticable.

I mean, this thing is totally baby-friendly.

Remind me again how it's baby-friendly?

'Cause it's tiny just like a baby.

Barbie, you are gross, but I still love you.

Really? Even though my face has melted off?

Yes.

But your perfect plastic boobs remain untouched jewels.

Oh! Can my twin sister watch?

Why just watch? There's plenty of Joe to go around.

I didn't see you.