That '70s Show S6E12 Script

Sally Simpson (2004)

Hey, guys.

This is my co-cadet at the Police Academy, Suzy Simpson.

Simpson, these are my friends.

Take a good look, 'cause you'll probably be arresting some of them in the future.

You're right!

This one looks like the guy in the "What Drugs Can Do to You" filmstrip.

So you're a cop, huh?

You don't look like a cop.

You look kind of giggly.

All right, Simpson needed to give me a ride home, 'cause I sprayed myself with mace to see what it'd feel like.

Hey, so, Suzy, which Charlie's Angel is your favorite?

The brainy one? The sporty one?

Or the one that just can't find a bra?

Mine's the one that just can't find a bra.

Charlie's Angels are an embarrassment to the badge.

No real cop would last a day dressed like those sluts.

Hey! Those sluts are my heroes!

Hey, thanks for giving me a ride, Simpson.

We back up our own.

Point Place Police Corps Free Safe Streets!

What's her problem with Charlie's Angels?

Ugh, I bet she watches PBS.

So you and Simpson been friends for almost two days now, huh?

Isn't it about time you got her pregnant?

No! It's different with me and Simpson.

For the first time ever, I have a girl that's just a friend.

Like, when Simpson talks, I actually listen instead of watching her boobs go up and down.

Kelso. You've finally gotten past the stage where you have to look at every woman's chest.


Not exactly. I'm looking at yours right now.

And may I say, congratulations to you.

You're such a perv.

And thank you.

Oh, hey.

What took you guys so long at the heart doctor's?

Oh, let me guess. You had to call in a specialist just to find Dad's tiny heart.

You know, we could call in a specialist to find my foot in your ass.

"We're going to need an ass-foot-ologist, stat."

Your father's blood pressure is still high, and the doctor can't figure out why.

So he wants to send some moron over to find the source of my stress.

And I said, "The source of my stress

"is when you quacks try to pad my medical bill."

And then the machine went "Beep", and the appointment was over.

You know, I don't know what you're so worried about.

They're just going to blame me.

Shrinks love to blame the wife.

What do they know? They're barely doctors.

A stuffed animal and a box of tissues could do their job.

Why is Red so stressed?

It's a mystery.

Just like when Nancy Drew had to figure out why the man in the clock tower was so mean to his cat.

What did she find out?

Oh, I don't know, books are too long.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right Hello, Wisconsin!

Hi! I'm the stress management specialist, Stuart Sutcliffe. Sutcliffe!

You played tight end for the Packers!

Yeah, till I bent my knee sideways.

Actually, that happened to me in the school musical.

I was a dancing mushroom.

Anyway, long story short...

I finished the number.

This is my son, Eric.

Oh, oh, and I am his loving, relaxing wife, Kitty.

How about that.

A real, live Packer in the house.

Well, I hope the fact that you both love sports doesn't mean that anyone, like, say, his wife would be judged unfairly. I mean, I love sports, so...

So don't start me off with four strikes in the last quarter of the Super Series!

No, no. Today I'm just a neutral observer with a degree in Family Therapy and Alcohol Awareness.

So, Dad, you can talk to him about sports, and, Mom, you can talk to him about drinking.

Oh, pooh!

I was instructed by the doctor to have the occasional medicinal cocktail.

I have a note.

Red, how do you feel about Kitty's drinking?

Makes things easier.

But drinking often adds a lot of stress to a household.

If you will excuse me, I'd rather not stay here and listen to you blame me.

Mother hater!

Well, I hope nobody minds if I record today's session.

Yay, this is your lucky day, son.

They say the camera adds 15 pounds.


I heard it also adds a full head of hair.

Hey, Kitty. You busy?

No. Red and I are just having our marriage dissected by a teetotaling know-it-all!

Oh. Then is now a good time to tell Red I broke his chainsaw?

No, he'll be furious with you.

Yes. He will be furious with you!

Come with me.

So then, all the mushrooms jitterbug.

Stuart, Stuart.

This is Bob, the stress causer.

Bob broke Red's chainsaw.

Bob, meet Stuart. Stuart, blame Bob.

Red, how do you feel about Bob?

Does he cause you stress?

Not really. Bob's just kind of goofy.

Like a cartoon. Like living next to Elmer Fudd.

That may be the nicest thing you've ever said about me.

You wascal.

Oh, so, fine.

Now you're best friends. Now everyone's all happy, and I look like the crazy one, just yelling and screaming in the middle of the living room.

Well, I am not the crazy one, even though I am yelling and screaming in the middle of the living room!

Is that a camera?

Yes. I'm recording today's session.

Well, isn't that just something I didn't know.

Michael. We got issued our cop sunglasses.

I've been using them to scare the crap out of civilians all day.

Drop the records, punk!

I wasn't stealing them.

Yes, I was.

Fez, this is Suzy Simpson. She and I are training to be cops.

Oh, if there's more like you at the Police Academy, that Academy deserves an award.

Academy Award, that's funny.

Yeah, Simpson's wanted to be a cop for, like, forever.

Yeah, it's because of the weapons, mostly.

I love things that make a lot of noise.

Guns and boys.

Well, then, load me up, baby, 'cause I'm ready to go bang.

Well, I'd better go. I've gotta stop at the candy store.

All right. Wait.

You like candy?

Yeah. I'm out of Good & Plenty.

It says on the box that there's plenty, but it's never enough. But it's never enough.

Jinx! One, two, three, four, five, you owe me a Coke!

That is the woman I've been searching for my whole life.

Hey, do you want me to see if she likes you?

Kelso, we've been down that road.

Just give me her address, some binoculars, and I'll handle the rest myself.

Now, while we're filming, let's just pretend the camera's not even here.

Now, you're going to interact, I'm going to write down my observations.

While you're writing down stuff, would you mind autographing this football?

It's brand-new, kid never touched it.

Hey, what's going on?

Dude, we're on TV.

Does this thing work?

Hey, Steven, point it at me.

Good morning, Dallas!

I'm Jackie Sunshine with your morning weather!

It is going to be sunny today, so you ladies who let yourselves go this winter, stay inside and leave the fellows to us pretty girls.

Please stop touching my camera.

Well, what a lovely day here in the household of the Formans.

I can't say there's a place I'd rather be than with these kinds of people in this kind of place.

What are you, Scarlett O'Hara, now?

I am being soft and gracious. Now, clam it!

Mom, you know, they have talkies now.

Oh, forget it.

I give up. Where is the off button on this thing?

Mrs. Forman, I need to see things as they happen!

This silly... Oopsie!

All right, you clock this lady doing 38 in a 35 zone.

Recite it and write it.

License and registration, ma'am.

Use the glasses, they're powerful.

It's like a gun you wear on your face.

Licence and registration, ma'am.

Oh, that felt good.

Guess what?

I know someone who likes you and thinks that you're cute and smart and funny.

Well, I think I know who you're talking about and I like him, too.

Well, what do you like about him?

I like how hot he looks sitting across from me in a blue t-shirt eating a hot dog.

You just described me.

Oh, crap.

Man, I thought Simpson was different.

She's supposed to just be my buddy.

Now I'm going to have to sleep with her.

No, Michael, no. Set her up with Fez.

He's the one who likes her.

Yeah, Fez needs something, man.

The guy's so desperate, he's been rubbing himself around the couch like a cat.

What you need to do is put them together in a romantic situation.

Suzy may not like Fez at first, but he won't take "No" for an answer.

He's like one freaky, horny little dude.

Just ask the couch.

Hey, I was thinking maybe tomorrow you could help me brush up on my target practice.

It's a date.

Yeah, I'd be there, you'd be there...

On a date.

So, I'll see you at the shooting range.

For our date.

Your first date with Suzy's all set up, and she told me that she's crazy about you.

Well, I'd like to say I'm surprised, but I'm a little crazy about me, too!

Well, it's all set.

Fez is going on a date with Suzy, who's going on a date with me, and doesn't know she's going on a date with Fez.

I'm ready for our date, Michael.

I'm ready for our date, Suzy.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Such a shame you won't be able to film anymore.

Look, there's one last exercise I want to try.

Role-playing. All right, go.

All right. Now, you're going to be Eric.

Eric, you're going to be your father.

Mr. Forman, you can start.


I'm just a skinny, smart-mouthed kid who always has something to say about everything.

And I wish I was an octopus so I could put eight feet in eight different asses!

Star Wars, Star Wars, Star Wars!

Dead commies, dead commies, dead commies!

All right, time out, time out!

I think I know what the problem is.

All right, fine. I drink a little.


I have a very difficult job, and I come home at night, and, well...

Drinks are her nightly reward.

Mrs. Forman, I believe the source of your husband's stress is...

Oh, here it comes.

...your son.

Him? Me?

It's not me? Oh, boy!

You think my problem is my own son?

My son is a fine young man.

Wow, Dad, you don't have... Shut up, dumb ass.

You know less about my family than you do about football!

Which isn't saying much, since you dropped every pass that came near you!

And let me tell you something else.

When a real Packer hurts his leg, he stuffs his kneecap back in and keeps on running!

That's what this little mushroom would have done.

I love this place.

The sweet smell of gunpowder, the deafening boom of shotgun blasts...

Oops. That kind of talk's more appropriate for the bedroom. I apologize.

Knock, knock?

Who's there? Ivan! Ivan who?

Ivan awful lot of candy for the both of us!


Well, if it's not me, then there's some lucky bastard who looks just like me.

Michael, I thought it was just going to be you, me and a box of hot lead!

Well, it's even better.

It's you, me and a box of hot Fez.

Kelso, this wasn't part of the deal.

What wasn't part of the deal?

You! So beat it.

I want her to smell nothing but me.


You know what, I'm kind of in the way.

I'm going to go next door, and maybe you can show Fez how to shoot.

Try to close the deal before she realizes you're a foreigner.

So, where do we start?

I could rifle through the manual, but why don't you just give me the bullet points?

Fez, I never joke about guns.

Oh. Shoot.

I have no discipline.


You're gonna just take aim and squeeze gently.

Here, put these on and take a few shots.

I'm just going to go check on Michael so he's not alone.


Oh, yeah, I mixed a bunch of different ones and, you know, I make my own scent.

Hey, Michael.

Do you want me to hold your shoulders while you shoot, or maybe square off your thighs?

You know whose thighs need squaring off?


Yeah, bad.

Oh, and by the way, he also told me that he thinks you're really nice.

Oh, well, he's nice, too.

And now that I can understand some of what he's saying, he's kind of charming.

Oh, look, a rabbit.

I love animals.

You know who really loves animals?


He does? Yeah.

The bunny!

I got dinner!

And then my dad actually gave me a compliment.

"My son's a fine young man."

That's, like, the most loving thing he's said to me since he told me that I could be worse.

Are you sure Red was talking about you?

I mean, I love you, but you are a little high maintenance.

And not in a good way like me.

Remember when it took Red all summer to teach you how to catch a ball

'cause you were too scared of it?

First, Red had him look at a picture of a ball.

Then he put him in a room with a ball.

And then he moves him closer until he wasn't screaming being right next to the ball.

What is so scary about a ball?

It's that... People throw it right at you, okay?

I'm sorry about what I did to that poor bunny.

I guess my gun really had a "hare" trigger, huh?

Too soon? Yes, too soon.

Well, I apologize for ruining our first date.

Our first date?

No, I was there on a date with Michael.

What? No, no, he told me we were on a date.

He told me we were on a date.

You and me "we," or he and you "we"?

I think one of us has been lied to.

And the other one, too!

Well, then, you should be very angry, which means I am, too!

Hey, why don't you two kiss and make up?

Michael, what kind of game are you playing, inviting me on a date that wasn't with you?

Yeah, I second that, but about her, and add, "You son of a bitch!"

Okay, look, I have a really good explanation for this.

But I left it at home.

Oh, Dad.

Uh, about what you said to the stress management guy.

I just wanted to say thanks.

Okay, okay. You said it.

We're both embarrassed, now move along.

No, I mean, look, I could be a little less of a smart ass.

And you're my father.

Your life matters to me.

So, anyway, Dad, I... Eric, If you say "I love you," my heart is going to explode.

Ah, kitty, uh, what's for dinner?

Well, the camera's off, so I'm having a margarita with salt.

You two are on your own.


So, this is where you go after a hard day of screwing me over!

All right, look, Fez, I'm really sorry.

Zip it, fool!

You stole my girl.

And I really need a girl.

Here, Fez.

You're probably going to want some personal time with the couch.

I even plumped up the pillows for you.

No, I cannot be in the same room with him.

You and I are through.

Now good day.

But, Fez...

Fez? He said, "But, Fez."

Oh, I heard him.

Well, now you're supposed to say...

"I say good day."

Yeah, and then we all know that you're really mad, but eventually, you'll get over it.

Oh, you'd like that.

"Dance, monkey, dance."

Well, Kelso, this monkey don't dance no more.

But, Fez...

I said, "Good day!" Arrrh!

Wow, Fez, it was so nice of you to make dinner for us.

Yeah, this is amazing.

Well, food always tastes better when it's fresh.

So, what is this, anyway?

Well, let's just say that the Easter Bunny came early this year,

so I shot him.