That '70s Show S6E13 Script

Won't Get Fooled Again (2004)

So, Fez thought he was on a date with Suzy, and he shot a rabbit to impress her.

Doesn't he know he could've just bought her flowers?

Oh! I would die if you got me flowers.

You'd be lucky to get a dead rabbit.

Suzy, why would Fez think you'd like a dead rabbit?

Are you from the South or something?

No, I think he did it because he knows that as a cop, I like to spill blood.

But I wanna hurt people, not animals.

You know what? This is my fault.

I never should have told Fez that you liked him when you liked me.

If only there was something I could do to make him feel better.

I have an idea. Oh, good.

Kelso's gonna make it worse now.

No, just let Fez take you to dinner, and then for dessert, do it with him.

No way. Okay, look.

If you do me this favor, I'll buy you a new gun.

That would make her a hooker.

No, hookers do it for money, this would be for a gun.

Hey, I have standards.

I mean, if it's sleeping with a suspect to extract some information, fine.

Or posing as a prostitute for a quickie in the back of a car to snare some John, sure.

But, jeez, Michael, what kind of girl do you think I am?

Hello, Suzy.

I'd love to stand here and stare at you until you get uncomfortable,

but I have a relationship to end.

Kelso, here's everything you ever gave me.

I don't want it anymore.

Look, Fez, you don't have to do this.

Yeah, Fez, when you split up with someone, you don't have to give stuff back.

You wait until they leave the house, take everything they care about and break the rest.

That way, they have nothing.

Lucky for me, I already have nothing.

Oh, you can have less.

The point is that I don't want anything you gave me.

I never gave you my yo-yo.

So I took it.

And I tangled the string, too.

Let's see you walk the dog now, you son of a bitch.

Are those new birth control pills?

Let the doing it... commence.

Do you have to do that every time?

Donna, if I had the money, I'd take out an ad in the paper.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Never say, "Oh, no," when you're talking about birth control pills.

Anything's better than, "Oh, no."

I forgot to take one.

Except that. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, my God.

One minute, my life's all light and breezy, and the next, I'm shackled to you and some kid.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, my heart is pounding so hard, like in the cartoons when Daisy Duck sees Donald Duck, and her heart goes boom, boom!

But that was a happy thing, and this is 'cause you couldn't keep your dirty hands off me!

Okay, okay, come on, let's... Let's think.

Hey, there's only a couple of times a month something like this can happen, right?

Maybe there's some kind of time-related loophole.

Hey, did we spring forward or fall back?

When we did it? I don't know.

I don't know what you'd call it, but it's the same every time.

Well, I can't be that bad, Donna. I got you pregnant!

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Eric, I can't believe you knocked up a girl, too.

I mean, you lose points for not doing it in a public place, but, hey, give me five.

Kelso, I don't really think this is a "give me five" moment, okay?

I am really freaked out.

Well, right now, I'm not so much freaked out as starving and fascinated by your nose.

Yeah, it's perfect.

And you'd be amazed at what I can fit up in there.

But the important thing is that you have responsibilities now.

So, you gotta step up like I did.

Look, if you mean you stepped up on a urinal to climb out of a window to get away from the girl you got pregnant, then, yeah, you stepped up.

Still no Fez, huh?

Wow, Kelso, you really must have pissed him off.

He hasn't stayed away this long since he discovered bubble baths.

Yeah, Fez still isn't talking to me.

But I think he's calling, 'cause every once in a while, I pick up the phone and all I hear is breathing and the crinkle of a candy being unwrapped.

Man, we are sitting in the circle talking about relationships.

What happened to us?

This stash must be from California.

Oh, hey, Donna.

Any news? Come on, that time of the month.

No, nothing yet.

Oh, God, I'm gonna throw up.

I told you we should have gone to Denny's.

Oh, yeah, Donna, let's not talk about throwing up in front of the customers.

Ma'am, here's your creamed corn.

I got no interest in getting a lady pregnant.

That's why I'm celibate.

I thought it was because no one would do it with you.

Well, that's like a secondary reason.

Look, Donna, we're gonna figure this out, okay?

Hey, you know what? We can ask my mom.

She's a nurse. She loves this stuff. Mmm-mmm.

Well, at least once a week she gives a talk about her uterus.

Eric, I don't want your mom to know.

Donna's right. There's no reason to let too many people know just yet.

Who have you told so far?

Well, just my friends and this nice couple.

Okay, look, so I'll just tell you what my mom says, okay?

Okay, just make sure she doesn't know you're talking about us.

Tell her you have a friend, a Canadian friend, who lives in an igloo so she can't call her.

Donna, I think I know how to be subtle.

Mommy, Mommy, Donna might be pregnant!

Did she trap you? We'll move you away. We won't play her game.

No. No, it's nothing like that. It's just, I had to tell someone.

Hey, promise me you won't say anything to Dad.

Fine, I promise.

Oh, this is all my fault.

I should never have been intimate with your father while you were in the crib next to the bed.

Hey, Fez.

Look, I don't think he wants to make up.

Well, try anyway.

I got your back, your strong, muscular back.

Fez, look, I got you some candy and a Playboy and a six-pack.

So...

You can use them in whatever order you want.

Tell him what they're for.

In a tense standoff, you need to make the perp think you're on his side, even if you're about to put a bullet in his head.

Don't worry, we're not.

They're a peace offering.

Well...

Look at the American trying to buy his way out of trouble.

Fez, give Michael a chance.

You know what? No, Simpson, forget it.

Fez, you're the one that blew it with Suzy, okay?

I didn't know you were gonna shoot a defenseless rabbit.

Well, if you didn't know that, then you never knew me at all.

Whatever.

You know what? I don't care if you're mad at me, 'cause now I'm mad at you!

Fine! Well, you can keep your stupid gifts, because now I don't want them!

If you must know, it will be this, then this.

So, you knocked up the neighbor girl?

Oh, my God.

You should have been thinking a little more about God before you got into this mess.

He would've stopped you at first base.

Mom, you promised you wouldn't say anything.

And I didn't, I wrote it down.

So, you're pregnant.

Okay, well...

Okay, we'll move the wedding to next month, and then nine months later, we'll tell people the baby came early because you smoked.

No, I don't wanna move the wedding up.

Don't we get a say in this?

Red, say something.

Donna, he's not gonna help us.

Right now he's trying to figure out how to get both of his feet in both of our asses without leaving his chair.

Stop being weird.

We'll just have to make the best of this.

Besides, with Donna for a mother, there's a decent chance the kid will be good at sports.

Well, Donna, I think you're too young to be a mother, so here's what we do.

Tell the kid you're his sister, Midge and I are the parents, and when he turns 18, tell him we lied.

Probably get a good chuckle out of the whole thing.

Eric, a little help.

Okay, you guys...

Okay, whether we're pregnant or not, we can run our own lives, okay? Yeah.

And you know what? It would have been great if Donna could have had a career, but things change.

So, you know... Fine, so, you'll stay home with the baby.

Whoa.

What?

So, I don't get a career?

Well, you know, you could sell Tupperware or something.

Okay, you can just get bent.

What... Oh, come on, what did I say?

That wasn't so bad, was it?

No, I would love a Tupperware lady in the family.

Oh, hey, Jackie, have you seen Donna? Is she okay?

Well, she wanted me to tell you a secret.

Okay. Ow!

Hey, guys. Ooh, what stinks out here?

It must be this big, girl-stealing turd.

All right, that's it.

Let's go. Oh, I will slap you silly.

Oh!

Stop.

Hey, look, Jackie's right, all right?

If you guys are gonna fight, let's go inside where there's more stuff to hit your head on.

Come on, you guys, lots of couples fight, but there's an easy way to fix this.

Just decide which one of you is the woman, and the other one just apologize.

No, I don't wanna make up with Kelso.

I wanna make fun of Kelso.

Hey, guys, what's up with Kelso? Stupid.

Hey, guys, what's up with Fez? Foreign.

Okay, you guys, this is getting pretty lame.

Let's split into two groups.

Good idea. Boys and girls.

Let's go, Jackie. What?

How you doing, kid? Fine.

I don't know.

Scared.

Just know that whether you're pregnant or not, you're still my little girl.

I support you.

Thanks, Dad.

But if you are pregnant, don't let Red touch the baby.

He thinks he's tickling, but he just pokes.

Trust me, I know from experience.

Well, Dad, maybe Red wasn't trying to tickle you.

Maybe he was trying to poke you.

Why would Red poke me?

Why would he tickle you?

Fez, since you're mad at Michael, shouldn't you be cutting his head out of those pictures instead of your head?

Well, I can't do that. Have you seen how well he photographs?

Fez, I can't believe you're gonna let it end this way.

I always thought you and Michael would make it.

Well, we look good in public, but you weren't there for the bad times.

Like, he never noticed when I got a new outfit.

Look, Fez, just do what I did to get over Michael.

Make out with Hyde?

No, just stop thinking about him.

I can't.

Even The Hub reminds me of him.

I remember this one day, it was the only day The Hub ever had Tater Tots.

And there was this really big Tater Tot, and I'll never forget what Kelso said. He said, "That's not a Tater Tot, that's a Tater Giant."

Oh, how we laughed.

Fez, Michael took me for granted, too, but I found someone better, and so will you.

Yeah, don't end it all now. You have so much to live for.

That's what we say when we're trying to talk down a jumper.

I guess it doesn't really apply here.

You know, I'm glad Fez is out of my life.

Always with the mood swings.

I'd ask what's wrong, and all I'd hear was, "Nothing."

And then, the minute I wanna watch the game, suddenly it's time to talk about our feelings.

Women.

Actually, we're talking about a man.

Oh, you guys are progressive.

But the thing is, I know I didn't do anything wrong, but where am I gonna find another friend like Fez?

Look, man, there are plenty of other fish in the sea, okay?

It's like when you and Jackie broke up. It was for the best.

And after a while, she found someone better.

Me.

And since then, I've enjoyed throwing that in your face as often as possible.

What was your question again?

Oh, my God, great news!

Donna's not pregnant.

She's not talking to me, and she kind of hung up on me, but that click and dead silence was the most beautiful sound I ever heard.

Well, what a relief.

But you and I are still having a good long talk about the uterus.

Man, dodged a bullet there, huh?

Almost had a little... A little dumb ass running around here, huh?

I'm gonna go throw up now.

You know, you have been awfully calm about this whole thing.

You haven't threatened to put a foot in anyone's rear all day.

Well, I...

I guess I was kind of looking forward to having a grandkid.

I mean, since my heart attack, I've realized that life is short, and it would be... It would be nice to know my grandkids before I go.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Well, you know, if you're really disappointed, we could always ask Laurie.

She might have a few kids we don't know about.

Simpson, I'm here. Where is the cat on the trampoline?

Sorry, Michael, there is no cat.

Is there at least a trampoline?

Please, have a seat.

Tater Tots.

You know, the last time The Hub had Tater Tots was when...

Suzy, I got your message. Where's that bouncing kitty?

What's he doing here?

Okay, I've called you here because it's time you two talked things over.

And I've used Tater Tots to recreate one of your happiest times together.

Oh, look, there's a really big one.

That's not a Tater Tot, that's a Tater Giant.

I look at your jumbo Tot and I feel nothing.

I, too, resist your Tot.

Oh, come on.

Michael, Fez is a great guy, he's...

He's loyal and sweet and innocent.

And Fez, Michael's great, too.

He's pure and strong and more man than I've ever seen in one pair of pants.

Hey, he's not so pure.

He's expecting a baby with another woman.

What?

Well, he's not so innocent. He's married.

What?

Oh, my God, you're both disgusting!

I don't want either one of you.

And you really missed out, because I spent a semester in France, and I do stuff American girls think is gross.

Whoa, what was that about?

Yeah, she's flipping out 'cause someone she likes is married or having an illegitimate child.

What's she gonna do when there's real trouble?

Yeah, we're better off without her. Yeah.

Wait. We?

Ah.

I guess I've missed you.

Really? Man, 'cause I've missed you, too.

Well, I wasn't trying to steal her. I wanted her to be with you.

That's okay, I'd rather have my friend back anyway.

Do you wanna...

I do if you do.

I do.

j& Reunited and it feels so good j& Reunited 'cause we understood j& There's one perfect fit j& And, sugar, this one is it j& We both are so excited j& 'Cause we're reunited, hey, hey j&

We are so lucky.

I mean, it's obvious we're not ready to be parents.

What would we do?

Hey, anything you want.

And by the way, when I said you could sell Tupperware, that was just, like, code for, "You could be President of the United States."

I don't believe you, but I'm too relieved to be mad.

I'll probably bring it up when we're having a fight about something else.

Listen, Donna, all I know is we can never make this mistake again.

Yeah, don't worry, I think we learned our lesson.

Hurry up, Donna, you're... You're cutting into your foreplay time.

One second.

Oh, no! What, what?

Just kidding.

That's not funny, Donna.

I can't even do it now.

Yes, I can.

What would a French girl do that an American girl would think is gross?

It could be anything. They eat snails.

Hey, maybe it's foot stuff.

Foot stuff? What would you do to a foot?

I don't know, like, lick it or something?

What is wrong with you?

What are you, some kind of foot-licker?

No! I wouldn't lick. I would get licked.

Oh, God! Why did I say that?