That '70s Show S6E14 Script

Baby Don't You Do It (2004)

It's been, like, an hour and my dad is still upstairs talking to your folks.

Our pregnancy scare must have really freaked them out.

Yeah, well, that's because "pregnancy" is one of the scariest words in the English language.

Right after "monster" and "broccoli."

Well, I'm not pregnant.

Everything's fine, so I'm sure our parents will calm down soon.

Hey, fornicators, upstairs!

Oh, God, we're dead. You know what?

None of this would have happened if you hadn't insisted on sleeping with me.

I insisted?

You wouldn't give me my wallet back.

Look, we're in this together.

You were there, too.

Or was I?

The Jedi mind trick doesn't work in real life, dink.

Or does it?

Oh, hey, what's shaking, gang?

Certainly not Donna's belly from being pregnant, right?

You're not funny, you're a sinner.

Now, sit.

We have decided that you two need premarital counseling at church.

Premarital? Counseling? Church?

Why am I talking like a Speak & Spell?

Dad, you think this is a good idea?

No. I suggested we get him fixed like a dog.

Counseling can be extremely beneficial.

I knew two boys who were about to marry their sweethearts.

One boy went to counseling and one didn't.

And the one who didn't go to counseling died.

I'll tell you, if Midge and I had counseling, it might have saved our marriage.

Of course, not sleeping with degenerates from the pool hall would have helped, too.

So, you want us to go to counseling?

Mom, where do you even come up with this stuff?

It wasn't my idea.

Steven was thoughtful enough to suggest it.

You're welcome.

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Okay, you guys, this church counseling idea is really crappy.

Would you listen to the language on this kid?

What he needs is church, and lots of it.

You know, Eric, you may not think that you need counseling, but maybe Donna does.

No, she doesn't.

Well, actually, I think counseling might help us work through some of our issues before we get married.

We don't have issues.

Yes, we do. Do. No, we don't. Don't.

Okay, see?

You don't do the "do, don't" if you don't have issues, which you do.

Okay, Dad, how can you think this is a good idea?

You always say to take care of family business at home.

I am taking care of business at home.

Because if you two don't do this, do you know what it's going to be like living with your mother?

Just more of a delight every day, is what.

Well, come on, Eric. We'll learn stuff about each other.

For instance, what if one day I get a high-paying job in California?

Will you move? Whoa.

Why can't I get the high-paying job?

Okay, what if you get a high-paying job? Will I move?

No, who am I kidding? I'm not getting a high-paying job.

All right, civilians.

Hide your stashes. Officer-in-training Kelso's back from the Academy.

I've got to be honest, man.

Every day you come home with all your fingers, I die a little inside.

Michael, you got another D on a test?

Is this your fourth D in a row?

Yeah.

It's just on the penal code stuff.

"Criminals have a right to an attorney."

"Criminals are innocent until proven guilty."

Just crazy liberal gibberish.

What are you laughing at?

He said "penal code."

Fez, it doesn't mean that.

It's from the word "penalty." Penal.

You're like a four-year-old.

It's a legal term. "Penal."

It's kind of funny.

Hey, guys. Hey, Michael.

How'd your penal code test go?

I did great. I got another B.

Oh, that's your fourth B in a row.

Yeah.

I'm so proud of you. Can I see it?

Uh...

You could, but I didn't write anything down because the test was oral.

Oral test on the penal code!

So, are you free this afternoon?

I thought maybe we could do something.

How about go-carting?

How about putting together a crib?

Does the crib have wheels?

Yeah. Then I'm in.

Great. I'll meet you outside.

Bye, guys. Bye.

Hey, Michael, how come you told Library Barbie you got Bs instead of Ds?

Look, some people bring flowers.

Some people buy chocolates.

I lie about my intelligence.

But it's not working.

She's locked up the old funhouse, if you know what I mean.

Michael, no way. She's totally into you.

She changed from clear lip gloss to pink shimmer.

What more does she need to do, shout "I love you" from the rooftops?

Well, she could give me something besides a kiss on the cheek.

It's like kissing your cousin.

Oh, the cousin kiss.

The sexiest of all relative kisses.

Right above big-breasted aunt and sleepy grandma.

Did you just say, "sleepy grandma"?

You telling me you kiss your grandma?

Not my grandma, a grandma.

Sick bastard.

I've got to say, I'm excited about marriage counseling.

I'm looking forward to hearing from a third party that I'm right about everything.

Oh, and I want my marriage to Eric to be magical.

I know how you could do that.

Marry someone besides Eric.

Hey, I'll see you guys later.

I got someplace I really need to be.

Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

Had someplace I really needed to be.

Okay, so get this.

I don't want counseling, Donna does.

So we're going.

I'll tell you, ever since we got engaged, she's been treating me like some kind of child.

Oh, where's my toy surprise?

Kelso, watch it with that gun, man.

Oh, relax, Eric. It's not a gun, it's a flare gun.

Yeah, tomorrow's Flare Day at the Academy, so we're learning how to use these.

Besides, they're totally safe. All they do is shoot balls of fire.

Kelso, I don't think you should be playing with fire when we're all...

Never mind.

Man, I've got to stop hitting two circles in one day.

I could swear I just saw a ball of fire shoot through this room.

Zowie!

Okay, so what brings you to counseling?

A firm tug on the old ball and chain, if you know what I mean.

What Eric is trying to say is we wanted to talk to someone about the pitfalls of marriage.

And we have some little issues.

For example, Eric sometimes likes to talk too much about Star Wars.

I understand.

You do?

See, this is great.

Yeah, Star Wars is the greatest movie of all time.

It's hard not to talk about Star Wars.

Wow! This is great!

Oh. Oh, no.

I can't believe you've seen Star Wars!

Well, I like to stay current with pop culture so that I can connect with the youth I counsel.

Say, how about that disco?

Disco kind of blows.

I agree.

Blow on, disco. Blow on.

Can we get back to me and Eric, please?

Because sometimes I feel like we're racing toward this wedding, and we're not even enjoying it as much as we could be.

Hmm, I see.

Like in Star Wars, when Luke, much like the two of you, wasn't the pilot of his own future.

But he was a great pilot.

He used to bull's-eye womp rats... In his T-16 back home!

I should be marrying you.

I thought this was a counseling session, not a dork-off.

I'm sorry, Donna.

Okay, look, instead of talking about what worries you about marriage, let's talk about what excites you about marriage.

Oh. Okay, well...

Hmm. That's weird. I can't really think of anything.

You can't think of anything?

Well, hang on. Give me a second.

Nope. Nothing.

Well, one thing young newlyweds usually get excited about, and that's having sexual relations for the first time.

I'm sure you're both looking forward to that.

Oh... Yeah, that's...

Unless, of course, you've already had sex.

Premarital sex.

What? Huh?

Pre-what-ital-who?

I mean, come on, look at me.

Do I look like some guy who's had sex? I mean... Ugh! Right?

You're seeing pictures of what's left of the Point Place Police Academy auditorium, where a fire broke out today.

I hope Kelso's okay.

Yeah, I know he was there 'cause today was Flare Day.

Today was Flare Day!

Hey, what's up?

Okay, fine. I was at the Academy when the auditorium burnt down, but it totally wasn't my fault.

See, I got there early to practice with my flare gun

'cause I wanted to show Brooke an actual B for a change.

Okay, so far, 0% your fault.

All right, so I accidentally shot off a flare, and it went all...

Like, right underneath the bleachers.

Well, we've just jumped up to about 60% your fault.

Okay, so then I shot off another flare at the first flare

'cause you know what they say. You've got to fight fire with fire.

Yeah, this is now, like, 99% your fault.

So then I shot off another flare to warn people about the fire.

But that one just went right up and on the roof, and that's when I just got the hell out of there.

$5? For Pete's sakes, God doesn't drive a Cadillac.

You know, in these times of loose morals, even my faith gets challenged, much like Han Solo's faith in his sometimes unreliable Millennium Falcon.

Which is why I'm so pleased to recently meet a young engaged couple who have turned their backs on temptation, despite the lure of premarital sex.

Oh, no. Oh, God. Oh, no.

So here they are, Eric Forman and Donna Pinciotti.

Please stand.

Oh, look, it's Eric and Donna.

Did everyone know they're virgins?

I think I want to be a virgin, too.

Hey, everyone, I'm a virgin!

Well, I said it, so it must be true.

Okay, I know this seems really bad, but I got a really simple way to fix this.

Just start going to a different church.

Hey, how about that one where they sing more and let you marry, like, six people?

Hey, Red, tell me the story about how Eric and Donna had to stand up in front of the whole church and pretend to be virgins.

Once upon a time, two dumb asses went to church and brought shame upon their entire family.

And their father had to hear about it the whole damn car ride home!

That is a great story.

It's scary, but it's funny, too.

What I don't understand is how you can lie to a pastor in church.

Well, Mrs. Forman, what about the time you lied to Pastor Dan?

You told him your dog ate your bake sale cookies, but you didn't bake them 'cause you were too busy sipping Kahlua and watching that Paul Newman retrospective.

I did not lie to Pastor Dan in church.

I lied to him at the market, and at the market, he is just a regular man.

Now, you two march back to church and tell him the truth.

And for your information, Donna, Kahlua is barely a drink.

It's like root beer.

So I can't believe the Police Academy caught fire. What happened?

Huge mystery.

Like, what part of the cow is the hot dog?

Maybe Kelso's just too traumatized to remember.

I think he needs help filling in the blanks, like...

"The fire was started with a 'blank' gun

"by a 'blanking' idiot named 'blank'-O."

Hey, Brooke, could you wait outside for a minute?

Mrs. Forman has this rule that there's only...

One, two, three, four...

Five people in the kitchen at one time.

Well, there are five people here. That's why you need to leave.

But you said no more than five. Right.

But I'm number five. Exactly.

So I'll just wait outside, then? Attagirl.

Hey, Jackie, I suspect Kelso hasn't told Brooke that he burned down the Police Academy.

Interesting. I suspect you're right, Steven.

Fez, what do you think?

I think I smell cookies.

All right, fine, so I haven't told her.

But the only reason she likes me is 'cause I'm doing well at the Academy.

Michael, you can't start a relationship based on a huge lie.

You have to start off fresh, and then gently sprinkle in the lies as you go along.

A relationship is like a cookie and the lies are the tasty chocolate chips.

Where are the cookies, damn it?

Okay, what did you want to tell me?

Well, you see, Pastor Dan, when we were here before and you had asked us about premarital sex, we might have...

We lied, okay?

We have had sex zillions of times.

I used to try to keep track on a pad, but it got unwieldy. Oh, God.

Eric!

Well, I'm sorry, Donna, but we are knocking on hell's door, and I ain't going in!

Eric, you're not going to hell.

Well, you might be. I don't know you that well.

I just think you're depriving yourselves of that wonderful moment when marriage is cemented by giving the gift of yourselves.

Wow. I never thought about it that way.

Maybe that's why you couldn't figure out the whole excitement about marriage.

The one thing you should have been looking forward to, you had already experienced.

Maybe you knew that without realizing it.

Um...

I don't mean to bring up Star Wars again...

This is a lot like Luke before he discovered the Force.

Exactly.

And what is the Force in real life?

Wow.

Brooke, I've got to tell you something.

I burnt down the Police Academy auditorium.

See, this flare just got away from me.

And then there was another flare that was on purpose, but a bad idea, and a final warning flare that I now realize was unnecessary

'cause the fire itself was a pretty big flare.

Well, Michael, I'm glad you were honest with me, because I kind of have a secret, too.

You have a twin sister that loves threesomes.

No, no.

I've stopped myself from getting close to you because I didn't know if I could trust you.

I knew you were lying about the Police Academy fire because...

Well, your friends kind of gave it away in the kitchen.

Also, Fez took me aside today and just told me,

and kind of tried to kiss me.

Yeah, he does that.

But you were honest with me, which means I can trust you now.

So, is there anything else you'd like to be honest with me about, like maybe your test grades?

Yeah.

I didn't get four Bs.

I kind of figured.

I got four As. I just didn't want to brag.

Well, we committed seven mortal sins,

and all we got was a half-an-hour lecture.

Yeah.

But still, I want our wedding day to be special.

You know, something we'll remember forever.

You know what? Whatever it takes.

Which is why I think we shouldn't have sex again until we're married.

What? No. What? No.

No, no, no, no, no.

You can't cut me off now. I'm addicted now.

Look, Eric, I know it seems like a crazy idea...

Oh, I see your plan, lady. The first three years are free, huh?

Eric, it'll be great.

When you think about it, it's really similar to Star Wars and staying pure, just like a Jedi.

There's no such thing as Jedi. That's just a stupid movie! God!

Last Sunday, we recognized two congregants for abstaining from sex.

Well, it is my sad duty to report that they were lying!

To me, to their families, to God himself.

So let us correct a great injustice.

Please stand, Eric Forman and Donna Pinciotti.

Amen.