That '70s Show S6E15 Script

Who Are You (2004)

Oh, hey, Donna, about this little celibacy kick we're on, does that cover quickies because I can be really quick.

Well, that's why I call you The Flash.

That's why you call me The Flash?

I thought it was because I was flashy, like an entertainer.

Come on, one little one. You can even watch TV.

Eric, we agreed to hold off until the wedding. It's cleansing.

No, Donna, giving up cigarettes is cleansing, giving up sex is reckless and irresponsible and I think it might cause cancer.

Hey, Jackie, I know since you moved in we agreed to give each other messages as soon as possible and in the spirit of that, your mom called last Tuesday.

But, what? No, she couldn't call, she's in Mexico.

They don't have phones there.

Yeah, they do.

Why would we give them phones?

My dad tried to get back in touch with me once.

Instead of calling, he just left a six-pack in my car.

How did you know it was him? He was passed out on the hood.

Well, I don't have anything to say to my mom.

She ditched me three months ago and that's all I need to know.

Man, that's really sad. It's like a mother and daughter divided.

So, hey, what about some second base action?

What did I tell you about talking about the bases, Flash?

Donna? He doesn't know why.

Jackie, you should cut your mom a break. I think she's charming.

If she calls again, just tell her I don't wanna see her.

Well, that's too bad, 'cause I just picked her up from the airport.

And here I am.

Mom! I love making an entrance.

Be a dear and go watch my luggage. Really? Thanks.

What are you doing here?

Who cares? Welcome to my driveway, pretty lady.

I'm Eric Forman, remember me? Big fan.

Oh, right. My toy poodle, Snowball, almost killed you when you were six.

I was 13, but, yeah.

Ms. Burkhart, Steven Hyde, nice to see you again.

Just thought I'd let you know that Jackie and I are kind of dating now.

Didn't you rob our house?

Well, I was in there a few times at night, but I never took anything.

Ms. Burkhart!

I thought I saw gorgeous flowing hair on bronze shoulders.

And I wasn't near a mirror, so I knew it had to be you.

And I just run where Kelso runs.

Mom, why are you back?

It got rainy in Cabo, so I hopped on a plane.

I wish I was a plane.

Then she could hop on me.

And by hop on me... Yeah, yeah. We got it, Fez.

Wait, let me guess, "rainy in Cabo" is Spanish for "my rich pilot boyfriend ran out of money."

Don't be silly. I don't know any Spanish.

Except for gracias and mas tequila.

I just missed you. Well, I didn't miss you.

And there's the stomp and cry.

See you guys tomorrow.

Ms. Burkhart, I know you and Jackie are working through some difficult stuff, but may I just say, nice tan.

Yeah, it really makes everything pop.

Yeah, I'm popping a little right now.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Why don't we ever have tea?

Well, this sounds like the beginning of a wonderful argument.

Like the stuffing versus mashed potatoes fight.

That turned into, "Why don't I ever take you on vacation?"

Why don't you ever take me on vacation? Oh, crap.

Ugh! Mr. and Mrs. Forman, I don't know what to do.


Not this again. Kitty, make it stop.

Now, be nice, Red.

Her mom finally came home from her cultural tour of Mexico's many fine bars and cantinas.

Why did she have to go all the way to Mexico to drink all day?

Why couldn't she be a good mom and just do it at home like you do?

Well, that's a good question.

And you need to sit down and talk to her about it.

You can do it here, with tea.

We'll have tea. No.

Why does this always happen here?

We're in a recession, there are vacant lots all over the place.

Well, you can go stand in a vacant lot.

We're having a tea party, with crumpets.

I'll find out what they are and we will have them.

Okay, but I don't know if I can look my mom in the eye.

I mean, I never thought I'd say this, but there comes a point when a person is too tan.

Wow, check out this new police academy they're sending me to in Waukegan.

It's got its own pool.

Oh, man, if I had known it was gonna be this nice, I'd have burned down the old one a lot sooner.

Kelso, I'm really going to miss you.

Who's gonna take my lunch money and tease me and pull down my pants in front of girls?

I'll be taking over.

Hey, you're still gonna drive me up there, right?

Oh, man. Well, Jackie has got this heavy thing with her mom, I know she's gonna wanna talk about it a lot.

So, yeah, I'll drive you.

Hey, since Donna cut me off I took the money that I would have spent on a romantic dinner for two and bought me a gross of bottle rockets.

Take that, Pinciotti.

Bottle rockets, all right. Fez, start running.

No, wait, I got a better idea.

After we drop him off, let's stop off at the dairy farm, scare the hell out of some cows.

Ooh, I love cows.

They're the one animal I can run faster than.

No, no, let's go before you drop me off.

That big spotty one needs an attitude adjustment.

Hell, man, it's gotta be at night.

Look, I've launched so much stuff at those cows during the day, I swear they recognize my car.

I can't believe you guys are going without me.

Those cows will never know what hit them.

And even after it hits them, they still won't know.

Because they're cows.

Okay, here. Red. Try this tea.

It'll make you feel British.

Mum's the word, Governor.

Kitty, this is America. We bomb countries that drink tea.

Well, that's because coffee keeps us awake all night, and we wake up in such a bad mood, we have to bomb someone.

Oh, oh! I bet that's Jackie's mom.

I still don't think we should get involved in this.

As far as I'm concerned, this is between Jackie and her ditsy lush of a mom.

Hi, you must be Red. I'm Pam Burkhart.

It's Pam.

You made tea.

Oh, I love tea. So do I.

Wipe your chin, honey, you got some drool.

Thank you both so much for doing this.

You know, when you are as beautiful as I am, it's hard to know who your real friends are.

I'm sorry that you have to go through that.

I'm just hoping that Jackie and I figure out a way to get along.

Well, you've got your low-cut, getting-along sweater on, so...

I bet that'll help.

Hi, honey.

Hi, and by "hi" I mean "not hi," because I'm not talking to you, even though I'm talking now.

So I'm just gonna stop talking, starting now.

Dang it, starting now.

And now.

This is awkward.

Why don't I tell a story about something charming I did in Mexico.

I'd love to hear it.

Okay, well, there was this woman on a beach in Cozumel, and normally I wouldn't talk to someone who had such bad skin.

But she was selling the cutest hair clips, so, here.

You know, I'd tell you this doesn't fix anything, but I'm not talking to you. Oh, shoot!

Starting now.

Yeah, nice try, Mrs. Burkhart.

Damn, these are cute.

Look, Jackie, when your father got into trouble, I panicked.

But that doesn't mean I stopped caring about you.

Jackie, if you seriously don't want these, can I have them?

Mom, a good time to tell me you cared about me was the day Daddy went to prison.

Not two months later in a postcard from La Cantina Cucaracha in Guadalajara.

Isn't it nice to get postcards?

Okay, fine.

Jackie, look. I know that you've got hostile feelings towards me, but I'm your mother and I love you.

And I promise I'll never leave you again.

I believe her. Me, too.


You leave for the police academy tomorrow, shouldn't you be packing gasoline and matches so you can burn that one down, too?

No, I don't need gasoline to burn stuff down.

All I need is these two hands and a lack of adult supervision.

Anyway, I'm not going. I decided I didn't wanna be a cop.

But, Kelso, I thought you wanted to impress the mother of your child and give your life a purpose and...

Pull over girls for speeding while foxy.

No, I got my reasons.

I mean, I don't wanna leave when things are going so good for me and Brooke.

Plus, blue isn't a very good color for me.

What, are you crazy? You take blue to a whole new level.

All right, let's go blast some cows.

Whoa, all you talk about is being a cop, you haven't focused on anything this hard since you thought you heard your name on Led Zeppelin II.

It's in there.

In Whole Lotta Love he clearly sings, "Kelso lotta love."

Kelso, I'm gonna make sure you become a cop.

Yeah. We're not gonna let you throw your life away.

I don't care about that.

Look, I got a few things pending downtown and I need someone on the inside.

Jackie, just go see your mom.

She chose you over golden sunsets, frozen margaritas...

Man, why aren't we down there?

Donna, you don't get her.

Because you'll never understand the intoxicating quality of getting anything you want with your looks.

Look, she's just here till she finds a new meal ticket.

I don't believe that for a minute.

I think she came back to be with you, not to find some lonely rich guy.

Your mother is a lovely woman.

Donna, Pam and I are gonna catch a movie.

It's my first American date in months.

Your mother is a gold-digging tramp.

I can't believe my mom is going out with your Bob of a dad.

What, he's not good enough?

Ah! So you see it, too.

Look, I expect her to go after a cool rich guy like Jack Nicholson or a Bee Gee.

Your dad is cheesy and corny like nachos.

Well, then no wonder your mom is after him.

She'll touch anything from Mexico. Oh, hey!

You take that back right now or I will pull your hair really hard.

Oh, yeah.

Eric, not now.

Look, I'm sorry, Donna, but you cut me off and I always thought it was lame when Kelso said that girl fights were sexy but now I can see that he was very right.

So you, hair pull. You, shirt rip.

You better go talk to your mom.

You better go talk to your dad.


I overplayed my hand there a little bit.

Hey, come on, buddy. Time to go to cop school.

I don't believe this. I know.

King-size pillows in a twin-size bed, why didn't I think of that?

Man, he just split on us.

Yeah, he's definitely gone. I guess we just leave then.

That's not fair. You guys made leaving sounds.

Come on, Kitty, enough with the silent treatment.

I didn't say that I like tea because Pam is pretty.

I said that I like tea because you were kind enough and courageous enough to open my eyes to a whole new world of hot beverages.

Which is just one of the millions of things that you have done to improve my life over all these years.

So now I'm old.

Mr. Forman, will you please talk some sense into my dad?

Last night he went on a date with Jackie's mom.

Oh, you hear that, Red? Looks like your girlfriend is stepping out.

Donna, Pam is just what I've been looking for.

I've loved pretty women and I've loved smart women.

And I'm going back to pretty.

Dad, don't you think it's a little suspicious that she just got back and she's already latched on to you?

I'm a very cute man, Donna.

Bob, this is clearly upsetting Donna. How can you date her?

Yeah, how can you date her?

What does that mean? What?

You emphasized "her" like there's something special about "her."

I just said what you said.

But you must have missed it, because I was on my way outside to mow the lawn.

Oh, man, I can't believe Donna is serious about this celibacy thing.

Fez, how do you cope with not getting any?

I think you know how I cope.

When you don't see me, I'm coping.

Hey, he tried to get away again so I had to use his stun gun on him.

Yeah, it didn't hurt, though.

Done it to myself so many times, I barely feel it anymore.

Okay, just get in the car.

You know, you guys can take me to the academy but as soon as you leave, I'm gone.

All right, Kelso, that's it. I haven't had sex in weeks, Fez is in a drought not seen since the Great Dust Bowl.

We are tightly wound.

So, you better tell us what your real problem is or we're gonna freaking throttle you.

I will tear you apart like a lion.

Okay, look, I don't wanna tell you guys because I'm afraid you're gonna make fun of me.

Kelso, of course we're gonna make fun of you.

All right, fine. You know what, it's like I'm going to a new school, okay?

And I'm worried that I'm not gonna be able to make friends.

First off, I'm so much better looking than everyone else.

The only reason you guys are friends with me is because you met me before I blossomed.

Man, you should be worried about something that could actually happen, like handcuffing yourself to a horse.

Look, Kelso, here's the thing, you've stolen my stuff and you've burned my stuff.

You've even groped my stuff.

But I still hang out with you because you are a great guy.

Come on, you're Michael Kelso, right?

You're bullet-proof.

Yeah, man, you're right. I am bullet-proof.

All right, let's get going. All right.

Hey, by the way, you're not actually bullet-proof.

Where do you think you're going? To the backyard.

No, I'm going to the backyard.


Don't give me that dirty look and say, "Whatever." That is my thing.

Oh, my God. Hot tub.

Mom, what are you doing in there with that wet, hairy man?

And why are you wearing a white swimsuit? It's winter.

Bobby and I are just having a soak.


When did we get a hot tub, Bobby?

Me and Pammy were out shopping and I saw it so I bought it.

Even got the good one with the euphoria jet.

I love it in here.

If you put salt around the rim it would be like being in a giant margarita.

Hey, what the hell, right? Yeah.

I have all this extra money and Pammy here helped me spend some.

Yeah, that's her specialty.

You shut up about my mom.

Thank you, Jackie. I wasn't defending you, okay?

This is just really weird.

Can you both at least put your hands up where I can see them?

Enough, all right?

I like Pam and she likes me. We're both adults.

So if you two can't handle it, that's too bad.

Now go inside. You're ruining our soak.

This soak is over.

Then we'll go inside.

Dad, are you naked?

How else am I gonna try the euphoria jet?

Okay, I know we both have different reasons for wanting our parents to stop seeing each other.

Like, I hate your mom and your mom's a tramp.

But we have to join forces and do everything we can to break them up.

Now, I'm with you, Donna.

All the couples I've broken up before were just training till now.

This one's not for popularity or to make another girl cry, it's for my beautiful mom and your mayonnaise-loving dad.

How's it going, girls? Not good.

We just saw Bob and Pam in a hot tub.

Bob and Pam are in a hot tub? Pam's in a hot tub?

There, you did it again and this time you didn't even say, "Bob."

Yes, I did. No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

And you would have heard it, too, if it hadn't been for all that damn tea.

You know, I fought a war to keep that crap out of this country and you had to bring it into my house and you call yourself an American. Ha!

Okay, I'm all set, so...

Here I go. Kelso, you're gonna do great.

But, hey, just in case, I packed some extra cookies in your lunch to help you make friends.

Oh, I ate the cookies.

Try to find a friend who likes carrots.

Okay, well...

Guess this is it.

Hey, give those cows hell, boys.

Hey, Kelso...

I love you!

Shut up. I love you, too, Kelso!

Just quit it. I love you the most!

We were just kidding.

So was I, so was I.

I can't believe there were no cows, man.

Yeah, what are we gonna do with all these bottle rockets?

Fine, I'll be the cow.

But this time, count all the way to ten.

You got it buddy.

One... Ten!