That '70s Show S6E16 Script

Man with Money (2004)

j& When the shark bites with his teeth, dear j&

Ah, you're awfully happy.

We're having a cocktail party. What's not to be happy about?

Red, the last time we had a party, you called the cops and had them tow everyone's car.

Drunk people looking for their cars, that was funny.

Oh, you're just giddy because Bob's bringing his pretty new girlfriend over.

Oh, Kitty, don't be ridiculous.

I'm just happy. Now why do you want to ruin my happiness?

Because that's what a wife does.

You know, my dad dating your mom goes against all the laws of nature.

I mean, you don't see a giraffe with a panda bear.

You know, my dad being the cute, fuzzy panda bear, and your mom being the evil, money-hungry, unnaturally tanned giraffe.

Well, I've had it with them, too.

Last night, your dad burped in front of my mom.

And she laughed, Donna, laughed.

We are Burkharts.

We don't burp, and we don't tolerate people who do.

Hey, everybody. I brought a date.

Look how tall she is.

It's like I'm dating the Statue of Liberty.

Oh, Kitty, I just love coming over to your house.

You have such unique tastes.

It's like being in a giant flea market.

And like at every flea market, Bob's gonna leave with the tackiest thing here.

Pam, come on in. I made your favorite drink.

Tequila Sunrise.

Red, always the gentleman. Yeah, well.

Red, Red... Honey, where's my favorite drink?

I didn't know you had a favorite drink, Kitty, seeing as how much you like all drinks.

I'll take a drink, Red. Beer is in the garage, Bob.

Mrs. Burkhart!

That's weird.

Golly, I didn't know you were dropping by.

Yeah, you did.

I told you she was and you said, "Oh, boy, I'm gonna wear my suit."

Well, I'm sorry, Donna, is there some kind of law against being handsome?

Because if there is, then...

Guilty as charged.

Mrs. Burkhart, when did you get here?

Is it too much for you people to let me know that we have company?

One bronzed-up tart in the room and all the men turn into a bunch of oversexed fraternity boys.

Kitty, you're just imagining things.

What's she wearing?

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Oh, I cannot believe you kids trying to sneak off with my good gin.

Yeah, I should have known.

She can smell booze from a mile away.

Excuse me?

Oh, I said, you smell like booze from a mile away.

That's worse, dumb ass.

Oh, what a lovely evening.

If I didn't know any better, I'd swear I was with rich people.

Oh, she's got it all, looks and beauty.

Pam, you want another drink?

No, honey, you shouldn't be drinking.

You have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.

He has a heart condition. He's very old.

I never thought I'd say this, but I wish I was Bob.

I wonder if she'd like to watch The Graduate with me some night.

You know, one time, back when I was dating Jackie, Pam was trying to wash her car, right, and she leaned over and like squeezed out the sponge.

That's all I remember, 'cause I rode my bike straight into a tree.

Oh, look at her.

Would you ever want me to show that much leg?

Absolutely not.

And why not?

You set me up.

Jackie, I can't see your mom's hand, which means it's on my dad's butt.

We have to break them up.

I've been badmouthing Pinciottis for years. I can't be one.

So that's when I realized that tapas sounds a lot like topless.

But I already promised, so...

Hey, Mrs. Burkhart.

Why don't I throw on some music for us to shake our booties to?

Hey, stop acting like an ass in front of the pretty lady.

That's okay, Red. I think he's cute.

Yeah, well. He is my son, you know?

Well, good party.

Good party. When Pam and I were dancing, she accidentally brushed my butt.

And tell them what happened after that.

Well, then I said, "Hey, you can squeeze my butt anytime."

And then it got really quiet.

And then she walked over to Bob, and they were talking and pointing at me.

Then you tried to laugh it off and you spit dip up on your shirt.

Then you tried to do that joke where you scoop the dip off your shirt with the chip, and no one laughed.

And here we are.

You know, there's a lot of talk about Pam.

But, Eric, I still have feelings for your mom.

She comes off all pure, but she's dirty.

Why can't my dad just see that Pam is a total gold digger?

Oh, would you stop saying that?

Hey, either she digs for gold or she doesn't.

It's easy to check.

Are her boots muddy?

Does she carry a pickaxe?

When she comes home does she say, "Tough day at the gold mine"?

No, Fez, a gold digger is what these idiots call a woman who knows that love eventually wears off, but money is forever.

You guys, all I know is, pretty-tanned lady touched my butt.

And that is more action than I've gotten in weeks.

Keep it up, you'll be having sex with yourself.

I mean, how does Bob pull all these foxes like Midge and Pam?

He's got to have something the ladies can't resist.

Hey, Donna, you ever see your dad naked?

Oh, my God! Can we please talk about anything besides that?

You're way off, Hyde. Women love Bob for his sense of humor.

That sucker is funnier than a Dixie cup.

No. All right, how it works is relationships are based on a point system.

All right, see, Pam is good-looking.

So that's 20 points.

And Bob, he's like the nicest guy in the world.

So that's like, what? Like a point.

But Bob's got money, and that's 19 points.

And altogether that's 20.

Now, you add the whole thing together, and that's 40, which is incidentally almost half my score.

I don't care what that doctor says.

I'm not wearing this stupid heart monitor.

Makes me look like a damn robot.

Red, I'm sure you won't even know it's there.

It'll only beep if your heart rate goes above normal, like when you get agitated, or excited, or extra angry, or extra happy.

Putting my money on extra angry.

I bet the damn thing doesn't even work.

You know what, Red? Your attitude stinks.

You wouldn't be in this mess if you just listened to me in the first place.

Kitty... I told you to eat more fiber in the mornings. I told you to exercise.

I even told you to wear more comfortable shoes for circulation.

Did you listen? No.

So, I guess I'm just gonna keep telling you and telling you and telling you...

What do you know? It does work.

Man, I can't believe you guys aren't in Bob's hot tub.

You know, I feel like Warren Beatty in a movie about a hot tub.

He's like hot tubbing, then like...

...other stuff happens.

Kelso, just so you know, Bob was in there an hour ago.

So you are like covered in hot bubbly Bob.

Dad, will you please listen to us?

We talked about it and we really think you need to break up with Pam.

No way. Open your eyes.

Everyone can see what a big mistake this is.

Oh, so everyone here thinks I should just break up with Pam?

I say stick with her, Bob.

My only advice is take pictures, otherwise no one's gonna believe you.

Don't listen to him. He grew up poor. He's stupid.

What do you think, Eric?

Yeah, Eric.

What do you think?

I hope it's the right answer.

You love that woman for all she's worth, Bob.


What... What are you gonna do? Cut me off from sex again?

I agree with Forman, Bob. I think you should keep her.

I mean, you're you and you're getting me quality girls.

You're living life Kelso style. Enjoy.

Oh. I'm so sorry I'm late.

I locked my keys in the car and I had to use the coat hanger to jimmy the lock.

I had to reach down in there and I had to shimmy and shimmy and shimmy until the darn thing finally popped open.

Boy, I'm sorry I missed that.

Yeah, could you act it out for us one more time?

Look, Mom, Donna and I decided that you two can't see each other anymore.

We're your children and we love you, but your happiness is much less important than ours.

Jackie, when your dad went away to jail, I decided to do some work on myself.

Not on the outside, obviously, because, well, come on, but on the inside, you know, the part that doesn't matter as much.

And I realized that I need a man who makes me feel good about myself.

I need you, Bob.


You know, if an ugly woman said that, it just wouldn't mean as much.

Man, if this was a movie, Pam would pick up Bob and just carry him off to a better life.

If this were a good movie, Pam would have ended the scene topless.

Yeah, if this were a great movie, they'd have a monkey friend that did all this crazy stuff.

You know what? You guys were no help. You could have backed us up.

And you could be sleeping with me.

People could be doing a lot of things.

All right, I'm done peeing.

Hey, could you hand me my clothes?

Kelso, are you naked?


Eric, could you hand me my clothes, please?

I'm sorry, buddy, I can't hear you over the hot tub.

Did you hear him, Hyde? I think so.

I think he said to take his clothes and run away.


Guys, guys, come back!

Well, looks like I'm gonna have to be nude in front of you guys, and that's kind of awkward, so I think you ladies should nude up.


Good news, Red.

I made your favorite lunch.




Aren't you excited?

Let's hear that monitor.

So, every time you do something nice for me, I'm supposed to have a heart attack?

Well, no.

Not an attack, just a little episode.

I mean, what does it take to get that beeper going?

Hi, Red.


That must be the lasagna kicking in.


What do you say we have some more of that lasagna?

Boy, was that delicious.

Oh, can it, Red. When Pam showed up, your heart monitor went off like a freaking slot machine.

Pam had nothing to do with that thing going off, damn it!

Oh, and look at us now, we're arguing.

Can't even get a beep out of you.

Your son is a jerk.

Come on, I'm gonna prove to you that I'm not attracted to Pam.

Hey, guys.

I think I'm having a war flashback.

I'm messed up, Kitty.

I'm real messed up.

I cannot believe you told my dad to stay with Pam.

She doesn't even like you.

She told my dad you groped her at the party.

Okay, look, Donna. You and Pam obviously have some serious issues.

I think you two should work them out with a good old-fashioned pillow fight.

Come on, Jackie, I think maybe you should throw on a nightgown and defend your mom.

You're sick!

And you, you were no help, either.

Hey, I was just agreeing with Forman so he didn't look so bad.

You said it before he did.

Oh, yeah.

What's the big deal?

Bob and Pam are those who want to do what comes naturally to everybody except me.

So, I say, why can't they get any?

You know, Pam wants to be with my dad now, but what happens when someone else comes along?

I wouldn't care so much if I could just, you know, test her with a hotter guy and see if she falls for him.

Because I love you...

I'll do it.

Why would you do it? This is a man's job.

Don't wait up for me, baby.

No, it has to be someone her type.

Well, I know from our time in Mexico that she has a weakness for young, dark-skinned guys.

I guess I can ask around.

Mmm. That smells delicious.

What is it? It's not for you.

You can go look for scraps around the neighborhood like the rest of the dogs.

Kitty, for the last time, I'm not attracted to Pam.

Please, believe me, as the husband who has shared your laughter and tears for...

...many happy years.

How many years, Red?

All of them.

You can't give me a number, can you?

Well, I can tell you on a scale of one to 10, I love you 10.

That's a number.

Oh, why don't you just take your cardiac jukebox over to Pam's?

Hi, Kitty. Hi, Red.

I thought we'd come over and see if you two wanted to catch a movie.

Why are you staring?

Too pretty for Wisconsin?

I get that a lot.

You shut it off, didn't you?

No, I did not shut it off. Let's hustle it up.

I don't want to sit behind people with hats.


Look at that, nosy.

It's not Pam, it's Bob, because he annoys me.

That's true. I do.

What are you guys talking about?


I, um...

I, I, I sort of thought that...

That Red had a crush on you.

Oh, Kitty. I'm sorry.

This face can bring as much trouble as it does joy.

Well, Kitty, what do you have to say for yourself?

It's the menopause.

I'm messed up, Red. I'm real messed up.

Um... Hello.

What are you doing?

I was hired to clean the hot tub.

But you should know that I...

...perform other services, too.

Well, you could start by doing a better job.

It's still dirty.


So, you like it dirty?

No, I want it clean. So, you like it filthy?

Bob! Whoa, I'm not into that.


Hey, Eric, that was a good burn stealing my clothes.

The laugh's on you, 'cause I borrowed your pants and I'm not wearing any underwear.

Kelso, just so you know, the last time I wore those pants I wasn't wearing any underwear.

Ouch, well played.

Where the hell is Fez? He should have been back by now.

I swear, if he touched my mother inappropriately, he is never borrowing my curling iron again.

Man, first I wanted to be Bob. Now I wish I was Fez.

What the hell is going on this week?

Did you tell Fez to make a move on Pam?

'Cause if you didn't, I'm gonna box him up and send him back to banana town.

Okay, I'm sick of those comments.

I don't say I'm gonna send you back to polyester town.

Dad, I'm really sorry.

It was just the only thing we could think of to prove that Pam doesn't, you know, really care about you. Well, guess what?

She does really care about me.

So, you can stop playing these little games, because Pam makes me happier than I have been in a long time.

And you better accept it soon, 'cause she's here to stay.

That's right, I will have my pretty lady.

This Bob is back.

Way to go, Bob. Yeah, Bob.

I love you, man!

Bob, you're just like me.

We give regular guys hope.

You can't leave Pam because...

Because Pam is your Donna.

Steven, am I your Donna?

That doesn't apply to us. We're both good-looking.

Dad, can we at least talk about this?

I'm sorry, Donna. That's the way it's gonna be.

I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Should've known this wasn't gonna work.

Foreigners never finish a job.

Oh, please. If Bob hadn't shown up, I'd be your step daddy right now.



Oh, man, how do I keep missing you?

It's 'cause I don't have any boats on there.

What's that noise? It's my dad's heart monitor.

Where's your mom? She's with him.

Oh, man, take off the beeper! Other people live here!