That '70s Show S6E17 Script

Happy Jack (2004)

So, that is all for the pictures of my mom in Cancun when she abandoned me.

Now let's move on to my mom in Acapulco, when she abandoned me.

God, I cannot believe how good your mom looks in a bikini.

I mean, she's approaching, like, "me" territory.

Isn't the bikini a marvelous invention?

Imagine the first Aztec who said, "I just gotta see some more belly button," you know?

Yeah, the Mexicans are such a resourceful people.

Eric, don't be so stupid.

Everyone knows the French invented the bikini.

The Mexicans just added on the top 'cause they're Catholic.

Another good example of religion dividing instead of uniting.

Does anyone want a soda?

Yeah. Please.

And FYI, if God wanted Mexican women to wear tops, he wouldn't have created tequila.

Where the hell is Eric with our sodas?


Maybe he ran home. He's kind of a mama's boy.

Eric? Oh, my God!

I'm busy!

Oh, my God!

Ew. Was he going to the bathroom?


j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right Hello, Wisconsin!

Okay, okay.

Okay, something happened.

And I think it's safe to say that it was certainly in the area of horrific.

Like war, or when my mom sings Do You Think I'm Sexy?

While she vacuums.

What happened?

Well, we all know that as a young man in the prime of his life, I have some needs.

Amen, brother.

Wait a minute. This is the prime of your life?

You live at home with your mommy and you have to wear a nametag at work.


Today, at the house of the woman that I was theoretically going to marry, I had some needs that I felt it necessary to take care of right then and there.

In her house?

Why don't you just do it at the bus station like the other degenerates?

It's... I... You know, I don't know.

There I was, there the bathroom was.

It was like two trains passing in the night.

That's beautiful.

You know, it kind of was.

And then Donna walked in.

Oh, my God! She didn't!

I can't believe we're going to visit Kelso at the Police Academy this weekend.

We're going to miss the best part, when he makes the whole thing worse.

How could I make this worse?

I don't know.

Man, it seems impossible, but you always find a way.

You're like The Little Engine Who Could of screwing yourself.

You know what?

This is Donna's fault with her, you know, "No more sex till we're married" crap.

You guys have no idea how hard it's been to have no sex at all.

Yeah, it must be horrible.

Seriously, you guys, what do I do now?

I say you've got to pull a Nixon.

Deny, deny, deny.

No, you just need a good story.

Whenever I get caught, I just tell people that I'm checking for ticks.

Fez, how many times have you been caught?

Oh, come on, I'm not stopping just because a doorknob turns.

Ooh, man, look at these jokers.

I can't believe this is who Kelso hangs out with now.

If he doesn't dunk one of these heads in a toilet bowl, I'm buying him a skirt.


It's good to see you boys.

What the hell is that? Oh, the 'stache.

Yeah, it's coming in nice, huh?

That's why they call the fuzz, "the fuzz". They're covered in fuzz.

Like someone threw paint on the Mona Lisa.

Oh, please, Michael Kelso's a masterpiece.

You know it, I know it.

Yeah, about that.

I'm going by "Mike" now. It's my cop name.

But we call you Kelso.

Yeah, well, I'm going to have to ask you to call me Mike!

As far as the 'stache goes, I like it.

Makes me look like an authority figure.

Makes you look like a porn star.

Either way.

Cadet Mike.

Officer Kennedy, you know my friends, Hyde and Fez.

Yeah, I remember.

But it seems to me their names were Trouble and Maker.

Trouble and Maker. That's clever.

I think it's funny. They put us together and we're troublemakers.

Shut up.

I hope these two delinquents don't interfere with the progress you've been making here, Mike.

No, sir. Not at all, sir.

Well, we'll see.

I'll have my eye on you. On all of you.

He's a good man.

All right, you're really starting to creep me out.

Help me grab the beer out of the car.

I'm going to drink until that mustache turns into a caterpillar and crawls away.

Sorry, no can do.

I got KP in the a.m. and PT in the p.m.

Well, I don't know what any of that means, but I came here to drink beer and play with guns, damn it.

Sorry, buddy, but we got lights out at 22 hundskies, so I'm going to have to ask you to move along to the barracks ASAP.

Did you just call me a sap?

No, ASAP. As soon as possible.

Well, you're a sap right now!

Okay, the thing is, I knew Eric did that, but knowing and seeing are two very different things.

It's kind of like how I know there are rats under the house.

But you don't want to see the rats diddling themselves in your bathroom.


But, Donna, you're missing the whole point here.

Eric's perverted behavior can be a card you could play for the rest of your life.

Let's just say you want Eric to buy you a diamond, but he says, "No."

You just say, "Why, are you busy?"

Five minutes later, you're Elizabeth Taylor.

Yeah, I think I need advice from a woman in a relationship not built on blackmail.

It's called a lesbian, Donna, and you're going to have to go to New York for that.

This afternoon, a cadet named Terry hit on me, and it makes me nervous when men with guns like me.

Fez, Cadet Terry is a woman.

I know because I saw her putting cover-up on her chin hair.

Well, then, hello there, Cadet Terry.

I will sit here, but I will not partake.

What you're doing is illegal, and it could cause my mind to drift off its main goal, which is enforcing the law.

Now, I'd like you both to read some literature.

In particular, let's take a look at "Be Great and Go Straight."

I think that one really says it all.

Hey, do not throw the literature!

Kelso, the fact that you're now totally lame would make me furious if I had the ability to feel anger right now, which I thankfully don't.

I am not lame. I am grown-up.

And when you grow up, you play by the rules, which is why I am getting rid of this.

What is he doing? What is he doing?

Don't worry, Fez. He's just screwing around.



Good lord, he has broken you.

You broke Hyde, you son of a bitch!

So, do you get what I'm saying?

I think so.

He was busy?

In my house!

I raised him better than that.

I know this is weird, but I don't have anyone else to talk to.

Really, did you call around? I could give you some numbers.

No, no, no, I'm sorry.

Okay, you and Eric need to be able to talk about this.

I'm sure it'll be awkward at first, but, well, then...

I am afraid it's just going to be awkward all the way through.

So, do you and Red have these kinds of conversations?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, we don't talk about stuff like this.

Red can't even be naked in a room with a mirror.


Well, I'm sure Eric and I will be able to talk about this like we talk about everything, because that's what you do.

In an open, mature relationship, you face things head on.

Oh, God! Dirty!

Kelso, let us in.

No, you're going to hit me again.

I'm warning you, I got a C plus in Billy club.

Just open the door!


Damn, it's unlocked.

I guess I'm going to have to take you out.

That's a nice move.

Kelso, just relax.

Now listen, we went on a walk.

We realized you're trying to start a new life for yourself here.

We should be supportive.


Thank you.

No, thank you, buddy.

We're going to be great and go straight.

You ready? You bet I am.

Let's see you do QT in the KP with this, you SOB.


Well, if it isn't Casanova.

The man who seduced himself.

Oh, God.

All right, hold it, hold it. Come back here.

Red, be nice. Eric, don't be embarrassed.

Now, you know that you can talk to us about anything, so come on.

Let's rap.

When you were a baby, you had your hands down your pants all the time.

But that's okay, because it's natural.

Red, tell him it's natural.

What are you, an animal?

But why wouldn't you lock the door?

How could he lock the door when he's in there pawing himself like an animal?

You know, some people get addicted and can't even hold down a job!

If you can't get someone to do it for you, you do without.

In Korea, I went for two and a half years.

Dad, you were there for three.

What are you, an animal?


Oh, hey.

Hey, why did you knock?

You know why I knocked.

Eric, you've been avoiding me all day. Let's just talk about this.

I... There's nothing to talk about.

You obviously thought you saw something that you didn't see.

I was checking for ticks.

Eric! Fine, okay, fine.

I got caught. I'm embarrassed.

Let's put this behind us. I love you.

Okay, great. It's behind us. Absolutely.

I said, "I love you."


Don't you love me, too?

Sure, you know. Whatever.

Can I have a hug?


It's just, what got you going at my house?

I mean, we were just sitting around, looking at pictures...

Of Jackie's mom! Jackie's mom got you going?

No! What? No!


You're an animal!

I can't wait for these guys to see Kelso.

I think I might be giddy.

I know, I feel like it's Christmas morning.

Except, instead of toys, we get to humiliate a close friend.

Hey, Pete. Hey, Doug.

Hey, boys.

Hi, Mike!

Cadet Mike, I suppose you think this is funny?


You have made a mockery of the uniform, and I want an explanation right now.

Shut up!


What did you guys do to me?

Did you shave my head?

Is there something on my back?

You know what?

You guys are totally stuck in high school, and I'm trying to do something better and you guys resent it, so you're trying to ruin it for me.

Well, you know what? This stuff isn't even funny anymore.

Oh, that's a good burn!

So that's when I was, like, "No, I don't want highlights."

People pay money to get their hair my color,

not the other way around.

Why are we feeding you again?

'Cause I'm good company.

Look who tore himself away from himself long enough to join us.

Yeah, usually he's too busy for lunch.

All right, both of you stop.

Honey, you washed your hands, right?

Look, Dad, I can't believe I'm going to say this, but...

Can I talk to you in private for a moment?

No, I don't think so.

I know the kind of things you do in private.

Dad... Oh, all right.

Just keep your hands where I can see them.

This really isn't getting old.

Okay. So, you know how I do things that are horrible, and it seems like I can't make them any worse, and then I do?

Sadly, yes.

Well, I did it again.


How many bathrooms does that house have?


Not... Not that.

Donna wanted to talk about the horrible thing.


They always want to talk about it.

Yeah, well, we talked about it.

And in the course of talking about it, information was revealed that made it much, much worse.

And that is why you never, ever talk about it.

Have you ever noticed how often I just grunt at your mother?

I know how to talk. I'm not an ape.


I just choose not to.


Well, it's too late for that now, since you screwed up and talked about it.

There's only one thing to do.

Go on the offensive. Counter attack.

What? That's suicide, man.

They'll never expect it. It throws them off.

You know, one time in Korea, we had this little guy outnumbered 20-to-1.

But then he ran at us, screaming his head off.

And we were so taken off guard, that we dove right into our foxholes.

And he got away? No, no.

No, I mean we were startled for a few seconds, but then the whole company just opened up on him.

Listen up, Donna. I've got something to say.

Okay, but be careful.

Jackie's mom was here earlier.

I don't want you to catch a whiff of her perfume and have to sexually assault yourself in the hallway.

No, no, no, no. I talk, you listen.

Okay, this is all your fault.

Yeah, do you have any idea what your celibacy thing is doing to me?

My needs have risen to near Fezian levels.

He is a sick bastard, Donna, and now, thanks to you, so am I!

Yeah, that's right, Donna! You created a monster.

I can't leave myself alone!

You know what? You're right. I'm sorry.

You are?

I mean...

Yeah, damn right you are.

No, this has been really hard.

And this celibacy thing was my idea, so...

I need to accept some responsibility for the odd and disgusting things you do.

That's right, you do.

But, you know, next time, be like a normal person.

Go to your room, lock the door, light some candles, put on some Al Green and make an evening of it.

Wow, Donna, that was really detailed.

It's almost like...

Oh, my God!

You do it, too!

What? No, no!

I'd noticed the candles getting lower, even though I'd never seen them lit!

All right, this conversation is over!


So, this is where it all happens.

So they make an evening of it?

Yeah, candles, music...

God, girls do everything better.

You don't suppose Jackie...

Nah, she wouldn't even go to a self-serve gas station.

What would happen if I walked in during one of their evenings?

Are they like us where, even though we're alone, we welcome a visitor?

Well, yeah. I mean, it's not like they'd rather do it themselves, when they could have a man do it, right?

Right. Yeah.