That '70s Show S6E18 Script

Do You Think It's Alright? (2004)

Hey, Donna, when we register for our wedding, can we register for a trampoline?

My mom won't let me have a trampoline.

If I'd known about registering when I married Laurie, I would have registered for a wife who wants to have sex with me.

Eric, you know, people only register for stuff that's used in serving, eating and clearing of a meal.

Why is it always about eating?

Because marriage signifies the end of trying to be attractive.

Man, registering sucks.

I had to register with Jackie for her sweet sixteen.

Longest five months of my life.

Look, all I know is, you guys are gonna buy whatever wedding present we tell you, and none of this all-going-in-on-one-gift crap.

Hey, hey, shut it, huh?

No talk about weddings. Jackie's on her way over.

She's not here now.

She doesn't have to hear the word "wedding."

She can sense that it was said.

I wish I could do that.

I mean, not so much with words, but so that I could see through people's clothes.

Look, you two start yapping about your wedding, Jackie gets all, "Steven, when are we getting married?"

Then I have to say we're not getting married, and then she kicks me in my shins.

From the knees down, I'm like a freaking POW.

No, you have magnificent legs.

I would say W-O-W.

Wow.

May I help...

Oh, it's you.

Hello, Fenton.

You two know each other?

Yeah, this is the weirdo who sold me your ring.

He's probably worn it more than you.

Well, maybe she doesn't want to wear it because it's from you.

Well, maybe you need to keep your nose out of my business!

Trust me, your business is the last place I wanna put my nose!

I'm sorry, man. I am. Me, too.

We're here to register for our wedding. Oh, wonderful.

And I see we're starting with silverware. Yes, I like this one.

No, Eric, the wedding book says we can't pick the first thing we see.

Oh, well, in that case, yeah, the first one... Eh!

Second one, whoo-hoo! All right!

Let's wrap it up, hit the food court.

Here's a small sampling from our collection.

Prestige, Exhilaration and, my personal favorite, Brash.

Oh!

Well, Fenton, you may be surprised to learn that your personal favorite is not our personal favorite.

But, anyway, we're done.

No, Eric, the wedding book says that we have to look at all the patterns.

Today is just a scouting trip.

Scouting?

You know, I was asked to resign from the Scouts.

Look, it's kind of like...

Okay, remember before we were together and we dated, like, all those different people before we decided on each other?

No, not really. No.

Eric, come on. This is supposed to be fun.

Okay, look at the groom in this picture.

What is the difference between you and him?

He's a cartoon?

No, he is smiling.

Yeah, because he's a cartoon.

Look, these are all the forks I have here.

I'll have to bring the rest up from storage. I guess I'll need a forklift. Oh!

Whoo!

Oh, I made a funny.

Well, it's a... It's a good thing we have all day.

All day? What...

I'm not spending all day in a department store.

I'm gonna turn into him.

Okay, you're not as far away as you think.

Okay, that's it. I'm going to the sporting goods department.

Men.

You can't live with them... Well, you can.

But you have to keep quiet about it.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Reading another one of your dirty girl books?

They're not dirty, they're romantic.

"Mutiny From Behind."

Yeah. The mutiny sneaks up on her.

I don't think that's what it means.

Well, it is a wonderful book. It's got pirates and action. Oh, oh, oh!

It has this hilarious parrot that says the most inappropriate things.

"The pirate's vessel slowly sailed into the harbor of San Sebastian island.

"His saucy prisoner's alabaster breasts heaving with every motion

"of the tall, rigid ship."

San Sebastian island.

I think I killed some commies there.

I just spent six hours registering for wedding gifts.

The only reason I'm here now is I pretended to choke on ice cream.

I'll let you in on a little secret for when you're shopping with women.

Always pick the ugliest, worst choice, and you're off the hook.

That's how I got out of shopping for this couch.

There was an uglier couch than this?

The one I picked had dragons on it.

Wow, you're sneaky.

You know, you act like you're all about brute force, but you're a finesse player, man.

Trust me, son.

Don't budge until you hear the magic words, "Oh, I'll just do it myself."

You're done registering already?

You men, you just don't know how to shop.

You know, your father once tried to get me to buy a couch with dragons on it.

Yeah, I guess I'm just bad at it.

What do you think of this fork?

Donna, I think all this stuff is too ordinary for us, you know?

Let's get something bejeweled.

Who are you, Liberace?

Yes, I'm Liberace.

Eric, this wedding is...

Hey, guys. What's up? Oh, hey.

We were just talking about slutty cheerleaders in other schools.

You never want to talk about that.

Well, I've finally come around, darling.

Are those wedding gift catalogs?

Damn it.

For our wedding, Steven and I... Jackie, no.

Steven, we have to... No.

A good bride and groom... That's it. You're done.

Now why didn't someone do that five years ago?

She used to bite.

Now this, okay. This is what I'm talking about.

That's a nice fork.

Eric, the handle is an actual deer hoof.

Yeah, that's the Cherokee collection.

Donna, that's the Indian way.

They kill the animal, then eat it with its own paw.

Okay, you know what? I have a new plan.

I'll just go shopping, and then I'll show you what I pick.

So I don't get to go at all?

No. I'll just... I'll just do it myself.

Yeah, I guess I'm just bad at it.

"After throwing the evil pirate king overboard, "the Duke turned to Lady Daphne, "pulled his sword from its sheath and held it erect.

"Lady Daphne touched it tentatively, "and a shudder went through the Duke."

So you like those books, too, Mr. Red?

All right, fine. So you know.

But you tell one person, and so help me God, I will chop down whatever tree you live in.

So I was daydreaming during this civil rights lecture at the police academy, and I came up with a great idea for an invention, adult strollers.

Why walk when someone can push you?

Kelso, that's a wheelchair.

All right, it's official. Everything's been thought of!

All right, what do you think of this fork? No, no, no.

You're not gonna rope me into that. Just make Eric do it.

No, Eric's banned from doing it.

He actually wanted me to eat dinner with Bambi's foot.

What is this, the Cherokee collection?

Oh, well, he picked the ugliest one so you wouldn't make him go shopping.

It's classic.

I knew something was fishy. He's terrified of Indians.

Oh, he's gonna pay for this.

He thought he had a bad time the other day.

He doesn't know what a bad time is.

I am gonna stop having sex with him.

Oh, crap, I already did that.

All right, look, I hate to sell him out, but the poor kid lacks subtlety.

He's... Eric's... How do I put... He's a bit of a rube.

You know, like, a little country.

A maroon, if you will.

Kelso, what's your point?

Well, I'm just saying you could do better. I mean, I'm here, you're here.

Nobody has to know.

Kelso! Okay, fine, you can tell two friends.

So I invested $11 in Kelso's adult stroller idea.

I'm going to be a millionaire.

Really? So if I buy one, like, who's gonna push me around?

Trained bears.

Kelso's got it all figured out. I'm just the money man.

Hey, guys, where's Donna?

I found this place that etches your silhouette on your china.

Oh! We are so doing that when we get married.

Steven, people can eat right off my face.

Then guess who's coming to dinner.

Jackie, you're driving me insane.

Look, I want you to make me a promise.

You will not talk about weddings or anything wedding-related in or around the United States.

Fine, I won't talk about weddings or anything wedding-related in or around the continental United States.

Not the continental United States.

We're talking Hawaii and Alaska, too.

Fine, but if we're ever in Canada, I am going nuts!

Eric, bad news.

A deejay at the radio station got sick, so I have to cover his shift all week.

I'm not gonna be able to register for wedding gifts.

Oh, no. Well, I guess we'll just have to live with whatever forks come in the mail willy-nilly.

Well, actually, you're gonna have to shop for everything.

Wait, wait, wait. Back up here.

Who are you calling willy-nilly?

Look, Donna, I can't shop.

I have horrible taste, remember?

"I guess I'm just bad at it."

You are almost unbelievably bad at it.

And that's why I've decided Jackie will go shopping with you.

Yes!

No, no, no.

You promised Hyde that you wouldn't do any more wedding stuff.

Yeah, but here's the thing about me. I lie.

So today we'll be looking at crystal.

You see how all the different colors intermingle without any judgment?

See that?

Yeah, okay, move over, Tony Randall. I'm in charge.

Today, we'll be looking at china.

I see you let the redhead go.

I can't say I'm an expert on women, but I think you traded up.

Okay, I will lay out four possible choices.

You will then choose your favorite. I will disregard that and choose the correct one.

So what will I be doing?

Oh, you will be holding my purse and eating candy.

All right.

Here, make the Sugar Daddy last.

Oh, if only someone had given me that advice four years ago.

This spice rack is a real mess.

It's like someone got drunk and put everything out of order.

I mean, cayenne pepper, cumin, celery salt? It's insanity!

Oh, Duke, I'd like to show you my coconuts.

Well, give me a minute to raise my mast, and then we can really make some waves.

Not so fast!

If anyone's making waves around here, it's me.

I'm trained in judo, hapkido and karate.

I can also talk about you behind your back.

And when it gets back to you, it'll really sting.

So prepare to die.

You know, Kitty, Eric's not home.

We have the whole upstairs to ourselves.

Would have been thinking about that the whole time.

Okay. I got another invention.

Bicycles with engines.

That's a motorcycle.

Okay, fine. Bicycles without engines.

That's a bicycle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's got the chair on it.

And we're back to wheelchair.

Okay, Eric just called, and he's having fun shopping.

All right, with me, it's torture, but when I send him to pick out wedding gifts with J...

Pick out wedding gifts with who?

Um...

Jehoshaphat.

Remember him from school? He was always,

you know, jumping.

You sent Forman out to do wedding stuff with Jackie?

Look, I had to punish him, and what better way than to make him spend the day with Jackie?

She's got you there.

I mean, your girlfriend is annoying.

Plus, I used to do it with her all the time, so that's gotta hurt.

Man, I thought I had this wedding crap taken care of.

Now I gotta go down to the mall.

And Three's Company is about to start.

This day's gone all to hell!

What happened to my favorite blouse?

A lady never talks about what happens in the bedroom.

Ah, looks like Red picked up some tricks from the Duke in Mutiny From Behind.

He read my dirty girl book?

Yes, I caught him.

Ironically, from behind.

See, Eric, this is the perfect tux for you.

It makes you look like you actually have shoulders.

You know, I do look like I have shoulders.

Why are you wearing a wedding dress? Oh, I do this every week.

Come here.

What the hell?

I cannot believe what I'm seeing. I know. Look, shoulders.

Eric, this was supposed to be our time.

Donna, wait!

Okay, Steven, I know I promised I wouldn't do any wedding stuff, and I know you're probably really mad, so just go ahead and yell.

You're beautiful.

Oh, my God.

You like me in a wedding dress, which means that someday we're gonna get married, which means that I can talk about it. Oh, Steven!

Okay, I want a spring wedding outside with white doves, and I want the sun to be setting behind me so that I have a halo, kind of like an angel.

Oh, and then, wild mustangs can take us to our honeymoon in Hawaii!

Oh, but your family can't come.

Oh, you know what? You can run, but you can't hide!

I know where you live!

Donna, what's the matter?

You picked a deer-foot fork just to get out of shopping with me.

Oh, too obvious, huh?

Yeah, no one wants hairy silverware.

I just don't understand how you could have more fun with Jackie than with me.

I don't know. I mean, you know, she doesn't ask me questions.

She just tells me what to do.

It's a strange kind of freedom, but I know why the caged bird sings, Donna.

So you're saying the way to handle you is just take away your free will and order you around?

Donna, that's the way I was raised.

Eric, I can't tell you what to do because I don't even know what to do.

I mean, that's why I got that stupid book.

I hate that book. Kelso was right. Reading just gets you into trouble.

Forks don't matter to me, Eric. I mean, they don't.

They don't.

In 20 years, food's just gonna be a little pill anyway.

Look, let's just do this whole wedding thing our way.

Yes.

What's our way?

I don't know.

Maybe we should ask Jackie.

You're back with that one?

Good luck.

"The Adventures of Lydia and Master Bates."

"Master Bates had lived alone on an island for years, "with only himself for company."

I should give this one to the foreign kid.