That '70s Show S6E2 Script

Join Together (2003)

All right, Donna, put your chair here.

I wanna get Steven's attention, and with you next to me I'll look like a tiny porcelain doll.

You know, Jackie, some people actually find me to be of normal height.

Sure, if they're green and jolly.

I can't take it. Watching Donna lie out, knowing she's gonna go to college and I have to stay here.

She's so, so...

Juicy. Juicy.

My juicy.

Well, I'm not gonna stay here locked in the house just 'cause Jackie looks ridiculously hot in that bathing suit.

Later, Forman. Bye-bye, juicy.

Ladies. Ladies' bodies.

You know, I wish someone would rub lotion on my shoulders.

Think they're getting a little red.

Yeah, you should be careful.

Looks like you're starting to scab.

Oh, that's a burn about a burn.

That's a second-degree burn!

You know, Jackie, I think maybe Hyde's moved on.

No. No, no, no, no.

You don't just move on from Jackie Burkhart.

I'm like the bottle. You need a 12-step program to break my spell.

Okay, ladies. All these sound waves are interfering with my sunrays.

Let's tan.

All right, I'm gonna need you to lotion me up, darling, but only rub where you can see. No roaming.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Hey, Mom, Dad, I have something I wanna tell you.

I've decided not to move away. What?

Yeah, I'm gonna stay and put off college for just a little while, or at least until you're well enough to go back to work.

My baby, my baby, my baby!

Okay, Mom, this is actually kind of embarrassing.

You're actually really hurting me, yeah.

You mean I've been waiting 18 years for you to get your butt out of this house, and now you're staying?

Look, Mom, I signed over my paycheck to you.

I want you to go buy yourself something pretty.

Or, I don't know, electricity.

Oh, honey, thank you.

Red, it wouldn't kill you to thank him.

It might. I just had a heart attack.

Speaking of which, I just found this in the garbage.

Why would you throw away the list of all the food the doctor said we couldn't have in the house?

Kitty, did you look at that list?

If I had known what I was coming home to after my heart attack, I would've walked straight into that bright light and never looked back.

Oh, come on.

It can't be that bad.

I'll do it with you.

'Cause what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Actually, Mom, Dad's the gander.

The male goose.

So it would be "what's good for the gander is good for the goose."


let's take a gander at what you're giving up with the gander.

That's how you do that.

Okay. "Potato chips, other salty snacks."

Good advice. That doctor obviously knows what he's talking about.

"Butter, heavy cream, cheese." Gone, makes a lot of sense.

"Alcoholic beverages." Okay, that doctor's a quack.

God, it's gonna be so hard going off to college without you.

But we'll see each other on the weekends, right?

Well, you say that now, but then there's that weekend where you call home and say you have to study, but I hear Moose, the place-kicker, in the background, asking if you want another shot of tequila, so...

Eric, that would never happen.

I would never date a place-kicker. It's quarterback or nothing for me.

You know, the more I think about leaving you, the sadder I get.

And the sadder I get, the more I wanna be with you.

Right now.

Now? Well...

Yeah, I mean...

All right, this is great, it'll be, like, completely spontaneous, like I just...

Why are you talking? I'm sorry, I just... Okay.

So it turns out that going-away sex is even hotter than make-up sex.

It's like these chips. They say, "Now even crunchier," and you're thinking, "Oh, man, there is no way."

But then you take a bite

and it is crunchier.

Dude, if something's crunchy, you should really have that looked at.

There's no time, my friend, I have a distraught neighbor girl to attend to.

Dry your eyes, baby, the loving's on its way!

Toe ring.

Oh, Fez, you like?

Yeah, got a toe ring.

On the little piggy that went to the market.

Steven, what do you think?

Can't resist toe ring.


Well, you know, I have all sorts of things now that I didn't have when we were going out.

Toe ring, tan lines, a tattoo.

You don't have a tattoo, you're bluffing.

Do you have a tattoo?

Well, we're not going out, so I guess you'll never know.

Ugh, this bra is so uncomfortable.

You know, I think I'm gonna stop wearing them altogether. See you.

Look at you watch her. You love her, man.

"Oh, baby, I love you so much."

Were you doing Jackie? Yes, yes.

Why am I even thinking about her?

Man, she's like Tahiti.

It's warm and it's beautiful and you wanna go there, but when you do, you get bit by a mosquito and you get malaria and you're sick for the rest of your life.

Well, she's obviously not over you, either.

I mean, she's practically putting on a show to get your attention.

Just imagine it.

I love to dance.

Okay. The doctor wins.

Eric and I boxed up all the liquor.

Man, look at all this. It's like Dean Martin exploded.

There were bottles in the liquor cabinet, the dining room hutch, my mom's nightstand.

Oh, no, no. That's for polishing furniture.

Mom, there's lipstick on it.

Just your luck, Forman. You're about to turn 18 and there's gonna be no hooch left in the house to steal.

I mean avoid.

Do homework next to.

Pray near.

Come on!

Yeah, it's gonna be pretty boring around here.

You know what you should do? Go to college.

Mom, would it be too much to ask for Dad to be grateful that I'm staying?

Honey, we're all going through hard times.

You're giving up your future, I'm giving up my schnapps.

Let's not compare our pain.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

Donna was really upset about leaving, so I had to comfort her in a bedular way.

It turns out if I get her sad, she gives it away like goldfish at a freaking carnival.

Eric, I think you may have found a secret "open sesame" to sex.

Make the lady cry.

Perhaps I should try that with my wife.

"Laurie, here's a dead cat. Now do me."

A little history, Fez.

I think Laurie has a lot of "open sesames," like, "Hi, Laurie."

That usually does it.

Actually, I only ever got as far as "Hi."

Fez, I did it with your wife!

Yeah, I have so much power over Donna now, it's like...

I know how Obi-Wan Kenobi feels.

"These aren't the droids you're looking for."

Man, I wish I could do it with Donna in a landspeeder on Tatooine.

That would be so awesome.

Hey, Steven, check out my new super-sexy tattoo.

Hard to keep your hands off, huh?


Sorry. Here's your tattoo back.

I'll take that.

Steven, why are you being so difficult?

Jackie, no amount of tattoos or toe rings are gonna fix the fact that you have a lot to apologize for.

You're the one who should apologize.

Well, then I guess we're not getting back together.

I guess we're not.

Oh, and by the way, you don't deserve a real tattoo.

But if I were to get one, I'd show it to Fez before I'd ever show it to you.

I hope she gets it on her heinie.

But, Jackie, it really bugs me that you and Hyde aren't back together.

So, as the man who used to pleasure you endlessly,

I feel it is my obligation to step in and fix this.

'Cause when I'm a cop, I'm gonna have to deal with domestic cases like this all the time.

And the good news is he'll have guns.

Yeah, this is gonna be a piece of cake.

You know, they should have put me in charge of Vietnam.

I would have had those people making out in a week.

Wow. Donna, that might be the last time that you'll ever get to see Kelso make an even bigger mess of a problem.

Yeah. I'm gonna miss that.

And I'm gonna miss you.

Well, I'm not gonna miss you two slobbering all over each other like fat girls in a house with free meat.

And that might be the last time that Jackie ever makes fun of us, fat girls and meat.


What? Nothing, I just...

This could be the last time that you and I stand by the Vista Cruiser.

I just waxed her. She's all slippy-slidey.

Donna, this might be the last time that I bring you your toothbrush.

That's not my toothbrush.

Might be the last time that I bring you the wrong toothbrush.

Hello, darling.

I see you are washing your unmentionables.

Yeah, do you know what gets out grass stains and Kahlua?

Anyways, I was thinking how sad you must be, considering the mess you made of your life.

With all that sadness, do you also not get needy?

You know, I sort of do.

Ali Baba, the treasure is mine!

I'm gonna go see if Carlos is home.

That Carlos is one lucky SOB to have a wife like mine.

Look, Hyde, I know you don't wanna tell Jackie that you're sorry, but come on, there's gotta be some things that you did that you wish you hadn't done.

Like that time that you told me to eat that stuff, and I didn't know what it was.

And then you licked your lips and you rubbed your stomach and you were like, "Mmm, it's really good, Kelso."

And then I ate it and then I wished I hadn't have done that.

Yeah, well...

Maybe with Jackie I was sort of impetuous and maybe a little rash.

Now, see, that's something that Jackie ought to know.

Hyde says that he was sort of infectious and he has a rash.

What? I'm just telling you what he said.

All right, look, Michael, Steven's the one who messed up the relationship.

He thought you and I were together, but he was just wrong.

He fabricated the whole mess.

Well, somebody ought to make that clear.

Jackie wants you to know that there was a mess

'cause she was wearing the wrong fabric.

That can't be what she said. It's word for word, man.

Kelso, would you get out of here? What? I'm helping.

You're making me wanna kick your ass!

That better be the rash talking.

Busted, mister.

You're like a damn cat.

I'm gonna make you wear a bell.

Bad health in a can, that's what that is.

The doctor said he wants nothing like that around here, and I agree.

All it takes is just, it's a little bit of will power, Red.

Even though you used to do something without thinking, you just have to grab a hold of those thoughts.

Can I get you a refill there?


There's a lesson for you.

You're welcome.

Hey. Hey, listen, son.

You know, it means a lot to your mother, you staying here and helping out the family.

And, as for me, I...



Doctor said I should write down my feelings.

Are you actually thanking me?

This is a list of yard work.

Yeah, the lawn thanks you for all that mowing you're gonna do.

You're welcome, Dad. Yeah, well...

All right, we're both men here.

Oh, God. What's wrong?

Nothing. It's just, this could be the last time

that you and I watch Gilligan get hit on the head by the Skipper.

Eric, the more we talk about me going away, the sadder you get.

And being with you so much lately has been great, but afterwards...

Well, you always used to look a little bit ashamed.

And, I mean, now you just seem depressed.

No, no, no.

I'm not depressed, Donna, you are depressed.

Okay, let's do this. Okay, hold on.

All this "last time" stuff, have you been saying that just for sex?

What? Have I... What?

"This is not the one you're angry with."

You're disgusting.

Eric, that might be the last time we fight over you trying to get me to have sex with you! I know!

You know, Fez, this whole thing with Hyde and Jackie is stupid.

I mean, they both wanna be together, and they would in a second if they just thought the other one had said, "I'm sorry."

Eureka, Fez, eureka!

I'm one step ahead of you, my friend.

Yeah. I'll just lie to both of them, and tell them the other one said, "I'm sorry."

I thought we were going to pan for gold.


Okay, here we go, let's make up.

All right. Look, Steven, I heard what you said.

Yeah, I heard what... Wait a minute, you heard what I said?

Yeah. Michael told me.

And, just so you know, I'm sorry, too.


No, you're not sorry, too. You're sorry one, I'm sorry two.

Wait, what? No... Michael said that... Yeah, he said that...


I did my work. You two gotta clean this mess up yourselves.

So nothing's changed, then?

Guess not. Forget this.

Fine. Okay. Enough.

Look, you guys, who cares who apologized first?

Look, Jackie obviously wants to be with you, and you're here, which means that you wanna be with her, and I don't blame you, 'cause with that rash, you ain't got a whole lot of choices.

All right, look, Steven, do you wanna be with me?

No. No, a shrug's not gonna cut it.

Steven, I need you to say something.

All right. Look, I'll even go first.

Steven, I wanna be with you.

And you...


Can you hang on a second?

Would you get out of here?

If you want me to leave, all you have to do is say, "Please."

Fine. Please.

That's better.

Jackie, I do wanna be with you.

Because you love... Don't push it.


Okay, Steven. Where's your beer?

What? Me, beer?

Kitty threw away all my beer. The Packers are down by 11.

You're 18, I know you have beer. So where's your beer?

I don't want used beer.

Well, I might have a couple fresh ones in the shower.

Yeah. I'm running low, I should probably hit the store.