That '70s Show S6E20 Script

Squeeze Box (2004)

You know, before we decided not to have sex...

You decided.

I'm ready.

Right, I decided.

Movies were just a dark place to fool around before we went home and did it, but now we can really watch the movie.

Isn't that great?

It's fabulous.

There's nothing I hate more than the feeling that I'm about to have sex.






Isn't that the girl who sells Slurpees?

Why is she saying hi to you?

I don't know. It's weird. I've never talked to her before.

I mean, maybe one time I said, "You're out of spoon straws," but that's it.

Great. Now I have to sit through Kramer vs. Kramer again with no shot at nookie.

First time we saw it, I said, "You know, dads can be good parents, too," and Donna's shirt just floated off.

What is wrong with me?

A boy's gonna lose his mother, and all I can think about is fooling around.

I am such a dirty girl.

I should be spanked. Oh, stop it!

Screw it. Sneak attack is my only hope.

I'm gonna go with the yawn and grab.

Watch out for my hand, pretty mama, 'cause I'm not really tired.

Oh, God. It's the yawn and grab.

How do I stop him?


Oh, sorry.

Oh, come on. It's okay.

Great. Now my lap's covered in hot buttered popcorn.

That's the most action I've gotten in weeks.

Thanks for helping move Pam into my house, Kitty.

You know what they say, "Lady number three is a charm."

You have been so warm and friendly.

You simply must teach me how to be like that.

Pam, I'd just like to say on behalf of Fez and myself, that it is a privilege and a turn-on to carry your underthings.

And you don't have to pay me.

I took a few souvenirs.

Well, enjoy.

Red, I'd help you with the boxes, but I don't want to tire myself out.

I'm gonna be up all night welcoming Pam to the house.

Okay, see you later. Have fun, close your shades.

What do we do with these boxes?

Let's just stick them in there.

Hi, boys.

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Mitch, what are you doing here?

I made a peach cobbler for Donna, and I forgot to leave it when I was in here last night.

You weren't in here last night.

Well, not as far as you know.

Okay, look, Mitch, I know you're in love with her, but it's not gonna work out.

You're as big as you're gonna get.

And trust me, okay? Donna's still growing.

Jackie, we need to talk.

Eric and I came really close to doing it, and I am so jacked up on hormones, I feel like I could jump the first guy I see.

Then look my way, pretty lady.

Okay, Mitch, you know I love having you around, 'cause you say really nice things about me...

Like how the sun pales in radiance to the beauty of your smile?

Yeah, like that. Yeah.

But I have to talk to Jackie, and it's girl stuff.

You're so strong.

You make me feel like Jessica Lange in King Kong.

Hey, Red. "Hi, boys!"

I could kill you without making a sound.

You know, I'm worried we don't have enough chicken for dinner tonight.

Do these breasts look big enough?

I'm not comfortable with that question.

What? What?


What are you laughing at?

Just life. It's a hoot.

Well, I don't know what's in that orange juice, but I'm gonna pour myself a glass.

Red, what I want to know is, what did Pam mean...

Not here... Toyota.

This is the only place that's safe.

Look, if I was a single man, what we saw today would be like a reward for a lifetime of disappointments.

But I'm not, so it's just another disappointment.

For you, maybe. I saw them. I don't care who knows it.

You better care, 'cause if Kitty finds out, I'm taking you down with me.

And when I take people down, they stay down.

Just ask North Korea.

But I have so many questions.

I mean, I've been flashed before, but it was always followed with either, "Get out!"

Or, "There's a two-drink minimum."

But, "Hi, boys"?

It has me reeling.

Oh! Maybe she was coming on to us.

She wasn't coming on to us.

She was coming on to me.

She heard about my war record.

I'm a hero.

You know why Darth Vader went to the dark side?

He was dating a redhead who wouldn't put out.

So, you are like Darth Vader in the sense that you're not getting any.

But you are not like Darth Vader in the sense that you are weak and strike fear in no one.

Well, this is certainly one way to spend an afternoon.

You know, I never really got into making models.

Guess I was too busy having sex.

Hey, I don't have sex, and I still don't build models.

I don't have a single model or a single girl. My life is an empty hole.

Hey, nice job.

You put the force field generators on backwards.

One photon torpedo and you're space toast.

Okay, Eric, that's it.

I think we should have sex.

Yes! No!

Okay, I'm going crazy not being with you.

You may not be a strong man, but you read my body like Braille.


Wait. What's "Braille"?

You two were awfully quiet at dinner tonight.

Is there anything I should know about?

No. No.

I'll get it. Me, too.

Hi, boys.

Kitty, every time I come to this house I'm amazed by how much you've done with so little.

Here. We brought Kahlua.

Well, aren't you just an angel sent from after-dinner drink heaven?

She wanted to get you cookies, but I know how much you like the sauce.

Red. Toyota!

Did you see that look she just gave us?

Was that, "Please don't tell anyone you saw my boobs"?

Or, "Please come over and see my boobs again"?

Do you have to keep saying that word?

Let's just call them..."them."

This is the last time we ever talk about it. From here on out, it never happened.

But, Red... Steven, I have been to war.

I have seen a lot of things in my life, and there were only three things that I was gonna keep secret until the day I die.

This is number four.

And five.

Okay, the tractor beam is operational. Don't get too close.

You really gonna shine your love light on that?

Well, he's a different person between the sheets.

What can I say?

Hey, guys.

Hey, listen, tomorrow I have this police test on interrogation techniques.

I was wondering if I could practice on somebody.

Jackie, how about you?

Well, no. This is your first time.

You're gonna need somebody much more spineless than me.

Try Eric.

Yeah, that's good thinking.

All right, Mr. Forman, if that is indeed your real name,

what did you do on the day of yesterday?

You'll never get it out of me, copper. I'm no rat!

Kelso, what the hell?

Just relax, Eric. I'm just doing good cop, bad cop.

That was the bad cop, but he's gone now.

See, now good cop is here to take care of you.

Hey, how you doing, buddy?

It's a real shame about what happened to your model.

Why don't you tell me what you did yesterday?

I came home from the restaurant and spent six hours building that model!

Uh, excuse me.

I'm sorry to interrupt, but what about your encounter at the store with the girl who sells Slurpees?

What? What?

Yeah, you remember.

She asked why you never call her anymore, and you were like...


Wait. Is that the girl from the movies?

Donna, I'm asking the questions here.

Is that the girl from the movies?

What happened to, "I barely know her"?

What happened to, "I barely know her"?

Why were you calling her, Eric?

Why were you calling her, Eric?

Kelso, will you shut up?

Oh, yeah, it's getting hot in here, isn't it?

Look, Donna, maybe I kind of know her.

Maybe we kind of went out a couple times when you were dating Kelso's brother.

Wait, you got other girls besides Donna to go out with you?

What is this obsession with the underdog?

Wait, so the other day at the movies you lied to me?

Donna, I am the senior officer here.

So the other day at the movies you lied to me.

No, I...

You know, I mean, it was the movies, you know?

It's all make-believe.

Okay, you know what? Don't bother coming over tonight.

My sexual tension has been replaced with another familiar emotion, anger at your scrawny ass!

No! Yes!

Well, good job, Michael.

You solved one crime and prevented an even bigger one, Donna having sex with Eric.

You have the right to remain... Burn!

I'm just glad I could help the truth be told.

Yeah, at least someone's being honest around here.

Mitch, what the hell?

What? I thought you came off looking great.

Oh, wait. That was me.

Everyone, I want to thank you for making me so welcome.

I feel like the only guest at an inexpensive backwoods hotel.

Steven, you're so tense.

Of course he's tense, Mom.

You're the one who taught me that if your man's not tense when you walk into the room, that means you're doing something wrong.

Yeah, that's right. I'm tense because of you.

'Cause you're... too pretty.


Red, I was gonna get you a thank-you gift for helping with the move, but then I figured, nah.

So, thanks.

Don't mention it, Bob.

Don't mention anything about that day ever again.

Why? It was a pretty good day.

Nothing got broken. Nobody got hurt.

You two even got to see Pam topless.

Yeah, first time I saw them I was speechless, too.

All right.

I admit that we saw Pam's... them.

But it's not like we planned it.

Although our timing couldn't have been better.

I think you mean "worse," Steven.

No, I'm pretty sure I meant "better."

Red, how could you?

Kitty, we just opened the door, and there she was.

What was I supposed to do, rip the eyes out of my head?

Don't feel bad, you guys.

This isn't the first time my body has caused a fight.

One time I caused a riot on a topless beach in Venezuela.

Imagine what you saw, only all tanned and oiled.


She told me to.

Well, I hate to let the cat out of the bag and then leave, but looks like that's exactly what we're gonna do.

Enjoy your fight.

I can't believe you saw my mother topless and didn't tell me about it right away.

What, so every time I see another woman's breasts I'm supposed to tell you?

Now I know.

I am so mad. I can't even stand to look at you.

And yet you do.

Because your eyes work. You see my problem?

All right. All right. We're going.

I can't believe Eric lied to me about that girl.

I mean, we're getting married. I should know everything about him.

If I have to know that he wore a bathing suit in the tub until he was 12...

Yeah, tell everybody.

I should know who he dated.

That's right, just... Just get it off your chest, Donna.

All the rage and the anger and the clothing.

Hey, hey, hey.

There's only room for one creepy pervert in this group, and that's me.

Around here, I'm the one who drools over all the ladies.

Well, I don't drool over all the ladies, just Donna.

A specialist, huh?

Okay, we'll try it your way.

Oh, my God. You don't...

You don't think Eric and that girl...

Made sweet emotional love? Yes, I do.

I bought many a Slurpee from her.

And from what I can tell, she'll do it with anyone.

Did she do it with you? No.

She has way too much self-respect for that.

I am gonna march right in that room and tell my mother there are consequences to her topless actions.

And that she needs to start wearing pantyhose.

This isn't Las Vegas.


So, then she goes, "Hi, boys."

I mean, that has to be a come-on, right?

I saw this dirty movie once where the plumbers knock on the door, and the lady answers and she says, "Hi, boys."

After that it was all asses and elbows.

Okay, look, I'm sorry, Hyde.

There's a lot of guys that Pam would choose before you and Red.

All right, it goes me, then Bob, Fez, then you, Red, then me again, then Donna, then Eric.

Okay, Eric, there's something I need to know.

Did you or did you not do it with the Slurpee slut?

What? He answered a question with a question.

That means he's guilty.

Now let's ditch him and carry me out of here.

Donna, I did not sleep with her.

Well, you lied to me about her before, so why should I believe you now?

You don't believe me? Fine.

Let me show you what I was doing while you were with Casey.

You're gonna go hide in your bedroom and cry?

Or you gonna try to write another song again?

"Hey, you guys, what rhymes with pain?"

I love that song.

Everyday is like rain when you're in pain.

Okay, Donna.

This is a box full of models that I made while you were with Casey Kelso.

Look at this, TIE fighters, assault vehicles and troop transports.

All with minor defects in workmanship. Yeah, he made these, all right.

So this is what you did while we were apart?

Oh, my horny nerd boy.

Donna, there's a reason I didn't tell you about her.

She wasn't important.

The whole time we broke up, you know...

You know I never stopped loving you.


Hyde, I never stopped loving you, either.


I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

You guys better be kidding, or I'm gonna be super pissed.

So, can I suggest that we honor the age-old tradition of making up after a fight, not just spiritually,

but physically?

How about a brand-spanking-new tradition where I buy you a milkshake and a Playboy?

Donna, whoa, I'm insulted.

I do not need a milkshake. Let's go.

What... So they're back together and everything's fine?

That sucks.

See what happens when you specialize?

I can go and make any number of ladies uncomfortable.

What can you do?

What do you think he meant by, "Whoopsy-doosy"?

Not here. Toyota!

I'm so freaked out, Mrs. Forman.

I'm gonna have to sleep with the light on.

What are you two doing out here?

We were just...