That '70s Show S6E21 Script

5:15 (2004)

Hey, guys. Mitch!

I thought I heard a matchbox car pull up.

Yeah, I'm short, and you're shaped like a lollipop.

I'm not in the mood, Forman.

My brother Jack's wedding is tomorrow, and I don't have a date.

Did you try Aly Richards? She'll go anywhere there's cake.

That's how I got her into my car.

But then I ate the cake, and she left.

I'm in a real bind here.

I showed up at the engagement party alone.

My family made so much fun of me.

So I said to myself, 'cause, of course, I was alone, that I would bring someone sizzling hot with me to the wedding.

Hey, Donna, would you be my date?

Mitch, I don't know what to say.

Let me help you out. "No!"

Donna, if you went with me, I might finally earn some respect from my family.

Let me say this for you one more time in Spanish.

No!

I taught him that.

Eric, you know, it seems harmless.

No, Donna, I'm sorry, but I forbid it.

Oh!

Mitch, I'd love to go.

Donna, what the hell? No.

I forbid you to ask me questions about this.

But, Donna...

Let me tell you one more time in Spanish...

Hey, Donna, thanks so much for doing this.

Sure, but, you know, just friends.

You don't get to touch any of this juicy stuff.

No, don't worry. I'll even ask another couple to be, like, chaperones.

Hey, Jackie, do you and Hyde want to go?

I'm in, but I can't ask Steven.

I'm still on probation for tricking him into a ballroom dancing class.

I'll go with you, Jackie, but I warn you, don't drink too much.

I will take advantage.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Ah! I can't believe you finally sprung for cable TV.

Wasn't it you who said, "I'd rather kiss Ho Chi Minh than pay for TV"?

Well, your mother and I are running out of things to talk about, so I thought the extra 20 channels might help fill in the gaps.

Wait a second. Cable guy left? He forgot to hook up the basement.

No, he didn't so much forget, as follow my "don't hook up the basement" instructions.

But, Red, for an extra two bucks a month, your wife and children could be enjoying full-frontal nudity.

But I don't want you to enjoy anything.

I want people your age out of my house.

Hey, I'm only here 'cause you had a heart attack.

I only had a heart attack because you're here.

I'm sorry, Michael, but I'm gonna have to search that bag.

Every time you leave my house with a backpack, I have to buy new hair spray.

I didn't take anything. This is lunch.

I planned a whole romantic day for me and Brooke.

So where are you and Brooke headed?

Well, since she's having a baby, I thought I'd take her to a place that kids and girls like, so I figured I'd start the date off at an amusement park, and we'd go on a ride on the Lightning Whip.

And then I'm gonna take her horseback riding up to this overlook, and then we're gonna get cozy and drink a little bingo-bango.

Oh, sweetie, you're so wrong it makes me want to cry a little.

No, look, pregnant women cannot go on roller coasters, and they definitely can't drink alcohol, or bad things can happen to the baby.

Case in point, Eric.

Well, we didn't know any better back then.

I'm teaching a baby-care class at the hospital.

If you brought Brooke, I think she'd be very impressed.

All right. Yeah, sign us up.

You know, there was a time that all I had to do to impress a girl was turn my eyelids inside out.

This baby's changing everything. Oh!

Thanks again for doing this, Donna.

Grandpa saw me walk in with you, and he slipped me a 20.

Here, you should have this. See, that kind of makes me a hooker.

Well, hello.

Looks like we're sharing a table here.

Here's your drink, here's your bread, and here's your new lover.

You wish.

I'm sitting next to a goddess.

I know. Didn't my hair come out great tonight?

Not you, shorty. Her. I need your help.

This is so easy, Fez. She's like me.

She's a country club girl, and we're bitches.

We only understand one thing, money.

How much should I give her? No.

Fez, act rich.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Eric.

Eric, what are you doing here?

I changed my work schedule so I could make sure that Mitch keeps his tiny little doll hands to himself.

Eric, Mitch is not a threat to you.

Okay, he's a perfectly harmless guy who happens to worship the ground I walk on.

You know, it's not his fault that I'm eye candy.

Well, relax. Don't worry. Everything will be fine.

Welcome to the Holiday Hotel ballroom.

I'll be your waiter this evening.

But unlike a normal waiter, I despise and may try to destroy you.

Waiter, I'm rich.

And as a rich man, I have much more money than you.

Fez, I'm really not in the mood.

Hey, sometimes I'm not in the mood to count all my money, but I do it anyways because I am a fat cat.

Yeah, well, your bow tie is starting to unclip, fat cat.

Unbelievable.

They come to this country, we give them a job...

They're just so ungrateful.

I'm Christy. And you are?

Ferrari.

Fez Ferrari.

This charity car wash was a great idea, girls.

Let's take our shirts off!

Who changed my channel?

What the...

Steven!

What the hell's the matter with you?

Stealing my cable!

Red, before you blow your stack, why don't you take a look at that car wash girl?

She is so sudsy.

You drilled a hole in my floor.

My foot is about to drill a hole in your ass!

But, Red, the car wash girls have to make $500 or their super-freaky love nest is gonna be turned into a bookstore.

Look, there's only one clicker, and that's upstairs.

My cable, my channel.

Stop spraying me, silly, or I'm gonna have to come over there and kiss you.

Tasha, you want a kiss, too?

Wow, Tasha, you have the biggest...

...thunderstorms, which will result in a small-craft advisory...

No, no!

Man, look at all these preggos.

God, that one's walking like a gigantic duck.

She's definitely in her third trimester. The baby probably dropped.

No, I think it's still in there.

It means the baby's gotten itself into the birthing position.

Man, you really know stuff.

I've read every baby book in the library.

By the way, did you ever read that book I gave you by Dr. Spock?

No, I kind of lost interest when I realized it wasn't about Star Trek.

Well, you signed us up for this class, and that was very thoughtful.

Well, that's me. I'm Mr. Thoughtful.

Man, how many kids are you having?

Oh, hi, Michael.

Hope you're ready to talk boo-boos, burps and binkies.

Yeah, Brooke, this is Mrs. Forman, the lady that told me I shouldn't take you horseback riding.

And, Mrs. Forman, this is Brooke, the hot librarian I impregnated.

Well, I am so happy you two are here.

And you should be happy, because you have me as your tour guide as you make the transition to parenthood.

Michael.

But that could have been anybody. Everybody knows I rule.

Okay, all right, okay. Let's get started.

Now, when you first bring your little bundles of joy home, they will spend almost 20 hours a day sleeping and pooping.

Yeah, that's the life, huh?

Now who can tell me what they will do with the rest of their cute little time?

Yes, Brooke. They'll be eating.

Very good. And what will they be eating?

Hey, when you're not looking, I'm gonna sneak the little guy some popcorn.

Michael, babies can't eat popcorn. They don't even have teeth.

My Grandma Bessie doesn't have any teeth, and trust me, she ain't shy around a bucket of popcorn.

Well, Christy says money's great, but she wants to get to know the real me, and I really care about her.

So what's another fake good quality I could pretend to have to trick her into the sack?

Okay, okay, well, she's wearing fur, which means she must love animals, which means she must like sensitive guys.

Sensitive, huh?

You're good.

Hey, cutie. Where you been?

Who the hell do you think you are, talking to me like that?

I'm sensitive. Fez!

I guess it's a tradition for the best man to say a few words.

And all I really want to say is that my brother is not the only one fortunate enough to find himself in love's warm embrace.

So, everybody, I'd like to introduce you to Donna, my new fiancee.

Or, as I like to call her, my big, red love machine. That's her.

Mitch, what the hell are you doing?

Ooh, look at that fireball go.

Feisty at the table, feisty in the bedroom.

No. No.

She's feisty in my bedroom, people, my bedroom.

Okay, he's just some lying, crazy lunatic. He's crazy. This guy's crazy.

And my congratulations to the happy couple.

This is the best wedding I have ever been to.

Falling barometric pressure from a cold front out of Canada.

Look at all that hail in Buffalo.

How can you watch this?

It comforts me to know that there are people out there more miserable than me, like those people in Buffalo, and you.

You have to sit here? Why don't you go read a book?

Why don't you go read a book?

Because I have cable.

Very nice.

Baby says, "It's tight, but not too tight, "and I wuv the way you powdered my wittle bottom."

I never thought I'd say this, but you gotta take it easy on the nads.

I know what I'm doing. It's just, it sounded so much easier in the books.

Okay, there. Let's have a look.

Uh-oh! Baby says, "That's too loose. Now I'm gonna wee-wee on Daddy."

I just have to redo the safety pin.

God, why can't I do this? Oh, no.

Baby says, "Ouch, you poked me. Now I'm gonna cry."

That's it. I give up.

"Oh, Mommy, don't leave me.

"I don't want to end up in state-run foster care."

You know, you seem normal around your family, but out in the world, you're a little nuts.

So it turns out I was right about Mitch.

So let's see, that's you, wrong.

Me, right.

You don't have to rub it in.

I think I do, Donna. So rub-a-dub-dub, I'm right.

I am humiliated!

The only way I'm gonna get my pride back is to kick your ass!

So I'm challenging you to a fight.

That is, unless you're too chicken.

What is this, third grade?

Okay, here's what I just heard.

"Third grade."

Okay, you can stop doing that. I can stop doing that...

Okay, fine. You know what? I'll fight you. Fine.

Good. Tomorrow, 5:15, the playground, you be there!

Why not just do it at 5:00? I have swimming lessons!

Thank you so much for helping me with Christy.

She was telling me what she did last summer at camp, and I think she might be a whore.

So if there's anything I can do for you... Actually, Fez, there is.

When the bride tosses the bouquet, I really want to catch it.

It's such a sweet and magical moment, so I need you to knock some of those fat sluts out of my way.

I will make those Weebles wobble, and they will fall down.

Fez Ferrari, you're so rich and sensitive, I think I might go all the way with you.

But only if you get everyone out of my way so I can catch the bouquet.

How many bouquets do they throw?

One.

Let's see, who do I help? Old friend, new whore?

Old friend, new whore?

What am I saying? Do the right thing, Fez.

Okay, I don't know who gave you a tattoo, but that is not good parenting.

Look, Michael, I don't want to talk about it.

I thought I was ready, but today I found out I don't even know how to use a diaper.

We are gonna be covered in poo.

Look, I think you're underestimating us, all right? Especially me.

Now, these beautiful hands aren't just made for foreplay.

Check it out.

I remember the first time I baby-sat for my little brother, and he power-dooked all over himself, right?

So I got my mom's salad tongs and pulled off his pants, and then I grabbed him by the ankles and took him outside and hosed him off.

And voila.

Oh, Michael, it's so perfect.

See, you got the brains and the maternal instincts, and I know how to wrap ass.

We're gonna do this together, and we're gonna be fine.

"Oh, Daddy, that's just how I like it."

You're really starting to creep me out.

Winds variable out of the northeast, 20 miles an hour with gusts to 45.

Weather kicks ass.

Forman, I'm your bud, so I'm rooting for you in this fight.

But business is business, so I got 50 bucks on the little guy.

Well, I see the chicken showed up for his beating.

How can I be a chicken if I showed up for the fight?

You know, it's funny, 'cause what I just heard was...

Chicken... Fight...

Eric, as someone that has been punched a lot, I have some advice.

Do not move to a new country and try to fit in at high school.

Hey, Forman, come back here so we can go over the rules.

Okay, Eric, one last thing.

You know when we're play fighting, and you grab my wrist, and I go, "Ow! Ow! Ow!"?

That doesn't really hurt.

Okay? So, don't do that.

What? The Forman Death Grip?

Man, I was really counting on that.

What are you doing here? I don't want to fight you.

I was just trying to act tough so I can get my self-respect back.

By threatening me?

It's okay. It's okay.

I've got a way out of this that'll make us both look good.

We'll tell everyone that we worked it out like gentlemen, and now we're the best of friends. What? No.

Mitch, look, Donna was really nice to you, and you humiliated her.

I can't let you treat people like that.

Today I'm...

I'm standing up for all humanity.

Would you do it for a 1968 G.I.Joe Desert Rat edition with the original mess kit?

Please. I have three of those.

The French version? G.I. Jacques.

It does exist.

We got a deal?

Well, I'm afraid there's not gonna be a fight here.

Guys, we worked out our differences, and basically, he's a really great guy.

Donna, he's doing the chicken thing behind me right now!

Yeah. He's really good at it.

That's not the only thing I'm good at, cherry pie.

All right, that's it. You're dead.

Start the car, Mom! Start the car!

...temperatures in the...

Ooh, Mr. Handyman, I'm so glad you're finally here.

There are so many things I need you to nail.

Lucky for you I have a big hammer.

Red, you dirty man!

Mrs. Forman!

What are you watching?

Weather. - Winds variable...