That '70s Show S6E22 Script

Sparks (2004)

Hey, Donna, now that we have our wedding rings and you can't back out, I have something that I want to confess.

I want to do the bunny hop at our wedding.

I'm good at it and I don't get to show it off that often.

Okay, but I want to walk into the reception under an archway of cupcakes.

Ooh! Deal. Okay.

Don't look! Turn away!

Whoa. What? Did you get me a present?

Is it bongo drums?

No. I didn't want you to see my wedding dress.

It's bad luck.

Isn't having sex before the wedding the bad luck thing?

Well, that, too.

Eric, getting married is like one big minefield.

One false step, and limbs just flying everywhere.

Well, don't worry. I didn't see your wedding dress, so...

So, I think we just saved ourselves some bad luck.

Now let's take that credit that we've earned and use it to have sex.

Come on. We can't lose. It's gonna be like playing with the house's money.

Eric, if we broke our celibacy vow now, what would it say about us?

It would say, "Yay! We had sex."

All right, fine.

Can we look at our ring inscriptions, or is that bad luck, too?

Well, no, that I have to look at so I can return it in case you wrote something stupid.

"To Eric, love Donna."

Well, it's not stupid. It's short.

It's terse.

Quite possibly even a little rude.

"All my friends know the low rider."

Um, I don't get it.

Am I the low rider?

Wait. What do you mean all your friends know me?

Are you saying I'm a whore?

No, no, Donna.

Low Rider is the song that was playing in the car at the end of our first date.

Remember, you wore that red dress, and at the end of the night I kissed you, and I remember thinking, I just...

You know, "I just can't believe she's with me."

Eric, that is the most romantic thing I've ever heard.

Take your pants off.

That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Well, fellows, I convinced Donna to break her celibacy vow, which in laymen's terms means I'm a layman.

Damn, Forman, you got your girlfriend to have sex with you?

What is your secret?

Okay, you guys, it's a big deal.

Have either of you ever slept with my girlfriend?

No, but I've done it with Hyde's girlfriend.

And I was good.

Well, just what the heck is this?

What a great auction.

Red had a few beers and bought a canoe.

I bought a canoe.

Who would've thought? Me and Red go out and he's the one to buy something stupid.

I don't know where I'm gonna put this.

Red, why would you buy a canoe?

I think the question is, why haven't I before?

But we can't afford this.

Sure we can. I used the money that you gave me yesterday.

That was for Eric's wedding present.

Congratulations, Eric.

I knew you always wanted a canoe.

Fine, Red. Since you blew the money, I expect you to come up with a nice sentimental gift for Eric that doesn't cost anything.

Well, that's what you get for going out and drinking.

Maybe one day you'll learn to stay at home and drink, like me.

Hey, boys. I bought a canoe.

Oh, hey, Jackie. I just left my coat here after Donna and I...

Well, I'm sure she already filled you in on all the juicy details, so...

Yeah, heard all about your little leg cramp.

Hey, I can turn a leg cramp into magic.


She just doesn't get me.

Oh, no, Donna's wedding dress.

Oh, no.

Donna's wedding dress.

Bad luck. Bad voodoo.

Please, give me a break.

Well, boys, thanks to our time here in the circle, I've come up with a perfectly rational way to keep Donna from finding out that I tore her dress.

I'm gonna destroy the Earth.

Okay, well, first you gotta go to another planet, and then you gotta build a giant death ray and aim it at the Earth.

That's pretty complicated.

I can lend you my sketches if you want.

That's a great plan.

It's like so many of our ideas sound good in the circle, but later on they just sound stupid.

But a death ray, it's awesome!

Fez, stop smelling the dress.

Hey, either I do this now, or I do it at the reception. It's your choice.

So, Mrs. Forman told me to get this thing out of her sight.

Now, that could mean put it in the garage, leave it out for the garbage man.

I like to think it meant, "Hey, have a free canoe."

Man, the three of us with a canoe, we'll be unstoppable.

What should we do with it?

Let's see.

What could we do with a canoe that would make people say

"Oh, no, what's wrong with them?"

I know what we could do today that's gonna be really fun.

Kelso, the last time you said that, we had to get your stomach pumped.

I'm in.

Hey, so, how do you plan on steering this thing on land?


Kelso, I think you should wear a helmet just in case anything goes wrong.

Fez, I'm riding an open canoe down a rocky mountainside.

What could possibly go wrong?

I think I'm with Fez on this helmet thing.

Oh, no, I'm not falling for that one.

Falling for what? The old helmet gag.

Kelso, I just want you to protect your head from being crushed like a berry.

Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Now, let go of the ropes and watch me fly!

One, two, three.

Oh, man!

Stupid thing.


Oh, man, that could've been me!

Okay. I don't get it. Who's the low rider?

It's me.

Then I think he's calling you a whore.

Oh, my God. My dress!

Yeah, doesn't look so good in daylight, does it?

No, it's gone. Did you move it?

I didn't touch it.

Oh! Eric was here earlier. Maybe he did something with it.

Why are you always blaming Eric for everything?

Oh, well, somebody has to or he'll just go through life thinking there's nothing wrong with him.

I know what I could give Eric that's sentimental, my old baseball glove.

Red, anything related to sports will only remind Eric of the things he doesn't do well.

Oh, fine. I'll just go down to the space toy and smart mouth store.


Mom, is Donna here?

No. Why are we whispering?

You tore her dress?

Yeah, see, that would have been a really good thing to whisper!

All right, well, it doesn't look too bad. I think I can fix it.

Put it down. I'll get my sewing box. Mom, thank you.

Not on the shoe polish!

What have you done, you bony bastards?

Okay, okay. I think I can clean it, but we have to act fast.

Okay, go, go, go, go.

Please tell me that sound was a rip in the space-time continuum.

Okay, I'm gonna need some club soda, a little lemon juice and some vodka.

To get the stain out? No, to think straight.


Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Donna's coming.

Have you seen my wedding dress?

Whoa. You lost the wedding dress?

What happens when we have a kid? You gonna lose that, too?

Oh, my God. I'll find it. Don't worry. I'll find it.


What is the matter with you? You just made her feel terrible.

I was nervous. You know I don't know when to shut up.

What the hell is that?

You know, there is gonna be a time when you look back on this, and you're gonna think it's funny.

You're gonna be single, 'cause Donna will never marry you, but you're gonna think it's funny.

We'll get a running start and then I'll jump in and zoom down the hill like the bobsledders do.

And then, because this is a canoe on dirt and gravel instead of a bobsled on ice, bad things are gonna happen to you.

This is why I'm a legend, Fez.

All right, Kelso, this time you're wearing a helmet.

Thanks, Hyde, but I think I'm not gonna put on a helmet with a bunch of worms and stuff crammed inside.

It's not a prank.

Well, now it's not, 'cause I didn't fall for it.

It finally happened. I've become the boy who cried helmet.

Okay, on three. Go!

Holy crap! Did you see me bounce off of that tree?

Honey, what is taking so long?

I told you to put the dress in the wash for 20 minutes.

Yeah, and now it's in the dryer.

Oh, no, please tell me you just put it in.

Okay, okay. Let's look on the bright side.

Maybe grey is a more honest color for Donna.


Um, Fez, I know how you...

How do I say this? Um...

I know you sometimes like to hang out in my closet.

Yes, and?

Do you know what happened to my wedding dress?


I have to go to the bathroom.

Eric, Donna wants to know what happened to her dress.

Oh, tell her you took it.

She'll kill me. She'll kill me more.

Fine, fine.

But at your wedding, I want my own dance solo.

Yeah, absolutely. Anything you want.

With my own spotlight. Fine.

And a mention in the programme. Fine!

Look, but if you don't get upstairs, there will be no wedding, which means there will be no dance solo.

Oh, there will be a dance solo.

I took it.


Uh, I forgot to go to the bathroom.

She wants to know why.

Because you're a pervert.


No, wait. That's true.

I don't even have to lie.

Because I'm a pervert.

Fez, I'm gonna kick your ass.


Oh, my God. What happened to my dress?

Donna, I can explain. I destroyed it.

Ever think maybe we're getting too old for this kind of thing?

No, you can't control the timing of when a canoe is gonna come into your life.

Oh, Steven, this is a horrible stunt. You're gonna get hurt.

No, no, I'm driving the car. Kelso will be in the canoe.

Oh! Okay, have fun.

All right, Kelso, listen. You gotta wear the helmet, all right?

Yeah, protect that face. That's your money.

No, I don't want to.

Kelso, you're not pulling out of this driveway until you put on a helmet.

Fine. Everyone's against me.

Let the sparks fly!

Look at that crazy bastard.

He may not be smart, but he has more fun than all of us combined.

Yep, we had a guy like him in the National Guard.

Yeah, what happened to him? Invented the wiffle ball.

Donna, what happened? It's ruined.

My dress is ruined.

What am I gonna do?

It's okay, honey. I'll find you a new dress, a better dress.

This is my greatest achievement ever!

Dad, I love this dress.

Some random thing off the rack just won't be the same.

The rope broke! Runaway canoe!


Oh, no, Donna, I think I ripped your dress.

Kitty, I think I've got it this time.

For my wedding present for Eric, one of my medals from the war.


How about my uniform from the war? No.

My gun from the war? No.

My boots from the war? No.

My canteen from the war? No.

It can't be anything you had on or near you when you killed somebody.

How about the ring my dad wore?

Oh, that's nice.

When he killed people in World War I.

Well, now you're just trying to make me mad.

Yeah, I am.

Look, Donna, I'm so sorry about what happened.

Well, what I don't get is after the second rip and the first stain, why you didn't just put the dress away.

Well, at that point, it had become personal.

It was me against the dress, and, well, I was damned if I was gonna let the dress win.

You know, I knew we shouldn't have broken our no-sex rule.

We completely cursed ourselves.

Okay, enough of this voodoo nonsense.

Bad things happen because I am stupid.

You're marrying a stupid guy, Donna. Good luck with me.

Here, sweetie. For you.

What's this?

Mom's wedding dress?


Swallowed a little pride and called to ask her if it would be okay.

Yeah, but you guys haven't talked in, like, a year.

It was a little awkward, especially when I said, "It's Bob."

And she said, "Bob who?"

I love it.

Hey, looks like we kind of saved the day.

Don't touch me. Okay.

Thanks, Daddy.

Hey, anything for you, pumpkin.

Plus, I need the room in the attic for my stuffed bobcat.

What was I thinking?

I've got the perfect gift for Eric.

Timeless advice from all my years of marriage.

Well, advice from a father to a son. That's lovely.

That is nice, Dad. What is it?

Never come home drunk with a canoe.

That's actually good advice.

I figured out how to get the canoe down the mountain.

But I'm gonna need a snow blower and all your butter.