That '70s Show S6E5 Script

I'm Free (2003)

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LAVERNE IS SO ANNOYING.

WHY DOES SHIRLEY KEEP PUTTING UP WITH HER CRAP?

SHE HAS TO. THEY'RE IN LOVE.

AGAIN, KELSO, LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE NOT LESBIANS.

TRUST ME, THEY'RE ONE BOTTLE OF WINE AWAY FROM MAKING OUT.

JUST LIKE YOU TWO.

KELSO, DON'T YOU HAVE SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT TO TALK ABOUT RIGHT NOW?

IF YOU GOT A TOPIC MORE IMPORTANT THAN GIRL-ON-GIRL ACTION, I'D LIKE TO HEAR IT.

HOW ABOUT THE FACT THAT BROOKE'S GOT YOUR FEEBLE-MINDED BUN IN HER OVEN.

LOOK, SHE CAN'T BE PREGNANT, OKAY?

IT JUST CAN'T BE TRUE.

MICHAEL, THIS IS NOT SOMETHING GIRLS LIE ABOUT, OKAY?

I WOULD KNOW. I'M AN EXPERT ON GIRL LIES.

KELSO, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS.

NO, BUT DOING SOMETHING IS NOT IN MY NATURE.

"IGNORE," "AVOID," "RUN AWAY"...

THESE WORDS HAVE BEEN VERY GOOD TO ME.

YOU'RE HORRIBLE.

WHAT A PIG.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU GIRLS DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH HERE.

YOU CAN HAVE ALL THE SEX YOU WANT, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT GETTING ANYONE PREGNANT. j&j&j&

LAURIE, TRY THESE BANANA-WALNUT PANCAKES.

I KNOW YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD A THING FOR NUTS.

EVERY MAN IN TOWN KNOWS THAT.

WHY MEN?

OH, NEVER MIND.

YOU GUYS, AN AGENT FROM IMMIGRATION IS COMING TO CHECK ON FEZ AND LAURIE'S MARRIAGE, AND IF HE FINDS OUT IT'S FAKE, FEZ COULD GET DEPORTED.

BUT THIS MARRIAGE IS BASED ON LOVE. RIGHT, HONEY?

DON'T TOUCH ME.

FINE. I'LL GIVE YOU 20 BUCKS TO PRETEND TO BE MY WIFE.

THAT'S GOTTA SOUND FAMILIAR.

STEVEN, IF YOU KEEP DOING THAT, IT'S GONNA BE REALLY HARD FOR ME TO PRETEND I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

THEN I SHOULD GO BECAUSE IT'S JUST TOO EASY...

LIKE LAURIE.

WHEN IS THIS I.N.S. MAN GONNA BE HERE?

SOMETIME THIS WEEK. IT'S A SURPRISE VISIT.

SO I HAVE TO STAY HERE.

STAY HERE?

WITH RED? OH, NO. I CAN'T ALLOW THAT.

WHY NOT? RED LOVES ME.

HONEY, YOU GAVE HIM A HEART ATTACK.

MAYBE HE JUST LOVES FEZ SO MUCH THAT HIS HEART EXPLODED.

PLEASE, MISS KITTY, LET ME STAY.

MOM, COME ON.

OKAY, YOU WIN.

OH, THANK YOU.

THAT WAS A SEXY HUG.

YOU REALLY PUT SOME BOOM-BOOM INTO IT, HUH?

j& HANGIN' OUT j& j& DOWN THE STREET j& j& THE SAME OLD THING j& j& THAT YOU DID LAST WEEK j& j& NOT A THING TO DO j& j& BUT TALK TO YOU j& j& WE'RE ALL ALL RIGHT j& j& WE'RE ALL ALL RIGHT j&j&

HELLO, WISCONSIN!

j&j&j& j& ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT j& j& GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM j& j& SOAPY, SOAPY, SCRUBBY, SCRUBBY j& j& FEZ IS NICE AND CLEAN j&j&

WHAT THE HELL?!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU HEARD, BUT THIS SHOW AIN'T FREE.

WHAT IS THIS DOING HERE?

OKAY, RED, HE JUST HAS TO STAY HERE FOR A FEW DAYS.

BUT KITTY, HE WAS IN MY SHOWER.

HE SAW MY LEGS.

AND HE SAW PEPE.

SHUT UP.

LISTEN, DAD, THE I.N.S. IS COMING, AND IF THEY FIND OUT THIS MARRIAGE IS FAKE, FEZ COULD GET DEPORTED.

WELL, THAT'S ANWAR'S PROBLEM.

OH, BUT I CANNOT GO BACK HOME.

I'M AN AMERICAN NOW.

I'M LAZY, FAT, AND SOFT.

LIKE YOU.

LOOK, YOU DESERVE WHAT YOU GET.

YOU TRICKED LAURIE INTO THIS MESS OF A MARRIAGE.

SHE'S INNOCENT AND NAIVE.

THE ONLY REASON SHE GOT CAUGHT UP IN THIS IS BECAUSE SHE LOVES TOO MUCH.

WELL, THAT LAST PART'S TRUE. j&j&j&

SHOOT, IT'S BROOKE. HIDE ME.

HEY!

I'M SORRY, DONNA. SQUEEZING YOUR BUTT GIVES ME COURAGE.

SO, MICHAEL...

YOU SPLIT PRETTY QUICK THE OTHER DAY.

MAYBE WE SHOULD TALK OR SOMETHING.

YOU GOT IT.

ONE SEC.

KELSO!

DONNA, LET GO OF MY LEG!

I SWEAR I GOT NO PROBLEM KICKING A GIRL!

LOOK, YOU'VE DONE A LOT OF STUPID CRAP OVER THE YEARS...

YOU STOLE MY PANTIES.

YOU TIED MY HAMSTER TO A BOTTLE ROCKET.

AND I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I CAUGHT YOU PEEPING THROUGH MY WINDOW.

FIVE.

LOOK, THE POINT IS, I LET IT ALL SLIDE BECAUSE UNDERNEATH I KNEW YOU WERE A GOOD GUY.

BUT IF YOU BAIL ON BROOKE, I WILL NEVER RESPECT YOU AGAIN, AND NEITHER WILL ANYBODY ELSE.

LOOK, I KNOW, OKAY? I KNOW.

I JUST... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

WELL, KELSO, YOU NEED TO GO TALK TO HER.

OKAY. GOOD.

WHAT?

"TOUCH DONNA PINCIOTTI'S PANTIES FOR 5 BUCKS.

CALL MICHAEL KELSO"?

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AND THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I EVER TASTED CHOCOLATE.

THAT'S A GREAT STORY, MAN, BUT, UH, IT'S LIKE 2:00 IN THE MORNING.

SO WE GOTTA GO TO SLEEP.

BUT I FORGOT MY TAPE OF MY OCEAN SOUNDS.

AND I CANNOT FALL ASLEEP WITHOUT IT.

CAN YOU MAKE OCEAN SOUNDS FOR ME?

YEAH, I'M NOT DOING THAT.

OKAY, THEN LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE FIRST TIME I ATE A BLOW POP.

LICK NUMBER ONE... WHAT A SURPRISE.

YOU ARE FORGETTING THE WHALE SONGS.

LISTEN, MAN, I'VE ONLY BEEN TO THE OCEAN ONCE, AND THE CLOSEST THING I SAW TO A WHALE WAS SOME FAT GUY SELLING DRUGS.

FINE. LICK NUMBER TWO... STILL NO GUM?

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF?!

OH, GREAT, DAD. YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU WOKE HIM UP, YOU PUT HIM BACK TO SLEEP!

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HEY.

UH...

IT'S BEEN POINTED OUT TO ME THAT I'VE BEEN ACTING A LITTLE FLAKY ABOUT, UM...

OUR SITUATION.

I DISAGREE. FLAKY MEANS YOU'RE NOT CONSISTENT.

YOU RUN AWAY EVERY TIME YOU SEE ME.

ANYWAY, UH...

I THINK WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

I'M SURE YOU'RE GONNA WANT ME TO MEET YOUR PARENTS, AND LUCKY FOR YOU, I LOOK GOOD IN A SUIT.

HELL, I LOOK GOOD IN ANYTHING, BUT YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT.

ACTUALLY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

AS FAR AS THE BABY AND I ARE CONCERNED, YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK.

SO, YOU'RE JUST LETTING ME GO?

YEP.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THIS EVER AGAIN.

AND I WON'T!

WOW! YOU'RE LIKE THE COOLEST GIRL I EVER DID IT WITH AT A CONCERT!

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OH, HONEY, YOU LOOK TERRIBLE.

OH, YOU DON'T LOOK SO HOT YOURSELF, SISTER.

I BEG YOUR PARDON.

RED MADE ME SLEEP IN THE BASEMENT, AND EVERY TIME I STARTED TO FALL ASLEEP, HYDE WOULD PUT A POPSICLE ON MY NECK.

THAT'S MY DADDY'S CHAIR.

THAT'S MY DADDY'S CHAIR.

FEZ, LOOK, MAN, YOU GOTTA START KISSING RED'S BUTT A LITTLE, OR HE'S GONNA MAKE SURE YOU GET DEPORTED.

HE SHOULD BE KISSING MY BUTT FOR TAKING HIS TRASHY DAUGHTER OFF HIS HANDS.

I'M NOT THAT TRASHY.

I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU.

OH, ZIP IT, JEZEBEL.

OUT OF MY CHAIR, TONTO.

OH, COME ON. A CHAIR IS A CHAIR.

BRANCH OUT A LITTLE. TRY THE PIANO BENCH.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

LAURIE, GO GET A CUP OF MILK.

WHY?

IT'LL KEEP FEZ'S TEETH ALIVE UNTIL WE GET HIM TO THE DENTIST.

HI, SIR. HAL ARMSTRONG FROM THE IMMIGRATION SERVICE.

I'M HERE TO CONDUCT SOME INTERVIEWS.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW? 'CAUSE I'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING.

IS IT TOO LATE TO GIVE YOU BACK YOUR CHAIR?

OH, NO, DON'T GET UP.

THIS COULD BE THE LAST TIME YOU SIT ON FURNITURE THAT YOU DIDN'T BUILD OUT OF MUD AND TWIGS.

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SO, AGENT ARMSTRONG, CAN'T WAIT TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THIS MARRIAGE.

YOU GOT HANDCUFFS, RIGHT?

RED. RED, WHY DON'T YOU HELP ME IN THE KITCHEN?

LAURIE, MAKE OUR GUEST COMFORTABLE.

HEY, G-MAN.

OKAY, RED, JUST BECAUSE HE SAT IN YOUR CHAIR IS NO REASON TO GET THE BOY DEPORTED.

YOU DON'T LIKE ME BECAUSE I'M NOT FROM HERE.

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU BEING A FOREIGNER.

IT'S ABOUT YOU TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY DAUGHTER LIKE A SNEAKY FOREIGNER.

WAIT, DAD, LOOK.

I STAYED HOME FROM COLLEGE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU AND MOM IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED. OKAY, YOU OWE ME.

THAT IS JUST LIKE A WOMAN TO BRING THAT UP.

YOU KNOW, LAURIE COULD GET IN A LOT OF TROUBLE, TOO.

WHAT KIND OF TROUBLE?

BIG TROUBLE, DAD. SHE COULD GO TO JAIL...

OR BACK TO JAIL.

WELL, COME ON. IT'S LIKE...

WHERE HAS SHE BEEN FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS?

ALL RIGHT, FINE, I WON'T VOLUNTEER ANYTHING.

BUT IF HE ASKS ME A DIRECT QUESTION, I'M NOT LYING.

OH, YOU WON'T HAVE TO. I'LL DO ALL THE TALKING FOR YOU.

WELL, YOU'LL BE GOOD AT THAT.

AND I GUESS IT MIGHT BE FUN TO JUST SIT BACK AND WATCH TARZAN HERE CRUMBLE BEFORE THE FULL FORCE OF THE U.S. GOVERNMENT.

OKAY, THAT'S IT. ANWAR I CAN DEAL WITH.

TONTO, IN THE BALLPARK, BUT TARZAN...

TARZAN IS A WHITE GUY.

DON'T SASS ME, TARZAN.

MICHAEL, THERE IS NO WAY BROOKE SAID YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK.

OKAY, I BET SHE SAID, "I'M GONNA TAKE EVERY PENNY YOU HAVE, "YOU IRRESPONSIBLE BASTARD," BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I WOULD SAY.

NO. SHE DEFINITELY SAID "OFF THE HOOK."

MAN, I AM ONE TALL, CUTE, LUCKY KID.

SO THAT'S IT, MAN?

IT'S LIKE THIS THING WITH YOU AND BROOKE NEVER HAPPENED?

YEAH. WAIT, NO.

I MEAN, THERE'S STILL GONNA BE A BABY OUT THERE. BUT...

MY LIFE'S BACK TO NORMAL.

SORTA.

I MEAN, IT'S KIND OF WEIRD.

I'M NOT GONNA THINK ABOUT IT 'CAUSE I DON'T NEED TO.

I SHOULD BE HAPPY RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I AM HAPPY RIGHT NOW.

YEAH. I THINK.

YEAH, THINK, FEEL, LOOK DEEP INSIDE, LIKE DEEP, DEEP INSIDE ALMOST TO CHINA.

THERE'S A GOOD GUY IN THERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? DON'T LECTURE ME, OKAY?

I WENT TO HER, AND I TRIED TO TALK TO HER, AND SHE SAID IT WAS COOL, WHICH IS AWESOME, BECAUSE THIS COULD, LIKE, SCREW UP MY WHOLE LIFE.

YEAH, MAN, YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA STAY FOCUSED IF YOU'RE GONNA INVENT THOSE QUADRUPLE OREOS.

THOSE ARE A SECRET, MAN.

NO, YEAH, THIS IS GOOD.

WHY PUT YOURSELF OUT FOR SOME KID?

CHILDREN GROW UP WITHOUT DADS ALL THE TIME.

RIGHT.

YEAH, LIKE STEVEN.

WELL, I DON'T WANT HIM ENDING UP LIKE HYDE.

WITH HAIR ALL FRIZZED OUT WITH ANGRY THOUGHTS.

OW!

AND VIOLENT, TOO.

KELSO, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO, BUT YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO IT 'CAUSE YOU'RE TOO MUCH OF A TOOL.

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S REAL EASY TO TALK ABOUT THE RIGHT THING TO DO WHEN IT'S NOT YOUR LIFE.

TOOL.

OH, STEVEN, YOU'RE SENSITIVE TO THIS BECAUSE YOUR FATHER DITCHED YOU, TOO.

THAT IS SO FOXY.

HEY, WHY DON'T WE GO DOWN TO MY ROOM, I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME MY MOM GOT SO LOADED ON MOUTHWASH, SHE LOST OUR RENT MONEY AT THE TRACK.

OKAY, YOU TWO CLAIM TO BE MARRIED AND LIVING HERE.

TO VERIFY THIS, I'M GOING TO SEPARATE YOU ALL AND ASK YOU A SERIES OF QUESTIONS ABOUT THE COUPLE.

LET ME REMIND YOU, YOU'RE ALL UNDER OATH.

UNDER OATH?

I MEAN...

UNDER OATH, BRAVO.

OKAY, FIRST QUESTION...

WHAT KIND OF TOOTHPASTE DOES FEZ USE?

I BRUSH MY TEETH WITH COLGATE.

IT IS THE ONLY THING THAT CUTS THROUGH THE MILK DUDS.

WHO THE HELL CARES ABOUT TOOTHPASTE?

THIS KID AND MY DAUGHTER ARE...

HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY!

I... WAIT, WHY AM I UNDER OATH?

'CAUSE IF I SAY CREST AND THE ANSWER IS MINTY CREST, I MEAN, THAT'S LIKE, UH, PERJURY.

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TO ME?

OH, MY GOD, WHY ARE YOU WRITING THIS DOWN?

HOW LONG DID FEZ AND LAURIE DATE BEFORE THEY GOT MARRIED?

WHO NEEDS TO DATE? I HAD HER IN THE SACK FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY "CORN ON THE COB."

SPEAKING OF DATES, I MAKE AN INCREDIBLE DATE-NUT BREAD.

THE SECRET IS TO SOAK THE DATES IN SOME GOOD STRONG RUM.

WHICH REMINDS ME, WHO NEEDS A DRINK?

I KNOW I DO.

I... I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG THEY DATED.

I... OH, MY GOD, I'M GOING TO PRISON, AREN'T I?

I'M GONNA GET SHANKED.

WHAT IS FEZ'S FAVORITE TV SHOW?

WELL, IT DEPENDS.

BASICALLY, I JUST FLIP UNTIL I SEE NIPPLES.

SOMETIMES, I FEEL LIKE A LOAF OF BREAD.

EVERYONE KEEPS TAKING A SLICE OF ME UNTIL ALL THAT'S LEFT ARE TWO CRUSTY PIECES THAT NOBODY WANTS.

AND I JUST WANT TO SCREAM, "APPRECIATE ME, DAMN IT."

BUT I DON'T. WHY?

BECAUSE MY MOTHER ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT NICE GIRLS SHOULDN'T MAKE A FUSS.

AND NOW, I AM A FLIPPIN' DOORMAT!

OKAY, LOOK, MAN.

PRISON IS NOT AN OPTION FOR ME, OKAY?

I CAN'T PEE IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE.

WELL...

DESPITE A FEW INTERESTING ANSWERS AND ONE RECIPE...

MY JUDGMENT IS THAT YOUR MARRIAGE IS LEGITIMATE.

CONGRATULATIONS.

ALL RIGHT, PEPE AND I ARE AMERICANS.

NO WONDER THIS COUNTRY'S GOING IN THE TOILET.

WHAT WAS THAT, SIR?

NOTHING. NOTHING. HE SAID HE HAS TO USE THE TOILET.

THAT'S WHY HE'S BEEN SO QUIET.

IF YOU'RE TRYING TO PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER, DON'T WORRY.

WE NEVER GO AFTER THE BRIDE, ESPECIALLY SUCH A PRETTY ONE.

IF THERE WAS A CRIME COMMITTED, WE'D ONLY BE INTERESTED IN THIS ONE.

SO IF THERE'S SOMETHING YOU WANT TO SAY, BY ALL MEANS, SAY IT.

FINE, I WILL.

I JUST WANTED TO SAY...

THESE TWO KIDS ARE MARRIED AND...

VERY MUCH IN LOVE.

IN FACT, I'VE NEVER SEEN A LOVE LIKE THIS.

THANK YOU, MR. RED. IT MEANS A LOT.

HEY, WHAT ABOUT THANKING ME?

THIS GUY TRIED TO BREAK ME.

BUT LUCKY FOR YOU, DOUBLE-O FOREMAN IS ROCK SOLID.

WOW, YOU REALLY ARE PREGNANT.

THEY MAKE THEM REALLY TINY NOW.

QUARTER POUND, MY ASS.

HEY.

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

KELSO, THAT'S GREAT!

HERE, TAKE MY SEAT. SIT DOWN. COME ON.

I'LL JUST BE RIGHT OVER THERE.

GOOD FOR YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

AT FIRST, WHEN YOU TOLD ME THAT I WAS OFF THE HOOK, I WAS LIKE TOTALLY PSYCHED, RIGHT?

BUT THEN I STARTED TO THINK ABOUT IT, AND I DON'T WANNA BE OFF THE HOOK.

I WANNA BE A PART OF THIS KID'S LIFE.

MICHAEL, I DIDN'T LET YOU OFF THE HOOK TO BE NICE.

I JUST DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A BABY.

NO, BUT I DO.

IT MEANS TAKING HIM TO T-BALL GAMES AND TEACHING HIM HOW TO RIDE A BIKE AND TAKING HIM TO THE DOCTOR WHEN HE'S SICK.

AND WHAT IF IT'S A GIRL?

OH, IT'S NOT GONNA BE A GIRL. WE DID IT STANDING UP.

UH-HUH.

OKAY, MAYBE THIS WILL CHANGE YOUR MIND.

I WENT AND GOT SOME STUFF TODAY TO WELCOME THE LITTLE GUY INTO THE WORLD...

THIS LITTLE SWEATER TO KEEP HIM WARM.

AND THIS LITTLE HAT TO KEEP THE SUN OFF OF HIS FACE.

AND I GOT SOME POP ROCKS

'CAUSE I ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE A BABY EAT POP ROCKS.

MICHAEL, IF YOU GET INVOLVED, I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TWO BABIES TO TAKE CARE OF INSTEAD OF ONE.

LOOK, YOU CAN TRY TO GET RID OF ME, BUT I'M NOT WALKING AWAY FROM THIS.

I'M SORRY.

I JUST DON'T WANT YOU TO BE THE FATHER OF MY CHILD.

THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.

YEAH, "GO TALK TO HER AND DO THE RIGHT THING."

KELSO, I'M SO SORRY.

I WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING I COULD DO TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

WELL, THERE ISN'T.

OKAY, FINE.

I'LL GIVE YOU 10 SECONDS TO SQUEEZE MY ASS AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS, BUT THERE'S SOME THINGS THAT A GIRL'S ASS CAN'T FIX.

WELL, FEZ, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR GREEN CARD.

BUT REMEMBER, THIS IS AMERICA, AND YOU STILL LOOK FOREIGN, SO DON'T EXPECT TO BE TREATED EQUALLY.

WELL, I'M GOING TO BECOME AMERICA'S SEXIEST SINGING COWBOY.

HOWDY, LADIES. MEET PEPE.

YOU KNOW, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH BROOKE REALLY HURTS, BUT I THINK IN A COUPLE DAYS WHEN I START TO HEAL, I'M GONNA BE REALLY PSYCHED THAT DONNA LET ME SQUEEZE HER ASS.

I MEAN, EVEN NOW, I'M REFLECTING UPON HOW SOFT IT WAS.

SO WHAT KIND OF CHANCE DO YOU THINK I HAVE WITH THE BLONDE?