That '70s Show S6E7 Script

Christmas (2003)

So, you gotta work at the radio station on Christmas Eve?

God, it's like, doesn't anyone respect the sanctity of that holy night?

We were gonna get drunk and fool around behind your dad's manger scene.

But this is my first shot at deejaying.

If I do well, Hot Donna could be the regular DJ on Tuesdays from 1:00 to 5:00 a.m.

Every insomniac and burn-out in town is gonna know who I am.

Well, say hello to your target audience.

Play more Zeppelin.

You guys, I've got some terrible news.

I've just been kicked off the cheerleading squad.

Oh, my gentle Jesus! Oh, no!

Oh, why?

Jackie, I know how you feel. I once got kicked off a cheerleader.

Well, I need to get back on that squad.

They might be a bunch of pom-pom waving bitches, but they're all I know.

Steven, you've gotta take me to the Christmas Eve dance tomorrow night.

Uh, no.

I can either dance with you or spend Christmas Eve with you.

Cannot do a combo.

Steven, they will never take me back if I don't show up all proud.

If you could just see No.

That this is something that's really important to me, No.

Then you'd understand that, as my boyfriend, you should go.

No! Fine.


Fine. Okay.

Hey, shut up.

If I'm going, you guys are coming with me.

Oh, no. I cannot go to a high-school dance.

I'm gonna be a father soon, I gotta start acting more mature.

All right, orange!

Yeah, I'm not going either.

The football team and I have a little disagreement.

They think it's funny to stuff me into a locker, and I disagree.

Yeah, man, the day I graduated, I promised myself I would never set foot in that godforsaken place again.

Great news, kids.

Red's gonna be the Santa down at the mall on Christmas Eve, and I've signed you all up to be his little helpers.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mom.

We're all going to the Christmas Eve dance at school.


j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right Hello, Wisconsin!

Don't go away, kids, A Year Without A Santa Claus will be right back.

Man, Heat Miser's badass.

So, what time are you coming down to the station tonight?

Let's see, the Christmas dance starts at 8:00, so I'll just come as soon as it gets lame.

Say, uh, 8:02.

Yeah. Hey, you know what?

I'll even bring you something sweet to munch on.

Oh, and some cookies.

What? Oh, what?

Okay, now, please...

Stand still.

Nobody likes a Santa with plumber's butt.

Why am I doing this?

Because I wanna force some good cheer through your clogged arteries and into your cranky heart.

Yeah, it's like Christmas Drano.

I can't believe you're replacing me as Santa, Red.

Three years and now management says I'm too jolly.

What do you want, Bob?

I want to be Santa.

Well, it's Red's turn this year.

Santa could use an elf.

Fine, but I don't wanna sit in the back and pretend to assemble toys.

I want to participate.

Yeah, Bob, you gotta keep your dignity.

If you're in an elf costume, you don't want that tiny hammer making you look silly.

Steven, for the Christmas Eve dance... No.

What do you think about this tie? No.

Maybe this jacket... No.

How about a blazer? No.

Fine... Bolo?

Fine. Okay.

Okay, Brooke, I made a list of reasons why I'm gonna make a great dad for our little baby.

Okay, number one, I am a waiter.

So we'll never run out of straws.

See? Look, kids love straws.

Michael, I really appreciate the gesture, but no thanks.

Seriously, I think if we just hang out, you'll see that I'm getting a lot more mature.

I mean, just the other day I watched golf and took a nap.

Look, Michael, if we weren't in this situation, I think you'd be a really good friend.

I mean, you're nice, you bring me stuff, dogs love you.

I just think we should limit our time together to almost none.

Okay, how about we make a compromise between "almost none" and what I want to do, which is "it"?

Okay, if you want, you can help me hang decorations tonight for the library's Christmas party.

Spend Christmas Eve in a library?

Why don't you just kick me in the 'nads?

Okay, here comes Julie, the head cheerleader.

Now, Steven, make me look good.

Hello, Jackie.

Hello, Julie.

This is my boyfriend, Steven J. Hyde III.

First two are in jail.

He pretends to be poor. Isn't that funny?

I have to say, I thought you'd be too embarrassed to show your face here tonight.

Well, to be honest, I only came to see your outfit, so I'd know what not to wear.

Well, let me show you the back.

If you're trying to get back on the cheerleading squad, shouldn't you be nice to her?

Bitchiness is the only language cheerleaders understand.

These are bad girls, they need to be punished, and they know it.

Yeah, this is way better than hanging out at the library with Brooke.

Lot of great memories in here.

Did it in there.

Did it back there.

Got caught by Miss Tompkins doing it down there.

Did it with Miss Tompkins over there.

Everyone, look for football players.

I cannot spend another holiday in a locker.

And this time, if I don't show up for two days, come look for me.

Oh, my God! Eric Forman?

You look great, I love your shirt.


I wore this shirt for four years, and no one said a thing.

I guess now you really fill it out.


I'm, like, up to 17 push-ups a night so...

No, I don't think that's it.

I think it's because you're not a high-school boy anymore.

Yeah, you're 18 now.

You've seen and done it all.

No, no, I...


Yes, I have.

Hey, you need to watch out, okay? Girls are talking to you.

I think there might be a practical joke in the works.

No, man, I don't think so.

I think it's 'cause I graduated.

Hyde, am I cool now?

Well, you're cool like margarine is butter.

Close, but there's a little aftertaste.

j& Women to the left of me j& And women to the right j& Ain't got no gun j& Ain't got no knife j& Don't you start no fight

j& 'Cause I'm T.N.T., I'm dynamite j& T.N.T. and I'll win the fight j& T.N.T. I'm a power load j& T.N.T. watch me explode

j& I'm dirty, mean and mighty unclean j&

You're in the middle of a Christmas Eve rock block on WFPP with me, Hot Donna.

That was bacon.

I recorded that myself earlier today.

Stay tuned for more Christmas classics with me, Hot Donna.

I'm sorry, but that is just too cool.

Okay, Mr Claus, let's hear your best Santa laugh.

Ho, ho.

You left out a "ho", Red.

It's three "ho's". Did you even read the Santa manual?

Okay, Red, I'm sure you'll do fine.

Just remember, Santa is a cheerful, jolly fellow, who never calls a child "dumbass".

So, what do you want for Christmas?

I want a slinky.

A slinky? Oh, you'll get sick of a slinky in a day.

I'm putting you down for flash cards.

Math, that's what you're getting for Christmas.


I want a pony.

Ponies die.

What you need is a good pair of boots.

Go on, keep it moving.

I want a flying car.

I did, too, when I was your age, kid.

But then the future came and took my dreams away.

Just like it's gonna take yours.

Okay, okay, little girl, you know what?

I bet, if you're extra good, you'll get your flying car one day.

Don't listen to her. It's a lie.

Bad Santa.

Yep, life after graduation sure is sweet.

Some days I wake up and I'm like, "Hey, I'm having ice-cream for breakfast."

And you know what? I do.


So, what have you two been up to since graduation?

She talked to me. What do I do?

Yeah, I got a librarian pregnant.

Damn! Good answer!

So, like, Eric, what are your plans for the future?

Well, I guess I'm just gonna keep on keeping on, you know?

I'm thinking about buying a boat.

Okay, we're back, and if my boyfriend's listening, you're late and I'm a little worried you're trapped in a snowdrift or something.

So, honey, if you're cold, I'm with you, baby.

Okay, so let's take some requests.

Hello, you're on the air.

Hi, I'd like to dedicate He's the Greatest Dancer by Sister Sledge to Eric Forman, the coolest guy at the Christmas dance.

What? He's still at the dance?

Sorry, I have to go. He's telling us about his boat.

That sneaky bastard.

That sneaky bastard, Santa Claus, is on his way with a non-stop block of classic Christmas tunes.

And remember, you're listening to WFPP, with me, Hot Donna.

You hear that, Eric Forman?

That's not bacon, that's your ass when I get a hold of you.

Hey, I brought you something sweet to munch on.

Oh! And some cookies.

Man, I knew that was funny.

Man, I can't stop thinking about Brooke.

I mean, both you and me know that every girl in here wants me, except for the couple of weirdoes that seem to want you, but I don't care about any of them.

Look, Kelso, are you sure you don't just have a crush on Brooke because she's a librarian, and you've seen some librarian layout in Playboy?

Eric, I'm sure that's part of it.

Whatever. I'm going to the library.

Whoa, that felt weird to say.

Steven, you don't look like you're having a good time.

I'm not.

I know, but I need you to act like you are.

Just think about stuff you enjoy, like shoplifting or dirty jeans.

Jackie, how come you never told me you were dating an older man?

Well, I guess I was just distracted by the life I lead outside of cheerleading, where I do fun and glamorous things, with my older, mysterious boyfriend.

That's true. Why, just last week, we sat on the couch and had a fight.

I'm jealous.

This dance sucks.

None of the girls remember me. They all think I'm a waiter.

Hey, I got an idea how you can get these girls' attention.

Oh, boy, does it involve me hiding in the girls' bathroom?


Okay, we'll try your way.

And that's what really happened in Vietnam.

I don't understand.

Neither do I, kid. Neither do I.

Okay, little boy, time to say goodbye to Santa.

What's an ambush?

It's a pretty bush with yellow flowers.

Kitty, I gotta tell you, I'm good with kids.

I really taught him something.

You know, I think I'm beginning to feel the Christmas spirit.

Well, I'm glad, Red.

But let's try telling a Christmas story where nobody gets caught in a firefight.

Bob, what the hell are you doing?

You're depressing the kids. I'm Santa now.

Get out of my chair, Bob, or you're gonna get a candy cane up your chimney.

I'm not moving.

Kitty, hold my silly red hat.

You're right, I really am funny.

What do you think you're doing? Eric, you never showed up.

I was worried about you.

Well, I'm sorry, I guess I lost track of time.

Maybe it's because I am a god to these people.

Donna, they like this shirt.

This is a horrible shirt.

I gave you that shirt.

I know. I love this shirt.

Eric, I can't believe you let yourself get a swelled head just because a couple of high-school kids think you're cool.

Excuse me, aren't you Hot Donna?

You were so awesome on the radio today.

You really think?

Wait, what's going on?

I think we're in for a treat.

j& I'll have a blue Christmas j&

Nice decorations.

I see you're using one of the better-tasting glues.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I just thought, instead of having a fun Christmas Eve somewhere else, I'd rather have a boring one here with you.

But we could have some fun.

Michael, I've told you before, just because you come to the library after hours, does not mean I'm gonna walk around topless.

But it's Christmas.

Oh, here let me help you with the decorations.

Pregnant women should not be standing on their tiptoes, 'cause the baby will come out all cross-eyed.

Listen, if you think you're gonna get me interested in you by being cute and making me laugh...

Well, it's probably gonna work.

But if you screw this up, I am gonna ruin your credit with thousands of dollars in library fines.

Fair enough.

Well, what say we seal this newfound friendship with a round of topless ornament hanging?

Okay, fine! Whatever you wanna do.


This mall is only big enough for one Santa, Bob.

Tell you what, you name five reindeer and I'll step down.

I can name five toes that are gonna be in your ass.

Oh, for goodness' sake!

Why don't we stop calling it Christmas and call it "Assmas"?

Fine, I'll go.

I only got worked up because Joanne's gone, Donna's working.

The only people I have at home are my two friends, Egg and Nog.

All right, fine.

You wanna be Santa, go ahead.

Thanks, Red.

Yeah, it's all for the best.

I've already eaten about two pounds of fake beard as it is.

There he is. Santa's the one who told me that communists hate God.

Gotta go, Santa.

Merry Christmas, Bob. Mrs Claus needs a drink.

And then I push a button, and it sounds like bacon.

This is so awesome. We're like a celebrity couple.

It's intoxicating.

Donna, it is a heady brew.

Hey, let's go drink beer in front of some sophomores.

Jackie, in light of you showing up tonight with your boyfriend, who, by the way, is totally cool and a fox...

Big newsflash there.

...I'd like to invite you to rejoin the cheer squad.

Really? Yeah.


You know, I don't think I wanna be a cheerleader anymore.

But we hugged and jumped.

Well, I'm gonna have to take back that hug and jump with a pout and a shrug.

Are you telling me I came to this hellhole for nothing?

No, not for nothing, Steven.

I realize these girls aren't my friends anymore.

I learned something about myself.

Oh, well, isn't that...

Okay, well, if it makes you feel any better, I get to keep the uniform.

Yeah, that helps. Yeah.

You set me up! "Sing a song, they'll all love you."

Well, I'm gonna spend Christmas in a locker.

Oh, crap, I'm still on the air!

Jigsaw puzzle.

Baseball glove.

Barbie doll tea set.

Wow, you're good at this.

Yeah, I've had a little practice.

Ant farm.

It's a Lone Ranger cap gun set.