That '70s Show S6E8 Script

I'm a Boy (2004)

Good morning. Try, "Good 1:30."

I'm just so worn out from carrying around all this tip money.

There you go, Mom.

Why don't you kick up the thermostat a couple of degrees on me?

Well, thank you, honey.

And you have been such a big help, working yourself nearly to death, I made you your special sandwich.

Oh.

The Eric McSweetie.

It's a regular sandwich. Hold the masculinity.

Oop, oop, oop.

It's almost time for Red's doctor's appointment. Have to iron his underwear.

No crust? Check. Extra jelly? Check. My mommy loves me? Check.

Eric, wow, you look beat.

Yeah, I was working until, like, 1:00 last night.

My poor baby. I know something that'll cheer you up.

Today, I got my first bridal magazine.

We can spend the whole afternoon talking about wedding stuff.

Like the groomsmen can wear kilts.

Donna, you know how much I'd love to spend four or five hours talking about the wedding, or clothes, or clothes for the wedding, but, God, I'm so beat from last night.

Okay, well, why don't you go back to bed and I'll crawl in with you after class?

But this time, sweep the bed for G.I. Joes, 'cause that last thing that happened, that was unpleasant.

Life is a cabaret, my friend.

We didn't work until 1:00. We got off at 10:00 and played poker.

Hyde, let's not weigh ourselves down with the truth here.

When I started working full-time, I thought that my life was gonna be a total grind, but my mom, Donna, they can't do enough for me.

Look at this. Heart shaped sandwiches. Donna's giving me sexy naps.

As God as my witness, I will never go hungry or horny again.

Will you please wear the ironed underwear?

I have a reputation to protect.

Eric, you're driving me to my doctor's appointment. Please put on pants.

Eric is a little tired from working so late, so I found someone else to drive you.

Jump in, Smokey. Bandit's on the move.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Okay, Brooke, here's the thing.

We should date.

Michael, I'm pregnant with your child.

Pretty much the best and worst things about dating have already happened to us.

Okay, but we missed out on all the in-between, like...

Okay, we need to spice up our illegitimate pregnancy with a little romance.

I mean, look how much we have in common.

You are having my baby and I am the father of your baby.

Okay, look, don't pretend you wanna go out with me just because you feel guilty.

Brooke, I wanna go out with you because you're hot.

Okay, fine. But I'm not hot. I've gained six pounds.

That's okay 'cause it's mostly in your boobs.

See, nature does this to keep us guys around while you gals chunk out.

Okay, let's get a couple of things straight.

I don't wanna be here. You don't wanna be here.

I want to be here.

Fine. I don't wanna be here and I don't care what you want.

Okay, then, are you buckled up? Yes.

Because the little blinking man on the dashboard says you aren't.

Buckle up.

No. Yes.

No. Look, start this car or I'm gonna pack you in a crate, take you down to the port, and trade you for a year's supply of bananas.

Hey. Hey.

You awake?

Well, if I were asleep, there would be six of you all making out with yourselves, so...

I can't believe how late you have to stay at the restaurant.

Well, you know that grated cheese you like so much?

Gets grated the night before.

Yeah, little thing we like to call "prep," so...

I love it when you use restaurant talk.

Donna, I have to warn you, I'm exhausted, so you're gonna have to do all the work.

Why should today be any different?

Okay.

I need to know what to do on a first date with a woman who's carrying my child.

Hold her while she weeps.

Hey, wait, what if you guys came to dinner with me and Brooke?

Make it easier to find stuff to talk about. No.

No, man. There's no way I'm going on a date with your ex-girlfriend who is now my girlfriend, and your new girlfriend who doesn't want to be your girlfriend but is pregnant with your child.

It's like hillbilly territory.

I'll pay. I'm in.

Well, then, I have to go find something to wear.

I mean, I'm happy that Brooke's gonna have a father for her baby and all, but I still have to look prettier than her.

Well, I was woken from my afternoon nap by my girlfriend for some afternoon delight.

After which, I took another afternoon nap.

You know what I have right in the palm of my hand?

No one wants to know that. Just wash up.

The secret of life.

You know what? I'm taking this one step further, fellas.

I'm gonna get fat.

Yeah, I'll never be strong,

but I think I can be fat.

That's a pretty thought.

Come on, Fez, don't be scared. Go say hi.

No, he's too fat.

I don't know where his face is.

He can't eat you. He can't even move. Watch.

That tickles.

Something's poking me.

G.I. Joe! There you are.

Wonder what else is in there.

Kelso! Kelso!

I thought you moved away. I've been living on crumbs.

All right, okay, laugh all you want. But all I see is a guy who doesn't have to get out of bed to go to the bathroom.

And that's beautiful.

Hey, look, there's the Elks lodge. Pull over.

But I thought we would celebrate the good checkup.

There's this pie down at the coffee shop I've been flirting with for days.

How about this for a celebration?

I'm going in there with my buddies and you wait in the car.

But that doesn't sound like fun.

Well, that's how we celebrate in America.

Okay, let's head for home.

So, now you're not gonna talk? Why should I talk?

My feelings are obviously of no consequence to you.

All right, maybe I stayed a little longer than I expected.

Hey, look, how about we stop for some pie?

No. Oh, come on. Let me get you a pie.

I am not in the mood.

Oh, just let me buy you...

There will be no pie!

Wow, good pot.

There's gotta be like four or five bucks in there.

Yeah, you guys are going down. I got a full house.

I mean, what do I got?

Why don't we bet a lot and see?

Kelso, I know you think you got a full house, but you're only holding two cards.

So I'll raise.

This is great. It's 1:00 in the morning, I'm not alone,

and I'm not alone. This is great.

Guys, I don't want to brag.

My belt's getting pretty tight.

I think Operation Fat Eric is well underway.

What the hell are you doing?

Donna. You told me you were working.

I brought you brownies because you told me you were working your ass off.

And now it turns out that you're spending all the time we could have spent together with the guys.

And I gave you daytime sex.

All right! Who brought brownies?

Is Eric upstairs?

Just look for the lump under the covers sucking its thumb.

Hey, you gonna yell? No, I'm past yelling.

What's past yelling? It's the dark side of the moon, my friend.

It's a place so ugly, if it was a woman, even you wouldn't have sex with her.

That's bad.

How can you sleep until noon after what happened last night?

I'm exhausted from loving you so much.

You're completely regressing.

You lie around all day and you act as if you'd be happy to stay in your mother's house forever.

Look, Donna, let me make it up to you.

There's some tip money on the dresser.

Why don't you go buy yourself something pretty?

Oh, God! That's gotta hurt!

Don't worry. We can still hear.

Eric, what is happening to you?

Look, Donna, I'm sorry, but I'm not regressing.

You gotta understand, I'm the man of this house now.

Okay, who's ready for Spidey and a sandwich?

Me!

Mrs. Forman, your son is a big, lazy child because you keep babying him.

I don't baby him.

Is there crust on that sandwich?

Well, of course not.

Crusts are icky. They make Eric sicky.

Oh, my God, I'm ruining him.

Eric, things are going to change around here, drastically.

Tomorrow, you are getting a sandwich with the crusts on.

And no more crazy straws.

You will be drinking your chocolate milk from a standard straw.

Now, who's hungry?

-I call sandwich -I call Spidey.

I call sandwich you haven't made yet.

Okay, Donna, I get it. I'm sorry. No, that's not gonna cut it.

I've been wearing this engagement ring so long, it's white under there, and a little wrinkly.

You haven't brought up the wedding in weeks.

I stayed home from college to be with you, and if I knew you were gonna act like this, I would have gone.

You're right. I know.

Donna, I know that I'm lucky to be with you.

Hell, when we go out together, people think I'm your little brother.

That's true. They say I shouldn't have you out so late.

You're right. No, you are absolutely right.

And I'm really, really sorry, okay?

So, are you still mad at me?

Well, it's kind of hard when you keep agreeing with me.

I agree. Stop it.

You're beautiful. I will kick your ass.

So, hey, maybe a good way to break the ice would be for everyone to tell a few things about themselves.

I'll go first.

I like make-up and diets, and Steven, here, likes black things and throwing stuff at glass.

Okay. Well, I was valedictorian of my class, I run marathons, and I tutor kids in Latin.

Well, I egged the valedictorian of my class and a marathon runner and some kids that took Latin.

This is fun.

So, how do you guys all know each other?

Well, Michael and I dated for, like, three years.

Then I stole her from him.

Wait. What?

You never could have stole her from me if I hadn't cheated on her first.

Okay, wait a minute.

That sounds a lot worse than what it is.

I only cheated on her with Eric's sister.

Well, and then the rest of the girls were when we were on a break

'cause I annoyed her.

But none of those girls were anybody's sister,

except for the two that were sisters.

He brought up the sisters.

Awesome.

Okay, this was a mistake. I think I'm gonna go.

No. Brooke, wait. Look...

I've been with a lot of chicks. A lot.

A lot.

A lot.

Okay, that's not helping.

Okay, Brooke, let me start over, okay?

We might not be the perfect match, okay? But I really, really like you.

And I think maybe us having this baby together is like fate.

Michael, fate is when two people meet on a train or in Paris, not in the bathroom at a Molly Hatchet concert.

Fate!

Man, never use a word in a fight if you don't really, really know what it means.

Still not speaking to me, huh?

Fine, I'll speak.

I spent all day running your bald, grumpy ass around town and do I get a thanks? No.

Because you're unpleasant.

You wanna know why I'm unpleasant?

I just had a heart attack and now I have to be driven around like a useless dope by the idiot that married my daughter and gave me the heart attack in the first place.

But I am also unpleasant because I just spent the entire day cooped up in the car breathing that mustard gas you call cologne.

But mostly, I'm unpleasant because that's how it works in this family.

I'm family?

Oh, crap.

Guys, everything is totally cool.

I promise to stop acting like such an ass and give Donna only presents, not cash.

And why is that?

Because presents are for girlfriends and cash is for hookers.

Although... You're so good, I should pay you.

Thank you.

You should have seen it coming, Forman.

'Cause when you are deeply, truly happy, it's a sure sign you're doing everything wrong.

It's true. When Steven's unhappy, I know our relationship is in good shape.

Well, then, we've been tip-top since the minute I met you.

Aw.

Yeah, I couldn't be unhappier about me and Brooke, so I know I'm doing the right thing, 'cause the misery is how God lets you know you're on track.

And how. Red and I are miserable together and that crazy bastard is nuts about me.

Donna, what are you doing the day after your birthday?

Nursing a hangover.

You might wanna stick to light beer, 'cause I was thinking maybe we could get married that day.

Oh, my God, are you setting a date?

You can't set a date in the circle.

I can and I did.

I love you.

There's no groping in the circle.

We made that rule for Fez but it goes for everyone.

Oh, come on, Eric, take charge.

Grab her like you mean it. I'll do it.

Brooke. Holy crap.

That's the girl you got pregnant?

She's hot.

Do you think we could talk alone for a minute?

Sure, I'll go, but just know, if it doesn't work out with him, I've got dental for all dependents.

You're funny. I love you.

Bye. Got, you know, things to do.

Look, I don't know why what happened happened.

I mean, it could have been fate.

It could have been the Colt 45s.

But I do know you're being very sweet and I could probably use a hand, 'cause, to tell you the truth, I'm kind of scared.

That's perfect, 'cause I'm terrified.

I know. I mean, it's crazy.

We're having a baby! I know!

And we have no clue! None at all!

All right, so, can I call you tomorrow?

Yes.

Before you go, I just wanted to say I don't love you.

I just kind of get nervous in front of women.

I blurt.

I understand. I think it's very sweet.

I love you.

What is wrong with me?

"Hi, Roy." "Hello, Brooke."

"Hi, Roy." "Hello, Brooke."

"Hi, Roy." "Hello, Brooke."

I got this.

Hi, Roy. I love you.

Excuse me.

Roy, that's the freezer. I know.