That '70s Show S6E9 Script

Young Man Blues (2004)

Hey, check it out, guys, it's Sergeant Crossing Guard.

Rough day on the crosswalk, Sarge?

I'm not a crossing guard, Hyde, I'm a police officer in training.

Read the badge. You mean your paper nametag?

No, I mean my badge.

This symbolizes all the authority of the Point Place police department.

How'd it get ripped?

Hey! Your first case.

Get this. Tomorrow I get to go on a ride-along in a real police car.

I get to see all the crime as it happens.

Yeah, this town is a hotbed for criminal activity.

Hey, let's not forget the great ten-speed robbery of '74.

Yeah, or that criminal mastermind who stole my mum's garden gnome.

Guys, I have very exciting news.

I'm in a mentor programme for little girls, kind of like a Big Sister thing.

And there's someone here who's very anxious to meet you.

Come here.

Isn't she cute? I call her Little Jackie.

For the last freaking time, my name is Colette.

I'm trying to like her, she's just a little mouthy.

Jackie, why would you be a Big Sister?

Well, it's a community service project for school.

It was either this or helping out at a senior center.

And you know how gray hair gives me nightmares.

Can I leave now? There's nothing to do.

Here, take these pictures of me and put them in order of cuteness, from "Very cute" to "It's just not fair she's so cute."

Lame, lamer, lamest.

I like her.

Yeah, me, too. She's feisty.

Nice nametag. Are you a garbage man?

It's a badge!

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Get away from me!

I bet that's the first time you said that to a man.

Don't you walk out that door.

Don't you walk through that door!

What the hell was that all about?

They have been fighting like that all morning.

Sometimes he even yells at her in his native language.

I believe the main idea is, she gets around.

Ah, to be young and trapped in a loveless sham of a marriage.

Kitty, where's the coffee? I'm sorry, I almost forgot.

Since no one fixed my sink yet, today instead of coffee, we're having pipe sludge.

You know the doctor told me not to do household chores.

It's either a working sink or a dead husband.

It's your choice.

Well, Red, somebody's gotta do something around here.

The garage needs to be painted, the lawnmower won't start, and I'm getting tired of running to the hose every time I need a bourbon and water.

Fine, fine, we'll let Eric do it.

Maybe if I supervise him, he'll only screw up half as much.

Yeah, thanks, Dad. You know what? I got it.

Yeah. This from the kid who gets sweaty when he has to change out the toilet paper.

Don't you walk back into that house.

Don't you walk back into the house!

Officer Kennedy?

I want you to know that even though it's my first ride-along, I'm not afraid to kill a man.

I just don't wanna touch him after he's dead.

Shut it, Cadet. Here, take care of the radio.

Cool. We each get our own walkie-talkies?

I'd like a pepperoni pizza.

Address, Hauling Ass Down Central.

Hey, if you wanna play games, go join the highway patrol.

Unit 10, we've got a 415 in progress.

Cool. What's a 415? Why don't you look in your manual?

"A canine defecating on private property."

Cool! It's a dog crapping on a lawn! Gun it!

A 415 is a domestic disturbance, you chowder head.


Damn, I always wanted to put a dog in handcuffs.

I want you out! Out, I say! It's my house!

Oh, really? Because you didn't sleep here last night.

Or the night before that.

Or the night before that.

To be fair, Fez, her army buddies only get a three-day pass.

Listen to me... No, you listen...

Pipe down! The neighbors are staring.

Don't mind us. Just practicing for a show.

Take a bow and get in the house.

Whoa, it's the Five-O. Better go hide my stash.

Comic books. And comic book paraphernalia.

What seems to be the problem here?

Put that down. - Put that down.

No, put that down! - Put what down?

Give me that.

Now, what seems to be the problem here?

I'll tell you what the problem is. I am married to a whore.

I am not a whore!

I'm just a girl who likes a good time.

I'm sorry. I can't imagine who would've called the police.

It's about time you showed up.

These two were making so much noise, I couldn't enjoy my programme.

Bob, you really had to call the police?

Sorry, Kitty, but how am I supposed to name that tune if I can't even hear the notes?

Okay. Well, this kid seems to be harmless, but since you're training, why don't you frisk him anyway?

Sure, frisk the foreign guy.

The color of my skin is not a crime!

Why do you have a frog in your pocket?

It's a surprise for the ladies.

Oh! He peed on me! That's resisting arrest.

Well, then I'm about to resist arrest, too.

Dad, that was pretty cool how I shut off all the water in the house, huh?

Yeah, you really instill a lot of confidence, muttering "lefty loosey, righty tighty" the whole time.

Okay, let's get started.

Now, this is a wrench.

Dad, I think I know what tools are. Good.

Then grab the Philips head.

Uh, shouldn't I buy Philip a drink first?

Come on!

We're just a couple guys having some fun on the job, lighten up.

Get a little "lefty-loosey".

Do you even know what a Philips head screwdriver is?

I know it's a screwdriver.


The water's off. Why is the water off?

We gotta fix the pipes.

But I have to use the bathroom. What?

I have to use the bathroom! Well, go ahead.

But you only get one flush, so make it count.

Well, I guess I can hold it. I just hope I don't sneeze.

Would you sit still? Jackie, she's not a doll.

Well, not a good one, anyway.

I don't want a makeover. You're supposed to be helping me with my homework.

Homework is for ugly girls.


Pretty girls get geeky boys to do their homework for them.

Jackie, you're supposed to do fun stuff, like go roller-skating, not teach her to prostitute herself for geometry notes.

She's cool. Why can't she be my Big Sister?

See, Donna already has a little sister. Her name's Eric.

Okay, get under the sink and loosen that disposal so we can get to the pipes.

Under there?

But it's all spidery.

Get under there or you're gonna get a spider the size of my foot in your ass.

I just realized something.

After all the years of me helping you fix stuff, you finally have to hold the flashlight for me.

Lower, dumb ass!

All right, I'm in. I'm just gonna loosen the...

Spider! Big one! Oh, my God, it touched me!

A Brillo pad? You were afraid of a Brillo pad?

It bit me.

Boy, somewhere down the line I failed with you.

You know, I think it was that one day when you were 10 and I caught you with those dolls.

They were action figures.

I want to go to the movies.

Why? You're watching me live my life.

It's better than any movie.

Afternoon, civilians.

Where's my frog, you son of a bitch?

Well, the good news is I let him loose.

And the bad news is he hopped in front of an 18-wheeler.

Now, he dodged the first wheel, but the last 17 got him.

Hey, did you show up in a cop car?

Yeah. My training officer let me take the cruiser out for a spin.

Mind if we check it out?

Fine. Just don't touch anything.

I'll be in the bathroom taking care of some police business.

Or as the boys down at the station like to say, I'll be taking a 10-100.

How would you like to see a police car?

I already saw one when the police took my daddy to jail.

All right. You know what? Cheer up, or you're not getting lunch.


Oh, Donna, don't worry, you're getting lunch.

Okay, you know what?

You don't have a clue when it comes to dealing with kids.

Well, if you think you're so good at it, why don't you give it a shot?

Okay, I will.

Come on, Colette, you've just been upgraded to Little Donna.

What... You know what? It is your loss because I was gonna let you give me a pedicure.

I can't believe they trusted Kelso with a cop car.

I can't believe he left the keys in it.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Burn rubber, little buddy.


You're out of soap in the men's room.

My eagle eye catches everything.

This is so exciting. What should we do next?

Plant some evidence?

Bust some prostitutes?

Plant some evidence in the bust of some prostitutes?

Oh, hey, check it out. A walkie-talkie.

Freeze! You're under arrest.

Freeze, you're under arrest!

Freeze. You're under arrest! All right, that's the one.

This is Officer Michael Kelso. And I'm not wearing any pants!

Am I supposed to be driving all over the road?

'Cause I'm loaded.

My car's gone! Somebody call the police!

Okay, that's it. I can't fix it. I just... I can't do it.

What's the problem now?

Did the fuzzy dishtowel jump out and attack you?

I can't believe you said you failed with me.

Oh, come on. That was a joke.

You know, like, "A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar," or "I failed with you."

Do you really think that? No, not completely.

I mean... Maybe you're not good at fixing stuff.

But you stayed behind from school to help the family out.

And that's admirable.


Yeah, it is.

Some might say it's the greatest gift a son could give his father.

No, the greatest gift a son could give his father is a Heisman Trophy.

Look, you've tortured yourself enough for one day.

Let's just pack it up and call the plumber. No, no.

Look, I can fix some things.

Boba Fett's jetpack doesn't just glue itself back on.

You know what? I'm gonna fix the lawnmower. Right now.

Now, why would you wanna embarrass yourself like that?

I mean, I'll be standing there and you'll be standing there, and the mower won't work, and I'll say something mean and claim it's a joke.

I'm gonna fix that lawnmower.

I'm gonna fix the hell out of it.

And when I'm done, you're gonna be able to race that baby at the Indy 500.

Now, look, Son, just so you know, the lawnmower's the red thing with the wheels on it.

Yeah? Well, not for long!

More news after this.

You know, if a white man had stolen that car, it'd be all over that news.

Fez, not having every cop in Wisconsin looking for us is probably a good thing.

Shut up, whitey.

Has anyone seen Little Jackie?

No. Why? Never mind.

Oh, my God. You lost Little Jackie?

No, I didn't lose Little... Jackie!

We're playing hide-and-seek and she's really, really good.

Oh, so you look for her, but when you play with Fez, you let him sit in the closet all day.

I cannot believe you, Donna.

You said I didn't know what I was doing, and look at what you did.

Okay, are you going to help me find her or not?

Well, I'm gonna have to. I mean, this is serious.

If we don't find that little girl, I'm gonna get, like, half-hour detention.


Where's my cop car?

You know what? I'm gonna count to three.

And before I'm done, you'd better tell me where it is.

One, two...



No, you can't say "three". That's not how it works.

Did my frog know how it worked when he saw that tire coming?

His tiny green life flashing before his eyes?

Guys, come on, you can't just take somebody's car without asking permission.

And especially since I kind of took it without asking permission.

What? You stoled it?

I was supposed to be watching it while my training officer got a haircut.

They're gonna have my paper badge for this.

Mom, Dad, come quick! I fixed it! I fixed it.

It was like God had control over my hands.

Let me... Let me start it for you. Eric, don't.

I've seen you use a wrench.

If you went lefty-loosey instead of righty-tighty, we could all die.

Let me just put this in the garage. Wait, but, Dad...

No, no, honey, honey. Your father's right. It's not safe.

We'll let Bob start it later.

What did you do?

Why? Why? Why is it always my house?

You really wanna know, or you wanna just keep yelling?

I wanna keep yelling.

I don't care whose fault it is.

Just get that thing out of here now!

Yes, sir.

All right, everybody. Show's over, let's go in the house.

Dad, the lawnmower. I fixed the lawnmower, you've gotta see.

Kelso, wait!

Hey, look, Fez, just like your frog.

Well, it was broken anyway.

No, it wasn't.

I fixed it.

Mom, you believe me, don't you?

Of course I do, honey.

I believe that you believe you fixed it.

Why are you in my seat?

This automobile has not moved.

Wait, you didn't ask me that.

Did you touch anything?

Because if you did, you are in big trouble.

No, I can assure you, everything is exactly as you left it.

Hey, Kelso, did you get the cop car back before your boss found out you stole it?

Okay, that... I can explain that.

Where am I?

I can't explain that.

Socket wrench.

Drives the spaceship. Sits next to the hairy guy.

Han Solo.

Flathead screwdriver.

I know this. Guy with the breathing problem.

"Guy with the breathing problem." This is Darth freaking Vader.

Seriously, Dad, if you don't know the Dark Lord of the Sith, the most hated enemy of the Jedi warrior, then I guess somewhere down the line I failed with you.


Oh! He peed on me!

That's resisting arrest.

That's resisting arrest.

Put that down.

Give it to me!

Give me that.