That '70s Show S7E11 Script

Winter (2004)

Guys, check it out.

Somebody just left all these toys at the police station.

Guess they figured, if cops have something to play with, then we won't stress out and accidentally shoot somebody.

Or, and stay with me here, Inspector Meathead, maybe these toys are for the toy drive.

Yeah, Kelso, these toys are probably all those needy kids get on Christmas morning.

Holy crap, is that an Evel Knievel stunt cycle?

Oh, my God, let's set it up!

We have to find something for Evel Knievel to crash into, like something funny.

Fez, lie down over here and close your eyes.

Man, I feel just like a kid on, like... I don't know, like, some morning where kids get to open a lot of presents.

Guys, I don't feel right about this.

Oh, buddy, we're not gonna aim it at your head.

No, I'm not worried about my head.

Awesome. He's not worried about his head?

Let's aim it at his head.

No, I'm just...

I just don't feel right about taking these toys away from kids.

Oh, but, Fez, this could be the Christmas that I never had.

My parents wouldn't get me cool stuff when I was a kid.

Every year, I got a raincoat.

And then, to make sure it worked, we had to go outside and Red would spray me with the hose.

Yeah, Fez. What about my Christmas, man?

I mean, I'd wake up in the morning, rush out in my PJs, and find what strange man Santa had left laying underneath my mother.

Fine. We'll each open one present. But only one.

All right.

Look at what we've done.

What should we do now?

We need batteries.

A buttload. Yeah.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Ho, ho, ho!

Thanks for helping me with my Christmas party, girls.

You know, this is the most important event of the year for the Ladies of Point Place, or as we like to call ourselves, the LOPPs.

You know, the LOPPs are known for being super stuck-up and totally two-faced.

I can't wait till I get in.

Hey, Mrs. Forman?

I need, like, a buttload of batteries.

What for?

Oh, um, Kelso wants to see how badly he can shock himself.

Oh, okay, they're in the drawer.

Oh, hey, Steven, don't forget about the Ladies of Point Place party tonight.

Oh, yeah. I forgot. Um, I can't go.

Something more important came up.

But you promised you'd go.

Jackie, if I promised, I clearly wasn't listening.

Which you should've known, so this is your fault.

I can't believe Steven.

He knows this is a big deal to me, and he doesn't even care.

Jackie, don't be so hard on him.

I know it's a big deal to you and I don't care.

Knock, knock.

Patty Ryals, I didn't know you were back in town.

Well, you always return to where you were young, which I know, for you, Kitty, is a long time ago.

Actually, I just dropped by to tell you I'm taking over tonight's Ladies of Point Place Christmas party.

What? No, I'm in charge.

Past tense.

The LOPPs remembered that you aren't the most reliable L of PP after I reminded them about the punch-bowl incident of 1973.

You dredged up my Chappaquiddick?

What did Mrs. Forman do?

She spiked the wrong punch bowl.

I missed the sixth grade Christmas play

'cause I couldn't walk a straight line.

VertiBird central, you are cleared for takeoff.

Prepare to transport funion.

We have visual. Funion's remaining secure.

VertiBird to Kelso, prepare to receive funion.

Roger that.

Awaiting funion.

Funion's under attack! Funion's under attack!

Steady with the funion.

Houston, the funion has landed.

Yeah! Yeah!

What's going on? Eric flew a funion into my mouth.

This is what's more important than going to a party with me?

Jackie, I think you're overreacting.

And yes.

You guys seriously need to grow up.

Okay.

I think someone's a little mad that we didn't fly a funion into her mouth.

Okay, Steven, I'm going to that Christmas party, and if you don't come with me right now, you are in so much trouble.

Right now!

I'm opening the door.

I'm stepping outside.

I'm closing the door.

You are in so much trouble!

You know, I thought Steven was maturing.

He's out of high school, he's got a job, and lately he's even been taking his sunglasses off inside the house.

That's real progress, Donna.

Well, maybe what's going on with Hyde is the same thing that's going on with my boyfriend, Lieutenant Funion.

It's that stupid Kelso.

He's always talking them into having fun.

Steven should not be having fun, he should be with me.

Okay, girls, time to get to the party.

Well, Jackie, look, I think Eric and Hyde are feeling the pressures of life, and they want to have one last blowout.

Okay, Steven does not need a blowout, he needs a kick in the nads.

It's Christmas.

At holiday time, we say, "He needs a kick in the sleigh bells."

Kitty, these decorations look awful.

This isn't your living room.

Everything has to match.

You should have mentioned that to your plastic surgeon.

Jackie Burkhart.

Welcome to the LOPPs' Christmas party.

Where's your boyfriend?

Oh, um, he can't be here.

He's at rich stockbroker school.

Well, then I'm just gonna have to seat you with the Single Ladies of Point Place.

The SLOPPs?

Ha! You're a SLOPP.

Hey, there, hi, there, ho, ho, ho there.

Patty Ryals? It's me.

Well, yes, Santa, it's good to see you.

Bob Pinciotti. We went out that time?

I didn't have the beard then, although I think I wore a similar red jacket.

Speaking of which, that's rented, so try not to sweat through it.

What a woman.

Bad news, Kitty.

I went by the police station to pick up the toys.

They've been stolen.

What? Yeah.

Makes me think the police in this town aren't that good.

Red, getting those gifts here was the only job Patty left me.

Okay, you need to go home, you need to find something, anything, to wrap up and give away at the party.

Oh, fine.

But this counts as one of your Christmas presents.

This is horrible.

Taking toys from children.

What kind of monster would do such a thing?

I'm a monster!

It's broken already?

This toy's stupid.

Looks like somebody needs a nappy-nap.

No, I want to open another present.

Forman, just take a rest. I'm not tired, okay?

Can I have a turn?

I'm playing with it.

You're supposed to share.

I don't wanna.

What the hell?

Where did all these toys come from?

Well...

Dad, I guess I'm just gonna have to tell you the truth.

It was Santa Claus.

How could you do this?

I told them it was wrong, I told them.

But then they drove a toy into my head, and it was all blurry after that.

These toys were for the needy kids at your mother's party, you idiot.

Oh, man.

There's, uh, no chance that they might want a raincoat, is there?

Red, the thing is, is that these toys are too nice for the needy kids.

You need to start them off with something simple, like a ball of yarn.

Look, Dad, I think we can safely say that none of this would have happened if you had just bought me an Evel Knievel stunt cycle when I was younger.

I bought you one of those.

Santa left it under the tree that year with...

Oh, wait.

Okay, Eric's all tucked in, put out carrots for the reindeer, and a little wine for Santa.

Look at this thing that I got for Eric.

You rev up the bike and Evel Knievel goes flying.

In real life he's a moron, but as a toy he's awfully fun.

Let me see if I can make it over the garage.

Go!

Damn.

I really thought I could make it over the garage.

Oh, well, everybody makes mistakes.

I'm gonna give you a pass on this one.

Just get these presents wrapped up and over to the community center.

Okay. Yeah, we'll take care of it, Dad.

All right.

I think it's clear what we gotta do.

Yeah.

Can we at least drive the stunt cycle into Fez's head one more time?

What do you say, buddy?

Well, it is Christmas.

Set it up, boys. All right! Very nice.

All right, Kitty.

I brought some stuff from the house that I'm sure the kids are gonna love.

A cheese grater?

Kids love cheese.

It's like Play-Doh to them.

Look, don't worry. The real presents are gonna be here soon.

How do you know?

Because you have to believe, Kitty.

Like me.

Believe in Christmas.

We need to stall. Read the kids a story.

Well, I have a book in the car, but it's about the Korean War.

Well, go get it.

Better those kids suffer emotional damage than I look bad in front of the LOPPs!

Tell you what.

Santa will bring you the bike for Christmas if you go bring Santa a hoagie.

You know what I'd really like for Christmas?

Patty Ryals.

All you men ever think about is what you want.

What about what we want?

Boys never grow up.

You know, one minute they agree to go to a party with you, and the next, they're in a basement full of stolen toys.

And you're no better.

Sitting there pretending to be Santa Claus.

You're not Santa Claus?

No. No, no, he is.

He is, it's just that she is the evil Ice Witch.

Come on, let's get you some grown-up punch.

Well, since we can't bring these presents through the front door, looks like the chimney's the only way in.

I love being on a rooftop.

You can really see the whole town spread out in front of you.

It really is a crappy town, isn't it?

All right, who's gonna take the plunge?

Not me.

If we were jumping off the roof, I'd do it, but...

This just seems foolish.

You know what? I'll do it.

I've always wanted to save the day by sliding down a chimney.

That opportunity comes up surprisingly rarely.

All right. I'm gonna do this.

Okay, looks like it might be kind of a tight fit.

I don't know if I'm gonna fit all the way down!

All right.

Toss down the toys.

It's okay, Forman, we're just gonna sneak them in through the back door.

There's a back door?

Yeah, I saw it on the way in.

I just wanted to see one of you guys go down the chimney.

"Blood ran like a river that day on Heartbreak Ridge.

"Hundreds of soldiers had given their lives and limbs trying to take..."

Trying to take the North Pole.

"The North Koreans..."

The North Pole Korean elves

"were weary from heat on that sun-baked..."

"" Snowy Christmas Eve.

Kitty, where are the toys?

Oh, um...

This year, in order to build anticipation, I hid them behind the curtain.

You can't see them now, not because they're not there, but because they're behind the curtain.

Hidden.

Well, the children won't wait.

Gladys, open the curtain.

No, no, no, wait. Wait.

Boys and girls, I'm sorry.

I just, you know, I think Santa hasn't quite finished his...

j& Christmas j& Christmas j&

Okay, kids, go get 'em.

Who was in charge of giving out the toys here?

It was Kitty.

I think she's been drinking.

Well, it was perfect.

The LOPPs would like you to run our Valentine's party.

I'm in charge? Oh!

Oh!

This is the same as Lyndon Johnson being sworn in on the airplane after President Kennedy was...

Well, that was a tragedy, but I'm in charge!

You hear that, Patty Ryals? She's in charge.

So you will be taking orders from her.

So put that in your face-lift and smoke it.

Oh, look at the two of you.

Isn't this just the most special Christmas?

Where's Eric?

Yeah, um...

Um, yeah, just a quick question.

Um, where does that chimney up on the roof go?

Well, I'm kind of a chimney enthusiast.

Oh, well, that goes into the bakery next door.

Hello?

Hyde?

Somebody?

I'll be at the bakery.

Damn. That's a nice crop of SLOPPs.

Look at who decided to finally show up.

Jackie, are you still mad?

Come on, man, this is not a big deal.

I mean, six months ago, you would have thought this is really funny.

Yeah, six months ago.

Steven, you can't act like this forever.

I need to know the guy I'm in love with isn't gonna blow me off for a room full of toys.

That's not a guarantee I can ever give you.

Well, things are changing, Steven.

I mean, we're practically grown up.

Yeah, and you know what? I'm just trying to have a little fun before I settle down and life goes to crap.

Is that what you think? That life with me will be crap?

That's not what I said.

No, it's okay. At least now I know how you feel.

Jackie.

I'm sorry, I don't remember our date, Barry.

It's Bob.

But since it is Christmas Eve and we are both alone, would you like to get some dinner?

I like the way you're thinking.

Or we could skip dinner.

Well, I'm more active with a burger in me.

Hey, Hyde, you and Jackie fix things up?

I don't know, man.

If she wants to ruin Christmas, fine by me, 'cause I am not playing her game.

It's the stupid needy kids who are playing games.

They took all of our games.

Look what I found in the bakery, curled up in the fireplace.

What the hell?

You guys just left me there.

If I hadn't landed on, well, some of the most delicious baked goods that I ever tasted, I very well could have starved to death.

All right, man, I'll make it up to you, 'cause I got a Christmas present for everybody.

This is one messed up Christmas, man.

You guys are all starting to look like elves.

That must have freaked you out.

It's gonna fall off. It's okay.

Oh, my God, it is gonna fall off.

It's okay. Okay.

Let me give you my recipe for holiday cheer.

Take one SLOPP, add half a bottle of schnapps, then stir freely with Fez.

It is a wonderful life.

Merry Christmas, Son. Oh, my God.

You finally got me an Evel Knievel stunt cycle!

Ooh, you can go outside in your new raincoat and give it a try.

Ooh.

Oh, Red. Not again.

Well, it's his own damn fault for wanting a toy that's so fun.