That '70s Show S7E13 Script

Can't You Hear Me Knocking (2005)

So, Hyde, how are you doing now that you and Jackie are broken up?

I am the old Hyde again, kept by no woman, loyal to no man.

Beholden to no comb.

No, Steven, does so use a comb, it's one of those Afro picks.

You should wear it sticking out of your hair.

Hello, Steven. Jackie.

You wanna talk?

What would I have to say to you?

I don't know, how about, "I'm a crazy, spoiled, whack job, and I'm sorry."

That's no way to talk to a woman.

Yeah, especially a spoiled, crazy, whack job.

She's liable to kill you.

Oh, my God.

There's a hundred morons in my basement.

That's okay, not even that can ruin this day.

Yes, one man, and only one man, has the power to ruin his day.

'Tis I.

Nope, not even you can do it.

But really, who the hell talks like that?

Now, now, Red, you were happy, remember?

Right. First freeze of winter, I'm spending the day ice fishing.

Well, I'll come with you. Grab a fishing stick for me.

I don't wanna go.

What? Why not? Because I don't want you to go.


Really, I mean, Kitty, you'd hate it.

It's cold and boring, and we both know the only ice you like is in your cocktails.


We're going ice fishing, and we're gonna have fun, and that's that.


That's that.

Jackie, seriously, isn't there anything you wanna say about what you did?

No, I have much more important things to do with my day.

Donna, what are we doing with our day?

I'm going to karate class. I knew it'd be something sweaty.

You don't have to go. No, no, no, I'm going. I'm going.

Now that I'm not with Steven, I have much more time to do mannish, unladylike things with you.

I'll give you 50 bucks to take her back.

50 bucks buys me beer for a week, freedom lasts a lifetime.

Look at our poor little tough guy, hurting others to ease his own pain.

I think someone needs a tickle.

No, I'm okay.

Look, Hyde, we're your best friends, and we're here for you, okay.

We're not gonna let you go through this thing alone.

Would you shut up, Forman? I'm fine.

You know what, Eric's right.

We're gonna do what guys do for each other.

A massage train?


But we did get you a present.

It's a great present, guys.

I especially like the teeny white paper you all wrapped it in.

Yeah, the only thing that could ruin today is if the Russians set off that Russian death ray that's pointed at the White House.

No, seriously. No, I read about it in a magazine.

Kelso, that was The Flash, and it is a comic book.

I love comic books. I wish I had thought bubbles.

You see anything?

Kelso, the Russians don't have a death ray, but they do have a stupid ray and it's pointed directly at you.

No, the Russians do have a death ray, and I'll prove it.

Operator, give me the White House.

Kelso, I'm not allowed to make long distance calls without permission.

Oh, awesome, I'm on hold, and they're playing that theme song to the President.

Hail to the Chief.

Thank you, Eric, but I'm trying to enjoy the President's theme song.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j& Hello Wisconsin! j&

Kelso, if you ask the White House if there's a Russian death ray, they're gonna have you committed.

So, yeah, I say go for it.

Well, obviously they won't admit it. There'd be panic in the streets.

That's why I gotta trick them into talking about it.

It's what us cops call "tricking them."

I'm on. Hello? White House?

Yeah, yes, I have a couple of questions.

Yes, how well is the President protected?

Well, because someone wants to hurt the President, that's why.

You're damn right it's a threat, it's a terrible threat on the President's life.


What? Where am I right now? I'm in Red Forman's house in Point Place...


You idiot, you just told them where we are.


Kelso, you just threatened the President's life.

They're gonna come here and arrest us.

No, no, I'm not threatening his life.

It's the Russians that have the Russian death ray.

You didn't mention the death ray.

A-ha! So you admit that there's a death ray.

Well, this is boring.

Let's do something fun. Oh, let's play 20 questions.

Kitty, I'm trying to fish.

Okay, you think of something, I'll ask the questions.

Is it a thing? Yes.

Is it small? Yes.

Is it a raisin? Yes, you win.

Well, you're not even playing.

What's so great about ice fishing anyway? It was the solitude.

Well, I'm freezing.

This is like that winter we locked ourselves out of our first apartment.

We had to sit on the stoop, cuddled up for two hours, waiting for the landlord to bring the key.

And then we had to warm ourselves up in front of the stove because the heater was broken.

We could warm each other up right now.

What the hell.

There's a black Ford sedan outside. Hyde's right, the Feds found us.

Damn it, Kelso.

You finally figure out how to use a phone, now we're all going to jail.

I think you guys are overreacting.

There's no way the government would park a car right outside my house.

Forman, anything you think the government's not doing, they are doing.

The only thing they didn't do is land the man on the moon.

No, no, no, no, no.

Spielberg shot the entire thing in a Hollywood movie set.

That's how he got the job for Jaws.

Guys, if that's a Feds' car outside, we better dispose of the evidence right now.

Oh, yeah.

Good job disposing of all the evidence, you guys.

You better take this serious, Eric.

We have a lot of evidence to dispose of, even more than we had at the Pink Floyd concert.

Yeah, there is a lot.

And without all the smoke machines and lasers, this is just like punishment.

Man, I never thought I'd say this, but I wish there were more people to share this with.

This is a nightmare. White suit with yellow belt!

Okay, Jackie O couldn't even pull this off on Easter.

Donna-san, you brought a friend? Yes, sensei, this is Jackie.

Welcome, Jackie-san.

Now, today we'll be focusing on self-defense.

Let's say someone is accosting you in a dark alley.

Oh, that doesn't work for me.

I'd never be in an alley 'cause I'm not poor.

And even if I was ever in an alley, I'd have a boy with me to protect me.

Jackie, you're not always gonna be with a guy.

You're not with one now.

And, no, I don't count. Okay.

An assault can happen anywhere, Jackie-san.

The point is, someone wants to do you harm.

But they don't.

All right, maybe someone would follow these other women to do them harm, but when people follow me, it's to ask me where I get my hair done or to just give me presents.

That's true.

I've seen it. Yeah.

This is our third circle and it hasn't calmed me down at all.

I feel almost more suspicious than before.

I don't want to get sent back to my home country.

If I return in shame, I'll get stoned. And then, you'll throw rocks at me.

Everybody just settle down, okay. Settle down!

You are all losing your minds! Who is yelling?

We all just need to keep calm.

That's the door. We're all gonna die!

It's okay. It's okay. I know what to do. Okay.

Eric, you answer the door, we'll all sneak out the back.


Yeah, yeah. No, no, you'll go to jail, I'll pull some strings to get you out.

Point Place PD has connections with the FBI, one of our dogs transferred from there.

May I speak to your parents?

There's no need.

I'll go quietly.

I'm just delivering the hand vac Mrs. Forman ordered.

Okay, I'm the one who called, and all I was saying is beware of the death ray.

Yeah, I'll do that.

By the way, the whole neighborhood can smell what you're doing.

Oh, my God. Did you see his earpiece? He's definitely FBI.

There's no other reason why a man would be wearing an earpiece.

Oh, don't punt, you've got one yard to go.

Guys, I've read about this. That's the recon guy.

He's the one that plants the bugs.

I hate bugs. Is it on me? Is it on me?

No, not... Like a bug, like a microphone.

Oh, my God.

We've been infiltrated.

Guys, if this vacuum is bugged, the FBI could be listening to us right now.

Well, I think the important thing is to stick together.

You know what? You are absolutely right, Fez.

This is all for one and one for all.

You're looking for Michael Kelso.

Quit it.

No, I'm not gonna quit it, okay? This is all your fault.

You called the White House. My fault? This is my...

This is Hyde's fault 'cause he's the one who got dumped by Jackie so we had to be nice to him.

Hey, hey, hey, go easy on the kid.

Letting go of Jackie was the biggest mistake he ever made.

Remember, we were talking about it earlier, behind his back?

Shut up, Fez.

If I wanted your advice, I'd kick you in the nads.

Oh, in that case, my advice is please don't kick me in the nads.

Hey, guys, you know what?

Maybe the FBI has an opinion 'cause they're listening to us.

Remember the V-A-C-U-U-M?

It spelled "vacuum."

Whoa, vacuum has two "u's" in it?

No, that's messed up.

Okay, well, maybe we should turn it on and see if it's really a vacuum, and if it is, maybe we should tidy up a bit.

Wait. One question.

If the vacuum really was bugged, couldn't we just put it outside?


When Kelso's the only one thinking straight, we're in trouble.

Guys, we're making too many mistakes.

We need to sit down and figure this out.

Okay, this is starting to feel like work, man.

Feds have ruined the circle.

The circle sucks.

That's right, I said it.

Hey, this circle is the only thing that's keeping us sharp.

If it weren't for this circle, we'd have no idea that the Feds were surrounding us, planting bugs everywhere, watching our every move.

So I say thank you to the circle.

I just want everyone to know I'm prepared to fight my way out of here.

You know, I don't even care if the fish aren't biting

'cause nothing could beat hanging out with my girl.

Well, in that case, I have another idea for a game.

It's like 20 questions but sexy.

I call it sexy 20 questions.

Okay, I'll ask the questions.

Is it something I want?

Every Saturday, twice on Christmas.

I got a bite.

Good, Donna-san.

Jackie-san, would you like to try the move that Donna-san just performed?

But none of this self-defense stuff applies to me.

Okay, I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

Everyone loves me.

You don't understand. I am a stranger who wants to hurt you.

I'm not buying it.

Okay, Jackie, let's say he's not a stranger.

Let's say he's someone who already hurt you.

Like Hyde.

What about him?

Well, you asked Hyde for a tiny glimmer of hope that you guys would end up married one day.

But he said, "I don't know."

"I don't know."

As if Jackie Burkhart weren't special at all.

Watch it, Donna. I mean...

I mean, I thought Jackie Burkhart was special.

But according to Hyde, you're no better than me.

All men are bastards!

That jerk didn't want me! I'm better than everyone!

Hyde, you've lost the best thing when you lost me!

And it's not Jackie-san! It's Jackie! Just Jackie!

Nothing more than Jackie! Get it right, Dork-san!

I love karate.

I cannot believe it.

Now they have a surveillance van outside.

I hope they're not taking pictures.

I'm a little puffy.

Okay, this has gone too far, we didn't do anything wrong.

What kind of country is this if you can't make one threatening phone call to the White House?

Let's find out what's really going on here. Yeah.

You know, that's not a real weapon, right?

I know.

Not even if you really, really believe.

I don't.

Don't let me down, baby.

Wait a minute, it's just a dogcatcher van.

Well, hello, that's exactly what the Feds want us to think.

But I just heard dogs barking inside.

It's obviously a tape recording of trained dogs.

The barking's too self-conscious.

Plus, a dogcatcher van wouldn't just say "dog catcher" on the side of it, 'cause otherwise the dogs would see it and just run away.

On three. One, two, three!

I don't understand.

Look, I don't know if it's the fresh air talking, but I'm starting to think this whole thing's just our imagination.

You know what, you guys, maybe we just need to let this whole fantasy world of ours go.


Watch out, man, I almost just cut you right in half there.

Kitty, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to throw you to the floor.

It's just that that was the first fish I caught this year.

That was a nice perch, it was a big perch, might have been a state-record perch.

If it means anything, you're my state-record lady.

Okay, I guess I forgive you.

I knew you'd understand.

I mean fish are really hard to catch, but you, I can't get rid of.

Can't get rid of me?

I can't get rid of you from my heart.

You see what happens when you come fishing.

Okay, so there's one thing I don't get.

If nobody was after us all day, then why did the Feds send a spy vacuum?

Why don't you call them up and ask?

That's a good idea. No!

You don't get to touch that any more.

Okay. So, Hyde, first day without Jackie.

Not a good start, huh?

Are you kidding man? I haven't burned out this hard in years.

I'd do it all again tomorrow but I'm exhausted.

I might have to go back to work.

Look at our brave little boy hiding his sadness behind bluster.

Don't worry, I'm sure Jackie's just as miserable as you are.

Oh, I feel so good.

This is so much better than staying home all day, crying about Steven.

You were a total badass. I'm not afraid of anything.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, there was a pack of wild dogs loose.

I had to climb to the top of this giant thing to get away from them.

That was me.

Dogs, huh?

What did you do?

Nothing. We... Kelso thought there was a death ray, so we called the White house, and the Feds came, but...

It was just a vacuum.

Okay, I'm cutting you guys off. Where's your stash?

It's all gone, man.