That '70s Show S7E19 Script

Who's Been Sleeping Here? (2005)

Okay, the game is Password.

The box says, "Using one-word clues, "get your partner to say the secret word

"without using the word yourself."

Okay, what if... Donna, please.

I already read the box.

But, Fez... I said "box."

Okay, here are your secret words and good luck.

Okay, Eric, staircase.

Jedi.

I'm sorry, that's wrong.

Hyde?

Um...

Fat.

Staircase.

Fat.

Escalator. Yes.

That is correct.

What? What the hell?

Jackie, see me later for your prize.

Oh, we are so better than you.

Eric, how did you get "Jedi" from "staircase"?

Donna, the path to becoming a Jedi has many steps, duh.

You guys, I just took my baby girl to the playground, and she's just like her daddy.

She's way cuter than all the other babies, and she eats bugs.

Wow, Michael, you've spent every weekend this month with Betsy.

The only other thing you've done this consistently was cheat on me.

That's not true, he also glues himself to stuff with amazing regularity.

Whatever.

Look, Brooke is totally starting to trust me now with Betsy, and she's letting me pick out Betsy's godparents.

And she only has one rule, it can't be Fez.

Well, that is a smart rule.

Godparents? Like we need any more responsibilities.

I know, such a burden.

Okay, so I've been thinking about this a lot, all right?

And it's a big deal, so...

Eric, Donna. Uh-oh.

Please, skootch over so I can ask Hyde and Jackie if they'll be Betsy's godparents.

What the hell? Hyde and Jackie?

We win.

I was voted most popular, best legs, and now, Godmother.

What can't I do?

And the password is burn.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Oh, my God, this place is a mess.

Well, it's obvious, you've had a break-in.

And that pizza box is a clue.

Yep, they're Italian.

Someone broke into my store. What if they stole something?

Oh, no.

It's okay, my stash is safe.

Not entirely.

I got into it a little bit yesterday.

You guys, what are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do? We don't have to do nothing.

Nothing big was taken, probably some kids having fun.

Fun?

Yeah, you know, fun, that thing you've never had.

I have plenty of fun, okay. Michael, I'm fun, right?

You're good-looking.

Well, I think you would make a great godparent, Eric.

You were so sweet with your pet fish.

Remember, you'd feed it potato chips and say, "Look, everybody, fish and chips."

All I remember is flushing it down the toilet when he killed it.

Who takes a fish out of the tank?

I just needed to hug something.

Why do you think Kelso didn't choose us?

Well, picking godparents can be very nerve-racking.

When Laurie was born, we agonized over that decision for weeks.

And we chose well. Mike and Cookie were good people.

Wait, so, who are my godparents?

Well, they're the...

The Hoffenschnoppers.

I'm sorry, the who?

The Hingingloobers.

Okay, I think you just said the Hoffenschnoppers, and then you said the Hingingloobers.

And I'm not sure, but I don't think we know any Hoffenschnoppers or Hingingloobers.

Come on, what's supposed to happen to me if you guys die?

Maybe you'll finally move out and get a job.

You know, the responsibilities of being a godmother never ends.

You know, I spent all day buying matching outfits.

You know, life is so much more fulfilling now that I'm shopping for two.

Okay, being a godmother isn't all about buying stuff.

Oh, yeah? What's it about then?

Oh, you don't know, either.

You guys, great news.

Brooke is gonna let me have Betsy on the weekends.

Oh, my God. If Betsy's coming here on weekends, we're gonna need matching godmother-goddaughter badminton skirts.

Now you're just trying to make me mad.

Okay, you know what? We don't have to stand here and take this.

Yeah. Let's go.

Where are we going?

I don't know, but we are just going to stand outside until they leave.

Well, I am proud of you, Michael, getting so involved in your baby's life.

A child needs a strong, loving father.

Well, I am glad you feel that way.

So you won't mind, when Betsy visits, if we stay up in Laurie's room?

No.

No babies.

We get enough crying around here with Eric.

Come on, Laurie's not using it.

It's a great room with a very comfortable bed.

How the hell would you know that?

The... Laurie always had such good posture.

That indicates a quality mattress.

What's wrong with your house, honey? It's not safe.

If my brothers don't step on her, one of the dogs probably will.

You have dogs? No, we don't know whose they are.

Hey, you're here early. Not early enough.

We were broken into again.

Well, at least these kids leave more than they take.

We're not being robbed, man, we're being cluttered.

I'm calling the cops. No, don't call the cops.

Why not?

'Cause then they show up and they act all coppy.

You know what I think?

I think you're the one coming in here at night.

Why would I come here when I have a house?

Well, a basement.

Why don't you tell me about the $10 missing from the register?

Are you accusing me of stealing?

Well, you don't want me to call the cops.

And of all the people I know, and I know 28 people, you are, by far, the most likely to burgle.

Yeah, you know, I don't actually have to take this from you, Angie.

I thought you didn't call the cops? I didn't.

Guys, I don't know how to turn off the siren.

Hey, Fez, let me ask you a question.

If you were choosing godparents, wouldn't you choose Donna and me?

Well, in my country we don't have godparents.

If something happens to your parents, tough crap.

You're a bum.

You Americans and your safety nets.

Hey, Eric, are your folks around?

Why, do you wanna bestow some honor on them that we should rightly have?

No, I'm trying to sneak this crib up into Laurie's room, and I figure if I get it up there, there's no way they can get it down

'cause they're too old.

Kelso, I just can't believe you picked Hyde over me.

I mean, what exactly was your criteria in choosing a godparent?

I mean, was it the ability to shoplift a keg?

My reasons are complicated.

Complicated or stupid?

There are elements of both.

Down.

But... Down.

Well, we were broken into again last night, but you already know that since it was you.

Yeah, you busted me, Angie.

Sneaking into my own store so I can eat pizza and listen to Neil Sedaka.

After the second break-in, I had Michael install a hidden surveillance camera.

It's the same one he tried to use in my shower.

You spied on me?

Yep, and I thought we could watch the tape, for the first time, together.

Hey, I'm watching Perry Mason.

Oh, guess what? Perry Mason wins.

It's not if he wins, it's how. That's the magic, damn it.

Oh, look, there's Michael.

Even when he's not here, I have to see his ass.

I've seen it almost as many times as I've seen his face.

Oh, look. Someone's coming in.

Fez?

Hey, Red, am I late for Perry Mason? Ooh! Who's that handsome...

Uh-oh.

Fez, what are you doing there? It was a secret.

I... I thought I was alone.

Okay, I know Fez pretty well and if he thought he was alone, we need to stop this tape right now.

Fez, man, why were you staying at the record store?

Well, last week my Bible-thumping host parents

found out that I already graduated, so they kicked me out and took all my money as back rent.

And then they gave me a Bible.

Well, I wish you'd been reading that instead of the porno magazines I found in my office.

You know, Angie, some things you could keep to yourself.

I don't understand why you didn't just ask us for help.

I mean, we're your friends.

It was my damn Latin pride.

So you're Latin. No, just my pride is.

And I also have a Swiss sense of frugality.

Steven, how could you not know your friend was a hobo?

Well, now that I think about it, some things do make more sense.

Hey, man, where the hell are my keys? Oh, here they are.

I just borrowed them, but I didn't make a copy.

Why would you make a copy? Why would I borrow them?

To make a copy? Why would I make a copy?

Okay.

Did you just take a shower here? No.

Why are you wearing a towel? Because otherwise I'd be naked.

Oh, there they are.

Hey, I was just happy he's wearing underwear again, all right?

I can't believe Kelso didn't choose us. What could be wrong with us?

Well, there's nothing wrong with you.

I love you just the way you are.

Yeah, and I love you just the way you... Although, well...

It might be that you don't have a job.

Oh, here it comes.

You've just been dying to get this off your chest, huh?

I don't have a job. I play with toys.

Maybe you'd like to talk about how I didn't show up for the wedding, too?

Oh, well, I don't need to talk about that because I relive it every morning when I wake up alone.

Oh, really? Well, you used to be a redhead.

You dyed your hair. God, it's like everything about you now is so fake.

Whoa!

You said you loved my hair.

I had to say that, Donna, to keep you happy.

You trap people, you're a trapper.

Nobody wants a trapper for a godmother.

Wait a minute. What are we doing?

You know what? You're right, let's back up.

Man, why do we want to be godparents so bad?

Well, I want it for the joy of nurturing the spiritual growth of a child.

I want it for the prestige. Yeah, me, too. I was just saying that.

Hello.

Man, why does everybody look so serious?

Did the Goodyear Blimp crash?

Why?

No reason.

Some people shoot bottle rockets at it.

Fez has been living in the record store because his host parents threw him out.

What kind of parents would kick a child out?

And will they teach me how they did it?

You wanna be mean? You don't get a sandwich.

I think what they did to you is just awful.

He broke into my store. Which you accused me of doing.

Accusing your own brother? You don't get a sandwich, either.

Anyway, Fez, maybe you can stay in Laurie's room.

No.

I would rather fill that room with cement.

Yeah, respect the man's wishes.

Besides, that room is for me and Betsy.

I don't get a sandwich.

Okay, I have an idea.

You and Fez both need a place to live, right?

Yeah.

And living alone can get kind of lonely, can't it?

Sometimes I cry myself to sleep.

You see where I'm going with this? I do.

We each get our own apartment and we call each other on the phone a lot.

Or we could be roommates.

Roommates?

That is an awesome idea.

What were you thinking of, Ms. Forman?

That you two should be roommates.

Oh, thanks, but we already thought of that.

All right, why did you choose them over us?

Is it 'cause I don't have a job? Is it because I dyed my hair?

Look, I don't have a job because Hyde turned me into a burnout.

And I dyed my hair because Jackie destroyed my self-esteem.

Also, I rock as a blonde.

Are you beginning to see the influence that they have on people?

I'm telling you, if you stick with them, your daughter's just gonna be a burnout, low self-esteem lump with no job.

All right, you're just trying to make us look bad.

Yeah, they're doing a decent job of it. Kelso, why did you pick us?

Oh, great, now I feel awkward.

Look, I picked them because I think they're gonna last longer than you.

What? They just broke up and got back together.

Well, at least they're doing something.

What are you guys doing? You don't know, nobody knows.

They're just a safer bet right now.

Oh, my God.

This is better than when he made us godparents.

We win everything.

Wow. Well, I don't really have a speech prepared but I just wanna thank you guys for sucking.

Look, you guys, if I knock somebody else up you're totally on the list.

I can't believe he doesn't think we're gonna last. It's...

I mean, you don't think he's right, do you?

Well, I don't know. We have, kind of, been drifting this last year.

No. No, not drifting, you know, exploring.

Exploring is drifting, Eric.

Oh, you know what? This is all your fault.

You're always saying that something is something else.

God, it's like you're a big, blonde thesaurus.

Well, excuse me for knowing words, Eric. Okay, you know what?

This fight keeps going nowhere and you wanna know why?

We are actually freaking out over something that Kelso said.

Kelso, the guy who doesn't understand how hot dogs survive in the wild without eyes.

Okay, so you're not...

You're not worried then? No.

I don't know, maybe a little bit, but I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna find a job. Great. And I am gonna dye my hair back.

No. Oh, no, no, the blonde stays.

I'm still using it.

All right, man, you accused me of stealing.

That's why I've thought up a very clever way of getting you back.

Today you wear the rainbow Afro.

Actually, you know what? I don't think so.

Watch this.

j& Luck be a lady tonight

j& Luck be a lady tonight

j& Luck if you've ever been a lady to begin with... j&

I don't care about that.

Everybody knows I sing Sinatra all the time.

Whoa, shoplifter.

Amateur.

Here's two bedrooms with one-and-a-half baths.

A half bath?

How's the water stay in?

Here's one with a dishwasher.

I don't want another foreigner living with us.

We don't need a dishwasher anyway.

Who's gonna do the dishes? We'll just order in.

You never wanna take me anywhere.