That '70s Show S7E2 Script

Let's Spend the Night Together (2004)

Hmm, blonde. More fun.

Everything is more fun.

Donna, if you only knew what I'd like to do with you and your new hair, you would beat the crap out of me.

You know, I might just beat the crap out of you anyway.

Yes.

So now that Donna's not Big Red anymore, I guess we have to go back to what we called her when she was 12.

Jugs-a-popping.

Man, I hated Jugs-a-popping.

Well, you shouldn't have had popping jugs.

Speaking of objectifying women, Jackie, there's a Take Back the Night rally tonight at the park.

Do you wanna go?

Oh, and be with your deep-voiced gal pals? Mmm! No, thank you.

This is important.

Women should be able to walk through the park at night without being harassed by weirdo men.

Hey, that was one time!

I'll go. Really?

You'd be, like, the only guy there.

Although, there is some question about Shirley.

No, it'll be great. Why don't you come by when Hyde's dad is here?

We'll go over there after that.

Yeah, it's my Steven's big night.

He finally decided he wants to meet his real daddy.

I kept hearing this voice telling me, "Meet your father. Meet your father."

I finally said okay, Jackie shut the hell up.

I did, it's a true story.

Get off the phone!

Okay, any minute now, Brooke is going into labor.

All right? And I gave her the number of all the places I was gonna be.

I cannot miss this call.

Looking good there, Big Red.

We're going with Jugs-a-popping again.

Oh, that's a good one.

And it's as true now as it was the first day of fifth grade.

That was a popping summer.

Steven, I am so happy we finally found your real father.

Here. I framed the blood test results for you.

Now, I spoke to him this morning, and I told him how your parents abandoned you and we took you in, and it's hard for you to say it out loud, but that you love me because I saved your life.

Kitty, I'm not sure...

He would be dead on the streets.

Okay, he's here.

Now, Steven, fix your hair.

Eric, don't mumble. Red, don't yell at Eric if he mumbles.

Hi, is this the Formans'?

You know, I'm sorry, I told your friend last week, we don't want a subscription to Ebony magazine.

No, no, no, no. We spoke over the phone.

I'm William Barnett. I'm Steven's father.

Oh!

I mean, come in, come in.

Everybody, I want you to meet Steven's father.

Steven, look.

I'm looking.

It's good to meet you, Son.

I've really been looking forward to this.

I wanted to get you a card, but they don't have one for our unique situation.

So, here. Happy First Communion.

Wow.

You came from him?

Yeah, I'm not sure I see the resemblance.

What are you talking about?

My 'fro, my coolness, my suspicion of the Man.

This explains so much.

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Well, Mr. Barnett, please, sit anywhere you like on this big day.

After all, how often does a kid get to meet his very own father?

So far, I'm up to twice.

Hey, would you like a drink?

Perhaps a cool drink for our cool visitor?

No, thanks, but I think all of you could use a Scotch.

That's crazy, we're totally relaxed.

Hey, you know what show I love?

The Jeffersons.

"Dy-no-mite." Right?

"Dy-no-mite" is from Good Times.

Oh, well, I watch them all. I mean, I don't discriminate.

So father and son.

Yep.

Well, I...

I guess Steven must have gotten his mother's...

Eyes. Eyes.

Steven got his mother's pretty eyes.

Right.

Or as I like to say, "Right on."

Okay, well, nobody's talking about the elephant in the room, so I'll do it.

You're black.

Mom!

Okay, please, Mr. Barnett, we're very open-minded.

Oh! Oh, no, he's right.

I, myself, love that singer Art Garfunkel.

Art Garfunkel's white.

Really?

Well, his name's got the "funk" in it, so I...

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Red, who's that black person I like?

Martin Luther King? Yes!

You know, I'm beginning to feel like you haven't had a lot of black people in this house.

Well, I mean, it's certainly not because we didn't want to.

Right, right, no, it's just there haven't been any available.

You know, it's Wisconsin.

Well, I know all about Wisconsin.

The only place around here where you'll see white and black together is on a cow.

That's right! Sure!

So, William, what kind of work do you do?

I own a chain of record stores.

Record stores. That's cool, huh? Yeah.

I was afraid you were gonna be a cop or something.

I don't like cops.

I don't like cops, either.

Hey, who do you think shot JFK?

I don't know, because they don't want me to know.

Check it out, man. I'm a chip off the old block.

Man, I wish Mom had told me about you.

Hey, when was the last time you saw her?

Oh, years ago. We were dating and she just disappeared.

I guess she married the man you thought was your father and told him that you were his baby. Yeah.

Mom must have been pretty relieved when I came out white, huh?

Hello? Brooke, it's me. Did you have the baby yet?

No? Are you sure?

Okay, well, I'm in the kitchen now, so...

No, it's the same number, but I'm in the kitchen, so when you call...

No, you just gotta think, "Kitchen, kitchen, kitchen."

Okay.

This is so exciting. Yeah.

You're going to be a father, and I'm going to be all alone.

My clock is ticking.

I just don't want to screw this thing up, you know?

When that kid opens his eyes, I want his daddy, who loves him, to be the first thing he sees.

Plus, I don't want him to get switched at birth with one of those babies that doesn't speak English.

Why are you here?

This isn't your home.

It still wouldn't kill you to put up some pictures of me.

I got it!

Hello?

Charlie Schmidt!

I haven't talked to you since the war.

You know, I wasn't even sure they pulled you out of the water.

If I had known...

Never call here again!

Kelso... Well, I gotta keep the line open.

I'm gonna kill you and mount your head on the TV.

And if it helps me get better reception, it'll do more for me than you have in your whole life.

Oh, Fez, Michael, meet William Barnett, Steven's father.

Good to meet you both.

Will you look at that?

Yeah, I'm half black, man.

Kind of puts all the pieces of the puzzle together, don't it?

Hey, I'm having a kid soon. I wonder if mine's gonna be half black.

Is the mother black?

No.

I have to say, Mr. Barnett, it's nice to see another person of color in this town.

White people, you know what I'm talking about?

Can't say that I do.

Oh, I hear you, brother man.

Eric, are you ready to go?

I wanna get to the feminist rally in time for the Hugh Hefner pinata.

Ooh! Uh, Mr. Barnett, this is Donna. Donna, this is...

I'm Steven's father. I'm black, and it's okay.

Wow! Whoa! Donna, please, do not flip out on the man just because of the color of his skin.

I would never do that. I would never do that.

Okay, Donna, let's just go, and maybe in the car we can have a little talk about how hurtful our preconceived notions can be.

Power.

Steven, this is so exciting.

I know, I met my dad.

And he's rich.

Now, instead of waiting for you to get off your butt and make some money, we can just inherit it.

Wait a minute, you mean inherit it from me?

No, no, no, no.

All she means is that you are doing quite well.

When I talked to your secretary and she put me on hold, there was music on the line.

Ha! I thought to myself, "Well, this is a man who can afford a thing or two!"

I see, so you knew I had money before you invited me here?

Is that supposed to mean something?

I don't know.

Why don't you tell me, Steven?

What are you talking about?

Well, I mean, we don't have to play games.

I can give you money, if that's what you're after.

That's who you think I am?

I'll see you guys later. Steven...

No, you know what?

I didn't need anything from him growing up, and I don't need anything from him now.

You know, that was very rude of you.

And I can't believe I'm saying this to someone wearing cashmere, but, well, I don't think we can be friends.

How could you say that to Steven?

He doesn't want your money, I want your money.

How could you think that anybody here needs your money?

Look at this place.

Glass grapes, pizza rolls, an organ.

It's like Carnegie Hall.

I stand by what I said. What else was I supposed to think?

You're supposed to look at me and know that I raised fine young men.

Even though one of them is at a feminist rally.

Mr. Barnett, you are wrong about Steven.

He's perfect.

I think you should go.

I agree.

I was gonna pack you some leftovers, but that ship has sailed, mister.

I hope this doesn't discourage you from inviting a second black person into your home.

What do we want? A safe park!

And when do we want it? Now!

I can't hear you, ladies! When do we want it?

Now!

Take back the night!

This feels really good, Donna.

You know, I... Women should be able to walk through this park without being afraid.

In fact, someday, I hope that I can walk through this park without being afraid.

It helps to whistle.

Well, I'm really glad you came with me.

And I loved seeing how passionate you got singing I Am Woman.

Well, I'm having a lot of fun, Donna, and I'm sorry, but you look so hot.

Your new blonde hair shining in the light of the burning effigy of that molester.

Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't we go "take back" the area behind that bench?

When do you want it? Now!

Brooke, did you have the baby yet?

Fez?

No, this is your baby.

And I'm really ugly.

Okay, I know this is a prank, 'cause there's no way my baby would be ugly.

Hello?

Yes, is your refrigerator running?

Because if it is, you better go catch it. Burn!

Stop calling me!

What?

Are you mad?

No, Fez.

Look, you sound mad.

Well, I'm fine.

You say the words, but I can tell you don't mean it.

Look, just don't call me anymore!

Why do you keep hanging up on me if you're not mad?

I'm waiting to hear from the mother of my child!

So you are mad.

Curl up with the phone so we can talk this over.

Fez, I'm hanging up.

Fine, just hang up, then.

Fine.

Are you still there?

Yeah, I'm still here.

Hey.

Hey.

Thanks for not hanging up.

I'm just so mad at that William Barnett.

I mean, thinking you wanted something from him.

Everyone knows I'm all you've ever desired.

Look, if I was in his place, I probably would have thought the same thing, you know?

It's not a big deal. I just wanted to meet the guy and find out if he looked like I imagined my father would look like.

By the way, no.

Well, who needs a father, anyway?

You know what? I've been doing just fine since my dad disappeared into the jungles to bring freedom to the grateful natives.

Jackie, your father is in prison for embezzling $60,000 from the city.

I'm pretty, don't contradict me.

Bring it on, ladies.

You know what's great?

There's, like, half-a-dozen women on the other side of that hedge who would kill to be where I am right now.

Ow! Ow! You're on my hair.

Your beautiful blonde hair?

Get off me! Get off!

Hey, there's a woman in trouble. Let's get him, sisters.

What? No, no!

That's right, you pervert. No means no.

No, ladies, please. I'm...

I'm one of you!

Let's put these work boots to use.

Run, Eric! Run like Bruce Jenner!

Oh, crap, he doesn't know sports.

Open up, it's Dr. Baby Doctor.

I have your baby and he wants to talk to you.

It's just me.

I'm not a doctor, and I don't have your baby.

Burn!

That was a good one.

Listen, this baby stuff's, like, really important to me, okay?

So I'm trying to take it seriously.

Hey, say no more. My sensitive friend, I am sorry.

No more phone pranks from now on.

Learn to trust your friends.

Mr. Sexy's Pizza.

Our special today is sex-a-roni.

Fez! God!

Hello?

Brooke!

What? Your water broke?

What does that mean?

Oh, God, that's disgusting.

No, why would you tell me that?

Oh, jeez! Okay, okay, I'm on my way.

This is it! I'm having a baby!

Go get 'em, buddy!

Mr. Sexy's Pizza.

Our special today is sex-a-roni.

Well, it's like pepperoni, but sexy.

You mean, you want some?

We're closed.

Hey. Hey.

So I was wondering if maybe we could try this again.

Yeah, I mean, it worked so well the first time.

I'm sorry about that. Thing is, if I grew up with nothing and found out I had a dad with money, I would have thought maybe he owed me something.

Well, that's not me.

I know. But when we first met, I thought I saw myself in you.

Yeah, I can see that.

You and me, it's like looking in a mirror.

So you want to go get a beer or something?

I can get you in some places you've probably never been to.

Oh, like that cool jazz bar off the highway?

No, no, I'm talking about country clubs, fancy restaurants.

I'm rich as hell, man.

Everything okay here, Steven?

Yeah, everything's fine.

I am so glad you're back.

I felt horrible letting you go off without any leftovers.

It's nice meeting you, Red.

And you're right. You have raised some fine young men.

Yeah, I'm real proud of them.

They stole all my clothes.

Who?

The angry mob of feminists.

Man, look at you. They even shaved off all your body hair.

Yes.

Yes, they did.

So Kelso has a child.

I cannot wait to see the smile on that sweet little face.

And I'll bet the baby's cute, too.

It is so cool that Steven's father is rich.

You know, it almost makes up for my father being locked away in...

I mean, native land.

Eric, I'm so sorry about what happened at the rally.

It was like watching an antelope get taken down on Wild Kingdom.

This is permanent marker, Donna.

I don't think this is coming off!