That '70s Show S7E20 Script

Gimme Shelter (2005)

I'm so glad I graduated high school.

You know, it is such a relief to finally know everything.

I can't believe I graduated a year ago.

It's like I feel like I've done nothing.

Man, time really flies when you take two naps a day.

Well, I wouldn't say you've done nothing. I mean, you've...

Wow, you've really sat on your ass.

Yep, Forman, we've all passed you by.

I'm running a record store, Donna's a DJ, Kelso's a cop.

Even Fez has a job now.

What is it again, man, shower girl?

Makeup lady?

Shampoo boy!

Hey, I was close.

Wait a second. This mean I'm the loser of the group now?

You're the one that's still living with your mommy.

Man, you're still living with your mommy.

Not for long. Me and Fez are looking for apartments.

Then the only time I'll see my mom is when she's doing my laundry, cooking my meals, taking me to the dentist.

Eric, I feel kind of bad.

You wouldn't even be thinking about this kind of stuff if you weren't caught in the blinding light of my bright future.

You know, the scary thing is, if one year went by this fast, imagine where Eric is gonna be in 10 years.

Thanks for going with me to the Star Trek convention, Uhura.

You can call me Donna now.

That's good, Fez, but I think it's gonna be more like this.

Thanks for going with me to the Star Wars convention, Leia.

You can call me Donna now.

No, man. You're both wrong.

Actually, it's gonna go like this.

Thanks for going with me to the Star Wars convention, Leia.

You can call me Mom now.

Whoa. Eric, they're joking around.

It's funny. No, Donna, it's not funny. In fact...

It's completely possible!

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing

j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Every one of my friends has a career path except for me.

Even Kelso. Kelso!

The kid who thinks that NATO is Japanese for "neato."

You know, it's just not fair.

I mean, you sleep late, you watch TV all day.

The job offers should be rolling in.

Why don't you look into that chiropractic school I suggested?

They're having an enrolment seminar.

You know, a chiropractor is a very prestigious job, especially if you move someplace where they don't have real doctors.

Well, I guess chiropractor is as good as anything I've come up with.

I have wasted an entire year doing absolutely nothing.

Hey, how about a job stating the obvious, 'cause you're getting really good at that.

So, you're gonna be a chiropractor, huh?

All right, every chick patient that you have, you have to tell her the problem is her tailbone, that way you get to grab around on her butt.

Kelso, I'm doing this 'cause I wanna help people.

A handful of ass is just a perk.

Okay, so I just want to remind everybody about my graduation dinner party tomorrow night.

Be there by 6:00 for the champagne toast.

Free champagne? I'm in.

Free toast? I am in, too.

Jackie, a dinner party?

Can't we do something fun, like drive up to the border and throw stuff at Canadians?

I mean, they never fight back 'cause they're Canadian.

Steven, this dinner party is an important event to mark my entrance into womanhood.

Didn't that happen three years ago in the backseat of Kelso's car?

I love talking about this in front of Hyde.

Yeah, me, too, 'cause that way I can do this.

Too hard.

Michael, I circled some apartment listings for you and Fez.

I found a great apartment for Janet Meyers after her divorce.

It has a Murphy bed for when her kids come to visit.

They never do.

She's in AA.

Look at all these places for rent.

Man, I hope we can find one that's got everything my baby needs.

Oh, Kelso, you're always putting me first.

Not you, moron.

Betsy, my daughter.

It's amazing how one tiny person has changed my life so much.

You changed mine, too.

Dr. Don loves being a chiropractor, and you know why?

Because the cosmos has ordained Dr. Don to make people feel good.

Do you get the feeling that Dr. Don writes himself a few too many prescriptions?

No, I think he's cool, and I love the way he calls himself Dr. Don.

Eric's impressed.

Within these hands lies an unexplainable magic that melts away the troubles of the world.

And Dr. Don will prove it to you by demonstrating on this attractive blonde in the front row.

Uh, no, I'm only here to make sure my boyfriend doesn't sneak out to play Space Invaders.

Step on up here, little lady.

Donna, come on. I need to make a good impression.

Look, one little medical experiment isn't gonna kill you.

Come on. Here we go, right on up here.

And now just relax.

Dr. Don has been known to cause patients serious joy.

Wow. That felt great.

Uh-oh. I think your tailbone's out of whack.

All right, show's over.

No. Come on.

Man, we gotta have this place. It's perfect for the baby.

It already smells a little bit like throw up.

Mrs. Forman, you found us a great apartment.

I could just kiss you.

Can I kiss you?

Bob, what are you doing here?

You're selling your house because you're broke.

I knew something was wrong when I didn't see you wearing fur this winter.

No, I come to open houses to meet women.

If a lady's looking for her own place, she's either single or running away from a bad relationship.

Either way, I win.

Is everything all right over...

Oh, it's you.

Fenton.

I'd shake your hand, but I'm afraid I'd catch some kind of third world herpe.

Well, that's fine, 'cause I wouldn't let you touch me with a 10-foot pole.

Well, I wouldn't touch you with a 20-foot pole.

You don't even have a 20-foot pole.

Maybe I'll go buy one just so I can't touch you with it.

Fez, who is this guy?

This is Fenton.

We are having a feud.

Oh, filling out an application, hmm?

Yes. We got here first so don't even think about applying.

I don't have to, I'm the landlord. The lord of the land.

And I'm gonna lord it over you while your butts land outside.

That was clever.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I was gonna give you this $5 to get the apartment, but now you can forget it.

That was clever.

Too slow, old man.

Fez, if you're not polite, he's gonna figure out you're living here.

You're living here?

Oh, great. You blew it, Fez.

Red, he has nowhere else to go.

Well, know this, Pele...

...you gotta sleep sometime.

And during the war, when they were sleeping, that's when I got them.

That wasn't too bad.

He called you Pele.

He is a terrific soccer player.

Oh, everything is set for the party tonight.

Oh, and, Fez, I need you to get there a little early so you can park everyone's cars.

Sorry, Jackie, I can't make it. What?

Yeah, Kelso and I have to go find an apartment tonight or Red is going to kill me in my sleep.

Yeah, and I can't let Fez go alone. Why not?

'Cause then I'll have to go to your party, which I don't want to do.

Whoa. No, no, no. Kelso, you have to go.

If you're not there and Fez is not there, it's gonna be pretty damn obvious that I'm not there.

Okay, Steven, I understand you don't like dinner parties, but just let me make my case.

You're going!

You know, the more I read this chiropractor booklet, the more I'm starting to see that this might be the perfect job for me.

Like, it says right here, you need soft hands.

How many times have you said you didn't even know I was touching you?

Here, let me get a crack at that neck. Whoa.

Shouldn't we wait until you're, like, a little more experienced?

Experienced? Donna, I'm on page 12. Let's do this.

Ow!

Uh-oh. That did not sound good.

Eric, I can't move my neck. Fix it.

Okay, I'm sure the booklet says something about...

Oh, here it is.

Um, okay, I'm gonna need you to sign a release of liability.

Poor Donna.

I think I hurt her pretty bad.

Her neck's stuck, just tilted over like this.

Yeah, but on the upside, it looks like she's really interested in everything I have to say.

So she's got a bad neck. Quit whining.

I've gone out with girls that don't even have necks.

"Hi, Fez."

One time, this girl whipped her head around to look at me

'cause I'm hot, and her neck just snapped.

And then she collapsed into the jukebox.

Kelso, that was The Fonz.

Well, where do you think they got it from?

Forman, forget being a chiropractor, man.

The way I see it, you're diligent, tidy and detail-oriented.

So I think you should become a professional butt wiper.

Come on, man, this is serious.

Eric, you gotta start off slow.

First you should be an amateur butt wiper.

What's wrong with you two? So rude.

Eric, I think you should move to Paris.

That way you can become a butt wipier.

How'd the apartment search go?

Not so good. They can't find anything they like.

Well, how can you be picky? You lived in a jungle.

Any place without a gorilla charging at you should be paradise.

Red, I don't think he lived with gorillas.

Did you?

Where the blazes are you from?

Apparently, Gorilla Land.

We found one place yesterday that was perfect, but we can't get it 'cause Fez and the landlord are having a feud.

Well, you're not spending another night under my roof.

So come on, we're gonna go have a chat with this landlord.

What's this guy got against you anyway?

Who knows? That's like asking you why you hate commies.

You don't know why. You just do.

I know exactly why I hate commies.

They wouldn't stop shooting at me.

Okay, then something else you hate.

Oh, you should have said the Vienna Boys' Choir.

I just want to punch them in the mouth.

How you doing, my little buttercup?

Great.

The Brady Bunch is so much funnier sideways.

Okay, so, at my party tonight, I want everyone to give heartfelt speeches about me, okay?

So here they are.

I don't think I can make it to your party.

Wait, but, Donna, you have to.

I'm afraid I'm out, too.

I gotta tend to my crooked little flower here.

You know, Eric, calling me cute little nicknames doesn't make up for what you did.

Okay.

Hey, whatever you say, my little crazy straw.

I can't believe everyone bailed out on me.

You know, tonight was really important to me, and it's like no one even cares.

Jackie, you look like you really need to talk this through, huh?

I'll go get Mrs. Forman.

Are you Fenton? I'm here to talk to you about the apartment.

Well, you're in luck, it's still available. And FYI, so am I.

Look, I have a wife.

Well, I have a football, but I never use it.

Red, I know you said wait in the car, but Fez keeps playing his crazy bongo music.

It's called jazz, you Philistine.

Oh, you're with them. Deal's off. I have to get to yoga.

Hey, can't we talk about this? No.

See, I told you he was going to be...

Just shut it or I'll shut it for you.

Well, you just don't take crap from anyone, do you, Mr. Man?

I knew this was gonna be a waste of time. Come on, Fez.

We'll go figure out some other place to live with the baby.

Baby? No one mentioned they had a baby.

That... That's so progressive. Progressive?

Well, how can I not give the apartment to two men raising a child together?

Oh.

Yeah, progressive.

Yeah, that's what they are.

They're as progressive as hell.

Why, they're like newlyweds.

Oh. Mmm.

I wish I knew what that was like.

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

Well, Red convinced Fenton to give us the apartment.

Yeah, and Red seemed so happy.

All the way home, he just kept looking at us and laughing.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that Red told Fenton that we knew a lot of chicks.

'Cause Fenton kept checking me out, like he could tell that I knew a lot of chicks.

Eric, I can't believe that you crippled my angel, my pride and joy.

It kills me seeing her like this.

Then why are you bringing her over here?

Oh, I got a date. I met a lady at the open house.

She's got crow's feet, but she works in a sandwich shop, so I bent the rules.

Look, Donna, I'm so sorry about what happened.

You know, I've been thinking about it, I don't think I ever really wanted to be a chiropractor.

I was just, you know, grasping at straws.

I'd nod in agreement but, you know, I'm paralyzed.

Eric, you know what I'm realizing about you?

You're not good at anything.

That's not true, Kelso. Don't forget butt wiping.

Oh. You know what? You guys suck.

Whenever you're in trouble, I don't burn you.

I mean, you know, usually 'cause it's hard for me to think of things right on the spot, but also 'cause, you know, I try to help.

That's actually true.

I mean, Fez, remember when you wanted to learn how to kiss, and Eric taught you by sticking M&M's to the mirror?

That never happened.

I know how to kiss. Shut it, Donna.

Yeah, and, Kelso, how about that time I stayed up with you all night to study for that math final?

I mean, sure, nothing stuck, but, you know, I blame nature for that.

Yep, some people you just can't reach.

You know, Forman, if you can teach Fez how to kiss and Kelso how to do math, you can probably teach anybody anything.

Why don't you just become a teacher?

That actually makes a lot of sense.

I mean, you have all this knowledge about stuff you have no ability to do.

A teacher? Well, I do like helping people.

I mean, I'd love to help kids.

Yeah. Like, "Mr. Forman."

That just feels really great.

Yeah, a teacher. That just feels so right.

There it is. Forman's gonna be a teacher. This calls for a toast.

All right.

To Forman.

To Forman.

What's going on?

You guys are all too busy to come to my party, and here you are, having a party.

For you.

To Jackie.

To Jackie.

Okay, I don't believe you.

But as long as I'm center of attention, I'll take it.

Jackie, grab a beer. This is a great day.

You graduated, they found an apartment, and guess what?

I'm gonna be a teacher.

Eric, you know what you should teach?

Butt wiping.

Fez, that was really inappropriate.

Eric, you should teach history.

The history of butt wiping.

How's your neck, honey? Oh, it still hurts.

Come over here. I'm a nurse. I know what to do.

Take two of these.

Are you sure this is for neck pain?

Neck pain, headaches, bad days, they take the edge off of everything.