That '70s Show S7E21 Script

2120 So. Michigan Ave (2005)

That was probably our second-best potato chip war ever.

What the hell?

We'll clean it up later, dude.

I'm not your "dude," and you never clean anything up.

Well, we mean to, but then we leave, and then we come back and it's already cleaned up.

You eat my food, you dirty up my house, and every time I go into a bedroom, I have to wonder about finding one of you naked with some poor girl.

Well, at least you know that if you find me naked in a room, I'm by myself.

All right, I want everybody who doesn't live in this house to get out now.

Well, you're a real bummer, man.

Come on, Fez, let's go to our new apartment where people can do whatever they want, whenever they want.

Just like the Bible says, "Let my people do whatever they want."

Eric, the high school sent over your transcript, which means you can start applying to teachers college.

Now, you tell me what school you wanna go to, and I will send them a pie.

Because you cannot eat a lady's pie and then not let her son into the school.

I gotta admit, Forman, it's nice finally seeing you do something with your life.

Almost inspires me to make my record store the best damn store in the region.

Nah.

It says here that Eric got an "I-N-C" in gym class.

"I-N-C"? I bet that stands for "incredible."

Kitty, it's "incomplete." I know, you have to add the "redible."

"You have failed to meet the requirements for graduation.

"To receive your diploma, you must attend summer session PE."

Ha.

"Ha"?

I didn't graduate and all you have to say is "ha"?

Oh, and also "hee-hee."

This sucks.

Yep, but you have to remember one thing, Forman, it only sucks for you.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

I can't believe I'm back in gym, or as I like to call it, "The institute of things I can't do."

Casey Kelso?

Hey there, Pinciotti.

Wow, look who you got with you, little Foreplay.

Yep, that's me. Okay. Okay, okay. Okay.

Ms. Forman. God, you get younger every time I see you.

Oh, me, too. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Pinciotti, you're looking so good.

I'm sorry I ever broke up with you.

The thing is, see, I got this tendency to, uh...

No. What's the word? "Smoulder"?

I think the word you're looking for is "ditch, bail, run away"?

No, no.

Oh, wait, did you say "bail"? Yeah. Yeah.

So, Casey, how did we get so lucky to see you here today?

A little bit sweaty.

Well, I'm the teacher.

No way!

That's funny. It looks like a normal gym, but apparently I've stumbled into the mouth of hell.

Yeah, see, the coach needed someone to fill in, so he called the best quarterback that Point Place High ever had.

And I figured, you know, the cheerleaders, they practise in here, so it'd give me a good chance to see what's gonna be on the market in a couple years.

I can't believe that you get to decide whether or not I graduate high school.

Well, look, I'll tell you what, you give me one pull-up over there, I'll tell the school you passed.

Okay. Okay, let's get this done, Foreplay.

Get over there.

Hey, Pinciotti, you see all these eighth grade boys checking you out?

No, they're not. Really?

Hi, boys.

All righty, let's get this done.

Here we go.

Just getting in a really good stretch here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me show you how it's done, Foreplay.

I don't know, man, it's trickier than it looks.

You real... Oh, you got it. Good. Yeah.

That's what I was going for.

Is it hot in here or what?

Okay, Fez, this bedroom's clearly better 'cause it has its own bathroom, so I'm gonna go ahead and be the bigger man and give it to myself.

But I need a room with its own bathroom.

Otherwise I'm gonna have to walk through the living room when, you know, when I have a moment with myself.

That's too bad. I want it. I want it.

Well, I want it. I want it.

I want it! I'll kill you.

What?

Okay, wait, wait.

Fine, you can take it.

I don't want it anyway. I was in there earlier and I heard voices.

Voices?

What kind of voices?

Well, they weren't unfriendly. They kept saying, "Get out."

I don't want the haunted room.

Well, I don't want it. Well, I don't want it.

Okay, fine.

I'll take the room of death.

But you owe me one. Thanks, man.

Hi, boys. Hey.

I brought you a housewarming gift. Glass grapes.

Every so often someone tries to eat one, it's a real conversation starter.

I remember.

You know, it looks like you might need some help unpacking.

Kitty, no. Oh, just sit. I'll just be a minute.

But remember, you are a guest in these kids' home.

Just like they've been a guest in our home for years.

Yeah.

I'm a guest.

Just like they've been guests in my house.

Hey, that was my programme. Yeah, that's a bummer.

Oops.

What kind of animal just dumps food on someone's couch?

I'll clean it up later, dude.

Okay, that's it. You're going down.

Or, I mean, I'm coming up.

Yeah. Let's not pretend like this is gonna happen, okay, Forehead?

Forehead? That's... Come on, man, that's not even good.

They're all good to me, Forehead.

But, tell you what, I'll pass you if you can tell me one thing.

How's a guy that can't even do one pull-up get someone like Donna?

Wow. You know, at least I'm not the dillhole who's strutting around the gym with my whistle, thinking I'm all cool because I'm teaching summer school PE to a bunch of botards.

Yeah, I think it's really weird that you'd say that to me, Forehead, especially since I was just about to sign your transcript, but I don't know, now it seems like I've lost my pen.

You didn't lose...

Okay, listen up.

I wanna teach you all a little game. It's called Target.

Ooh. What's Target?

All right, all moved in. Chateau Kelso is open for business.

You know, "chateau" is German for "mister."

Michael, you should have gotten the room with the bathroom.

You earned it by being born better looking.

Oh, well, I could have had it, but Fez said that there were evil spirits in there, so I made him take it.

Sucker.

Man, I can't believe you fell for that.

Especially after that time he told you evil spirits lived in that hot dog and then you gave him that.

Wait, are you saying he's tricking me?

Foreigners always lie.

That's how the Indians tricked us into buying New Mexico.

You boys are gonna need a plumber.

I tried to flush your pillow down the toilet, it just wouldn't go.

Ooh! Matches.

Hi, honey. How was your first day at school?

It was awful. Casey's definitely gonna fail me.

Oh, that doesn't sound like my Casey.

I mean, the world's Casey.

Man, it's like I finally figured out what I wanna do with my life, and now I might never be able to do it.

And, might I add, through no fault of my own.

Eric, the last time you used the phrase "through no fault of my own" was when you said, "Donna, your cat's dead

"through no fault of my own."

Which I later found out meant, "Donna, I ran over your cat."

What did you do in class? Were you being a porky mouth?

What?

No. A little bit, yeah.

Well, there's only one thing to do.

I'm gonna have to put on some lipstick and go apologize to Casey.

Fez, you made up all that stuff about the room.

And I want the room, so give it back.

You give it back. You give it back.

You give it back. You give it back.

Hi, Casey. Hey.

Look, I wanted to talk to you about Eric. Who?

Foreplay. Oh, yeah.

Look, I want to know if you can just go ahead and let him get his diploma, because it's really important to him and me.

There might be one way I can pass the little guy.

All right? You know, all you gotta do is, you know, just go out with me on a date.

Casey, I'm with Eric. Who?

I'm not saying it again. Come on, one date.

'Cause I'm still trying to figure out why I ever broke up with a blonde.

I was a redhead then.

Man, I gotta start paying attention.

So get this, I went down to the gym to talk to Casey, and he said that the only way he'd pass you is if I go out on a date with him.

What?

Oh, thank you, Donna, thank you.

So you'd let me go out with him?

Well, Donna, if you really loved me, I mean,

you'd date other men.

Get bent.

Now, if she really loved me, she'd date other women.

Okay, the competition for who gets the better bedroom is gonna be based on the Miss America pageant.

Ooh, I'll be Miss Texas.

That bitch always wins.

Okay, the first event is the talent portion of the competition.

Okay.

Judges, I present you with a dramatic scene from the major motion picture The Godfather.

"There's an entire horse in my bed.

"Why would you do this, Godfather. Why?"

And then the horse says, "Let this be a warning."

The horse doesn't talk, Kelso.

Oh. I was thinking of Jaws. "Look at my jaw."

Fez, you're up.


I think we're gonna give this round to the foreign kid.

I just ran into Donna. Oh, was she on a date with Casey?

No, and she doesn't seem too happy with you.

I don't know why she's so mad.

Well, you'll often find, as you go through life, that when you try to turn your girlfriend into a prostitute, she gets cranky.

Okay, but, Dad, passing PE is all that's standing between me and the rest of my life.

You're lucky this table is standing between my foot and your ass.

Now you go down there with Donna and do a pull-up, and earn the respect of that woman who inexplicably loves you.

You know what? You're right, I gotta do this.

I can do this.

I just gotta be like Luke in Star Wars.

I just have to really believe that I can.

Yeah, but I don't believe I can, so this is nothing like that.

Any tricks to doing a pull-up? Yes.

You pull

up.

Thanks, Obi-Wan.

Eric, what are we doing here?

You gonna make me sell a kidney so you can pass math?

No, we're here because I'm a man, damn it.

Hey, buddy, guess what?

You're not taking my girlfriend out. Guess why?

'Cause I'm about to pass gym, fair and square, on the basis of my own strength.

Side bar.

What are you doing? I'm doing a pull-up, woman.

Wow, it looks like somebody really had their Wheaties this morning.

Actually, I had Cocoa Puffs.

So I'm cuckoo, man, cuckoo.

Donna, stand back, mostly because I'm gonna be kicking my legs a lot.

You can do it, Eric. Never gonna happen, Foreplay.

Foreplay. Foreplay. Foreplay.

It's not, Foreplay. It's Forman.

Eric, you did it. Wow, congratulations.

So, we going out or what?

Look, stay away from my girl, okay, Casey Kelso?

Or wait, maybe I should say Casey Smellso.

"Smellso"? Wow, that's really cold, Forman.

You know, I'm just gonna go sign your transcript 'cause I don't think I wanna hang out any more, okay?

Eric, I am so proud of you.

I'd hug you back but...

Well, I can't move my arms.

We're back.

I told Red he had to fix the very unsanitary thing he did with a pillow in your bathroom.

So, we're gonna have to skip the swimsuit competition because Fez won't promise not to show us his wee-wee.

So we're gonna go right into interview.

Each of you will have to answer the question, "Why do you deserve the better room?"

Michael, you go first.

Okay.

Well, Judges,

you may look in there and see just a room, but I see a place where I can raise my daughter, and watch her grow, and create memories, until the day that I see her walk out that door.

And then through the living room here and out the main door.

Michael, that's really beautiful.

Yeah, Kelso, real nice.

Let me tell you a story about a young boy who dreamt of one day being in America.

In a room just like that.

And with a tear in his eye he said...

Which means, "I want it."

"I want it."

I want it.

Well, now I vote they both get the room.

I guess the only way to solve this is a foot race to the room.

Go.

It's mine!

I got here first, the room is mine.

Gross! Old people sex!

Red, you said you locked the door.

Sorry, dudes.

Room's yours.

One hundred.

You know, I bet we could make it to 200 if that shirt wasn't weighing you down.

Well, the only way this shirt's coming off is if I get a kiss from the best-looking lady in Point Place.

Well, bring it in dreamboat.

Oh, Casey!

"Oh, Casey"? j& Oh, Casey, you see j& By the dawn's early light j&

I just had the most patriotic dream.