That '70s Show S7E23 Script

Take It or Leave It (2005)

It's funny, Eric.

I thought I told you to clean out the Vista Cruiser, but what I must have said was, "Go sit on your ass."

No, I was there, Red. You definitely said, "Go clean out the Cruiser," but he just insists on being defiant.

Look, I'm sorry, Dad, but something really important came up.

I Dream of Jeannie did her blinking thing, and now Dr. Bellows thinks he's a monkey.

No, Dr. Bellows is a monkey that thinks he's a doctor, that's what's funny.

He's sitting at the desk and stuff, but he's a monkey.

You're a monkey.

You're a monkey.

Eric, I need that car to go pick up Charlie at the airport.

You're bringing another guy here?

We need another guy here like I need another firecracker in my bathing suit.

Well, until you learn to stop wearing Speedos, you're gonna keep getting firecrackers.

Charlie's this annoyingly nice kid.

His dad and my dad were drinking buddies in the Navy.

We weren't drinking buddies. We were finely honed killing buddies.

Yeah, well, I never liked him.

At the last Navy picnic, we got teamed up for the egg toss, and he dropped our egg, on purpose, just so these little sick kids could win.

Those little twerps went home with my goldfish in a bag.

My goldfish.

Yeah, well, Charlie's only gonna be here a few days on business for his dad, and the last thing he needs is to be exposed to you deviants.

Whoa, Dad, we are not deviants.

Jeannie's bending over!

Let's go.

You guys, I gotta talk to Steven about something really serious.

Maybe she's pregnant. Maybe she cheated on him.

Maybe she cheated on him and she's pregnant.

Oh!

Steven, this TV producer called to tell me he loved my public access show.

And then he offered me a job at his station in Chicago starting next week.

Whoa. You're gonna take a job and move to Chicago?

No, no, not yet. Well, I wanted to talk to you about it first.

Oh!

This is serious serious, not funny serious.

We should probably leave.

But we won't.

Steven, this is my dream come true, but you are the most important thing in the world to me.

So I'm willing to give it all up and stay here with you.

But if I do that, I need to know we're gonna get married.

Jackie, we just agreed not to talk about our future.

But our future is happening right now.

Look, the station needs an answer by noon on Sunday, and I do, too.

Well, I don't know what to say right now.

I know this is a sensitive moment, but may I offer a word of advice?

Run!

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Eric, you remember Charlie.

Well, I remember a perfectly tossed egg from me, an unconvincing "whoops" from him, and the sound of laughter as some children ran away with my goldfish in a bag.

Eric, you put some kind of spin on that egg, it was uncatchable like a curveball.

Ha. Your whole story's unraveling, man.

I can't throw a curveball.

Dad, tell him.

I'm gonna have to side with my son on this one.

He can't even throw a straight ball.

Charlie, I made you a pancake smiley face with sausage arms and a little scrambled egg cardigan.

Where's my whimsical breakfast?

Oh, well, since you decided to go teach in Africa without consulting me, all you get is a plain pancake breakfast with nothing smiling at you. Nothing.

Morning. Hey, I smell bacon.

Hey, boys, have you met Charlie?

Oh, hey. I'm Kelso. Hi.

I'm gonna eat your breakfast.

And I'm Fez, and just so you know, I'm the coolest guy in this gang.

All right, I gotta go to work.

Charlie, if Eric and his friends start to bother you, just hold up a book. It's like kryptonite to them.

Oh, hey, Donna.

Are you still mad about this whole Africa thing?

Yep, but instead of pouting at my house and being miserable, I decided to come here and make you miserable.

That's the spirit, Donna.

Here, eat his bacon.

You made me bacon?

Yep, I just kept it over here in America.

Mmm. Bacon.

Wow, who's she?

Don't even think about it. Donna is with Eric and then she's mine.

And then she is mine.

And then, right back to me for another go-round.

Hey, Hyde, I heard about Jackie. What are you gonna do?

Well, I spent all morning kicking it back with my stash to see what came to me.

But all that came to me was a great idea for a movie that now I just can't remember.

Is that what that smell was? Aren't you afraid you'll get arrested?

I'm a cop.

You guys are crazy.

The closest I ever came to breaking the law was when me and my friend, Toby, cut out of school five minutes before the last bell.

My heart was beating so fast.

'Cause you were naked?

No.

I don't get it.

You know what, Hyde?

Your problem is you didn't handle Jackie's ultimatum like a man.

Like, if Donna tries that with me, I'm just gonna say, "Hey, guess what?

"You don't get to tell me what to do with my life."

And then, depending on how much steam I have left, I may even call her toots.

Hey, Eric.

You know how guys always ask me out, but I say no because I have a boyfriend?

It's true, she won't budge.

Well, since you're going to Africa, I figured, you know, I should be moving on with my life, too.

And there's this guy named Kevin where I work, and he asked me out tonight. I said yes.

What? You're gonna... Oh.

I think I see what's going on here.

Looks like somebody's caught the ultimatum bug.

Okay, I'll play along.

You're gonna go out with this Kevin guy or what?

Or nothing. This isn't an ultimatum.

Okay, I'm prepared for an ultimatum.

I need to figure out what I'm gonna wear. Maybe that really short pink skirt.

Oh, that's over at my place.

You have her skirt? Don't judge me, new guy.

It feels so good not to be the monkey in the middle.

Dance, monkey, dance.

I can't believe Donna's going out with this guy from work.

You know, I made a point of going down there and spreading a rumor that she had crabs.

Don't talk to me, Forman.

This whole thing with Jackie is all your fault.

How?

Because I wouldn't have even been in the basement last night when Jackie came over, if we had gone to go play pinball like I wanted.

But you wouldn't go.

So now I gotta figure out my entire life because you claimed the change guy touched you weird.

He put the quarters right into my pocket.

I'm tired of messing with Charlie.

He's not even reaching for the ball anymore.

Well, you know, if you want, we can hang out at my dad's warehouse.

That sounds great.

Really? No, shut up.

All right, well, I have to get down there and unlock the door.

We're getting a shipment today.

Shipment of what? Beer. My dad owns a beer warehouse.

Your dad owns a beer warehouse? Mmm-hmm.

You can touch the ball now.

You had to see Eric's face when I told him about my date, he was all nervous and surprised.

It reminded me of his sex face.

Donna, I don't wanna hear about Eric's sex face. I'm upset enough.

You wanna know what the best part is? I don't even have a date.

I made the whole thing up just to mess with Eric's head.

I wish I had manipulated Steven instead of opening up my heart.

Now I'm the vulnerable one waiting for his answer.

Yeah, I was a little surprised.

I mean, the bitchy stuff is your bread and butter.

You know, I had fake pregnancy right up my sleeve and I didn't even use it.

Whoa.

Holy crap. That's the most beer I've ever seen.

Let me just hit the lights.

Let me rephrase that. That's the most beer I've ever seen.

It's the mother lode.

It's like now I know how the immigrants felt when they finally saw the majestic skyline of New York City.

Actually, Eric, most of the immigrants arrived in the 19th century before the skyline was ever built.

I mean, beer!

I... I...

I don't know where to start.

You know, the kegs are cold. Why don't we start with the kegs?

Hey, we'll handle this, new guy.

We'll start with the kegs.

There's nothing like drinking beer straight from the tap.

This must be why babies love breast-feeding.

Reminds me of an ancient Chinese proverb. It goes, something, something, something, crazy girlfriend, something, something, drink lots of beer.

Hyde, I don't think we're gonna find the answer to our problems in a keg of beer.

Unless they're at the bottom, so drink up.

I've been in this warehouse a hundred times, and I never did this.

Now I know why my grandmother's an alcoholic.

This is great.

I'm gonna need a bigger mouth.

Girls, please tell me that Charlie is here.

Wait, isn't he at your house with the guys?

No. Oh, sweet Lord, they got him.

You know, Donna, you should be out there trying to keep Eric from going to Africa instead of sitting here on your patootie.

Well, I'm doing everything I can. I even lied to him and told him I was out on a date with another guy.

Sweetie, that's amateur hour.

God gave you a very full chest, I suggest you start using it on my son.

I cannot believe Eric went out. He's supposed to be at home agonizing.

Well, maybe they went out to buy flowers for when Steven proposes.

No, they would have just sent Fez.

They're out having fun, and that is exactly what we're gonna do.

Okay, here's what I don't get.

Why would Sally sell seashells down by the seashore?

I mean, that's a terrible location for a seashell stand.

Yeah, I mean, if she wanted to make money, she would sell seashells by the subway.

You know what she should sell by the seashore?

Shoeshines, 'cause your sandals get so sandy.

Sandy sandals.

We should start a girl band called Sandy Sandals.

What's wrong?

Well, sand reminds me of dirt, and dirt reminds me of Steven.

Jackie, I'm sure Hyde will do the right thing.

You know, I thought if I really put myself out there, he'd see how much I love him and say yes right away.

And then when he didn't, I thought, okay, well, maybe he'll take a couple hours and then say yes.

But now I think he's only taking so long 'cause he's gonna say no.

Donna, what if he says no?

Jackie, if Hyde says no, then you and I get a van, and the Sandy Sandals tour America.

And in a nutshell, that's what it's like to be on the debate team at a Catholic high school.

Yeah, I love Catholic schoolgirls.

They don't teach sex ed, so they don't know what not to do.

Yeah, maybe, but I never really got together with any of them.

Wait, you never...

Wait, wait, wait, everyone, wait.

Before you start in on him, let me just say, when I was a virgin, all I wanted was for one person to say it was okay.

And no one did.

Neither will I. Freak!

Okay, I finally made up my mind about Jackie.

I'm gonna marry her. I'm gonna be Mrs. Jackie Hyde.

I think you need one more beer.

Could be.

Virgin.

Man, how do you not have sex with all those girls that are always throwing themselves at you?

That doesn't happen to everyone, jackass.

How dare she give me an ultimatum? This is my life she's messing with.

She can go to hell. I will see her in hell.

Maybe one more.

One more couldn't hurt.

Eric, I wonder what Donna's doing on her date.

Oh, you know what, man? I don't care.

She just wants me to come running after her, and I'm not gonna do that.

You know what? That is totally the right move, man.

Plus, it's, like, after 9:00, so if you go over there now, you'll probably walk in on her and that guy sliding all over each other.

And if I know Donna, she's moaning like a ghost.

Okay, Donna does not moan like a ghost.

I could make her moan like a ghost.

You know what, guys?

I'm a little confused, but I do know that I love you guys.

I really, really do.

Hey, where'd Kelso go?

Well, hello, toots.

Back from your date so soon, huh?

Used to be you have to buy a girl dinner, if you wanted her to slide all over you moaning like a ghost.

Okay, you know what? I didn't have a date, but I should've.

Wait, so you lied? Yeah, I was pissed.

I mean, all of a sudden, you're leaving me.

Well, look, I'm only gonna be gone for a year.

I don't care. I don't want you to go.

I mean, you've always been, like, 20 steps away from me my entire life.

What am I supposed to do without you?

Look, Donna, this is gonna be really tough for both of us.

But, hey, you know what?

The good news is, when I come back, we're gonna spend all this time together because, you know, you're probably gonna have to nurse me back to health from some horrible African disease.

Look, you know I love you.

And we're wasting our time fighting. I know. You're right.

We should just enjoy the time we have left.

Yeah, I'm all for that.

Well, it's not what I had in mind, but okay.

Wait, Eric, you're back.

Where's Steven?

Uh...

Okay, he's passed out in the back of a beer warehouse.

You mean, he's not coming.

He's gonna say no. Oh, my God.

Oh, Jackie, I'm sorry.

What?

I'm too drunk anyway.

All right, you two, where's Charlie?

Look, Dad, not so loud, okay? We had a really rough night.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Where's Charlie?

Who's Charlie?

Last time I saw him, he was on a stack of kegs claiming Mount Schlitz for the US.

Oh, crap, and he was a good kid.

Now who am I gonna spend time with?

I don't know. Me.

Don't be a smart ass.

Well, it's almost noon.

Guess I gotta go talk to Jackie.

What are you gonna tell her?

I don't know, man.

I'm thinking about letting the El Camino make the final decision.

If it pulls to the left, marriage, pulls to the right, nudie bar.

So you haven't decided?

No, I've decided.

Steven?

Jackie stopped by and asked me to give you this note.

Oh.

It says she took the job in Chicago and she left this morning.

Oh, you poor baby.

You know what? I am gonna turn my back and let you go into the kitchen and have a beer.

That better be Charlie.

Mr. Forman, is this your daughter?

I don't know who did this to him, but they sure are clever.

They put you in a dress, huh?

Welcome to Point Place.

Listen, Charlie, about last night, I know you're thinking you're getting picked on a lot.

Hey, I know you guys are just having some fun.

Let me finish.

Around here, I'm the whipping boy, not you, me.

Okay. Let me finish.

I do the drinking and I put on the dresses. You got it, hotshot?

Got it. Would you let me finish?

I'm finished.