That '70s Show S7E24 Script

Short and Curlies (2005)

Good morning, Mr. Forman.

Charlie, didn't recognize you without your schoolgirl skirt.

Why don't you go drink another warehouse full of beer?

Then you can get out of those uncomfortable boy things.

Wow, he came in here, just attacked you and completely ignored me.

You must be the one the prophet spoke of.

Man, I really got off on the wrong foot with your dad.

It'll blow over. How long could he stay mad at a kid, right?

You know what? Later on, I'm gonna find him and apologize.

I'm sure he'll understand.

Yeah. Hey, if you're looking for a good conversation starter, just say we were probably wrong to go into Vietnam.

Here's your breakfast, Charlie.

Oh, Eric, I didn't realize you still lived here. I thought you left for Africa.

No, I've been sitting here for, like, 10 minutes.

Then you better get going or you're gonna be late for Africa.

Okay, I get it, Mom. You're trying to make me feel bad about leaving.

Oh, are you still here? I thought you were in Africa.

So, my mom's doing this whole passive-aggressive guilt thing about me going to Africa, which basically just consists of her saying the word "Africa" a lot.

Well, I believe that if you want someone to know how you feel, it's better to use the direct approach, like this.

Don't go to Africa, dill hole. Ow.

So, Hyde, speaking of annoying women who hit, have you heard anything from Jackie? Nope. That's fine by me, man.

I mean, who does she think she is, giving me an ultimatum?

"Marry me or I'm moving to Chicago."

And then she takes off before I even give her an answer.

Well, what's the big deal, man? I mean, she pretty much let you off the hook.

Yeah. I mean, you were gonna say no anyway, unless...

Oh, my God! You were gonna say yes.

No.

What? No.

Oh, my God. You were gonna marry her.

You were gonna marry her because you love her.

"Hey, Jackie, "you're everything this poor little orphan boy ever needed."

"Oh, my God. I really am."

"Oh, my God."

Hey, I don't love her. You know what love is?

Love is for losers who are too afraid to be alone.

Oh, no, you're thinking of kittens.

Hey, so, I gotta go.

I'm gonna go wrap your going-away present.

Eric, you're the one going away. You didn't have to get me anything.

Yeah, well, I knew you were gonna get me something, and I didn't want this to be awkward again like, you know, Christmas.

Well, I did get you something.

Oh, crap, I didn't get him anything.

He leaves in three days.

Oh, well, why don't you just get him an ultimatum?

It's free. You don't have to wrap it. It'll totally make him wish he was dead.

Yeah. Well, it's between that or one of those shirts that makes him look all muscley.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Look at the blanket I got for our new apartment.

I found it in the dumpster.

It's got lots of stains, so it goes with everything.

That is so awesome.

I'm not even gonna ask what you were doing in the dumpster.

Is Steven here? No, he went to work.

Oh, but before he left, he was chucking everything you ever gave him all around the basement.

It was like a hailstorm of stuffed animals and Abba records.

Wait, what are you doing here anyway? I thought you left for Chicago.

Well, I would have, but my mom took the car to Tijuana and won't be back till Cinco de Mayo, whenever that is.

So, until then, I need you guys to help me avoid the horrors of seeing Steven so I can figure out a way to get out of here.

Well, that's too bad, 'cause I think I hear him coming down the stairs now.

Oh, my God. What do I do?

Okay. Quick, get down under the blanket.

He's not coming down. I made the whole thing up and now you're under a stinky blanket.

The stinky blanket burn! That is awesome!

Oh, that is disgusting. Oh, this blanket smells like dog.

That is because when I found it, it was wrapped around a dead dog.

Uh-oh, Jackie. He's coming for real this time. Get down!

Oh, my God!

I got her! I got her!

I am gonna kick you both in the nads.

Well, you're gonna have to do it later because here he comes now.

Oh, well, now I don't believe you. Okay, then.

Hey, come on in. Good to see you, Hyde. What's going on, buddy?

She did it again!

I hate you.

Oh, man, we could do this all day.

Yeah, I got nowhere to be, man.

I got the best going-away present for Eric.

Okay, a pen and pencil set.

That way, he can write me every day.

Well, isn't that just...

Donna, a going-away gift should be something special, meaningful, personal.

Okay, like what? Clock radio?

Underwear? Some spoons? Help me.

No, honey, like...

Okay, before Red went to Korea, I had my sister take a sexy boudoir photograph of me.

I was wearing nothing but a fur coat.

Mrs. Forman, you bad, bad girl.

It was racy.

You could see my knees.

Hey, Eric. We need something to drink.

Our throats are all dry from laughing over Jackie and the stinky blanket.

Jackie and the stinky blanket.

It sounds like a delightful Hardy Boys mystery.

I'll tell you what the mystery is, why aren't those boys nailing Nancy Drew?

'Cause she's got glasses.

Mystery solved.

So, I gotta go over to Donna's, get my going-away present.

Man, she is, like, the world's worst gift giver.

Remember that ugly sweater vest and that huge man ring?

Now I gotta go get excited about some other lame thing.

"Oh, wow, Donna, clown shoes. Thank you so much."

I wish I had a beautiful girl giving me clown shoes.

Hell, I'd settle for a beautiful clown giving me girl shoes.

I dated a clown once.

But soon as I learned how to make those balloon animals, I dumped her.

Excuse me, Mr. Forman...

What the hell?

Well, that was exciting.

Mr. Forman, I was looking for you to apologize about the dress thing, okay?

But then I opened the door and wow.

No, no, I don't mean, "Wow." I mean, "Oh, no!"

No, no, I don't mean, "Oh, no."

Well, what were you doing just standing there?

I was like a deer caught in the headlights. Oh, I said, "headlights."

Red, it was a very awkward situation.

No one knew what to do.

Well, I know what I would do if I saw you naked.

I'd turn and run the other way.

I mean, there is no reason on Earth for a 19-year-old boy to be staring at a woman your age.

Look, damn it, he's the one in trouble here, not me.

Hey, Kitty, could I have some peanut oil? I'm gonna fry up some jumbo shrimp, which is a funny name. It's like calling someone a giant midget.

I'd like to see one of those.

Get this, Bob.

Charlie here walked into our bedroom and saw Kitty naked.

How was that?

Well, how do you think it was? It was horrifying.

Excuse me?

So, Mr. Forman, how wrong was it for us to get into Vietnam, huh?

Uh-oh. Jackie, Hyde's coming for real this time.

Quick, drink this old root beer.

You know what? I am so tired of you two lying about Steven just so you can humiliate me.

Okay, you're right. Let me make it up to you by offering you this different, not old root beer.

Jackie, Hyde is coming right now.

You know what, Michael? I am sorry, but I am not playing your little game anymore.

Jackie.

Why aren't you in Chicago?

Why do you smell like a dead dog?

Okay, Donna, I'm ready for my going-away present.

Yahoo.

All right, here I come.

Holy Mother of Skywalker.

You can do whatever you want to Princess Leia.

Her force field is down.

Donna, this is the best... Wait a second, Leia doesn't have a force field. She...

You know what? I'm too excited to quibble. Come here.

I thought you left town.

Why? Because you're so amazing and incredible that I simply couldn't exist in the same town as you knowing you couldn't make a commitment?

No, because you wrote me a note saying that you left town.

Oh!

Well, that, Steven, was a metaphor, a metaphor for the fact that my heart and mind are gone, but my body is still here,

in this very awkward situation.

Want me to cover you up with the stinky blanket?

Would you guys get lost?

Oh, you want your privacy. I understand.

We're just gonna go upstairs and listen through the vent.

So, what are you doing here, Jackie? You got something you wanna say to me?

Yes.

I wanted to say that I'm leaving for real this time.

So you came back to tell me that you're leaving again?

Yes, but this is goodbye.

All right, I'll see you tomorrow then.

Steven, I'm serious.

So want to hang out next week?

I'm going.

Unless...

Unless, Steven, there's something you'd like to say, in which case, I'm listening.

Yeah.

Have a good trip.

I will.

Can you guys stand closer to the vent and talk louder?

Wow, so, it's like, I can do anything I want?

Can I touch your buns?

What? You wanna touch my butt?

No, not those buns. You know, the buns.

Eric, that seems kind of weird.

Yeah. You know what? That is, like, a little weird.

Maybe I'll just rub my face up against one of them?

Okay.

Leia.

Oh, Leia.

Donna, meet me downstairs for fried shrimp in T-minus 20 seconds.

Wear an old shirt. These things are greasy.

Wow, that's almost enough to take you right out of the moment, huh?

Okay, Donna. From now on, the only thing I'd like you to say is, "Use the force, Eric."

Okay, that seems kind of... Donna.

Use the force, Eric.

Man, and now Mr. Forman is even madder at me since I saw Mrs. Forman naked.

I mean, doesn't he know I went to Catholic school?

I don't even know what any of that stuff is.

Now what exactly did you see?

And I'm only asking because I find Ms. Kitty attractive in a sexual way.

I know how you can get back on Red's good side.

Walk in on him naked.

No way, man. I do know what that stuff is, and I don't want to see it.

No, seriously. Look, it's perfect.

Look, Red assumes that everyone is either a pervert or an idiot.

He thinks I'm both. He thinks I'm both.

See, and if you walk in on Red naked, he's gonna assume that you're the biggest idiot in the world.

That kind of makes sense.

You know, you probably hear this all the time, but you're really smart.

I do hear that all the time.

Hey, Jackie, how'd it go with Hyde? Did he ask you to stay?

No. But even if he did, I can't stay, because I've got a career waiting for me in Chicago.

But I am stuck here in this stupid place with no way out.

Jackie, you know what would help?

If you eat this dirty Milk Dud.

Shut up, Fez.

Jackie, I'm here for you, okay?

So I'll even give you a ride.

Really? Michael, that would be great.

And I won't do anything, because frankly, I don't have much to offer.

You guys smell smoke?

Everyone out of the house!

I used too much oil in the Fry Baby.

The whole kitchen's filled with smoke.

Bob? Bob, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine, but my shrimp are ruined. So I'm gonna have to eat with you guys.

I hope you're making something good, Kitty.

Fire! Fire!

What the hell is on your head?

I'm still wearing the helmet, aren't I?

What did you do to my daughter?

Nothing.

I was a perfect gentleman.

I just squeezed her buns.

I suggested a photograph, not a go-go dance from outer space.

I smell like smoke from Bob's damn fire.

If Kitty's looking for me, I went upstairs to take a shower.

Now's your chance to catch Red naked.

He's gonna think I'm such an idiot. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Give him enough time to take everything off.

You don't want to walk in on him wearing nothing but socks.

That would just make this whole thing weird.

Oh, boy.

Get back here, you pervert.

That boy just can't get enough of me.

Sorry my present didn't work out.

Well...

I mean, we are alone now.

And I think I know exactly what might get you back in the mood.

A little romantic music.

Where were we? Oh, yes, you were a prisoner aboard the Death Star.

And I am the only stormtrooper with the keys to your laser chastity belt.

That's in the movie?

Donna, it's implicit.

God, I'm gonna miss you, Eric.

I'm sorry. What was that?

Use the force, Eric.

All right, here we are.

Good luck in Chicago.

Michael, this is the bus station.

Yeah. I said I'd give you a ride, and then under my breath I whispered, "To the bus station."

No, no, no.

No. I can't ride the bus.

Other people's butts have been on those seats.

Well, I'm not driving you all the way there. That's, like, two hours away.

Michael, you put this car in gear and take me to Chicago right now.

You know what? You haven't changed at all.

You're still just a spoiled little princess who gets by on her good looks, and bitchy demands, and mean and painful pinches.

Yeah, well, you still don't have any manners.

A real man wouldn't let the princess ride the bus.

Well, you know what? You're not even a princess.

You're just a little bossy boss.

That's right, Michael. I'm the boss, and you're taking the boss to Chicago right now.

Ahhh! Fine!

You're always telling me what to do.

I've missed this.

Please, Mr. Stormtrooper, I'll do anything you want if you only spare the planet Alderaan.

Eric, you have a line. We rehearsed this.

Wait a minute.

Fez!

But I just want to touch the buns. Let me touch the buns.