That '70s Show S7E25 Script

Till the Next Goodbye (2005)

All right, here's your motel.

You're gonna love Chicago.

You never lived near the ocean, but that's all about to change thanks to good old Lake Michigan.

Yeah, I just wish I knew someone here.

A friendly face, you know?

Don't worry. You're gonna be great.

Oh, boy, I got a long drive back.

You know, that door's kind of tricky. You gotta actually open it.

All right, Jackie, do you want me to stay and get a burger with you or something?

Michael, it's like you're a mind reader. Okay.

Wait. No, keep going. Guess what I want on my burger.

Lettuce, tomato and ketchup put on by a waiter born in America.

Eric, you're gonna love teaching in Africa.

I hear the women walk around with their hoo-hoos hanging out.

Dad.

So did you get your shots yet? Wait. What shots?

The vaccines to protect you against exotic diseases.

I had to get them when I was in the military.

You were in the National Guard.

What exotic diseases were you afraid you'd catch, scaredy-cat-eating-pie- in-a-Jacuzzi fever?

Hey, I'm proud of my service.

Somebody had to stay home and hose down those hippies.

You guys, I leave for Africa in two days.

How come no one told me about these shots?

Oh, goodness gracious, did I forget to give you that letter?

You know, when you get to be my age, sometimes you forget about things.

And sometimes you hide them in the rarely used Mexican soup section of this gigantic cookbook.

Mom, I need these shots.

Africa is very strict about these things, and they're not strict about anything.

I mean, the women walk around with their hoo-hoos hanging out.

Kitty, you have no right to stand in the way of someone's dreams.

And if you don't let Eric go to Africa, you'll crush my dream of getting rid of him.

Fine. Eric, I'll give you the shots.

A mother should support her son.

Just know the needles are big as sausages, and if I miss the mark by even a hair, your heart might explode.

But don't worry. It only hurts till you die.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Hey, Donna, look, there's something really important I need you to do for me.

Eric, I don't care if you're going to Africa. I'm not doing that.

Please don't let my mom plan this fancy send-off for me, okay?

I can just see her planning this embarrassing farewell with, like, music and banners and, like, doves.

Oh, man, it's good to be home.

Jackie was all depressed and crying

'cause she didn't have any friends in Chicago.

So I had to lighten the mood with some skee ball.

Jackie hates skee ball.

I didn't take Jackie.

Well, that explains why she's called me four times since she's been in Chicago.

Three of those were to say that she hates my outfit.

How does she know?

Eric? Jackie's on the phone. She wants to talk to you.

Jackie wants to talk to Forman? Yes.

Now pick up because she's been blabbering for 20 minutes.

And I never noticed it when she was living here, but she's not that interesting.

Hello? Hey, Eric? It's Jackie.

Uh-huh.

Look, I just realized you're about to leave for Africa, and I won't get a chance to say goodbye in person.

That makes me sad.

I mean, you've always been very special to me.

Okay, Jackie, if there's a gun to your head, say the word "cream cheese."

No, Eric, I'm just gonna miss you is all, okay?

So just take care of yourself in Africa.

Okay. I will.

Wait, you want to talk to who?

You want to tell him you love him?

Well, I don't know.

You guys didn't really leave on the best of terms.

Okay.

Dad, telephone!

I don't know Eric very well, but he seems like a heck of a nice guy.

Eric? Eric is good people. Is good people, yes.

I'll never forget. It was the hottest day of summer, and Hyde and Kelso dug a hole then covered it with leaves.

And they said, "Hey, Fez, wanna see a pile of dead leaves?"

So, naturally, I ran over.

What happened? I fell in and I couldn't get out.

And the sun was beating down. So hot. So hot.

Finally, Eric came over.

And you know what that magnificent boy did?

He poured soda all over me because that's what friends do.

And then the ants came.

Hey, guys.

Oh, Eric, about you leaving, I just want you to know that...

Oh, here comes the waterworks.

Hey, Hyde, man. Hey, man.

Listen, I wanted some tunes, so I need to find a record store.

Leo, you're in a record store. Whoa, that was fast, man.

So what are you doing here? I'm the boss, man, which is ironic, 'cause I'm also the least-motivated employee.

So if you have a whole record store, how come you've been kind of mopey lately, man?

I'm not mopey. I'm fine.

Well, where's that loud girl you're always hanging with?

Jackie? She's in Chicago.

Loud girl's in Chicago.

Hey, that's why you're sad, man. You love loud girl.

Maybe I do. You know what?

The only reason I'm admitting that is because you have no short-term memory.

You're gonna forget this conversation when it's over.

Hey, that's not true, man.

Hey, guess what I found out?

What, Leo? Loud girl's in Chicago.

Crap, it's almost time for me to go get my shots.

Yeah, why do I have to get shots anyway? So I get Yellow Fever.

I could use a little color.

You guys, this might be our last circle together.

We're growing up.

I mean, these two have jobs, and Eric is off to start his life, and I'm doing more shaving than ever.

Eric, I know you're scared of getting your shots.

So I'm gonna be a pal and get them with you, 'cause I owe you for that time that I chucked that dead raccoon at you, and then it turned out to not be dead.

And then it bit you, and then you kicked it back at me, and then it bit me, and then we both had to go and get rabies shots.

Remember, on the way to the hospital, Kelso saw that dog, and he jumped out of the car 'cause he wanted to go pet it, but he forgot the car was moving, and he broke his arm?

That was the funniest, bloodiest, most rabies-filled day ever.

Look at us.

Best friends offering to help each other.

You know, we always have to remember this moment.

What?

Upstairs, now.

I am in huge trouble.

I can't believe that is what you idiots have been doing in my basement all these years!

I wish I had 2,000 feet so I could put 500 of them in each of your asses!

I'm shocked.

The basement door closes and out come the lighters and the drugs.

And I am sure Donna's down there bouncing around without a bra.

It's like Amsterdam down there.

Did someone shove a vacuum up your nose and suck out your last, lonely brain cell?

What is going on in your head?

I am so disappointed in you boys.

And here I thought it was my dryer that made our clothes smell funny.

Who taught you how to do this?

Was it those damn Beatles?

All You Need Is Love.

All you need is a job and a haircut.

And you, wipe that stupid smirk off your dopey, dope-fiend face.

Do you know what drugs do to you?

They shrink your brain until one day you wake up, and you think you're Superman and you can fly, and then you wind up jumping off the roof in your underpants.

Oh, this idiot doesn't need drugs for that. He does that every Saturday.

Well, this is the worst thing that you have ever done!

Eric, I am gonna make you...

I am going to...

Well, I can't think of anything worse than sending you to Africa.

You're going to Africa.

Hey, Leo.

So, I decided that tomorrow, after I say goodbye to Forman, I'm gonna go to Chicago.

Hey, loud girl's in Chicago.

You should look her up.

Good idea.

Anyway, what I was thinking is, while I'm gone, you could run the record store.

It'd be fun, man, like the old days at The Fotohut.

You know, the film place you used to own?

Wait. Was it a little blue house in the middle of a parking lot with a drive-up window?

Exactly.

I don't remember that at all, man.

Okay, Michael, Eric, pull your pants down and lean over the table.

I'll go get those gigantic needles.

I just hope somebody remembered to bring them in out of the rain so they're not all rusty.

Hey, Donna, I'm gonna need you to help me pull my pants off.

Fine. Turn around.

Wedgie.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you say off? I thought you said up your butt.

I still liked it.

I can't believe you're leaving tomorrow. Yeah.

It's kind of weird spending our last moments together bent over a table with our naked butts in the air.

This is how I always hoped it'd be.

You know, I was gonna say that I'll miss you, but I'm not a nancy-boy.

You know, Kelso, there's something I want to say to you.

Son of a bitch!

Oh, that hurt like hell.

That was the alcohol swab.

Well, it was freezing.

Well, this is it.

Just have to make it past Mom's farewell ambush, and then off to Africa.

Actually, Eric, I wanted to talk to you first.

I don't know if you know this, but I've been looking forward to you getting out of the house for a long time.

Yeah. I believe your exact words were, "It will be more glorious than D-day."

Yeah. Well, you're my son, and I'm your father, so...

Here.

That's your pocketknife from Korea.

You said if I ever touched that, I'd meet the same fate as hundreds of other godless commies.

Well, I want you to take it to Africa with you.

Really?

Wow, Dad, that means a lot.

And, Son, I want you to know that I'm gonna miss you, and I love you, and have a good trip.

Wait a second. What did you just say?

I said have a good trip.

No, before that.

You heard me.

Wow, this feels like one of those moments when, you know, normal people would hug.

Thank you, Dad.

So, really, any last-minute advice? Yeah.

You lose that knife, don't come home.

Surprise.

It's just you?

Donna, this is the best surprise ever.

So, the Vista Cruiser, huh?

You know, this is where we had our first kiss.

I know. I remember.

Wow. Well, it's gotta last a really long time.

This is weird.

I mean, me leaving.

It's like it's real.

Yeah, but you're gonna be back before you know it, and then we're gonna have our whole lives to spend together.

Listen to me, Donna, I love you so much.

You know, you're my best friend. And I...

I love you.

And thank you for not letting my mom plan this, like, going-away surprise thing.

I love you, too, Eric.

And I'm sorry.

For what? For this. Okay, guys!

Surprise!

Mom.

You know, who am I kidding? I wanted this.

Oh, Eric.

Okay, Charlie, I'm gonna put you in charge of this.

If you ever wanna cheer Fez up, here's a little trick.

I got you. I got you. Who got you?

Who got you? You do, Eric.

Okay.

Here you go, Forman. A little going-away gift.

Thanks, man.

Hyde, this bag is empty.

Yeah, I heard about the stuff they have over in Africa.

Fill that bad boy up, send it back to me.

Honey, I'm sorry if I smothered you.

That's just what a mother does.

But I've accepted that you're leaving, and I'm ready to let you go.

Oh, Mom.

Mom, I'm really only allowed one carry-on, so...

Dad.

Come on, Kitty. Come on.

Eric, I'm not real good with words, so I thought I'd say goodbye the only way I know how.

Hit it, boys.


So long, Point Place.

Oh, for Pete's sake. Come on.

So long, Point Place.

Come in.

Hey. Steven!

What are you doing here?

Nothing. I had some free time, thought I'd check out Chicago.

How's it going? Good.

Hey, do you want to go take a walk, maybe get something to eat?

Jackie, I checked. No one can see us doing it from the parking lot.

You're dead.

I'm nude.