That '70s Show S7E5 Script

It's Only Rock and Roll (2004)

Doesn't anybody want to ask me how I'm feeling?

Well, of course. Eric, ask your mother how she's feeling.

How are you feeling, Mom? Unneeded, unnecessary and unloved.

Oh, you set me up.

Well, there's no one for me to take care of.

Steven's off with his dad, you're busy with your silly not-working projects, and we haven't heard from Laurie since she moved to Canada.

Where bottomless dancing is legal.

Cheer up, Kitty. You'll always have me to take care of.

Oh, the way you eat, you'll be dead long before me.

You're the one that puts bacon on everything.

I do not. Last week you put bacon on ham.

Fine! Everything's my fault.

Man, I can't wait to be married.

All right, fine. Look, we could talk all day, but I see one little fella that still needs your attention.

We still have Schatzi?

I thought he ran away.

No, he's been hiding underneath the house.

For a year?

Poor little fella, he's afraid of the garden hose.

Look, Mom, maybe you should stop worrying about everyone else so much and start thinking about yourself.

Maybe you should find something to enrich your life.

Oh, may I suggest the teachings of the Jedi?

And may I suggest the footing of your ass?

This is not the ass you're looking for.

See, now you don't know what to do.

You guys, yesterday at the salon, I gave a shampoo to Tina Simpson, and you know what? She has a lumpy head.

Oh, gross. I made out with her in the 10th grade.

If I had known she had a lumpy head, I would have felt around up there.

I mean it's gross, but you wanna feel it, right?

You guys, listen to this ad. "Do you like to draw?"

Well, I have been known to trace my hand and turn it into a turkey.

"If so, have your artistic ability evaluated

"by The Cartoon Academy of Fort Lauderdale."

Ooh, I think Picasso went there.

All I have to do is send in my drawing of Sanchez the Turtle and a money order for $19.95.

Twenty bucks to get judged by a panel of cartoon experts?

I'd pay twice that.

Steven, you cannot go to your first day at your dad's company dressed like that.

You're working there, not digging a ditch to there.

Jackie, he owns a chain of record stores.

This is the official uniform of rock 'n' roll.

I'm dressed to jam.

I agree with Jackie. You clean up so nice.

Let the world see what I see.

I'm sorry. I'm drawing Sanchez the Turtle, and I made a little bubble where he's saying, "What's the hurry, guys?"

Watch your back, Doonesbury.

All right. Steven, you know, I really think you...

Lay off, okay? I'm dressed fine.

Really? What's the job? Are they looking for an entry-level hobo?

Actually, I'm hoping to get to listen to the records and pick which ones the stores carry.

In which case, bye-bye, Andy Gibb.

What do you have against good-looking guys?

You know, we're just like you, except for much better-looking.

You know what you should do? Bring back swing music.

Hey, sue me. I like a song I can throw a lady around to.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Here's where you'll be working, son. Oh, it's pretty grim.

So, is this where we interrogate the political prisoners?

So, um, where's all the records at?

Right here. These papers are the sales records for all of our stores in the greater tri-county area.

These aren't the kind of papers I thought I'd be working with.

I thought they'd be smaller and wrapped around something illegal.

Look, I don't wanna bum you out, but we kind of have a dress code here.

You're dressed pretty casual.

Yeah, but this is silk. You couldn't pull it off.

Steven, I love your closet! Where's your office?

Did you follow me here? And you never even saw me.

See, the trick is, is to stay two cars behind and one to the left.

Oh, here, I brought you a very special lunch, and it's wrapped in a suit and tie!

Wear it.

A suit? See, she has the right idea.

Well, I told him to dress nicer. But he's poor, and that's your fault.

Steven, we're gonna be evaluating store profits from last quarter.

So your job is to go through these records and to underline every instance of the word "credit."

That's what I'm gonna be doing my whole first day?

First day? Ha! It'll take you a week.

But if you get bored, do what I do. Play golf.

I don't play golf. Good, you can't leave anyway.

What exactly are they doing? I'm not sure.

I think it's like a karate that kills you with jiggle.

And that's how you do tai chi. Are you boys ready to try?

No, I think we need to watch you two do it a little bit more.

They're not trying to learn, Mom.

Otherwise, they wouldn't have brought lawn chairs and Fudgsicles.

Kelso, I thought you were gonna start respecting women now that you have a daughter.

I am, but you two are grandfathered in.

I really don't see what the big deal is, Bob.

We brought this tray over to you full of cookies.

You should have brought it back full of cookies. That's all I'm saying.

What are you two doing? It's tai chi.

It's an ancient form of exercise and meditation.

It originated in the Far East, in a place called Los Angeles.

It seems really interesting. Can I try?


I'd stay out here and try it with you, but I'd rather go inside and eat.

So the key is to relax and find your inner peace.

Seems a little exotic.

But if this tai chi is half as good as a mai tai, I'm sure I'm gonna love it.

You're the new guy, huh? I'm Dennis.

I'm Hyde.

Mondays, huh?

I guess.

Hey, you picked a good week to start. We just got a new copy machine.

It's already broken.

I'm really unhappy.

Okay. Donna was right. I do need to start respecting women.

So I decided to donate my entire Playboy collection to the needy.

Here you go, Fez.

You're giving Fez a box full of nudie magazines?

It's like giving a monkey a loaded gun.

No, it's not.

A monkey with a loaded gun can hurt a lot of people.

I can only hurt myself.

But a monkey with a loaded gun would be an awesome TV show.

Everybody would be like, "Oh, don't worry. It's just a monkey."

And then, bam!

Thanks for taking me to get my tai chi supplies.

What was that wonderful store called again?

Point Place Meditation Supply and Dried Fruit Depot.

Well, that is so clever.

Really? Wow, your clever threshold is really low.

This colors a lot of the compliments that you've given me.

I just love my new buddy.

You know, I think it's called a Buddha.

No, that is not even a word.

Next, you'll tell me butter is called booder.

What's going on back here?

Hey, look. You got a thing of me!

I am making this space my tai chi area.

So, you're going to be out here, and I'll be in there alone?

I love tai chi.

Eric, I got a job for you.

Go grab some cement and secure that Bob statue.

Okay, if that's a job, then how much does that pay?

It pays my foot not going in your ass.

So it's on credit, then. Good.

Hey, Donna, look! Ho, ho, ho!

I can't tell you how good it makes me feel to look in here and see my own son.

How's it going?

Well, I'm kind of glad there's not a window in here.

I probably would have jumped out of it.

Ah, you kids with your suicide jokes.

Finally finished.

Bad news, Hyde.

Sales decided it would be more efficient to Wite-Out the credits and underline the debits instead.

But... But...

But I underlined credits.

If you're interested, I have some stuff that can help you get through the day.

Oh, I'm interested. Cool.

Wait, what are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?


Get out of my office!

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life."


And finished.

Eric, this looks nothing like me.

Oh, I wasn't drawing you. I just wanted you to shut up for a little while.

Steven! How was your first day at work?

Damn, Jackie. Can't I sit down and have a beer before you start in on me?

Sorry. It's the store in Skokie, the numbers just don't add up.

Hey, have you guys seen Fez?

He was supposed to meet me at The Hub, like, an hour ago.

Where's the last place you saw him?

Uh, down in the basement with a box full of Playboys.

Oh, my God. I'll get the first-aid kit.

We're too late.

He suffered a massive horny attack.

We're gonna need some Gatorade and a couple of ice packs.

Back off! They're mine! They're all mine!

Fez, we're here to help you.

All right, you need to stop, 'cause people gotta sit on this couch.

Okay, I say we put him and the couch out on the curb.

No. Look, Fez.

There's a reason that these magazines only come once a month.

You have to pace yourself.

Do something else besides look at pornography.

What kind of a life is that?

By the way, any plans you had with me, they're now off.

Until further notice.

I'm having trouble concentrating.

Me, too. That dog is loud.

What dog?

Please stop barking, Schatzi. Mommy's doing her tai chi.

Not very considerate to bark during Mommy's quiet time, Schatzi.

Shut your freaking trap!

This is so soothing.

So, Steven, your first day at work.

I don't know how much longer I'm gonna be working there.

I was getting a cup of coffee today, this guy walks up to me and says, "Working hard or hardly working?"

I threw my powdered milk at him.

See, that's what I'm looking forward to about being an artist.

Loving my job.

And don't get me wrong, it can be torture waiting for inspiration to strike.

But it's nice, because that gives me time to go bowling.

Did you secure that statue of Bob yet?

I didn't.

But I could give you an artist's rendering of what that might look like.

You're gonna end up selling women's shoes.

I don't know if I can hack it, working in an office.

My tolerance for following directions is really low.

Which is ironic, because your tolerance for other things is really high.

Steven, everybody goes through the same thing.

But the misery that you feel now will eventually be broken up by stretches of time where you will feel that you're happy.

Of course, you're not happy.

You're just too numb from your hellish life to feel the pain.

How was your day, Red?

Pretty good, actually.

Hey, WB, got a sec?

Steven, I heard what happened yesterday.

Perhaps I should have been more clear about our milk-throwing policy.

Look, man, I don't think I can work here anymore.

Well, why not?

I just... I don't belong here.

Dennis? Tuesdays, huh?

Get outta here!

Look, I can't let you quit on me.

You don't know me that well. I've quit on a lot of people.

No, I mean, I won't let you quit.

You could have a really great future, but you need somebody to help you get started.

I wasn't there for you when you were growing up, so I wanna do this.

Yeah, but a job?

Can't you just, like, buy me a stereo?

You're the boss' son. You really don't have to work that hard.

All right. I'll give it a week.

But what am I supposed to do with all those sales reports?

Just give them to Dennis. That's what I do.

Fez, are you okay?

I haven't seen you look this awful since you found out Candy Land's not a real country.

It's the bunnies, man.

I haven't slept in a week.

It's only been one day.

Fez, why would you do this to yourself?

'Cause he can't get anybody else to do it for him.

I don't have the willpower to keep these magazines, Kelso.

I'm just a boy.

Well, I'd take them off your hands, but...

I don't wanna actually touch your hands.

Okay, buddy. I think you're better off.

Just hand the magazines over to me.

All right.

Fez, you're not letting go.

Oh, sorry.

You're still holding on.

Look, a robot!

Man, you fall for that every time.

Yeah? Well, one day, there's gonna be a robot.

And all you suckers are gonna miss it.

Red, why are you out here?

I thought you were so excited to have the house to yourself.

I got lonely.

I don't believe it. They think I have, "No artistic talent."

You know, I'm beginning to suspect that The Cartoon Academy of Fort Lauderdale isn't that legitimate.

Okay, all right.

Schatzi, it's time for you to have some quiet time behind the wall.

Well, I guess it's back to hand turkeys for me.

I don't know what that means, but don't do it around here.


You know, that statue was supposed to bring you peace.

And in a way, it did.

Loving my job now, man.

Being the boss' son means never having to say, "You'll have it by the end of the day."

Guys, Fez is really overdoing it with the Playboys.

And this isn't like the time he ate a case of Mars bars, either.

They can't pump your stomach for porn.

I'm not so much worried about Fez as I am Schatzi.

He goes on the attack every time he sees that Buddha statue.

And, weirdly, Bob.