That '70s Show S7E6 Script

Rip This Joint (2004)

Hi, honey, welcome home from work.

Oh, God, I love saying that.

It's so much better than saying, "Welcome home from loitering at the head shop."

Oh, my God, Hyde, five seconds have gone by and you haven't ripped off your tie, or as you refer to it, "the yoke of oppression."

I forgot I was wearing it.

Would you look at that?

The dancing bear has become accustomed to his cage.

Why would you put a dancing bear in a cage?

He's entertaining you, give him some room.

No, Fez, what she's saying is that Hyde is becoming a money-grubbing corporate zombie.

Did you hear that, Steven? We're gonna be rich.

No, we're not, Jackie.

I hate the Man. I'm still dedicated to kicking his ass.

I'm just doing it from the inside, where I get a pension and dental and stuff.

Oh, don't worry, honey. You're still a rebel.

Give me two years, I'll have him speaking French and writing thank you notes.

Hyde's growing up so fast.

Seems like just yesterday we were swiping Playboys, trenching Old Man Shinsky's yard, and cutting the brakes on Fat Marvin's bike.

I don't remember trenching Old Man Shinsky's yard.

Oh, that's 'cause you didn't approve.

I think your exact words were, "That guy's worked hard on his yard."

What's wrong with me?

I don't want to wake up in 20 years and realize that I haven't harassed enough grouchy, old men.

And I don't want to wake up in 20 years and realize this was all a dream.

Wouldn't that be weird?

If none of this was real.

Okay, now I'm starting to freak out a little.

You know what? I'm gonna trench a yard.

Just, not if it's one of those pranks that involves heights or touching bugs.

I'm not... I... No, I won't touch a bug.

No, you just park your car on someone's yard, and then you step on the gas, throw it in drive and tear up the lawn.

Then you go get fries and talk about how awesome it was.

You know what, you guys? I'm gonna trench Old Man Shinsky's yard.

In fact, I'm gonna trench that yard like no yard has been trenched in the history of yard trenching.

Are you with me?

Yeah. Whatever.

I said, are you with me?

Yeah. Whatever.

Yeah! That's what I like to hear.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

What are those for?

Oh, no. What did you do?

Why did you have to wear something so revealing?

It's just a friendly party, for Pete's sake.

This party's not for Pete, it's for Kitty, dummy.

They've been arguing all the time lately.

Last night, they did two hours on, "I know you are, but what am I?"

Did someone say "party"?

There's no party. Right, Kitty?

Yes, there is a party, Red.

Didn't you wonder why I bought all that liquor?

Honestly, no.

Hey, thanks for inviting us to your party, Mrs. Forman.

We can't stay, though, 'cause Eric's gonna trench...

A coat.

A trench coat.

Kitty, how could you have a party without telling me?

Maybe it's because every time she tells you, you go through five stages, anger, fury, rage, super rage, and finally, cursing God for bringing you into this world.

I've been there.

Why did you do it?

So, what's the occasion, Kitty?

According to Cosmo's latest quiz, I have medium to low self-esteem.

So the article suggested that I should throw a party in celebration of me.

I've done that. I've done that.

You have, too? Isn't it fun?

Yeah. I know.

Okay, guys, I've been thinking about this trenching thing, and it's a little boring, but I think I figured out a way to Formanize it.

You mean make it more boring?

No, I don't.

I mean, I'm gonna get out of the car, moon Old Man Shinsky and then trench the yard.

That's right, you've all now been witness to the invention of the moon and trench.

I don't know, Eric. It seems risky.

I mean, you're not fast, you're uncoordinated and you're easily tripped.

I mean, if you get out of the car, you're a dead man.

No, no, no. Not with me backing him up as his first lieutenant.

Oh, um, actually, you're not my first lieutenant.

Donna's my first lieutenant.

I went from fiancee to first lieutenant?

What a year!

How could you pick a girl over me?

Kelso, remember when we put eggs in Sister Mary Catherine's mail slot, and you were the getaway driver?

And when we needed to get away, you had left to get ice cream.

I was the getaway driver and I got away.

Man, you got Forman, Kelso, an old man and a naked butt.

This could go the kind of wrong people write books about.

I can't believe I'm not going.

That's right.

See, Steven decided he'd rather hang out with his father at Kitty's grown-up cocktail party.

"I'm Hyde. I'm going to a cocktail party."

"I'm Hyde. I'm going to a party with cocktails."

What the hell are you guys doing?

I don't know but it's funny.

Kitty, who are all these people?

Well, they're my friends.

I never introduced you because I know you don't care.


Hey, WB, come on in.

Hey, Steven, I thought I had the wrong night.

You white folks throw a really quiet party.

Yeah, wait till they bring out the onion dip, all hell breaks loose.

Hey, I want you guys to meet my dad. This is William Barnett.

He owns a chain of record stores.

He's rich.

Jackie, I don't know if I'd say...

Ah, what the hell, yeah, I am.

And, WB, this is Bob, who's also done some work in retail, and Midge, who's also been to some stores.

It's true.

Steven, you didn't tell me your father was so handsome.

Hey, what about me?

Well, you didn't tell me either.

Okay. Hello, hello.

Let's kick off Kitty Fest with a little game.

How about Hide and Go to Sleep?

When I blow this whistle, pair up with someone and tell an anecdote about me.

When I blow it again, pair up with someone else.

And the person who tells the cutest story will get a special mention in my Christmas newsletter.

That's a prize?

Now, since there are an odd number of people here, I'm afraid one unlucky person is going to get left out of the fun.

I'll fall on that grenade. Good night, everybody.

Okay, you guys, let's see if I have everything I need for the moon and trench.

Car, check. Lawn, check.

Creamy white butt, check.

Eric, wait.

If you moon Old Man Shinsky, you're not gonna have time to pull up your pants.

And you can't run back to the car with them around your ankles.

You think I shouldn't do it? No, hell, no.

I think you should do it pantsless.

Eric, he's right.

I mean you can barely run with your pants on.

The pants come off.

Oh, great. Everybody's on board when Eric wants to take his pants off, but when I do, we have to leave the restaurant.

It's go time.

What's going on here?

That's my butt!


Lock, Donna!

Now for the trench.

What's going on? We're not moving.

Oh, man, you dropped your transmission.

In English, Donna. In English.

Your car, no go.

I'm calling the police!

But wait, I am the police. They can't catch me here, we gotta go.

I gotta stay with the car.

We don't.

Man, Donna, what are we gonna do?

I love you, Eric. What? No. No, don't leave me.

Oh, Kelso, buddy, thanks. I knew you'd come back.

Oh, I'm not really back.

Since you didn't make me first lieutenant, I'm just here to say, "I got his pants!"

You're right, Phyllis, I am a talented mimic.

"Hi, I'm Johnny Carson and I'm on TV."

Uh-oh, time to switch.

Well, it's you and me. This should be fun.


you take out the trash?

No. I gotta do that then.

Oh, this is terrible. Have we run out of things to talk about?

Oh, no, no. Let me see.

I saw a squirrel in the yard today.

I love that squirrel. I've been feeding him peanuts.

Well, that explains why he took the poison right out of my hand.

Jackie, I don't know what's going on with me.

I just got paired up with this bookkeeping guy who told me a story about accounts receivable.

Not only did I know what he was talking about, I suggested he make a flowchart.

Oh, my God, you are so sexy right now.

Say "flowchart" again.

Kitty? Kitty?

That was the third whistle, and Midge and WB still haven't switched.

Look at her laughing at him. He's not even funny.

I haven't once heard him say, "Knock, knock."

Okay, wait, I have a good one. Knock, knock.

Damn it.

I'm not gonna stand for you throwing yourself at every guy you meet.

Midge, we're going home.

Until you're ready to trust me, I'm not going anywhere.

In fact, I'm leaving.

Where are you going? To lock myself in your bathroom.

What's wrong with your bathroom?

I can't go there, there's too many painful memories of sexy showers with Bob.

See, I told you people do that.

Look, man, please don't call my dad.

If he hears about this, he's gonna kill me.

I don't mean figuratively, he would literally kill me with his bare hands.

He will kill me like he has killed oh-so-many squirrels.

Settle down. You're 18. I'm not gonna call your dad.

I want my daddy.


They said I could visit you for 10 minutes.

It's good to see a friendly face. Jail's no place for me, Donna.

I'm too pretty.

Eric, you're gonna be fine.

Plus, I brought something that you really need.

Tell me it's pants.


Crap, I knew I forgot something.

But how do Milk Duds sound?

Kind of like they won't cover the lower half of my body.

All right. Visiting hours are over.

Fine, he's cranky anyway.

All right, Kelso, awesome. Get me out of here.

Shut up, punk.

You know, around here we have a saying.

Is it, "Everyone down, Kelso's got a gun"?

No. It's, "Kelso gets to be first lieutenant."

But now, sir, you are a criminal, and you will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of my imagination.

Midge, please come out so you can talk to Bob.

I can't do that, Kitty.

You mean you don't know how?

The lock is on the doorknob.

No, I mean I'm not coming out.

But thank you, I see it now.

I wanna go to sleep. Me, too.

Well, I wanted one night that was just about me, and now everything's about Midge.

It's not enough that she's got legs up to here and the you-know-whats out to you-know-where.

Now she's gotta upstage me on my big night.

Well, you just get over yourself, lady.

You know, I never thought I'd be saying this, but how's about you and me get a motel room?

I'd like that.

Okay, I'm starting to shake off this whole flowchart thing.

Can't even remember what a flowchart is.

Can't even remember what I just said.

Hey, which one of you jerks put this tie on me?

Steven, focus, you're a businessman.

You love work and money and me.

Hold on to that.

Oh, you know what? You're gonna forget. I'll write it down.

Oh, you guys missed a glorious trenching.

Eric's tiny butt gleaming in the moonlight, shining brighter than the brightest star.

It was like a Disney movie.

Yeah. Eric's rear end is white.

Sometimes I can't even tell if he's wearing underwear.

Tonight, in that jail cell, he's gonna glow like a little lightning bug.

Forman's in jail and I spent my entire night at a cocktail party?

I gotta go break some laws or I'm never gonna forgive myself.

Hey, which one of you jerks put this tie on me?

I know what you're thinking, punk.

Is that gun real or fake?

Well, the gun is green, but it's also plastic so it's anyone's guess.

Well, then you have to ask yourself one question, punk.

"Do I like being squirted with grape juice?"

Well, do you? Okay. Quit it, quit it.

You're gonna be all sticky. Thank you.

Okay, Mr. Shinsky, once you've identified the culprit you can file a formal complaint.

That's him. I'd recognize that creamy-ass moron anywhere.

Oh, yeah, he was there, too.

What me? No, no. No, no, no.

I was undercover, infiltrating the underworld trenching world.

And it goes a lot deeper than you might think.

The whole middle school might be involved.


In you go, Kelso.

Come on, you're putting me in jail?

Maybe a few hours in the can will give you a new respect for the law.

But that's the thing, it won't.

I hope Midge isn't going through my medicine cabinet.

I've got some pills in there and they are not for amateurs.

What's going on?

Your loony mother has locked herself in my bathroom.

I'll handle this.

Mom, the lock is on the doorknob.

That's it, Midge.

Come out now or I'm kicking down the door.

If you kick down that door, you're gonna have to put it back up.

You take the fun out of everything, Red.

Mom, if you won't come out, will you at least let Dad come in there?

How could you think I was flirting with another man?

Maybe I overreacted, you're a beautiful woman.

So are you, Bob.

What the hell are they doing in there?

All right, sorry about tonight.

It just really hurt my feelings when you didn't make me first lieutenant on the Shinsky job.

I'm sorry, too.

I guess I never realized how seriously you take imaginary ranks assigned by your friends.

Well, now you know.

Well, after a long night of hashing things out, we all decided that my parents are better off apart.

So we took my mom to the airport this morning.

She headed back to California?

I hope so.

I taped the ticket to her purse.

You're coming home in your underwear again?

I'm gonna paint some damn pants on you.

Okay, but in my defense, this time I took off my pants by choice.

I don't know where we went wrong with you.

We take you to church, we try to raise you to be a decent human being, and yet you turn out to be a bottomless deviant.

Okay, Red, the shower's running.

You promised.

Stick my eggs in the oven. I'll be back in five minutes.

Freeze, punk face!


What are you in for?

Let's just say Old Man Shinsky's yard has been professionally trenched.

Did the rose bushes, too. It's sort of my calling card.

This feels good.

This feels right.