That '70s Show S7E7 Script

Mother's Little Helper (2004)

Eric.

I found this in the garage and I want an explanation.

Okay, when people write stories and glue the pages together, it forms what we call a book.

I don't want The Joy of Sex polluting my house.

The Joy of Sex. What a load of crap.

That book's for perverts, Red.

You should give it to me so I can sell it to Fez.

Red, the book is mine.

I put it in the garage so you would find it.

Uh-oh. I'm late for work.

No, no, no. I am serious.

It's high time you and I put some zip back in the bedroom.

Eww!

I got a great idea.

We'll put a TV in the bedroom, there's your zip.

Okay, I want the full Fez treatment.

A wash, cream rinse, and a lot of that wiggly stuff you do with your fingers.

It's magical.

Abracadabra, baby.

So, Danielle, what's on your schedule today?

I mean, besides looking beautiful.

Well, looking beautiful is from 10:00 to 12:00, then I have a date.

Ooh, hot date alert.

Tsss!

It's not that hot.

The guy's kind of a knucklehead.

I mean, he's really cute, but it's like when I talk, he's not paying attention to me.

Ugh!

I hear this complaint 20 times a day.

You're a treasure.

He should worship you like a big stone head.

You're so great. You know, you really get women.

Well, if you mean "get" as in "understand," then yes, I get them.

But if you mean "get" as in "get," then, no, never.

If I had a woman like you, I would give her anything her heart desired.

Maybe I should blow off my date and go out with a guy like you.

And when I say "a guy like you," I mean you, specifically.

Wow.

But just to be clear, I still have a tip coming, right?

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Steven.

Steven, would you please stop doing that?

You're gonna get all Eric-y.

Give.

Jackie, boys have to play fight because they secretly wanna touch each other.

Yeah, you guys wish you could play fight.

But girls can't, 'cause it always turns into a real fight.

Are you seriously telling me that if Jackie and I wanted to play fight, we couldn't?

Um, let me listen for the echo of what I just said.

"Girls can't play fight..." Yep, that's what I think.

I agree. Girls are bitches.

Really?

Come on, Jackie, put your dukes up. Okay.

Watch and learn, boys.

See? It's all fun and games.

Ow, you scratched me! Aah!

Get off of me, Bigfoot!

Let go of my hair or I'll pound your tiny ass!

Spoilsport.

Hey, yours was gonna kill mine.

Ladies, that was pathetic.

What? That wasn't even real. We're fine. Yeah.

I don't know what you're talking about. I had fun.

Oh, you're so immature!

You guys aren't going to believe this!

Wait. Were two hot girls just fighting in here?

No.

Someone is lying.

Anyway.

I was just shampooing this foxy girl, Danielle, and the next thing I know, we're making out in the shampoo closet.

Wait a second.

You're trying to tell me that you were shampooing a girl and she got so horny, she had to make out with you in the shampoo closet?

That doesn't sound real, man. That sounds like a Mad Lib.

Yeah, are you sure you weren't just kissing a mop?

'Cause, man, I've seen you do that.

No, no.

Danielle kept going on and on about this adorable knucklehead she was dating, and I just sympathized with her problems.

Well, that makes sense.

I mean, all a woman really wants is a man who listens.

I listen.

And doesn't pat himself on the back.

I never pat myself on the back.

So, yeah, I got that going for me.

You guys, something happened today that has never happened to me before.

Oh, you did long division?

No, I got stood up.

I was supposed to meet this girl, Danielle, after her haircut and she never showed.

Danielle. Danielle?

Okay, wait a second. First a girl fight and now this?

I vote, "Best Day Ever."

Kelso was the adorable knucklehead.

Hey, thanks, Fez, but I'm trying to tell a story here.

Okay, so I've been trying to figure out why she didn't show, and I've come to the only logical conclusion, she's dead.

Kelso, maybe Danielle met a guy that she likes better than you.

Don't be crazy, Fez.

Danielle is dead and we can never bring her back.

Kitty, we don't need The Joy of Sex.

Well, why not? It's not dirty.

This book, it doesn't even have photographs, just sketches.

But they're so detailed.

They draw in every single part, and it's not to scale.

Oh, here's a fun idea.

Okay.

Instead of throwing away our old dish towels, we can use them as blindfolds and play a sexy bedroom version of Marco Polo.

Oh, come on. Don't you want to be one of those fun, older couples?

Kitty, I want us to grow old and withdraw into ourselves.

Hey, what's for lunch?

Well, I was thinking of making something, but that would mean I would have to look at a cookbook, and I don't like to learn new things from books.

Yeah, so is lunch off, or...

I mean, what's the lay of the lunch land, here?

I don't see why I have to read a book on bodily functions.

I've never read a book on eating, yet I'm extremely well fed.

But I'm not. Could I get, like...

Seriously, like a sandwich or...

Well, you know what?

Nobody is eating unless you give this book a try.

Until then, I quit cooking.

Wow, I can't believe I'm asking you this, but please have kinky sex with my mother.

No, Danielle, I love your outfit, but I just think you can always go tighter.

Oh, my God, Danielle, you're alive!

Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

Well, then if you're not dead, then why did you blow off our date?

Look at him try and put it together.

Oh, he's got it now.

No, wait, he doesn't.

Yeah, now... Wow, not yet. Wow.

This is, like, the slowest burn ever.

This is like how burns were in the 1800s before we had electricity.

Danielle stood you up so she could make out with the adorable new man in her life.

Ah, me.

That's right. Ah, him.

Don't bump me.

Don't get in my way.

Well, maybe I wouldn't be in your way if you could sit still like a normal person instead of a vibrating spazoid.

Really. Well, guess what?

You fight like a poor girl.

Get off of me!

Let go of my hair or I'll pound you.

This ain't over, squatty!

Get off. I'm going.

Hey, if they're going to keep this up, we should invest in a video camera.

All right, Fez. Stand up so I can kick your ass.

How dare you steal a girl out from under me?

First of all, I can do whatever I want.

Second of all, when I saw her, she was not under you.

She was under moi.

That's it. Whoa, whoa! Guys, listen!

I just realized I am not strong enough to hold you two apart.

Hyde, come on!

Kelso.

Maybe you shouldn't be asking what he did, you should be asking what you did to let it happen.

Or what you didn't do.

You know, maybe you just lost your mojo.

Look, a guy can't just lose his mojo, okay?

Can he?

Well, when was the last time you made out with two girls at once?

Well, that was...

Oh, no.

I can't remember.

Kissed four different girls in the same day?

I don't know!

You guys, I might have lost my mojo.

And I got it. I got your mojo.

Which reminds me, I also have your yo-yo, so...

You know what? I want them both back.

Now, how can I lose a girl to you?

You don't even speak English.

Well, Kelso, look at the bright side.

Danielle is a wonderful girl who likes me better than you.

Why is that the bright side?

Because... j& Burn! j&

These are stale.

Well, eat slow. We gotta make them last.

Hey, Red.

Eric told me you and Kitty are having a little trouble in the old hee-hoo department.

You told Bob?

Are you out of your puny mind?

Look, you have to work this stuff out with Mom.

She hasn't fed us in three days.

Dad, I can't afford not to eat.

Yesterday, I ate a raisin off the floor.

I'm not even sure if it was really a raisin.

Look, Red.

You should take Kitty's request for a love life spice up seriously.

When Midge wanted to turbo-charge our love life, it was really a symptom of a much deeper marital problem.

Yeah, that you were deviants.

Deviants?

Well, the couple we were dating sure didn't seem to think so.

I'm telling you, this problem is not just about sex.

It isn't?

Well, maybe she's just unhappy emotionally.

Wouldn't that be wonderful?

No, Red. It means you have a problem, and you have to deal with it.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, I guess it's important that Kitty get listened to.

Eric, go listen to your mother.

Why me?

Because without food, you'll die first.

So, Danielle, tell me again how much more you like me than Kelso.

Well, you're sensitive and thoughtful and understanding and very, very sexy.

Lady, don't ever stop talking.

And you're funny and sweet.

And did I mention? Very, very sexy.

Lady, you gotta shut up.

So, Mom, in the interest of returning regular meal service to my now shattered life,

I'm here to help.

So just tell me the problem beneath the dirty, gross problem.

Honey, there is none.

I just want your father and me to have more adventurous sexual intercourse.

Well, this is one of those times I'm kind of happy my stomach's empty.

Um, look, instead of calling it, uh, sexual inter...

Instead of calling it that, why don't we call it, like, a walk in the park?

Fine. I want your father and I to have more adventurous walks in the park.

I want to walk in the park in the kitchen.

Walk in the park on a Tuesday.

I even want to walk in the park in the park.

Okay, okay, okay. Okay.

Okay, Mom. I think you're playing this all wrong.

Dad wants you to have a deeper emotional issue.

Invent one.

He'll give you anything you want to avoid talking about walks in the park.

So think big. You know, I might be able to get you diamonds here.

Maybe even a new car.

This is like emotional Price is Right, baby.

You're in the Showcase.

Oh, I also want to walk in the park during The Price is Right.

Oh, God.

Well, what's the news?

You better start studying.

Ugh!

All right.

So I spent the whole day thinking about what happened with Danielle.

And I realized that I shouldn't be mad at you.

I should be asking you for help.

Holy crap, man. Now you're asking Fez for girl advice?

Next thing you know, Donna's gonna be asking Forman how to throw a ball.

Look, he's the one with the girl.

All right, Fez. So where did I go wrong?

Well, Danielle said you were a bad listener and I'm a good listener. I heard her.

But so what? I hurt girls all the time.

No, not "hurt." "Heard." I heard.

You heard what?

Danielle! I heard Danielle!

Well, why'd she choose you over me?

Jeez, it's like talking to a two-year-old, here.

She chose Fez because he listens when a woman talks instead of staring at her chest.

Stop staring at my chest!

I'm sorry, look, I've been screwed by Darwinism.

I never needed to evolve listening skills, 'cause my looks are so highly developed.

Oh, that's not how evolution works.

Yeah, sure it is.

Look, say I had to catch my own food, right, but I only ate really fast animals?

My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.

Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.

All right, Fez. Come on, I need your help.

Why should I help you?

Because you owe me.

Think about all the times that I set you up with my dates' less-pretty friends.

That's true. You have thrown me some uggos.

All right, so show a little appreciation.

Fine.

But you have to promise not to use what I teach you on Danielle to get her back.

She's mine. Done.

Okay, Donna. I need your help.

Now sit here and pretend to be a girl.

Now tell a girly story.

Kelso, you listen and repeat back whatever she says.

Okay, ready? Yeah.

Kelso, I had the worst day.

I didn't know what shoes to wear. With a heel, without a heel...

I'm running out of firecrackers.

I bet I could have been best friends with Spider-Man.

Is that a new muscle?

Well, hello, new muscle. Welcome to Kelso-town.

Kelso.

Kelso!

What? You weren't even listening.

How do you know?

'Cause you were staring at the ceiling with your tongue hanging out.

Kelso, when a woman talks, you have to look her in the eyes and pretend her words are like oxygen and without them, you can't breathe.

But I don't care what she says.

How the heck did you ever get a girl?

I don't know. I just stare at her until she stops talking and then I kiss her.

Unbelievable.

All right, Kitty.

I want you to be happy. I really do.

And to make that beautiful, elusive dream come true, I'm willing to try page 46.

Really?

Oh, Red, thank you.

Oh.

Page 46. That is so fancy.

What?

Oh, dear God, no. Not...

Not page 46. I meant page 47.

Page 47.

And no funny stuff after I fall asleep.

And I didn't know what to do because I had just polished my nails and I didn't want to mess up my manicure.

You're such a good listener. I can't take it anymore.

What are you doing? Get off my lady!

Fez! You shut your hot little mouth.

You promised you wouldn't use anything I taught you on Danielle.

Come on, you can't give me a gun and expect me not to shoot people with it.

Danielle, you have to choose. Him or me?

But I... I said choose, woman.

Well, Fez, if I have to choose between the two of you, I mean, the choice is obvious.

I choose you, Fez.

What, are you stupid?

I mean, of course, yes, good choice, yeah.

What, him? How can you choose him?

I don't know. I guess I have this thing for guys who boss me around.

I'll meet you in the car, or wherever you tell me to meet you.

Oh, you'll meet me in the car, and you'll like it.

I will.

Okay, here's the thing, Fez.

She's clearly a lunatic.

Which means that she's going to be super hot in bed, so congratulations on that one.

But you did snake her from me, so I get a free punch.

But you did snake her back, so...

Oh!

How do guys play fight without getting into a real fight?

Well, maybe 'cause when they fight, Michael doesn't elbow everything like a blonde tard-o.

See, now that is gonna get your ass kicked.

Oh, I'm gonna punch you in your fat melon head.

Good luck reaching it, tiny loser.

Thanks, Tommy!

Is that bacon I smell?

Oh, what a perfect morning.

Marco! Polo!

Oh, my God!