That '70s Show S8E1 Script

Bohemian Rhapsody (2005)

Previously on That '70s Show.

Whoa. You're gonna take a job and move to Chicago?

Well, I'm willing to give it all up and stay here with you.

But if I do that, I need to know we're gonna get married.

Well, I don't know what to say right now.

She took the job in Chicago and she left this morning.

Jackie, I checked. No one can see us doing it from the parking lot.

You're dead.

I'm nude!

Mrs. Forman, what a great idea, making a tape to send to Eric in Africa!

Oh, please, I am full of great ideas!

When he went to camp, I sent him a huge card with my face on it that says, "Mommy loves you."

Well, it made him miss me so much he begged to come home the very next day.

Ah, yes, the summer of 1,000 wedgies.

Eric is going to be so excited to hear some familiar voices.

Oh! I do Porky Pig.

That is all, people!

Is Hyde here?

No, Michael, you're safe.

We still haven't heard from Steven since he left Chicago a month ago.

I don't even know what I'm doing here.

Hyde could show up any minute and kick my ass.

I really need a soda 'cause I just ate a whole bunch of salt.

Why is it so good?

I don't know. Why don't you ask Hyde? He is right behind you.

That's not even funny!

Okay, then, let's start the tape.

Hi, Eric, it's your mother. I'm here with Donna and Fez.

Hi, honey! Thank you for the postcard with the monkeys.

I'm still bananas about you, too!

Okay, let's see, where to start? Well, your father and I were furious when we caught you boys in that smoky basement.

The minute you left for the airport, we went down there to do what the Feds call "a sweep."

How dare you boys smoke up my house when you know how hard I work to keep it smelling lemony fresh!

You morons just hung vacancy signs on your asses, and my foot's looking for a room!

Here it is! Found it.

Two bags?

I've never seen those before in my life!

Your son has a real problem!

Kitty, I want you to take this garbage and flush it down the toilet!

I am just glad that we caught you boys before this became an everyday thing!

Is that all of it?

Yes, sir, that's all of it.

Now there is nothing left for us to do but to smoke Candy Land.

I mean, I mean, play Candysmoke.

I mean... Ay, no!

And so I flushed it all down the toilet and everyone learned a lesson.

Why don't you tell Eric what else happened?

Oh, let me, let me! Give me that! I'll tell him.

Kitty! I found another one! Kitty?

What the hell?

What do you have to say for yourself?

I'm starving!

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

I still can't believe Red caught you in the bathroom with the guys' stash.

Someone is getting a tie-dyed apron for their birthday!

No, I just... I wanted to see what all the hubbub was about.

I mean, I was skeptical about Tupperware, and that was life-changing!

Anyway, Eric, I suffered the consequences, your father gave me a very stern talking-to.

Kitty, when we got married, we took a vow to be together through sickness and in health.

But nobody said anything about what to do if your wife turns into a dope fiend!

You're a nurse, for God's sake! You know this stuff is bad news!

Bad news isn't the half of it!

Here are the facts. When the smoke hits the brain, the cells start dying.

This process causes impaired judgment and hallucinations and a lot of other wonderful things.

Is it Eric going away? Is that why you used this stuff?

Kitty, if you were feeling blue, you didn't have to turn to drugs!

I would have made you a martini!

What's so damn funny?

Is it the big head thing?

I hardly felt a thing.

You ate a whole box of uncooked spaghetti.

I needed something crunchy.

Anyway, Eric, the day you left, Steven went to Chicago to see Jackie.

When he got there, he walked in on Jackie and Kelso, who were about to...

Get busy.

Have sex. j& Do it! j&

Kelso told us the whole story when he got back the next day.

No, hardly anything happened, okay.

Jackie asked me to stay 'cause she was lonely and the next thing you know, I'm naked.

And then Hyde shows up and kicks me out the door and so I had to drive all the way back here in this dress that I found.

All the truckers were flashing their lights and honking their horns.

It was pretty great.

Man, Hyde is going to kick your ass.

I know, I got to get out of here before someone kicks the crap out of me.

You jerk! Jerk, jerk, jerk!

Hey, hey! Watch the face!

That's the paycheck!

Jackie, aren't you supposed to be in Chicago?

Well, I'm here to get Steven back.

Uh, where is he?

He's not here. He took off after he caught you two about to... j& Do it! j&

Oh, my God, this is horrible. I quit my job, I lost my boyfriend.

My whole life is ruined.

Jackie, I'm really sorry about what happened.

I never meant to come between you and Hyde.

Let me ask you one question. Are we back together or not?

Oh, you are just as dumb as ever!

Okay, you know, you can insult me all you want, but just answer the question!

No! No, you won't answer the question?

Why not? Because we're not together!

That's the reason you won't answer the question?

No! Then what's the reason?

And that went on for about half an hour.

Oh, hey, Kitty. I need to borrow some butter or oil. Pretty much anything greasy.

Are you cooking? Nope, tanning.

Hey, what's up with the tape recorder?

Oh, I'm making a tape to send to Eric. Here, say hi!

Don't give him the microphone! j& What's new, pussycat? Whoa, whoa j& What's new, pussy... j&

Hey, Donna! Boo! Boo!

Dad, just say something normal.

Normal doesn't put asses in the seats, Donna.

For the last time, there are no seats anywhere around you!

Oh, Red, honey, here, say something to Eric!

I'd love to.

Son, I was out in the garage the other day, I looked down and I saw your old baseball mitt.

And it made me think what I always think.

What a waste of money.

Actually, Eric, you leaving was very hard on your father.

The next day he just sat around moping.

I feel like dancing!

By the way, Eric, we gave some of your toys to the church.

Give up, Eric? That's a deck of cards hitting a bottle of soy sauce.

Eric, please come home. You have no idea how much I miss you.

I miss you, too, honey. I don't think I'll be happy until I see you again.

Hey. Steven's home.

Okay, Miss Kitty, he doesn't like to be hugged!

Don't you ever leave me again!

I spilled my soda... Hyde.

I don't know what to say, man.

What about, "Ow"?

Why would I say, "Ow"?


I get it!

Eric, Steven just hit Michael.

And while I'm very disappointed in Steven for hitting Michael, it was very exciting!

Come on, man, get up.

Why? So you can deck me again?

No, actually I'm fine now. Everything I wanted to say was in that one punch.

Come on.

It was a good one, too.

I peed myself a little on the way down.

I'm going to go change.

Hyde, where have you been?


I've been hanging out in Las Vegas, my man.

And I've learned this, you don't want to show up late to a Don Rickles show with puffy hair.

Well, you could have let us know where you were.

I was worried sick about you and I am very...

I got you this.

A little tiny slot machine!

It is so cute!

Steven, you're back! Look, we have to talk.

About what? How you nailed Kelso?

No, about our relationship.

Oh, okay. I'll start. You nailed Kelso!

You never gave me a chance to explain!

Because you nailed Kelso!

Mrs. Forman, start taping! Eric loves it when he screams at her!

Steven, I never even slept with Michael.

Yeah, right. Because Kelso is always showing up at my hotel room naked with a bucket of ice.

You know, this is your fault, too.

Okay, you two, just stop yelling!

Go ahead.

No, forget it.

Well, I guess that's that.

Well, that was horrible.

Yeah, I know. Where the hell is my little tiny slot machine?

Red, can you please just do me a favor and tell Eric you miss him a little?

Oh, fine. Give me the thing.

Eric, this is a little hard for me 'cause I'm not real emotional, but I wanted to tell you that your G.I. Joes were killed,

in the great Dumpster War of 1979.

Well, your meatloaf was lost in the great Make Your Own Dinner War of 19... Today!

Well, Eric, now that I have a second, I should catch you up on your new friend, Charlie.

Okay. Who brought the beer?

I thought you were bringing the beer.

No, you were beer, I was chips.

You were beer, I was chips. Fine. Give me the chips.

I forgot the chips.

You know what I forgot? To stay home.

You guys...

How much do we love this guy?

He's a prince!

Charlie, it is so awesome hanging out with you.

Thanks, guys. It feels so good to finally belong to something, you know.

It's like the first day of the rest of my life!

The beer!

That was a pretty awkward landing.

I hope he's okay.

Yeah, of course he's okay.

It's not like anyone has ever died falling off the water tower.

And so they renamed it the Charlie Richardson Memorial Water Tower.

Jackie, Hyde just needed to blow off some steam. You guys aren't over.

Well, if you won't talk to me, then maybe you'll talk to Mr. Fluffycakes.


My magical horn senses that you're sad and need someone to talk to!

Great. Now he can't hear you.

Hey, Jackie.

Oh, what do you want?

Man, I feel really bad about the way things turned out.

You and Hyde should be together, okay? Go talk to him.

Look, there is no point, okay?

I'm starting to think Steven never really wanted to be with me at all.

This must be how ugly people feel all the time.

I wouldn't know about the ugly thing.

But I do know that he does want to be with you.

Why else would he drive all the way to Chicago to propose to you?

Wait, what?

Oh, my God! Steven was going to propose?

I have to find him!

Tell you what, that's the last time I want to mess around with a girl with a boyfriend.

Kelso, your hand is on my butt.

Come on, he's in Africa!

You know, Red, it really upset me this afternoon when you wouldn't say anything nice to Eric.

Well, I can see how that would surprise you, what with nice things always bubbling out of my mouth.

Well, it would just mean a lot to me to hear you say how you feel.

Don't you even miss him?

Well, let's say I did.

I still wouldn't feel comfortable saying it on tape.

Well, would it kill you just to say it to me here in private?

Oh, fine! I miss him! Of course I miss him.

He's my son.

Why do you always make me say things?


I should be in the FBI.

So anyway, Forman, ramble on, keep on keeping on, most of all, my friend, rock on.

You know, I never used to understand that hippie jargon,

but ever since my "bathroom experiment,"

I'm cool, man!

Oh, okay, let me just give you two some privacy.

Hey. Hey.

Steven, I am so sorry about what happened in Chicago.

I was alone and I thought I lost you.

Yeah, well, I can see why you thought that.

Look, why didn't you just tell me sooner you wanted to get married?

Because I wasn't sure I wanted to.

And now that I've thought about it, I'm right, I'm not ready to be married yet.

Yet? Oh, okay.

Well, there you have it, Eric, Steven's not ready to get married yet.

Hi, I'm looking for...


Hey, baby!

Hey, Sam.

Who the hell is that?

This is Sam. She's a...

Exotic dancer I met in Vegas.

I'm sorry, what are you doing here?

You don't remember? We got married.

Oh, my God! What?

One more thing, Eric. Steven married a stripper!

You know, being up here makes me think of our poor friend Billy.

His name was Charlie, you cantaloupe.

Kelso, you've fallen off this thing, like, 10 times.

It's so scary to think you could have, you know, like, met the same fate as Charlie.

Yeah. It's like we go through our life, like, thinking we're invincible, right, but the truth is, we're totally vincible.

Screw that! I'm invincible!