That '70s Show S8E10 Script

Sweet Lady (2006)

Hyde, new releases just arrived at the store.

Oh! Is that Abba?

Oh, cool! I love the Talking Heads.

They have a girl in the band and she's like a real musician who doesn't have to use her sex appeal.

Although it wouldn't kill her to put on some lipstick.

Maybe pop a few zits. I mean, you're on stage for God's sake!

My band has a girl in it too and we totally respect her as a musician.

A musician with really big boobs.

Hey, you know what they should have? An all-girl band.

Except instead of playing instruments, they just dance around and make out.

You know, you and Karen could totally hit it off.

My band and I are heading up to my parents' cabin this weekend, if you wanna come.

Oh, well, my dad asked me to shave a "G" into his back for the Packers game.

So yes, I would love to come.

Ooh, Barry Manilow. All right, Randy, here's what I want you to do.

Take this record, go back to the store.

Anybody looks like a Manilow fan, chuck it at their head.

Even better, I'll throw it at their crotch.

We don't want those people reproducing.

So, Donna. Sounds good.

You and Randy in a cabin. Breathing in the fresh mountain air.

Having sex.

What are you talking about?

Well, you see, when a boy likes a girl, the boy gets the girl drunk...


That's not gonna happen.

He's not into me like that and he knows I'm getting over a break-up.

Come on, man. Don't you know how guys think?

Not really.

The only guy I have ever been with was Eric, and as far as I know, a typical guy's thoughts are, "Who would win in a fight? Bigfoot or Chewbacca?"

All right. Here's what a typical guy thinks about.

Sex, beer and pinball.

Now, if a guy can have sex while drinking beer on a pinball machine, well, that's the beautiful story of how I met my wife.

Well, if it isn't Miss Mooch, my unemployed roommate.

What would you like to mooch today?

My cheese puffs? My Yoo-hoo? My Oil of Olay?

Fez, I want to find work, but it's really hard.

I spent all morning going to every store in the mall.

And when I find the right outfit, I'm gonna look for a job.

Fez! I look fantastic!

You know, I always give credit where credit is due.

So thank you, God, for my fantastic bone structure!

So, Christine, what's on the agenda for my favorite local talk show host?

I mean besides looking Fez-tastic.

Well, today I'm off to the zoo.

It seems a baby elephant is being born.

And I want to be the first thing it sees, so it knows there's beauty in this ugly world.

Well, for my money, nothing beats the time you rode along with cops and stopped the liquor store hold-up.

Well, I got lucky then.

The day before's show I learned to do the flamenco.

And as it turns out, a high dance kick doubles beautifully for a knock-out blow to the face.

Ciao, darling!

I love it when she says, "Ciao."

It's like she's made up a whole new way to say goodbye.

Was that Christine St. George?

She's my idol! That's who I should be working for!

We could co-anchor What's Up Wisconsin together!

Oh, I could just picture it!

I'm Christine St. George.

And I'm Jackie St. Jackie!

And it's time to ask, What's Up Wisconsin? What's Up Wisconsin?

Coming up today, war, famine, disease.

But first, our top story. Jackie St. Jackie is spectacular!

And in sports today, I'm gorgeous!

Oh, this just in. Jackie St. Jackie is the greatest girl ever!

I am!

I know!

Jackie St. Jackie? I got breaking news. You're freaking nuts!

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street

j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Oh, Jackie, you're watching Christine St. George. I just love her!

The other day she had a tiger cub on her show.

It was just the sweetest thing you ever saw!

Right up until it mauled the weather man.

Yeah, but he probably deserved it.

He looks like he smells like ham.

Oh, but you know what? Christine handled it perfectly.

She distracted the tiger with the food critic's lamb chop and then she made a tourniquet out of her microphone cord.

I know, she's amazing! Oh, oh, she's back!

That sure is one big pumpkin, Tim!

Coming up, a high school marching band that collectively has lost more than 400 pounds!

You know what? I'm gonna write Christine a letter and ask her for a job.

Oh, no, no, no, no, you have got to go talk to her in person.

Trust me, there is nothing celebrities like more than people showing up in their offices.

Steven, you have finally reached that point in your life where you're no longer a dumb ass kid.

You're a dumb ass man.

Wow. Those dumb ass teen years just flew by.

And now that you're married, I'm gonna take you on a rite of passage to the Viking Lodge.

Gosh, Red, I don't know what to say.

I guess the first thing that comes to mind is, uh, no.

I stripped at the Viking Lodge in Vegas for a guy's 85th birthday.

He had a heart attack.

But then the paramedics showed up and they were really good tippers.

Come on, Steven!

You need a place where you can hang out and have a beer with other married men.

Boy, does that sound boring.

Hanging out in a dingy room, drinking beer, doing nothing.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be in the basement.

All right, Red, I guess I'll go.

You're not gonna make me wear one of those silly Viking hats, are you?

'Course not, don't be ridiculous.

Ours have horns and chin straps, and your name stitched in yarn. It's very classy.

Wow! Nice cabin.

It's got a cozy, mid-century, dead carcass feel to it.

Yeah, I like to come up here when I really feel like roughing it.

So, you hook up the VCR. I'll go microwave some nachos.

Hey, Donna.

Did you have sex with Randy yet?

Would you shut up?

That is not what this weekend is about.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

A guy invites a hot girl to a private cabin deep in the woods.

It can only mean one thing. He wants you to meet his band!

Okay, maybe it's a little weird that they're not here.

A little weird?

That's like saying it's a little crazy that you're talking to a floating head.

Well, we are alone. He did bring wine.

Wait a minute! Maybe you're right! Maybe he wants to get it on!

Did somebody say get it on?

Fez, will you get out of here?

Yeah, Fez, beat it!

Ow! Why you...

Son of a bitch!

Hi, I'm here to see Christine St. George.

Do you have an appointment?

No, but I am her biggest fan and I would love to be her co-anchor.

Okay, have a seat and a psychiatrist will be right with you.

Oh, please, miss, couldn't you just let us in for two minutes?

I got a better idea. How about if I let you in for no minutes?

Please? Please, could you let us in?

I know I have what it takes to be on TV and I just need to demonstrate my talents to Christine.

Oh, and I just want an autograph. Or a souvenir.

She made cheesecake on yesterday's show. Is that around?

You really want to get in, huh?

Okay, I'm thinking of a number between one and 10.

Six. You got it!

Wait. So does that mean we can go in?

No. That's the number of cops I'm gonna call if you don't beat it.

But I'm supposed to be her co-anchor!

And I'm supposed to be Brooke Shields. Ain't life a bitch?

So, Steven, this is the Viking Lodge. What do you think?

I can see why you got that CPR poster in the hallway.


It's great to see you! Who's the new guy?

Murph, Smitty, this is my friend Steven. Hey.

Steven just got married.

My condolences.

Listen, I've been married for 40 years and I'm half the man I used to be.

But it evens out. My wife is twice the woman she used to be.

He's saying she's fat.

Big woman.

You know, pretty soon your wife will be nagging at you about doing one chore or another.

You know, taking out the garbage, mowing the lawn. Making love to her.

Wait till she starts finishing your sentences for you.

Or in my case, my pizzas.

You know, I used to think it was cute when my wife finished my sentences.

You know what I want her to finish now? Living!

See, that's the thing about marriage.

No one tells you about the three rings.

There's the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

He's saying she's annoying.

Big pain.

Is this all you guys do? Just stand around the bar and complain about your wives?

Of course not!

So listen, I'm having a few drinks the other night, and my old lady says, "I suppose you like

"yourself better when you're drunk."

I says, "No, I like you better."

My wife came to me the other day and said, "We don't talk anymore." And I said, "You ruined the streak!"

You know, I'm learning a lot from you guys in here.

For instance, bras. Not just for girls.

The steam is great.

Time to loosen the towel and release the hounds.

Don't look down. Don't look down.

I saw the hounds!

Miss St. George, you put the beauty in beautiful, the sass in sassy and what else can I say? I love a big tip!

And what else can I say? I love a big kiss ass!

So, who's gonna be on the show today?

Oh, Pete Rose. I gotta go warm up.

I don't want my slider to hang over the plate.

He really took me downtown the last time, but not today, Pete Rose!

Not today!

Okay, well, let me get your hair products. I'll be right back.

Okay, darling.

Hi, this is Jackie St. Jackie, reporting live from Fresh Hair.

Today's topic, ugly people running with scissors.

Health hazard or community service?

Oh, why, hello, Christine St. George!

Why, hello, crazy girl talking into a hairbrush!

Jackie! Out! Out! Out!

I apologize, Miss St. George.

This is Jackie, my roommate.

She wants to be your co-anchor on What's Up Wisconsin.

Well, from what I've seen you do so far, Jackie, I'd say you have what it takes.

Really? No.

But you seem like a dear thing, so good luck to you. Adios!

Adios? How does she even come up with those?

Oh, she forgot her hair products. Christine!

Wait! No, no! Fez! Wait, wait, let me deliver them to the studio.

They'll have to let me in and I can talk to her.

I don't know, Jackie.

I'll give you a free peek at me in the shower.

This end is up.

Well, it took a while, but the rugged outdoorsman finally got the fire going.

Lucky for us he was hiking by.

Well, Randy. Here we are.

All alone. In front of a nice roaring fire.

This has worked out perfectly.

The only thing you forgot is I'm not a stupid bimbo!


This whole act may work on your little groupies, but not me.

So find another groupie to grope, you gross groupie-groper!

Donna, how can you say that?

I mean, literally, that sounded really hard to say!

This whole night has been one long set-up to get me alone!

"Oops, my friends didn't make it." What's next?

"Oops, I spilled wine on your blouse. Oops, we're naked!

"Oops, I made an ice-cream sundae on your boobs!"

Donna, meet my band.

The band is here!

Band, meet Donna. Believe it or not, she's sober.

I'll help you guys unload the van.

Um, Randy, I feel like such a moron.

I thought you were trying to hit on me.

Donna, I wouldn't do that.

I'm pretty old-fashioned when it comes to romance.

We're talking flowers, candy, love poems.

And, well, you haven't given me any of those things.

I mean, this is gonna be really hard to say, but I'm sorry that I called you a groupie...

A gross groupie... I can't even say it.

Wait, you two aren't going to do it?

No. You guys were wrong.

And since I control you, I can make you do this!

Donna, stop it!

Gross, man, what did you eat for lunch?

Christine St. George? Hi, Jackie Burkhart.

Yes, the roving hairbrush reporter.

How did you get past reception?

Well, I really wanted to talk to you, so I asked Fez if I could deliver your hair products.

Oh. Oh! Well, I'm glad you did.

Because now that I see you standing in a television studio, I think you have a solid career ahead of you.

As a delivery girl. Can I validate your parking?

But Miss St. George, please. If you would just give me a chance.

Look, I know I have what it takes to be on TV.

I own three of them! I also know everything about you.

What you like, what you don't like. What you wear.

Dear, these are skills I could teach a monkey.

And as a matter of fact, I did. Episode 427.


But here's the good news. I like you. You've got spirit.

No. Moxie, yes. Wait! No, it's gumption.

Oh, there's a word for it and I can't think what it is.

Oh, well. The point is, look, you have a job if you want it, as my assistant.

Really? Yes.

I'll take it! I have a job in television! Okay.

Oh, wait, wait, do I get to say What's Up Wisconsin?

You can answer the phone any way you like.

Oh, there is my little Viking in training.

So, how was last night?

Don't even get me started on the hounds. Oh! The hounds.

The hounds are an old man's testicles.

I don't know how I'm gonna tell Red, but I don't wanna be a Viking.

All those guys do is sit around and complain about their wives.

Oh, Steven, no. Those men were just kidding around.

Did Red tell the one about the three rings? I came up with that.

Steven! Bad news about the Viking Lodge. They don't want you back.

All my hopes and dreams have been unaffected.

But you know, just out of curiosity, why would they not want me back?

It was Smitty.

He felt that your eyes were lingering.

Oh, Jackie. How is the first day of work going?

Terrific. I can't believe I'm in the glamorous world of show business, that I have finally arrived! Oh, here's your coffee.

Thank you.

I asked for half and half. This is milk.

Right, but I kind of, sort of thought they were the same thing.

No, no, half and half is not the same thing as milk.

They're different.

Just as listening to me and not listening to me are different.

Like happy and furious are different!

Like employed and fired are different. Do we understand each other?


Now get me the coffee I want or I'll get a monkey to do it!

Jackie! Psst! Come here!

Don't take it so hard, sweetie.

Sometimes Christine flies off the handle like that.

But most of the time she's a real sweetheart.

Oh. Really? No.

Welcome to hell!

Hey, the name of the show is What's up Wisconsin.

Why is it that every story you write is about Minneapolis?

All right, you know what? You're fired. Go take a slow boat to China!

Maybe I will. I love boats.

Hey, Christine, hey, what do you think about my new beret?

This is what I think about it!