That '70s Show S8E11 Script

Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy (2006)

Ah, Kitty. Making brownies for breakfast?

No. Brownies have too much sugar to be a healthy breakfast.

Here, have some Fun Time Snack-A-Doodles.

Uh, Mrs. Forman, can I borrow your curling iron?

I was gonna borrow Donna's, but hers smells like potatoes.

It wasn't my fault. My dad used it to make curly fries.

Well, I wanna look good for my first full day of work at the TV station.

I wanna look super pretty, so that co-workers won't mind when I stab them in the back.

You could try my hairstyling technique. Wake up, remove pillow.

You know, I am just so excited for you, working for TV's Christine St. George.

She is my hero. She's amazing, she's talented...

She's the devil.

She seems sweet to me.

Last week, she was having a lot of fun with this dog that could say, "Christine."

It sounded like, "Wrureen."

It was pretty good.

Okay. Rumor has it that as soon as the cameras went off, she had that dog neutered.

Well, I just cannot believe that a woman who makes her own potpourri could be that bad.

Now, if you're still nervous about her, just do what I did when I first started at the hospital.

Kitty, I don't think she is allowed to bring Kahlua to work.

No, you just... You bring in some treats and put them on your desk.

That's what I did with my awful boss.

Now he loves me, he weighs 300 pounds and he sweats when he ties his shoes.

I win.

Here, take some brownies.

Thanks. Well, I guess it's true what they say.

Keep your friends close and your enemies fat.

You know, if you want to impress them, do a good job.

If your job is making coffee, make coffee.

If your job is answering phones, answer phones.

If your job is sharpening pencils...

Get a new job, 'cause that one blows.

You know what? At this point, I'll try anything 'cause Christine is a bitch.

You know, that is a double standard.

Why is it okay for a man to be a hard ass boss but when a woman is, she's labelled a bitch?

Because Christine's a bitch.

Good morning, Jackie.

How are you enjoying your time behind the scenes at the fifth largest TV market in Wisconsin?

I don't know. I'm working pretty hard. Well, good.

Oh, here are your messages, Miss St. George.

Great. And, uh, I also made a new fresh pot of coffee. Wonderful.

And I sharpened the pencils on your desk.

You... Are you a complete moron?

Those pencils were a gift from Jane Pauley.

Well, they still say, "Love and kisses, Jane Pau."

How would you like it if I ruined something of yours?

That was your mug.

My Ted Koppel mug!

Listen, my job as TV host is to be happy.

And your job is to keep me happy.

You screw up one more time and you're out of here.

Okay, everybody, let's do a super good show.

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you

j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Why is there no orange juice in my mini-fridge?

I'll stock you right now.

No, dear.

That would be the answer to the question, "When are you going to stock it?"

My question was, "Why is it empty?"

Um, brownie?

I want my orange juice. I don't want your leftovers.

Do I look like a homeless person to you?

Oh, oh! All I wanted you to do was just to try a brownie.

Oh, all right, you big baby. I'll have one of your brownies.

Hmm, this is pretty good.

Really? Mmm-hmm.

Well, thank you.

All right, well, I also made up your schedule for tomorrow.

Oh, did you? Good.

Oh, good job. Oh, yeah.

Really? Mmm-hmm.

Great. Okay, well, they canceled your appearance with the boy who fell down the well.

Ah, thank God.

Why are we celebrating that?

The boy is just clumsy.

Listen. I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier.

Oh, you must think I'm a complete psycho.

It was completely my fault.

I should have just moved out of the way when you threw that script at me.

No, no, not at all, because if you had, the script would have gone flying right past you and might have hit somebody important.

What are you listening to?

Nothing.

Hyde is always giving me crap about my poofy hair, so I use these sweet babies to hold it down.

Oh, my God, look at David Bowie.

He's got a nicer ass then I do.

Randy, this is where you disagree.

I'd like to Donna, but he's wearing a dress. You're wearing jeans.

I'm very confused.

All right. I gotta go to work, but before I do, I have to do one thing.

Ha ha! Re-poofed your hair.

Hey, Randy, can you help that chick sitting on the couch?

Oh, wait. That's you.

Guys, who put a sandwich in the cash register?

You can pay for things with sandwiches?

Hello, Hawaii.

I did that, Hyde. Sorry, man, but I've been a little scatterbrained lately.

It's true, because I remember when I first met you, I thought, "That guy is focused."

Yeah. You know, you've been acting kind of weird even for you.

Are you sober?

No. Aquarius.

So what's wrong?

I got a crush on someone, but I don't know what to do about it.

It's been all long time since I've wooed a lady.

First off, nobody uses the phrase "woo a lady" anymore.

That's why the girl at The Hub slapped me.

No, man, she slapped you because you grabbed her ass and yelled "Whoo! A lady!"

Mrs. Forman, your brownies saved my life.

Christine was yelling at me all morning, but then I gave her one of your brownies and then she started liking me.

Oh, I don't believe that for a minute.

I could eat a whole tray of those brownies and I still wouldn't like you.

Red, television's Christine St. George loves my brownies. This is so exciting.

I am in a famous person's stomach right now.

Okay, well, I need some more for tomorrow, so could you make some?

Oh. I just, um... I just put Red's chicken pot pie in the oven, so...

Here, honey. Eat around the chicken.

It's probably loaded with bacteria.

All right, Leo. The problem that most guys have when they're picking up chicks is they over think things.

So you should be fine.

All you have to say to a lady is, "Come here often?"

If she says no, grab her ass.

You know she won't be coming back, so you won't have to see her again.

No. Look, I got an idea.

Pretend we're at a bar and the three of us are foxy ladies.

Oh, I'm a recent college graduate with big boobs and an urge to explore.

I'll show Daddy.

Okay, now, try to pick one of us up.

What are you doing, man?

You looked the lightest.

All right, put me down.

Okay. You're dumb and lazy.

Oh, there's my lady.

Excuse me, you're blocking the aisle.

Hey.

Hi, Leo.

Come here often?

Wow, JJ. Seven yo-yos at one time?

I guess an act like that really has its ups and downs, huh?

I'm so glad I fought for my country so that grown man could play with his yo-yo.

Oh, shushy-shushy, grumpety-grump.

Now, before we go, I'd like to introduce the newest family member of What's Up Wisconsin.

She's my assistant. She's Jackie Burkhart.

Come on, honey. Come on in here.

Oh, my God, I'm on TV.

Well, for all of you watching in black and white, I am wearing a navy twin set, and my eye shadow is periwinkle blue.

Holy macaroni! It's Jackie! I know someone who's on TV!

What do you know! It really is an idiot box.

Jackie brings me the most delicious brownies.

Brownies. Red, those are my brownies.

Oh, they look so much bigger on TV.

So moist, you don't even have to drink milk with them.

No milk! That is the highest compliment a brownie can have.

Now, Jackie darling, I must know where you got them.

From me! She got them from me!

Got them? I made them. Myself.

What?

It's an old Burkhart family recipe.

You lying little midget!

This might be a bad time to ask, but are you gonna start getting lunch together?

I can't believe Leo likes me.

I feel like I'm back in the third grade and the slow kid who picks his nose just gave me a valentine.

See, that is what you get for leading Leo on with your tight jeans and your heaving chest and your large bedroom window.

You know, there's a good chance Leo will forget this whole thing.

Just like he forgot that other thing. The sixties.

Well, what am I gonna do? I mean, I don't wanna hurt his feelings.

Donna, I know this is weird for you, but you have to remember, it is hilarious for us.

I think you and Leo could be great together. I can see it now.


I have to go talk to him. I ain't havin' no Leo baby.

Whoa! Mrs. Forman, you gotta help me.

I need another batch of brownies and I need them bad.

Okay. First, preheat the oven to 350, then stick your head inside and bake the lies out of your lying mouth, you little liar!

Please, it's the only thing that keeps Christine off my back.

I'm gonna lose my job. Please, you've gotta help me.

Please.

Oh, that is so fake.

Oh, damn. Fine. I'm sorry.

Look, Christine caught me off guard.

I was on TV. I didn't know what to say.

How about Kitty Forman baked the brownies?

See how easy that was? I can even say it backwards.

Brownies the baked Forman Kitty.

Okay, okay, you're right.

But now I'm in too deep, so I am begging you.

Please, could you just make some more brownies?

Drop it, Jackie. I am not gonna let you continue to take credit for all of my hard work.

What if I take you to the studio and introduce you to Christine St. George?

I'll get the eggs. You grease the pan.

Hyde, I thought you said Leo was supposed to be here today.

Yeah. I put him on the schedule, which means he is either on his way in, or on his way to San Francisco to see the Dead show.

I just wanna get this over with. It's gonna be so hard.

Donna, I know how you must feel. Soft and smooth.

There's my girl.

Hi, Leo.

Leo, you didn't have to get me chocolates.

Chocolates? That's my lunch.

Leo, look. I'm really flattered that you like me, but I can't be your girlfriend.

Is it because I'm black?

You're not black.

So, it's not that then. I know what it is. You like that Randy guy.

What? No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

So I think maybe it's best if we stop seeing each other.

Wait a minute, you're breaking up with me?

I'm sorry, but I just can't date a racist.

So, man, how did it go?

He thinks I like Randy. Can you believe that?

Donna. Leo has never been right about anything in his life.

Except for the fact that you're into Randy.

What are you talking about?

Hi, Randy. I like music. Do you like music too?

Shut up.

Look at my butt. I made it just for you.

You are so far off.

Come on, man. You're in the store more than I am.

You giggle at everything he says.

You guys are like a bad Carpenters song. Or like any Carpenters song.

Okay. Fine. Maybe I like him a little bit.

But if you tell anyone I will freakin' kick your ass.

You bitch.

So, Leo. You're single again. You gonna be okay?

Yeah. I've already got my eye on somebody better.

Excuse me.

Hey, come here often?

Join us tomorrow as we examine the pain suffered by a local family from religious prejudice.

And Sparky, the water-skiing squirrel, will be here too.

Until then, What's Up Wisconsin?

Oh, Miss St. George, that was a great show.

Oh, thank you. Um, you know what?

I would love for you to meet one of your biggest fans.

Uh, this is Kitty Forman.

Hello. Christine.

Oh, it is such an honor to meet you.

You look so much taller in person.

Of course, we only have a 19-inch TV set.

Okay. I also brought you some brownies.

Oh, isn't that wonderful of her?

You know, Jackie, I was thinking that on tomorrow's show you and I might make these brownies.

You know, you'd stir the eggs and I'd come up with some funny yolks.

A cooking segment?

Oh, that is just... That is just my dream come true.

For you.

Oh, Miss St. George, I have to tell you something.

I didn't bake the brownies. Kitty did.

Who's Kitty, dear?

Um, that's me.

Oh. Well, good for you.

Would you, uh, give me just a moment with my assistant?

Oh, of course. Thank you.

Okay, would it be okay if I just sat in your chair for a minute?

Oh sure. My fake casa is your fake casa.

Okay, Miss St. George, I'm really sorry.

No.

What you showed me just now proves that you are a sweet, honest, young woman.

And that crap will get you nowhere in show business.

So what? I'm supposed to lie and cheat and take credit for other people's work?

That's how I paid for my Mercedes.

You can't be afraid to be tough.

Oh, I'm tough. I'm very, very tough.

People always say what a bitch I am.

Well, for your sake, I hope they're right.

Now, please. Get this crazy lady off my set.

Coming up next, a potato chip that looks like Henry Kissinger.

See if you can find that potato chip. It sounds fascinating.

Before we bring on the tap-dancing parrot, I have a correction to make from yesterday's show.

Red. She's gonna say my name. Are you taping it?

Do you know how to use the machine?

Yes, I know how to use the machine.

Those brownies I so enjoyed were made by the talented and lovely Kitty Forshack.

Forshack?

No, no, that doesn't sound right. Ah! Forman. Kathy Forman.