That '70s Show S8E12 Script

Killer Queen (2006)

Hey, Red, I got a question for you.

My wife says she doesn't want anything for Valentine's Day.

So I'm off the hook, right?

Let me tell you a little story.

There was a woman, a newlywed.

And she told her husband, "Rather than waste money on gifts, "save for retirement." And so he never bought her a gift.

Not for Christmas, birthdays, never.

And 50 years later, she thanked him.

And you know who that woman was? No.

That woman was the invisible dancing fairy of Dumb Ass Land.

All women want gifts.

Well, what do you get a stripper anyway?

Ooh! How about a robe and a father who gave a damn?

Mrs. Forman, life's a trade-off.

If her father gave a damn, I wouldn't have this smile on my face.

Well, Steven, it is important to keep romance alive once you're married.

That's why I bought a present for Red and I'm sure he has one for me.

Because he loves me and he knows what I'm capable of.

That's right, honey! Wait till you see what I got you!

You romantic little devil, you.

Not hardly. Follow me, rookie.

Ever since I forgot Kitty's birthday that one year, I keep a stash of gifts down here.

That way, even if I forget, I remember.

Go ahead, I'll spot you one.

Oh, hey, these wool mittens will be perfect for Sam.

If only they were black, leather and a bra.

So what are you giving Kitty? Ah, this needlepoint.

She'll like it because it's fun, and I'll like it because it'll keep her occupied for gigantic chunks of time.

Jackie, dear, thank you for booking that lovely couple on our Fools for Love piece.

I know, that guy was so cute.

You know, he said no matter where he went he always heard his wife's voice saying, "I love you."

Ah! Well, apparently another voice in his head told him to push her off a Ferris wheel.

Oh, my God!

Oh, no, no, no, no, that's horrible!

It's a tragedy! We don't have a couple for today's show.

You've got three hours to find another one or you're fired!

Oh, I'm just kidding.

No, I'm not.

Seriously, Jackie, just kidding about firing you.

Christine St. George's office.

I wasn't kidding.

Psst! Jackie! Come here!

Oh, what do you want?

I wanted to say don't worry.

It'll all work out between you and Christine.

Oh. Well, thanks.

Christine St. George's office.

You're gonna get fired!

You're gonna get fired!

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week

j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j& Hello, Wisconsin! j&

Hey, record guy. Mr. Record. Mr. Record Breaker.

Captain Record of the USS Phonograph.

Donna, Hyde's already given me a nickname.

It's Mrs. Lady Lovely Locks.

Okay, Mrs. Locks, um, I was wondering if maybe you'd like to, I don't know, like do something with me tonight, for good old VD.

Valentine's Day!

Not VD. I am clean as a whistle.

Man, it's really nice of you to ask but I've already got plans with someone else.

Maybe a rain check?

Sure, I love rain checks. In fact, I love checking for rain.

I'm gonna go check for rain right now.

That's the office. There's no rain in there.

Clear out here too!

Ugh! Fez! I have to find a happy couple for Christine to interview today or I'm fired.

What about Red and Miss Kitty?

Ugh! I might as well just book that painting of the old lady and the geezer with the pitchfork!

I see where you're going with this, Jackie, and don't worry, if it will save your job, I will pretend to be your boyfriend.

We should probably practice.

Oh! Get off me!

I was trying to help!

You were trying to cop a feel!

You didn't let me finish.

I was trying to help myself to a handful of your boob.

But I would like to help.

No, Fez, if Christine finds out we're faking it, I'm fired.

I can sell it, baby.

Besides, interracial couples are sexy.

Because it's illegal.

Fez, it's not illegal for people of two different races to date.

It's not? Uh-uh.

Freaking Hyde!

Hey. Hey.

Look, I just wanna make sure you didn't get the wrong idea when I asked you out, because I was asking you out as like... As friends.

Well, I'm glad you consider me a friend, because when I said I had plans earlier, I actually have a date.


And I was thinking maybe you could help me out and give me some advice.

You know, from the female perspective.

I'd ask my cousin but she's kind of into me. It's weird.

Sure, yeah. I mean, what do you have planned?

I was thinking, we start sweet with strawberry wine.

Then, we get a tad naughty with dirty word Mad Libs.

And then, hold on, what's this?

Tickets to the Monster Truck Mud Mayhem!

Wow, Randy, that sounds like a great idea, if you're dating Granny from The Beverly Hillbillies.

It's just there's something I don't like about the usual roses, fancy dinner and theater tickets.

It's so expensive.

Hey, Leo, what's your idea of a romantic date?

November 13th.

But this year it's ruined, man. I gotta go to the dentist.

Well, I hope you two lovebirds are ready to tell us all about your relationship.

We sure are. We've been dating so long, we finish each other's...


Well, I was going to say sandwiches, but whatever.

Okay, here we go.

What's Up Wisconsin?

It's time for our annual Fools for Love segment, and with me today is my assistant, Jackie Burkhart, and her boyfriend, Fez...

How do you pronounce your last name?

Oh, the first five K's are silent.

See how they look at each other!

It's just the way Sonny used to look at me while Cher was in make-up.

So, tell us how you two met.

Well, um...

I'll take this one, baby.

It was the third grade. Jackie came to school with pink eye.

All the kids teased her, so I rubbed her eye and infected myself, so she wouldn't be alone.

I guess you can say it was love at first sight! Pink sight, that is.

Well, I'm sure my viewers are dying to know the secret of your happiness.

It's very simple.

We make out every chance we get. Kiss me, baby!

No! No, no, baby, baby, I have a cold sore.

Well, baby, that wouldn't be the first time I got a disease from you, baby.

No, no, baby, I just... I ate some garlic bread.

Oh, baby, that's perfect! I just ate spaghetti, baby!

Oh, baby! Baby?

Baby! Baby!

Baby? Baby!

Oh, come on, Jackie. Give your man a Valentine's Day kiss!

Whoo! Call the fire department!

You can't fake passion like that.

We'll be right back.

Wow! Well, that was terrific.

Jackie, thank you. You outdid yourself, darling.

And Fez, as usual, I didn't understand a word you said.

Fez! We did it! Oh, you totally saved my job.

Yes, and you totally were not kidding when you said you ate garlic bread.

Oh! There's my valentine.

Oh! See, now, the card is a heart.

Actually, it's your heart, and it's saying, "Hi, Red, remember when I attacked you?"

It's a reminder to cut back on fatty, fried foods.

Well, that's real cute. I'll tell you what.

You close your eyes and start counting and I'll be right back with your gift!

One, two, three, four...

What the hell?

Oh, no!

...23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33...


Miss St. George, are you okay?

Yes, this happens to me every Valentine's Day.

I see a couple in love and it reminds me that I am missing the one thing that every woman needs to feel good about herself.

A friend that's fatter then you?

Love! I sacrificed love for my career and sometimes I think I maybe did the wrong thing.

Have a drink with me.


Tell me all about yourself.

Who you are, what makes you tick.

Well, um... No!

Let's go back to me.

I was born in a small hamlet just outside a little place I like to call New York.

And so I returned safely to base camp, that half-frozen Sherpa on my back.

There's a famous Tibetan folksong about it.

Wow. You're incredible.

So are you.

Here's to you, dear.

No, to you, Miss St. George.

Well, that's what I meant.

Why on God's green earth would I drink to you?

You're cut off.

So do I look okay?

I just wanna make sure my outfit doesn't send the wrong message to my date.

Okay, well, what message are you trying to send?

I'd like it to say, "Hi, my name's Randy.

"I'm a fun-loving yet slightly naughty guy.

"The little boy in me is insecure, but the man in me is cocky, "giving me a playfully heady mix of humility and aloofness.

"I like you. Let's party!"

I think you are asking a little too much from a jacket, but go have fun.

Okay, Donna, your valentine's here!

I thought we'd start with some hangman, then move into something that really gets the pulse racing, like Yahtzee.

All right, just so long as when you get Yahtzee you don't yell, "Poopsie!"

That's not a promise I can make.

Ooh, pizza!

Oh, you're back.

Hope your car's not blocking the driveway. We're expecting a pizza.

Donna, will you go out with me on a big Valentine's Day date?

What about the other girl?

There is no other girl.

I just think you're hot and I want to go out with you.


I'm her father and I'm standing right here!

Here, Mr. Pinciotti. Pizza's on me.

Have her home by sunrise.

Hey, Kitty. Oh.

Hi, Red.

Sorry I didn't get around to making dinner, but I was too busy counting to 956.

Well, it's gonna be worth it, 'cause I found your gift.

Oh! Look at that. Pack of gum. Tire gauge.

Actually, the gum was for me. Red!

Kitty, you always said it's the thought that counts.

Oh, I said that to Eric when he was five and he gave me that stupid macaroni frame.

You! What did you do?

I'm sorry, Red. I was down there picking out a gift for Sam, and she caught me and assumed everything was for her.

And she started kissing me everywhere, and I just handed everything over to her. That's her power, man.

Good God, Steven, the whole stash?

Look, I know I owe you an apology, but can it wait?

'Cause Sam just sent me up here to grab some whipped cream, so...


Okay, what were you two talking about?

Well, Kitty, I had a stash of gifts down there for every occasion.

That way, if I forgot to buy you something, I'd still be covered.

You buy my gifts in bulk?

No, it's more of a vast inventory of love.

Well, you're about to get a vast inventory of my foot in your ass!

Yeah! I can do that too!

Wow. So this was for me all along?


For one day I wanted to transform this crappy little record store into a crappy little bistro.


So, when I asked you out, why did you pretend to have another date?

Donna, I've wanted to ask you out for a long time.

And then you kind of beat me to it and I'm kind of a traditional guy.

I like to make the first move.

But if you wanted to make the second move, well, you're in luck.

I'm not wearing a bra.

That's good to know.

Hey! I just had the best meal, man!

Somebody left two whole steak dinners in there!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the monster truck show.

Would you just listen?

Oh, Red, I'd love to talk to you but I have to check the pressure in my tires.

Hey, Red, Kitty told Sam the presents weren't for her.

Now I'm kind of in trouble.

So I got us each a bouquet of flowers for our ladies.

Kitty, I got you roses! See how it feels, dumbass?

Jackie, come in. Please.

I just wanna thank you for yesterday.

I feel we really bonded, as much as a star can bond with a commoner.

Well, I'm really glad that we talked.

You know, I got to see there's a real person in there.

Someone with hopes and fears and emotions.

Well, I'm only human.

And you snuck a rare peek behind my iron curtain, didn't you?

I know. You know, I really feel like I got to know you better.

Yes, you did, and so you're fired.

Wait, what?

I cannot have an employee know so much about me.

And since your TV career is finished, may I suggest bartending?

You pour a mean Scotch, lady.

No, no, no, this isn't fair. I worked my butt off for you.

Thank you. Out you go. Go on.

Go on.

Okay, all right, you know what? Nobody here likes you.

They only pretend to like you because you're famous.

And I pretend to like them because they bring me lunch.

Oh, God!

You are a crazy, bitter lady with a hole where your heart should be!

Now, is that supposed to hurt me? I have a mug that says that.

Those shoes are so last season!

Rot in hell, you worthless maggot!

Well, I guess that's it.

Oh, I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

What do you know, I didn't.

Okay, look, Christine is obviously looking for a new assistant, so I put in a good word for you.

Really? Even though I was so mean to you? Wow, thanks.


What's Up Wisconsin.

I licked your phone! I licked your phone!