That '70s Show S8E13 Script

Spread Your Wings (2006)

Wow. I didn't think I was gonna like Kramer vs. Kramer.

But that's back when I thought we were gonna watch it.

Yeah, for a PG movie there's a lot of sexual content.

You know, I have noticed something about you.

You only like to make out in secret, dark places.

What? What are you talking about?

Yesterday, you drove me a half a mile into the woods.

I've never dated an Italian girl.

I thought I was gonna get whacked.

Well, it's just... Okay, I'm a little nervous about telling my friends about us.

Come on. What's the worst thing that could happen if we told them?

Okay, let me put it this way.

Two years ago, I walked into the basement and my jeans had a hole in the butt.

To this day they call me Poopchute Sally.

Poopchute Sally?

Okay, let's go, I don't want to run into anyone after the movie.

Ooh! Busted!

Wow!

Unbelievable.

After all that, she gives the kid back to Dustin Hoffman? That bitch is crazy!

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

I can't get over Donna and Randy making out like that.

It was all broad shoulders and blond hair. I could barely tell which one was the boy.

They should save that passion for her bedroom, where I have a better view.

I thought it was like watching Donna make out with Forman, except Randy wasn't constantly saying, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

Well, we're off to buy curtains for Eric's room.

We're making it into a sewing area, so I thought a nice floral print might really pretty it up.

It's all part of our plan to make Eric's room less girlie.

I wanted to make my room more manly, so I put up some posters of the Village People.

Mission accomplished.

Oh, oh, oh, well, I want to get to the fabric store before Mary's quilting club shows up.

Those fat cows think they own the remnant box.

Oh, crap.

I stashed something real important and real illegal up in Forman's room.

Where'd you hide it?

I don't know.

I was under the influence of it when I hid it.

Oh! Hey, it's Donna and Randy.

Where have you guys been, Donna and Randy?

Oh! Well, I was at the park, where I was practicing my violin

for a family of ducks.

I was at home.

Huh. That's simple.

Really? 'Cause, you know, we went to see Kramer vs. Kramer, but instead we saw Randy's hand versus Donna's bra strap.

I believe it was directed by Francis Ford Cop-A-Feel.

Donna! Why didn't you just tell us you were going out with Randy?

I don't know. It was just, you know... You guys are friends with Eric and I didn't know what you'd think.

I'm happy for you.

Yeah, man, whatever.

Yeah, I think it's great.

I mean, you finally found a guy who is stronger than you, and that's hard to do.

Okay, great! Cool, now we can all hang out and it won't be awkward.

You know, it's this kind of awkwardness reminds me of a time my dad brought this chick home.

And in the morning, she turned out to be a guy.

Although Tony did make me a kick-ass Denver omelet.

Well, I have a question that I think will make things less awkward.

Randy, when you kiss Donna, is it smooth like melted fudge?

Or rough like a cock fight?

Fez! Now, that is personal!

So have you guys had sex yet?

Jackie!

My money is on no. Donna is a strong, independent woman who feels that men should respect women for their minds.

In other words, she's a big fat tease.

Well, I think it's going to happen soon.

Because normally, Donna only shaves her legs up to her knees.

But this morning, she went all the way from Miami to Jacksonville.

Oh, Fez, thank you so much for getting me a job as a hair consultant.

Well, I told my boss that you were reliable and hard-working.

Aw, you lied for me.

Hey there, Fez. Hilary.

I saved you a bite of my cinnamon muffin.

Oh, what a coincidence. I saved you a bite of my cinnamon bun!

Oh, I would do anything to go out with that hot little number.

Well, have you asked her out yet?

Well, I've found that if a man creates mystery, the woman will come to him.

So you're scared? Terrified.

But I think it is time for you to get to work.

Okay. Wow.

So, okay, the first thing we're gonna do is get rid of these curls, 'cause they kind of make you look like a poodle.

What the hell are you doing?

You are not supposed to talk to the customers!

What... I am the hair consultant!

I just said that to get you down here. The truth is,

you're our sweep-up girl.

What? No, that's the pathetic foreign girl with the wandering eye who sweeps up the hair.

No. She's your boss.

Oh.

I've always been curious about something.

Heavens!

Oh. Hey.

Didn't know you guys were starting this early.

It's 2:00 in the afternoon!

Yeah, that damn school bus bringing home those kids woke me up again.

So, uh, you guys find anything interesting?

Oh, well.

I did find this Good Housekeeping under Eric's bed.

And apparently, he was very interested in self breast exams.

Yeah. Mrs. Forman, I think the only thing he was interested in was examining himself.

Oh, well, Steven, that is a perfectly normal biological function.

And my baby never did that!

Hey, Red, you need some help?

Nah, nah, I'm just boxing up some of Eric's awards.

Oh, it was a proud day when he came home with this beauty.

"Cub Scout Fair.

"Prettiest Non-Functioning Kite."

Uh, Mrs. Forman, my dad said you had something for me.

Oh, yes, honey.

I found some things I thought you might wanna hold on to.

These are gifts and notes that you gave to Eric and it's not like I read any of them, but you have some potty-mouth.

Mrs. Forman, like, seriously, Eric and I are through.

Oh, honey, I know you think that now, but he'll be back soon and you'll...

You'll have one of those talks on the hood of the car. Yes, I watch!

But you'll be right back together.

No, we won't. I'm... I'm moving on.

And it's not easy, 'cause, I mean, everywhere I look, something reminds me of Eric.

I'm sure this area in particular brings back a lot of memories.

You went out again last night?

Yup. I left the club with a creamy white girl and a chocolaty black girl.

We went home and made hot fudge sundae.

And then we did it.

Uh, Fez, why are you lying to her?

Shh!

But you didn't go out last night.

You were lying in front of the TV trying to look up Victoria Principal's dress.

Don't you have some hair to sweep, sweep-up girl?

Huh? No. The place is clean.

Don't worry, that's how the kids are wearing it nowadays.

Happy birthday, Eric! I have a sexy surprise for you.

Look across into my window.

Yeah, I thought you'd like those. Now, come over here, and I'll...

Hey! Hey!

What's up?

Nothing. Just, you know, hanging out.

Cool. Never sat on the hood of a car with a girl before.

Yeah, actually, you know what? This car was kind of...

Ooh! Light saber! Oh.

Yeah, that belonged to someone...

Check it out! ...else.

I'm Luke Skywalker. I'm here to rescue you!

Stop it!

What the hell?

I'm sorry! I'm sorry. This is... This is just too weird.

I can't do this. I can't see you anymore.

You could've just said you didn't like Star Wars.

Mrs. Forman, you wouldn't believe the lies Fez tells this girl at work.

I mean, he is pretending to be someone else completely.

So what? You pretend to be someone else every time you put on make-up.

I have seen you in the morning. Your face looks like scrambled eggs.

Well, we all do a little pretending.

Sometimes, when I'm bringing in the groceries, I pretend to be Scarlett O'Hara.

And I look at all the brown bags and I say, "As God is my witness, "I'll never go hungry again!"

Oh! Oh! And sometimes with Red, I...

Okay, well, the point is, it's okay to pretend.

Look, I like Hilary, and I was afraid that if she knew the real Fez that she wouldn't like me, so I created a new Fez.

A better Fez. I call this Fez "Work Fez."

You should see me down there.

Okay, let's do this!

j& Who is the man that would risk his neck for his brother man j& Fez You're damn right. j& Who's the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about? j& Fez Right on. j& Yo, they say this cat Fez is a bad mother... j& Shut your mouth j& I'm talking about Fez j& And we can dig it j& He's a complicated man and no one understands him but his woman j& Work Fez j&

I wondered why the last time I came in you said my hair looked blackalicious.

Hyde, I hope I did the right thing with Randy.

It just felt weird, starting up a new relationship.

Yeah, well, you know, it's tough when you've been with someone for a long time.

Like, just the other day, I heard this burglar alarm, and it was making this really awful high-pitched squealing noise.

I found myself thinking about Jackie.

Well, you know, I think I might have hurt Randy's feelings.

Hey, Donna. Hi.

Randy is helping me build Kitty's sewing table.

We're gonna make it real nice so she feels obliged to spend hours up here.

Hey, Steven.

How about taking a ride with me down to the lumberyard before they close?

No, I'm good. Nah, you're coming.

See, I know that you hid dope up here.

And if you found it while I was gone, I'd miss that pathetic look on your face when I flush it down the toilet.

You're a real messed-up dude.

Yeah. Come on.

So, um, Randy, I just wanna make sure that, you know, I hope we can still be friends.

Yeah. I'm cool with that.

Well, aren't you just Beaver freakin' Cleaver?

You want me to be a jerk?

Well, it would make breaking up with you a lot easier.

Donna. I'm sorry, I don't want this to be hard for you.

There you go again. Fine!

I won't say another word!

Oh, now you're gonna show me the muscles?

"I'm Randy, I got big muscles! I'm good-looking!"

You're an ass!

So, when are you and I gonna go out and put the fever back in Saturday night?

Or Thursday, whenever you're free.

I don't think I could keep up with you.

I think you'll be fine.

How do you know? Have you guys gone out?

Oh, God, no! No, we're just roommates.

Wait. Fez, you told me you had your own place.

You called it the Feznasium.

Of... Of course I do! I found this poor thing wandering around the street so I'm letting her stay at my pad.

Yes, I am teaching her the ways of love.

Okay, that's it. Hilary, you know what? Everything that Fez has told you is a lie.

He doesn't go out. He's in bed by 9:00!

And his idea of a "threesome" is Neapolitan ice-cream.

Look, I don't know what she is talking about.

Look, this is what happens when you hire a girl right off the boat.

Oh, really? Okay, here, take a look inside his backpack.

Hey, that's my backpack!

When the Phone Never Rings: A Beginner's Guide to Self-Love.

Anybody lose a backpack?

Hey, Donna. Come here and take a look at this sewing table.

It's even got a cup-holder, like Kitty asked.

You know, that Randy is a pretty sharp kid. He build this thing in two days.

The only thing Eric ever made was this crappy birdhouse.

Oh, yeah.

He was always too afraid to use the drill so he just painted the hole on there.

Yeah, and one by one, an entire family of bluebirds flew to their deaths.

Mr. Forman, what would you think if I hypothetically, possibly, maybe started dating a new guy?

I'd say I think you can do whatever the hell you want.

My dumb ass son broke up with you.

You gotta have your own life.

I have absolutely no problem with you dating Randy.

What, you know about that?

Oh, come on.

Your eyes nearly popped out of your head when you saw him in that tool belt.

Okay, cool. It really means a lot to me that you guys are okay with this.

No, no, no. Wait, no. I'm okay. For the love of God, don't tell Kitty.

I'd have to make her a bigger cup-holder!

Thanks a lot, Jackie. Now Hilary thinks I'm a crazy, self-loving pervert.

Well, she was gonna think that eventually.

Fez, I'm confused. Why have you been lying to me?

Well, I wanted you to think I was cool, so you'd go out with me.

But now you hate me.

Actually, I don't.

Before, I was always so intimidated, but now that I know you're just a regular guy, I'd totally go out with you.

Even after you saw my...

...book?

You're lonely. I think it's cute and endearing.

Um, I think you mean gross and appalling.

Jackie, he's a lost soul.

Someone has to take care of him.

Yes.

I'm broken.

Fix me.

Perfect. It's just like my grandpa used to say, "You measure it twice, everything's nice."

Actually, in his later years, it was all he said.

Hey, Red, can you hand me that box of drawer handles?

What's this?

Oh! That's mine! Oh, crap.

A macrame owl?

What the hell kind of pansy-ass thing is this?

I do macrame.

It's my therapy.

Well, I didn't realize you were so stressed out.

But I think you'll feel a lot better once you get the sex change.

There's my therapy.

Hey. Find your stash?

Yep. Now I'm gonna punish it for hiding on me by burning it.

Okay, look, I've been thinking about this, and before, on the car, I think I might have over-reacted.

It's just, I was in a relationship for a really long time.

And it's gonna take me a while to get used to something new.

Donna, I get it.

Okay. Great. So let's just, you know, take it slow and see where it goes.

I'm cool with that, Poopchute Sally.

Shut up.

Oh, my God!

In Eric's bedroom?

You two-timing whore!

Here's a tissue.

Thank you.

It's gonna be okay.

It's just so sad. How could I drop an entire box of M&Ms on the floor?

Do you want me to go buy you a new one?

It was the last one.