That '70s Show S8E14 Script

Son and Daughter (2006)

Thank you. Enjoy your Anne Murray, though I don't see how that's possible.

Hello, Steven! Hey, man! Hey, Leo, this is my dad, WB.

Wow! Now I've seen everything.

You're surprised he's black, huh?

No. His fly is open, man.

Whoa. Look at all these kids.

Pretty busy for a Tuesday morning.

Yeah, it's kind of a fire sale.

We put stuff on sale and then I go down to the high school and pull the fire alarm.

If the store keeps doing okay, there might be a nice bonus in your future.

Or as I like to call it, retroactive child support.

Hey, who's pretty boy?

Oh, hey. I'm Randy. But I really wouldn't call me pretty.

I'm more like sultry, angular yet soft.

Really anything that would describe Faye Dunaway.

So Steven, what are you and Faye Dunaway doing this weekend?

Oh, well, the Point Place Youth Club's doing a big trash cleanup, so we were gonna go down there and throw cans at them.

Check these out.

Front row tickets to Eric Clapton in Chicago?

That's the coolest thing anyone has ever done for me.

What, show you a couple of concert tickets? You're not going.

So listen, I stopped by to see if you wanted to house-sit for me.

You know, bring in the mail, water the plants, feed my dog, whitey.

Your dog's name is Whitey?

No, I was talking to you.

Yeah. I guess I can do that. Wow, man.

Staying at my dad's house. Be like the childhood I never had.

And I won't be there. Just like the childhood you did have.

Mrs. Forman?

I need to talk to you.

I'm really sorry that Randy and I were kissing in Eric's room.

It was inappropriate.

Oh, actually, honey, I'm surprised you even had time to apologize.

I thought you'd be up there making out with the rest of Wisconsin.

What the hell are you doing showing affection outside of your own homes, anyway?

Kitty and I, we never kiss or hug in public.

Far as the rest of the world is concerned, we're complete strangers.

I didn't mean to offend you. You've always been like a mother to me.

Like remember when you made me hot cocoa when my parents got snowed in at that swingers' club?

Oh, Donna, I'm not gonna let one little incident ruin a lifelong friendship.

Oh, hey, look, Red, this egg is kind of shaped like Randy's head.

And now it's trash, just like Donna!

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Oh, this pineapple reminds me of Donna.

It's a little tart.

Hey. Don't call my daughter names. You can call me names.

But I really wish you wouldn't.

Well, I just... I don't know what she sees in Randy.

He's so charming and friendly and always willing to lend a helping hand.

What a jackass.

I like him. He calls me Mr. P.

How did he come up with that one?

Kitty, if Donna's gonna date anyone, why not him?

I mean, he's bright, he's good with tools and most important, he has never once tried to teach me the ways of the Jedi.

Wait a minute. You like Randy too?

Well, I'm just saying, I don't hate him as much as I hate most people.

Well, you have said a lot of hurtful things, but this is the worst!

Kitty!

She's crazy.

This pineapple is delicious.

See? Now, this is the kind of house I want.

And I know that if I work hard enough, I can find a sucker to buy it for me.

Damn, this place is clean, man. Sure no woman lives here?

Steven, please, I don't need a woman living here to keep a clean house.

I have a maid.

And she's a white girl.

And then Mrs. Forman said you looked like an egg and threw your broken head in the trash.

Well, I don't take it too personally

'cause I've noticed something about Mrs. Forman. She's a whackadoo.

Oh, cool!

Peter Frampton gave you a signed guitar!

Hey, you know what? I have a handful of his hair.

And one of them has a little piece of skin on the end of it.

Yeah. She keeps it next to Leif Garrett's used Q-tip.

Hey, I had to kiss a roadie named Larry for that one.

Well, there's the kitchen, there's the living room and there's the bar.

Don't touch anything.

Don't worry, man. I'll treat this place like I broke into it myself.

Hey, guys, the toilet seat in there is heated.

It felt so good on my face.

Man. Watching your Dad's place is a big responsibility.

And I just know the 500 strangers we invite to the party are gonna give it the respect it deserves.

No way, man. WB is trusting me. I'm not trashing his house.

But that's the beauty of our plan. We will trash it for you.

Oh, Hyde doesn't want to disappoint his daddy.

"I'm Hyde, and I love my Dad and he loves me

"and we're making up for lost time and..." Actually that's kind of touching.

Come on, Hyde, don't you ever want to find out if 500 people can fit in that pool?

No! All right? I'm not letting you guys talk me into having a party.

I'm not doing something that stupid.

Look, everybody! I'm dancing like a chicken!

Ever since I said I like Randy, Kitty's been stomping around, making life miserable for me.

I can't describe how bad it is over there.

Well, made you wanna come over and hang out with me.

That's the perfect way to describe it!

I'm glad you came. Taste this.

Hmm. That tastes pretty good.

That's 'cause it's made with five different cheeses.

What's it called?

Five different cheeses.

Oh, save room for cheesecake.

God, this place looks great. WB will never know we had a party.

You missed something behind the couch.

Drive safe!

You know, all this cleaning is actually kind of satisfying.

You know, I bet my maid is thrilled she is not a doctor in her country any more.

Well, I cleaned all the dirty limerick off the wall.

I don't know where this Nantucket place is, but the men there are disgusting.

Man, I should not have thrown a party here.

It's weird, but I feel kind of guilty. I've never felt guilty before in my life!

Not even when the judge said, "You're guilty."

You think that's weird? I never took my pants off, but my undies are gone.

You're not gonna believe this, but I think I'm wearing them.

Hey! What the hell is the guitar doing on the floor?

Oh, uh, yeah.

You took it down to whack all the women in the butt with it.

Hmm-hmm, you called it Hyde's Spank-O-Matic.

Well, looks all right.

What are you talking about? It's broken into pieces.

Okay, we should probably say good night here, because if my Dad sees us kissing, he'll yell, "Whoo-hoo!"

Oh, look at this. Donna and Randy kissing!

Whoo-hoo.

Well, I guess I shouldn't get too upset because, after all, it's none of my business what two people do in the privacy of my own driveway.

Mrs. Forman, I'm sorry you're uncomfortable, but for the last time, Eric broke up with me!

I don't care. You should still be waiting for him!

When Red went to war, I waited for him and I had more men coming after me than Hitler.

That's different. Eric chose to go to Africa and he chose to break up with me.

Well, maybe he wouldn't have left if you were a better girlfriend.

Well, maybe if you hadn't been so smothering and controlling, he wouldn't have gone halfway across the world just to get away from you!

Hey! That eggshell does look like me.

Hey, handsome.

Come on, Red, do one more. What am I now?

A deer.

Nope, a rhinoceros. What am I know?

A moron.

Wrong again, I'm a deer!

Mr. Forman, your wife just saw me and Randy kissing in the driveway.

Whoo-hoo!

Then she yelled at us, so I told her she was a bad mother and that Eric moved away to Africa to get away from her.

Now she's really mad at me. Well, of course she's mad at you, Donna!

You can't just go around telling people the truth!

Why the hell didn't you stop them?

Because the last time I got between two women, well, that actually worked out really well.

Well, thanks, Donna. Now you've made it worse.

I have to go and fix this now.

Because if I have to stay here another day with your dad, I'm gonna end up killing myself.

No offense.

How was that no offense?

You should have just said, "Offense."

Fine. Offense.

Okay, go. But you're gonna miss out what I'm making for dinner. Five different meats.

This thing is completely destroyed.

Yeah. You know what else happened at the party?

A guy grabbed my butt and his girlfriend got really mad at him.

Yeah, I think they broke up.

I had a great time!

I'm screwed, man! WB is in the music industry.

They can kill anyone and make it look like an accident.

They did it to Mama Cass. They did it to Hendrix.

They even took out Buddy Holly to get to the Big Bopper!

Oh, Hyde, you're such a baby.

"Oh, I'm Hyde and I just lost the trust of the father I just met and..."

Oh, here comes the waterworks again.

So, I hear you and Donna had quite the flare-up.

You wanna tell me what happened?

Well, your guess is as good as mine.

I saw Donna and Randy in the driveway, I politely said, "Good day," and out of nowhere she just bit my head off.

Completely unprovoked? Completely.

So just like all of our fights? Exactly.

Yeah, well, look, Kitty, what happened with Eric and Donna is normal.

People... People move away. They move on.

Just like you did when I went off to war and you dated Roger Silverman.

You knew about that?

Yeah, well, you guys probably shouldn't have gone on American Bandstand.

Well, my situation was different.

You were overseas. I had to keep my options open.

Donna's a whore.

What do you think, man? Can you fix it?

I don't know, man. You kind of caught me at a bad time.

Right in the middle of Hawaii Five-O.

Leo, there's no TV in here.

That doesn't change the fact that it's on.

Look, man, I actually really need your help.

Okay, I can fix this, man. But I just need to do one thing to prepare.

Okay, here we go. Gloves.

Knife.

Napkin.

Can't fix a guitar on an empty stomach.

Oh, hi, Donna. I didn't recognize you without six feet of strange boy attached to your face.

Mrs. Forman, about what happened in the driveway, we both said some things we probably didn't mean.

I didn't.

Well, I'm just saying, you know, we both got emotional and we said some things we might want to take back.

Can't think of anything.

You do admit that you were in the driveway, right?

I don't know. Looked more like a brothel to me.

Mrs. Forman, please.

I just came over here to tell you that this whole thing with Randy, it was all a huge mistake.

Oh, Donna, I am so happy to hear you say that!

So are you and I okay? Of course we are!

Oh, I never really saw you with Randy anyway. He is awful handsome.

Oh.

No. We're still together, it's just that we won't kiss in front of you any more.

And for the record, I could get any guy I want.

I am damn hot. You should hear the disgusting things construction workers say they want to do to me.

Oh, come on, Donna. You don't belong with Randy anyway.

And just wait, when Eric gets home...

Mrs. Forman, listen to me!

When Eric comes back, we are not getting back together.

So you need to get over it.

How am I supposed to get over Eric running off to Africa?

He was supposed to stay here, marry you and give Red and me three wonderful grandchildren named Ronald, Rose and Kitty Junior.

Only everyone will call her Kitkat, so it doesn't get confusing.

Oh, my God. So you're not mad at me, you're mad at Eric.

Of course I'm mad at Eric.

It just... It wasn't supposed to turn out this way.

Mrs. Forman, I'll always care about Eric.

But it's over.

I know.

So... Kitty Junior?

Or Kitty the Second.

Whichever you prefer, it's your child.

There you go, the guitar is all fixed.

Leo, I could kiss you, man.

Okay, but that's as far as you're gonna get.

Hey, where's my kiss? I'm the one who wiped off all the graffiti.

What?

Yeah, some jerk named Peter Frampton wrote his name on it.

Fez, you moron! This is Peter Frampton's guitar!

Who? Peter Frampton!

The talentless idiot that a million brainless teenage girls made a star.

I love Peter Frampton!

A million and one.

Oh, my God, my dad's here. What am I gonna do?

Don't worry. I'll take care of him with this. Lights out, you son of a bitch.

You know what? I'll just sign it myself.

I've written Frampton's name on plenty of things.

I'll just leave off the "sucks" part.

Hey, there, Steven!

Hey, man, how was Clapton? Great. Hey, got you a t-shirt.

Oh. "I love Chicago."

Yeah, I didn't remember till I got to the airport.

Wow, look at this place.

You know, I was thinking about giving you a nice cash bonus, but now I don't think I'm gonna. You're not?

Nope. Check this out.

Eric Clapton signed this guitar.

Oh, my God, I love Clapton.

Me too! That's why I'm giving you the Peter Frampton.

Actually, you know, I mean, the store is doing great, you took care of the house, so here.

You're giving me the Clapton guitar? Yep, you deserve it.

Uh, yeah. WB, I got something kind of bad to tell you.

Well, actually it's kind of funny too.

No, it's mostly bad.

You know, I'd say 50/50 funny, bad.

I threw the most freaking awesome party here last night and, uh, well...

We broke your Frampton guitar.

What's the funny part?

Oh, you see, I was hoping that was the funny part, 'cause I put the "ha ha" in there.

It made me laugh!

So while I was away, you disobeyed my wishes, used my house for a party and broke something that was extremely valuable to me?

I have a son!

You're not mad? Nah, 'course not.

Do I still get the Clapton guitar?

Oh, hell no. I can't trust you worth a damn.

I have a confession to make, too.

I broke your toilet seat trying to re-heat some pizza.

Yeah, and I peed in your pool.

Leo, you weren't even at the party.

I know. That's why I peed in his pool.

Okay, towel.

Suction.

Oh, we're losing him!

Time of death, 8:29.

Murderer!